r/AITAH • u/HopefullyIntentional • 2d ago
[ Removed by Reddit ] TW Abuse
[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]
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u/Mean-Impress2103 2d ago
I don't think you can use violence to teach kids but I do think you are allowed to use violence in self defense. You aren't his mother and parenting him is not your responsibility. He was assaulting you and you have every right to defend yourself. Good for you.Â
Also to be clear I am a very small woman and there are a lot of 9 year old boys that are bigger than me so no I don't accept "he's a child, he can't really hurt you".Â
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u/mmmmpisghetti 2d ago
And he won't stay 9. He's going to be a 16 year old who beats his mother in no time at all
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u/wino12312 2d ago
And his girlfriends, wife/wives, children, etc and end up a felon . OP is NTA, but this poor kids mom is definitely the AH.
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u/Velveteen_Coffee 2d ago
Yup he's at the age were he's old enough to know better but also realizes most adult won't hit back.
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u/Illustrious-Gas-9766 2d ago
When I was in high school there was a kid who would beat his mother. This started when he was in grade school.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 2d ago
I was driving my ex's 3yo daughter to my house, and she started tantruming for some reason. She was hitting me as I drove. She was in the front because it was a pickup truck. I slapped the back of her hand because I wasn't in a place to pull over safely. She stopped hitting me long enough for me to pull into a parking lot where I got out and let her calm down.
A friend and I got into a conversation about corporal punishment, and he told me there is never a reason to hit a child. I told him about this situation. He paused and then said that was ok because we were in danger.
No, hitting a child is not acceptable. In most situations. But when a child is doing something to put you in danger, things change. In such a situation, the natural urge to protect yourself is going to take charge. You are going to react, and that doesn't make it abuse.
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u/Zestyclose-Fall8435 2d ago
Especially if they're doing it when you're driving, they are putting others in danger. I would rather you say you hit my kid because they were hitting you while you were driving then, my kid was hitting you while you were driving and you ended up hitting somebody else and killing them.
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u/MariarBlack 2d ago
"Protecting yourself from violence is not wrong. No one should have to endure physical abuse, regardless of age. It's concerning that a child behaves violently, and it's important to address it with care and concern for everyone's safety."
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u/InviteAdditional8463 2d ago
People who say children canât hurt you, forget about child soldiers or the shit kids went through in history. Kids certainly have the ability to hurt other people physically. I donât accept that ridiculous statement either and Iâm a fairly large man. Sure I can knock a kid into next week if I wanted, but that doesnât mean it doesnât hurt when I get hit.Â
Anyway when a kid is assaulting you, the victim has every right to defend themselves within reason. I feel like this case was within reason. From OPs other comments I feel like heâs a decent enough kid, but like all kids he lacks some emotional regulation. Obviously he needs to work on that, and he will as he grows and his brain develops. He just needs to learn to keep his hands to himself, which means he needs to learn another method of emotional regulation instead of hitting.Â
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u/Kajira4ever 2d ago
He obviously slready has some emotional regulation since he only behaves this way in private. If he can behave at school and in public he can obviously control himself in.private IF he chooses to. He chooses not to
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u/SeparateProblem3029 2d ago
He is using force multipliers. A basket ball is an unwieldy weapon, but could hurt. A vase he grabs or a knife is going to end badly for all involved. (I am not pro hurting children, if there was any other way to handle it than hitting him that should be taken. I certainly would not be around him again. But the kid needs serious therapy to manage his temper.)
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u/Mr_BillyB 2d ago
I don't think you can use violence to teach kids
I fundamentally disagree. It shouldn't be your go-to method of teaching, but sometimes people need to get their asses beat.
Playing with fire can have a range of bad outcomes. You could burn your fingers. Or you could set an apartment building on fire, killing hundreds. Better you learn by doing the former than by the latter. This kid needs to learn that everyone won't put up with his shit. Better he learn that from OP than from getting the shit beat out of him by a group of people or getting knocked into oblivion by someone who doesn't give a shit about his wellbeing.
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u/a_man_in_black 2d ago
I fundamentally disagree. You definitely can use violence to teach kids, the problem is the lesson they learn is rarely the one you intended. I was beat my entire childhood and I definitely learned from it. Still unlearning some of those lessons 40 years later
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u/Ausgezeichnet63 2d ago
Absolutely this đŻ. I'm only 5' so I can relate! And yes a child can hurt an adult, especially a small adult. This kid is going to be a monster if he isn't taught not to bully.
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u/Round-Ticket-39 2d ago
Nta , he will eventualy grow up and be man that beats everyone if they do anything close to what he finds inconvenient. Kid is 9. At 9 they know that hiting others is bad no matter what reddit thinks.
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u/QuietWalk2505 2d ago
He will have serious trouble when he grows up if he is spoilt. Really.
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u/Militantignorance 2d ago
"They say I couldâve let him hit me until he calmed down". Yeah, tell those parents to save up for bail and lawyers.
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u/MonarchOfReality 2d ago
NTA your SIL is the asshole for being a lazy parent , she and the rest of the family need a good fucking slap if they think that behaviour is ok , fuck tell them to go to waffle house when a fight starts and ask them if this is ok because her son will there soon.
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u/GS_Corvette 2d ago
Yeah, thatâs why heâs not fighting at school. Â Classmates will beat his ass. Â While mom lets him abuse her and others.
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u/nameyname12345 2d ago
Yeah or find another kid who wont get in any real trouble putting him in his place repeatedly. Public school is usually pretty good about that at least in my experience.
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u/Frozefoots 2d ago
All well and good to hold him back when heâs 9, but at 16? Good luck, SIL, because youâre raising a monster that will one day be stronger than your ability to hold him back.
NTA. Need to find out the root cause of why heâs acting like this. If itâs unchecked autism or ADHD then he needs intervention. If itâs your SILâs shitty gentle parenting then sheâs the AH.
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u/Kajira4ever 2d ago
If it's a medical reason he'd behave the same way at school. He doesn't. Agreed they need to get help and find the cause
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u/llbboutique 2d ago
I said this to a friend who had a similar incident recently. âTeaching consequences is a way of protecting your children. Either the parent can teach them about consequences how they want, or I will in my own way, or the natural consequences will teach them and it wonât likely be pretty.â
Discipline isnât a negative thing, being punished and momentarily uncomfortable is a part of childhood learning that keeps you safe in the long run. Being yelled at not to run into the road as a child teaches you that itâs unsafe, getting scolded for getting in a dogs personal space will keep them from getting bit in the future, and as much as Iâm opposed to hitting kids, a smack in the moment is better than somebody who isnât family doing a lot more damage in self defence down the road. This whole thing could have been avoided by your sister parenting her kid. NTA
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u/dandelionbuzz 2d ago
Yes, this reminds me of a thread where parents were sharing stories about how their kids were biters and the consensus seemed that itâs recommended when bitten to âbiteâ the kid back once (not hard) while grunting. It teaches them that a; biting doesnât feel great even when gentle, and b; donât do something to someone you donât want done to you. Every kid in the stories I saw never bit people again, so I guess it worked?
I think itâs a similar concept to when dogs and cats will give their offspring a brief nip to establish boundaries if theyâre doing something theyâre not supposed to.
I guess in short what Iâm saying is that I agree with you; if parents donât teach them not to cross boundaries the world is going to. It definitely will be done in a way they wonât like. Also this 9 year old is on their way to assault charges and domestic violence ones if they keep getting enabled.
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u/budackee_10 2d ago
NTA. People need to discipline their kids. Downvote me to hell
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u/Less_Flight_2043 2d ago
Amen. I've worked in schools and have seen what kids can do, if parents don't want someone to strike their kids then they need to teach them to keep their hands to themselves. I will not be beat by a child, smh
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u/grouchykitten1517 2d ago
You don't have to leave a mark on a child for 3 days to prevent them from hitting you.
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u/rockthrowing 2d ago
No you donât but that wasnât OPs intention. They just wanted the kid to stop hitting them. OP defended themselves and it sounds like it worked since SIL wonât talk to them anymore, meaning the kid shouldnât be around them anymore.
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u/changelingcd 2d ago
NTA. He's 9, not 2, and of course he can hurt you. The crucial point here is that you're not "parenting" him, you're defending yourself and teaching him just one important life lesson: "Only your dumb parents will allow you to assault them. Others will hurt you, so learn self-control." Every kid needs to learn this. In a year or two he'll be big enough to really injure his stupid mother (or others) and then what?
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u/kmflushing 2d ago
NTA. You warned him. You were supposed to let him hit you? It's not like he's a toddler. He knows it's not okay. Actions have consequences.
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u/sda2323435 2d ago
Kid is 9. At 9 they know that hiting others is bad no matter what reddit thinks.
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u/lookingformiles 2d ago
It is never okay to hit a child. Except that child. Slap the shit out of that brat.
NTA
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u/ButterflyDestiny 2d ago
NTA - this isnt even remotely close to child abuse. You need to pull the parents aside and let them know that they are raising a monster and someone will hit him harder
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u/Imposibilitulatility 2d ago
As someone who grew up in an abusive home (physical) being punted across a room, given a black eye or cut with scissors has nothing to do with chastiseing an impudent, volatile child.
NTA
Your sister has failed as a parent and allowed him to develop thinking this is alright. Eventually his little fits will escalate outside the home and that day she will regret it, as he will no doubt be turned into a bruised ragdoll by a bigger, meaner kid.
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u/HopefullyIntentional 2d ago
Over the years I am definitely gonna be poised to pick up the pieces when he gets married and the inevitable domestic abuse occurs.
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u/killamanjaro786 2d ago
I would be secretly telling his girlfriends to not marry him becuase he abuses his mother . He will never get married or have a girlfriend on my watch
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u/VeganMonkey 2d ago
He needs therapy asap! Explain to your sister teens have accidentally killed their own parents in anger. Preferably with examples.
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u/KindaNewRoundHere 2d ago
I think SIL needs a back hander too
NTA
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u/sda2323435 2d ago
He was assaulting you and you have every right to defend yourself. Good for you.Â
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u/MissusIve 2d ago
NTA and he's a serial killer in the making or at minimum, a domestic abuser. Keep an eye on your pets when he's around.
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u/Fitzcarraldo8 2d ago
Little sh*ts who use violence knowing full well that they get away with it and thereby control others are the first to cry when they get a bit of their own medicine. NTA.
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u/nightterror83 2d ago
NTA if they don't have some kind of intervention it'll get way worse when he hits puberty. I went to school with a dude that at 13 would overpower his mom and beat her to where she had to call the police on him multiple times. Not sure why he never went to juvie. Felt so bad for his mom..
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u/AffectionateWheel386 2d ago
I donât know if I wouldâve hit him that hard but the truth is I wouldâve done something to. Itâs not appropriate and not OK at all. No kid should walk around thinking that he can hit people. I had a friend who let her little kid do that and he was kicking and slapping her. My child never did that but I stopped at the first time that happened.
We teach children to and teach them how to treat us I guarantee he will never do that to you again. Again, I donât think you shouldâve hit him that hard but you had to do something to back him up. It is not OK to sit there and take it. I wouldnât been around him anymore.
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u/Ditovontease 2d ago
NTA. Kids need to learn. You warned him that his actions have consequences. One day he's going to hit someone that isn't his family and they're not going to be nice about it. I don't believe in spanking as punishment but you were literally defending yourself.
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u/OkExternal7904 2d ago
You do realize that at least half of all Baby Boomers were 'spanked', right? If you call a belt or my dad's fave, a fat strap, a spanking. My mom used a hair brush or her shoe or whatever she could grab.
And my parents never listened. The truth didn't matter. Only their perception and the younger you were, the more you got away with. All this is to say we didn't know this was abuse or wrong. It's the way it was.
I loved both my parents in spite of all this. God only knows what they endured at the hands of their parents.
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u/PuddleLilacAgain 2d ago
I once read an article where bullies do the bullying thing because they're actually testing the limits of the society around them. This kid's parent has taught him that he can get away with anything, and has taught him well.
He's going to get beat up, or worse, when he challenges people who won't take his sh*t.
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u/thereadytribe 2d ago
Should've gone for a sweep to a rear naked choke. No marks, terrifying as hell, kid will never touch you again, you have plausible deniability.
(/s if you can't tell I'm joking)
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u/basic_math_doit 2d ago
Thank you for offering the child a valuable life lesson that his mother clearly failed to teach. Actions have consequences.
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u/InstructionFair5221 2d ago
Your family are idiots and be happy they don't talk to you anymore. When they do try to talk to you again, make it clear that you will slap the shit out of him every time he gets rough with you. Now enjoy your peace from that little shit....ps. the boy needs therapy
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u/spiritsilvergrey 2d ago
That family is going to DESTROY that kid. He is well on his way to becoming an antisocial little monster--violence against other people who aren't allowed to hit you is the way to cope with frustration, is what he's learning.
He's going to turn eighteen, hit someone, and get the snot knocked out of him, and cry about it, blaming everyone but himself.
CONSEQUENCES! Don't teach your kids their actions will have no consequences! You'll wreck their lives!
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u/PepsiAllDay78 2d ago
That's the truth! If the SIL can't handle him now, what is she going to do when he's 15?
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u/Normal-Science-9241 2d ago
Beat the shit outta his own mother or end up in jail for beating someone to death
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 2d ago
Or he will beat up a woman, because he feels entitled to beat women, and the police will be called and his mom will be trying to bail him out and be stunned that he still has to go to trial.
If he continus he will likely be in prison sooner or later.
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u/karma_377 2d ago
NTA ---- I've come pretty close to smacking my sisters kid a few times. He has severe behavior problems and my sister and her husband enable it. I have no doubt that when he grows up, he will cause a mass shooting.
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u/BannedAndBackAgain 2d ago
At 9 years old I could have put you in the hospital. I was a big kid, of course. But 9 is plenty old enough to
1) know better
2) be capable of hurting someone
3) do better
Your family have spoiled this child to the point of abuse. He is now a danger to others. And one day he's going to push the wrong person and get seriously hurt.
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u/NervousAd7170 2d ago
Are they trying to raise a psychopath? I kinda agree that you shouldn't have slapped him although a good spanking could set him straight. These people nowadays saying "spanking is bad" don't understand that they are raising entitled bullies that will never learn. But you were defending yourself, even a 9 year old can have enough strength to break your nose if he threw a basketball at your face from that distance. IDK maybe he will learn something about not putting his hands on someone else because there are consequences. The parents should just be glad it wasn't a stranger, it could have gone a lot worse.
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u/throwitaway3857 2d ago
100%. I had a patient who was a private school assistant principal. A repeat problem child finally one day hauled off and broke her eye socket. The mother swore he couldnât have done that and to not press charges. He was 8. My patient is 4â10â. And tiny.
That was after multiple incidents of spitting in her face, pushing her and telling her she canât do anything. The mother is an asshole just like SIL in this story.
Children need discipline so they donât become psychos.
NTA OP. Some kids do need a spanking bc âgentleâ parenting isnât working.
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u/thebearofwisdom 2d ago
I was once punched in the eye by my four year old sister. She fully cranked her arm back and whacked me. I couldnât fucking see for an hour after and I got a black eye. She was four, her little fist got right in my eye socket.
Granted I marched her home, and I didnât hit her back although I wanted to. I knew Iâd get hell if Iâd hit her as a fourteen year old. That said, she was easily picked up and moved, and a nine year old is twice her age. I donât know what I would do to be honest, Iâve never had to fight a child or had a child beat on me like that.
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u/Effective-Essay-6343 2d ago
It's not gentle parenting it's permissive parenting on this post. You dont need to hit kids to teach them respect and kindness. In fact all studies have shown that hitting kids is damaging. The SIL is obviously not setting boundaries or disciplining this behavior though.
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u/throwitaway3857 1d ago
Thatâs bullshit. Beating a child is damaging. A quick pat to their bottom isnât going to damage them.
Some of you really canât figure out the difference.
Gentle parenting does not work for all kids. Some kids do need that quick pat bc thatâs how they learn consequence. Itâs not a first method, itâs a last resort method.
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u/NervousAd7170 1d ago
I have no damage from getting spanked. I do however have damage from the mental abuse of my grandmother, she didn't believe in spanking but she did believe in calling names and such... I would really have rathered a spanking. It hurt like a bitch but I learned what not to do in the first instance.
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u/slaughtbot 2d ago
Research is not in favor of the efficacy of spanking. It has minor, short-term effects for reducing the behavior in that moment; however, it tends to lose its efficacy long-term meaning you have to hit harder and harder. Additionally, research suggests that children who receive corporal punishment are more likely to be aggressive and defiant as adolescents and young adults.
That being said, punishment does have to happen. Just in a different way than spanking.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 2d ago
But this wasn't corporal punishment. It was a fight or flight reflex to OP being in danger. She couldn't flee because her nephew had her trapped on the ground. The only thing she had to protect herself from harm was to fight.
I don't agree with corporal punishment. I've done the research. I wrote multiple papers on it to get my Bachelor's and Master's degrees. This wasn't punishment. It was protection.
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u/slaughtbot 2d ago
I wasn't responding to the situation at hand. I was only speaking to the comment directly above mine that I was responding to that eluded to the "spanking is bad" attitude causing greater rates of bullying.
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u/Dependent_Buy_4302 2d ago
Is it a reflex when you give a warning and then take the time to count down from 5? I thought reflexes were near instant reactions.
Situation is pretty fucked up though and they need to figure out how to get this kid to regulate himself. He's old enough that he should be able to unless there is some disorder OP is purposely leaving out.
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u/Bonkiboo 2d ago
Literally a known fact that most child bullies are raised by child-abusers. So yes, spanking is indeed bad. You don't punish by spanking. You also don't let the child do what it wants. But if it's too difficult for one to use proper child-raising measures instead of just either letting them do what they want or teaching them that violence is how to solve issues, then just don't have children.
Defending oneself is very different, however. Everyone is entitled to do so.
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u/No_Instruction4557 2d ago
Um usually I donât condone violence but in this instance, beat that little shit. Heâs going to grow up beating on women. Show him you mean business and a woman will fuck him up.
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u/Amazing_Assumption50 2d ago
I feel like backhanding him, especially hard like you described, was a bit much, but he needed to learn.
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u/krm787 2d ago
'Let him hit you until he calms down'?
That's a terrible way to parent a child. He's going to grow up thinking that beating family is fine and has zero consequences for him.
Hitting him hard enough to leave a mark for a few days does seem extreme, but I don't think it makes you an AH for at least teaching him that actions have consequences for once, especially if you warned of what they were.
Hopefully, your family comes to understand that leaving him to act out like that is not to be ignored, and he needs to learn how to behave. They need to teach and show him how.
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u/SamTheHam63 2d ago
NTA. This kid needs proper discipline and a childrenâs psychologist. Their parents are only enabling this behavior.
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u/Cryptic1911 2d ago
NTA. Waaaaay too many parents like this these days. The whole "can't spank your kids" bs has gone on way too long. Yes, some parents are abusive, but spanking your kids or giving them a quick slap will shut that shit down real quick. Letting them get away with being a little shitbag like this and just holding them away while they have a tantrum does absolutely nothing and just makes it worse
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u/satansforeskin69 2d ago
NTA. action has consequences and parents that donât teach their kids that are just enablers of future abusers.
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u/No-Cost-2668 2d ago
"You're right. The younger individual should be able to hit the older whenever they have a temper tantrum until they calm down, yeah? I'm 19, and you're.... (Insert older age). So, I'm good to just wail on you, yeah? The age difference is even bigger than me and 9 yo, so it won't hurt! That's your logic!"
No, that is the dumbest fucking logic. NTA. SIL should parent her child.
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u/Amedeo6022 2d ago
NTA. Iâm not pro-spanking, but I am pro- rocking their shit as a natural consequence lol
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u/Fickle_Toe1724 2d ago
NTA. It's not that he CAN'T regulate his emotions, because he CAN at school. He has no consequences for hitting his mom, so he does. She is raising a monster. If they don't get him straightened out soon, he is in for real trouble.Â
When he hits the wrong person, he will be in jail. Or worse.Â
I saw my granddaughter hit her mom. She was 3. She got put in time out, until 3 minutes after she stopped screaming. Then they talked about hitting, and good touches. It's ok to be angry. Use your words, or hit a pillow. Never hit a person. It was wonderful to watch. 4 years later, and the only person she has hit is a boy you grabbed her on the playground and would not let go. She punched him in the gut, he let go, and she ran to her mom. She apologized to mom for hitting someone. So they talked about defending herself. That is gentle parenting. Not what SIL is doing.
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u/JohnJHawke 2d ago
Fuck that kid. Even if he is your nephew, you don't let kids "hit you until they're done"
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u/opheliarose47 2d ago
Does he have some sort of mental issue? One of my kids has autism and a cognitive impairment and sometimes lashes out. I have started the process to get him aba therapy. You have a right to defend yourself, but I wonder if the kid has something going on or if he is just a brat.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 2d ago
Thank you! I was wondering if he's ever been evaluated for ASD. The ability to control himself in school but not at home is raising red flags for me. I am not an expert in autism, but I am also raising a child with autism. Based on what OP posted, he may be masking all day at school, and then when he's home, he has to let it all out.
I don't think the mother is doing him any favors, though, with how she's handling it. No matter what the cause, this boy needs help.
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u/opheliarose47 2d ago
My kiddo has had perfect behavior in school this year (and I'm so proud of him). However, his behavior at home is sometimes explosive. It is like he is using every ounce of self control at school and when he gets home and feels comfortable he let's it out.
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u/Alert_Apartment_9639 2d ago
NTA.
Maybe a 9 year old wonât be able to cause too much damage (debatable) , but the aggressive teenager heâll grow into if this doesnât stop now sure as fuck will.
If heâs hitting his parents and 19 year old aunt now at 9, just imagine the kind of abuse heâd do to future gfs and potential children if this behaviour continues to go unchecked.
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u/suchstuffmanythings 2d ago
NTA. Kid just learned the meaning of FAFO. If he does it again, only to another kid, hopefully they do the same thing.
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u/Mommalioness420 2d ago
Yeah no, NTA BIG TIME. I am a mom and i would not tolerate this from my own kids let alone someone not my kid. If his parents wont teach him you or someone else will and it will NOT BE KIND. Everyone here calling you am ahole is so fing dumb and wrong its not even funny.
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u/soph_lurk_2018 2d ago
NTA I bet you that is the last time he ever tries to hit you. Your SIL is raising a bully. He wonât hit you if there is a possibility that you will hit back harder.
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u/Able_Ad_5770 2d ago
NTA what shit parents. Itâs their fault he was slapped by you because they didnât give him any boundaries. This is why boundaries are actually lovingâŠbecause they go anywhere else not having learnt boundaries they will find out quickly where the line is.
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u/Odd-Fun-9557 2d ago
Mom needs to look into restraint classes . Special education teachers deal with stuff like this on a regular basis and canât turn around and put hands on a kid however they do know to restrain the child or put the kid in holds so that they cannot injure themselves or others around
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u/BagelwithQueefcheese 2d ago
NTA but the parents could press charges for child abuse. Maybe disengage from them and stop being around this child. He sounds horrible and his parents made him that way.
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u/wreckedmyself5653 2d ago
If my nephew did that shit to me. He'd find himself stuck in a time out corner for the rest of 2024.
Hitting is not ok and not something to "wait out"
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u/BillyBrown1231 2d ago
So when the 9 year old says FU I am not doing that what are you going to do. This kid is out of control and needs to be shown who is boss.
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u/JustNKayce 2d ago
Mom can hold him back now. What happens in 3 years when he's bigger than her?
I am not a big fan of slapping so hard you leave a mark for 3 days, but I totally get where your frustration is coming from. You get a YTA only because you slapped him hard enough to leave a mark. But seriously, the rest of them get an ESH.
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u/OkExternal7904 2d ago edited 2d ago
I wonder... what kind of mark lasts three days? A bruise? A slap doesn't usually bruise, at least not like a punch. An injury like falling and scraping up your skin lasts more than 3 days. I can't visualize a slap that lasts 3 days.
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u/AceVisconti 2d ago
A backhand has knuckle impact, I'm assuming the 'mark' was a minor bruise.
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u/OkExternal7904 2d ago
OK, I get that. I wasn't thinking of knuckle power, I guess. The most disturbing thing is the mother raising this abusive little hoodlum.
Someday, she'll be bailing him out of jail or identifying his body at the morgue if she doesn't wise up. Soon, it will be too late to fix.
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u/reluctanttowncaller 2d ago edited 2d ago
ESH
"He had a mark on his face that lasted 2-3 days" is Not self defense. You used unnecessary force with a small child because you were angry and an AH. You are 19, supposedly not a child anymore, and know better. You also lack the maturity to parent a child, and you are thankfully not the parent to this child. You say you're worried that child will think violence is okay at home, and then you underline the fact that violence is okay if you are the bigger and stronger one.
The child sounds like he is out of control. At 9, he should know better. He is too young to be the AH, but if someone doesn't help him figure out why he is behaving this way and help him figure out how to better communicate his needs to a responsible adult (which may or may not be his parent) then he will indeed grow up to be an AH.
The parents are AHs and should not be allowing this behavior to continue. If the parents aren't able to control their sons behavior, they need to get some outside help. Kids do have tantrums, but for this to be a regular occurrence at 9 is troubling. It is also possible the child is being abused by his parents or by someone else, and that's why he thinks violence is okay. I hope there are other adults who can assess this possibility and get authorities involved if there is any reason to suspect that is the case.
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u/Dependent_Buy_4302 2d ago
This is the most reasonable thing I've read in this thread and should be higher. She's complaining he's violent but her first confrontation she tells about is when she laughed at a child. And when he went to hit her (which I agree is bad on his part) she pinned him down and told him she would "hit him harder than he would ever hit her".
So in her confrontations with this CHILD she's pinned him down and threatened him then she took it a step further and hit him so hard in the face as to leave a mark for days.
Honestly she should be charged at this point. For those saying she defended herself think about if a man hit his wife like this and then tried to say his wife was trying to hit him. The husband would he arrested. She's an adult that physically assaulted a minor. And most of the top comments are how she's NTA. Fucking wild.
OP this kid sucks but you're an adult and are a giant AH.
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u/Complex_Storm1929 2d ago
NTA. We are going to have to live with these little brats in society. People. DISCIPLINE YOUR KIDS!
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u/Bonkiboo 2d ago
And by discipline, we of course mean: learn to raise a child properly, with consequences for actions, none of those being violence or abuse, obviously.
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u/NHFNCFRE 2d ago
Info: what, are they doing to help him learn to relate himself at home? What is different at school? Is he identified in any way (ODD, defiance disorder, something else?)
Frankly, I question if he is controlling himself at school; too often teachers and paras are expected to just put up with physical violence.
A growing 9yo is soon going to be too big to physically hold back. They're creating a monster. Is he in counseling? Really, the whole family should be. If he needs methods to get his aggression out, boxing, karate classes or similar would be appropriate outlets for him.
I'm going with ESH. The kid for the aggression, the parents for allowing it, and you for hitting so hard that long-term marks were left. It's not uncommon to react out of fear or hurt, but this doesn't sound like that happened.
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u/HopefullyIntentional 2d ago
He is not diagnosed but he has childhood trauma that SIL and her partner know about, I think maybe he has PTSD.
He is definitely not violent at school as they have called home for much smaller infractions.
They have put him in sports but no counselling yet. I genuinely have seen that itâs just violence at home. Heâs very humble at sports practice and he is student council at school due to being a trustworthy student.
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u/Connect_Amoeba1380 2d ago edited 2d ago
It seems pretty clear that he knows when boundaries will be held (at school) and when they wonât (at home). He has issues that he needs to go to counseling for, and his parents are just not holding any boundaries with him at all, so heâs acting out when heâs at home. The kid needs help, and his parents are being ridiculously permissive.
EDIT: That being said, a slap that leaves a mark for 2-3 days is not self defense.
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u/InviteAdditional8463 2d ago
Interesting. Kids typically act out more with people they trust. Around those people they can be their true authentic self.Â
Hopefully heâs learned an important lesson. Even when youâre being true to yourself, you have to keep your hands to yourself.Â
Sounds like the parents are doing okay, but havenât been able to address or get to the root of this problem. If you feel so inclined, ask the parents what they think you should have done. Emphasizing that you will not allow the 9 year old to hit you or throw things are you. That behavior isnât acceptable and you wonât tolerate it any longer.Â
If you feel so inclined, apologize for hitting him. Explain why you did, explain that your behavior is a direct result of his behavior. You wouldnât have felt the need to defend yourself if he didnât have a history of hitting and being physically aggressive. Tell him you love him, but you arenât going to let him hurt you. The idea is to teach him that his actions have consequences, that adults make mistakes, that you hit him harder than you though, and that you will not tolerate being hit or having things thrown at you.Â
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u/HopefullyIntentional 2d ago
Later I ended up asking them what I should have done, and their response was that I shouldâve effectively taken it.
I apologised to them for laughing at him that time, and for playing with his basketball, and for hitting him way too hard.
They said Iâm not allowed contact with him anymore, and that involves not contacting them too.
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u/InviteAdditional8463 2d ago
Well problem solved then.Â
Listen to them. Donât contact them, or him. If youâre around them, ignore them. If people ask why, tell them you defended yourself when he was attacking you. I wouldnât apologize at this point. The parents made it into this weird power struggle, and Iâd just keep the course of self defense. Far as I can tell youâre the only âwinnerâ here, as in you wonât have to put up with that behavior anymore. Thatâs a win in my book.Â
The one thing I would do differently, is if Iâm in a social situation and the kid is nearby Iâd say hello, ask how theyâre doing and move on. Be friendly with him. When heâs an adult he may be better, and if heâs open then you can apologize and go from there.Â
I was in that boys position at one time. I donât recall the details but Iâd guess I was being a little shit, and one uncle who doesnât put up with that shit slapped me, then spanked me. Again I donât know why, but I probably deserved it to some measure. I remember my parents being really pissed off. Years later he apologized, and I told him I donât remember much about it but I appreciate the apology. Told him he didnât really need to apologize, but he felt like he had to. Weâre close now. As a kid I was always into something I shouldnât have been. My uncle might have a temper and he likes stuff a certain way, but Iâve never known him to be unhinged or anything like that. The times Iâve seen him angry, it was always stuff Iâd be angry about too.Â
I think the big difference is that my parents didnât make a big deal out of it. They were angry, they talked, they moved on.Â
Hopefully they move on, and the bad blood is left behind. Iâd just leave the door open for a relationship with the kid when heâs older.Â
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u/HopefullyIntentional 2d ago
Thanks your insight really helps.
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u/InviteAdditional8463 2d ago
Youâre welcome. It sounds like itâs âresolvedâ in that no one will talk about it. Not resolved as in, everyoneâs feeling and thoughts about it have been resolved and everyone is okay going forward. Which is tricky. Itâs walking on eggshells.Â
That said, the kid will grow up. Maybe theyâll see their behavior as it was, maybe theyâll be remorseful, maybe not. Is why I recommended you at least be kind and friendly when you see him in a social setting.Â
Their family, youâll see them again and maybe see them a lot. Itâs not on you alone to fix this issue. You actually canât fix this alone. The parents need to meet you halfway. I donât see that happening at all, much less anytime soon.Â
Still be polite, be nice, otherwise ignore them. If youâre nice and polite, and they flip their shit itâll just reflect poorly on them.Â
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u/Dipshitistan 2d ago
If the mark remained for 2 or 3 days, you hit him too hard. Having said that (and giving you a soft YTA for it), the child needs better parenting and/or therapy. FWIW, I probably would have also physically done something to him in your position.
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u/Popular_Document1399 2d ago
NTA. In the olden days, if a child misbehaves and engages in any kind of hitting, punching etc., a couple of slaps on the face or butt would have been enough. However, you have the right to defend yourself. Your SIL is a complete failure of a parent. This kid is not only going to continue to get away with this unacceptable behavior but will wind up arrested and jailed. Where is this kid's father? Some people should never be allowed to have children, and your SIL is one of them.
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u/dalecollector 2d ago
Definitely NTA..he needs discipline..should have started long time ago....!!! .
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u/chaingun_samurai 2d ago
I think he learned a valuable lesson in who he can and cannot push around.
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u/Effective-Essay-6343 2d ago
YTA. The kid needs to be disciplined obviously. But he's only 9 and it's not his fault his mom wont teach him. That being said it's fine to defend yourself, but you hit a child in the face so hard that he had a mark for days...? That's too far. No one should be hitting a kid like that for any reason.
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u/WallabyButter 2d ago
Hidden cameras for evidence would be so nice sometimes, wouldn't it OP?
NTA, but holy canoli can these people make excuses for an almost 10 year old. He's clearly comfortable with hitting, and if he can't take it, he shouldn't dish it.
As far as i have read, you defended yourself.
I usually don't say this as a victim of child abuse myself, but I'd be damned if i didn't say some occasions aren't exceptions: it's okay. You are not his mom, you do not have to tolerate him like she does. He was in your house (from my understanding) so it's your rules. If not your house: he was disrespecting your autonomy and he needs to learn to respect it. He's fucking 10 soon, soon enough it'll be 15 years old acting out.
What about the girls he's interested in saying no? Is he gonna beat them until they say yes?? This is a recipe for disaster, and they need some hard situational "what ifs" thrown about to make them see the problem they sre making for themselves out of their own child.
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u/NoeTellusom 2d ago
NTA But it's past time that your family holds an intervention - this child is growing up to be very aggressive and at some point (if not already) is likely to be a bully. And at some point, he's going to meet someone who is willing to beat the ever loving shit out of him, which may be absolutely disastrous.
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u/blucoidale 2d ago
NTA. He is a future brat and needs boundaries asap. Hitting a child should not be the solution but I tend to think here you were in self-defense.
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u/Any_Brilliant_1658 2d ago
You bitch slapped a nine year old đđđ like kudos on impulse action probably most parents think once but you can't actually do it đ
I totally get that we were brought up in a completely different time but now is such a different time and it's very shamed upon.
You have some what guilt because you've made this post. A decent apology and boundary setting after some time will be fine.
You are TA for slapping a nine yo BUT mama needs to understand other people don't deal with things in the same way. You will not be allowing a punch to the face and that's totally fair enough.
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u/ChompyRiley 2d ago
What the cinnamon toast fuck? No, you're not the asshole even slightly. It sounds like he needs discipline.
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u/Winter_Ad7913 2d ago
Fuck what they say, smack the beat, he doesn't fight in school cause he will get his ass beat. Not the asshole fuck them. They are shit parents.
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u/Alethiel7 2d ago
This kid will turn up to be a very violent and bad person if the parents don't do anything. It angered me reading that you should have let him hit you until he calmed down. No wonder he acts this way and beats his parents. That kid is a gremlin and parents need to understand that other people aren't obligated to accept that sort of behavior, and someone else will do the disciplining job they refuse to do.
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u/rottensteak01 2d ago
Nta. You gave him multiple warnings and he was still trying to ATTACK you. He needs to be removed as obviously his parents are u willing or unable to ya know, parent?
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u/nearthemeb 2d ago
NTA, but post like these are my favorite because if you were a 19 year old man that slapped a 9 year old girl in this exact same scenario the top comments would be YTA.
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u/ArthurRoan 2d ago
NTA he knew what he was doing and wasnt expecting any retaliation because youâre an adult and heâs a kid. The fact that he knows how to behave himself at school shows that he has no respect at all for you and only understands right of the strongest
Maybe now heâll learn to keep his hands to himself
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u/Aggravating-Tax3539 2d ago
YTA for hitting him so hard it left marks for days. That's not a mere slap that's a fucking bruise. Yes you can discipline children but not beat the shit out of them
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u/Playful-Ad4696 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA- you should have hit the cocksucker another 5-6 times. Fuck the little puta! Fuck his family too. Fuck his mom too. Lazy useless Puta can go back and work her corner to earn extra money!The puta boy doesnât fight at school because unlike his puta mom those boys would give him a good beating. He clearly understands un/acceptable behavior at school.
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u/mom_in_the_garden 2d ago
Self defense means using the amount of force necessary to stop the attack. Probably a good hard slap, rather than a backhand would have done the job.
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u/coastalAntisocial 2d ago
NTA. You warned him multiple times in multiple different situations. He was testing boundaries and you showed him where they are.
Letâs hope your SIL and her son take this as a lesson, because the lessons only get harder the older her son gets. The price for messing with the wrong one can be death or worse.
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u/Lagoon13579 2d ago
9 year olds can be quite strong. A kid once asked me to open her drink bottle. I could not get it open. I gave it to a 7 year old boy who opened it.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 2d ago
Heâs eventually going to hit someone whoâs not going to care in the slightest about who he is or his motivations. Theyâre going to put him in traction.
NTA butâŠitâs probably best for everyone if you stay away from them.
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u/blackivie 2d ago
ESH. You're 19. You egged this kid on, by your own admission. It's like you were waiting for an opportunity to deck this kid. I agree his mother's parenting isn't working, but you pissed off this kid on purpose, based on all of (i knew i shouldn't have done this but did it anyway) additions.
You're 10 years older than this kid. Act like it.
ETA: As a lot of people point out, you also went WAY beyond self-defence. You wanted to hurt that kid, not teach him a lesson.
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u/OkAdministration7456 2d ago
I am opposed to hitting kids except in certain circumstances. He needs to learn now that hitting is dangerous. Better from you, than a stranger who may not pull their punch. I am interested to know if he is more aggressive with men or women?
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u/gottacatchthemballs 2d ago
ESH if you slapped him hard enough to leave a mark for a few days then you abused a child.
Self defense is a thing but not when it's a kid. You didn't need to hit him that hard.
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u/Version-Prior 2d ago
Call CPS. There is something happening to that child, whether it's abuse, neglect, or mental illness. You're not the asshole. I'm a mom of a 16 and 11 year old. I would have thanked you
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u/InviteAdditional8463 2d ago
NTA: I get where SIL is coming from. I practice the same sort of parenting style, however Iâm not âall in.â If being gentle isnât working, Iâll move on to other methods. Weâre human and not every method of leadership or authority will resonate with everyone, some folks need a sterner hand, and some just need gentle guiding. Itâs kind of up to the kid. If being gentle works 90% of the time, do that first. Clearly there is an escalation to 9 year olds behavior. Throwing things, then charging. SIL should be intervening when heâs throwing stuff, and removing him from the situation. The other side to that is that the 9 year old ought to have enough emotional regulation ability to keep his hands to himself.Â
As I said, NTA. You arenât the parent, and occasionally itâs not bad to remind kids that parents and family put up with shitty behavior but other people wonât. Once in awhile family wonât either. I hate to say it, but itâs true. The kid needs to learn his place.Â
Not only is SIL currently (not that itâs written in stone, people do change and itâs never too late if the people involved want to change) doing him a serious disservice. Sheâs not effectively teaching him emotional regulation, or how to deal with his anger/frustration/whatever. There arenât any easy answers or solutions. Just keep not putting up with itÂ
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u/Key_Bluebird_6104 2d ago
A word to the wise. Slapping a child is never acceptable. If you were living in Canada you could be charged with assault. I know you can't do anything about his parenting but if he is hitting his parents at age 9 he is going to end up seriously assaulting someone when he gets old. This family needs serious counseling
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u/Primary-Molasses-259 2d ago
YTA. You are an adult. You donât backhand a kid. Period.
Your sister in law has failed her son. Has she sought a diagnosis for him? Children do not just behave this way for no reason.
Our son has autism and prior to his diagnosis he was being bullied at school (not enough to leave visible marks, but pushed and shoved and verbally taunted). He was always the model child at school. When he would come home, he would lash out - kicking, hitting, punching, etc.
We did everything we could to get to the bottom of it. He finally told a therapist that he was being bullied at school and the therapist explained that he could only regulate his emotions for so long and when he got home to his safe zone where he knew he was loved no matter what, he unleashed his emotions and took out his anger and sadness and fears on people who would still love him no matter what.
But we had to constantly advocate for him and get to the bottom of what was going on and not just allow that type of behavior of âoh well, he hits and punches us.â That would have set him up for a lifetime of hurt and of failure and of never allowing him to get services he needed or allowing him to thrive.
I donât know your nephewâs particular issues, but this is not normal and I hope his mom is not just âgoing with the flowâ and thinking that her son is just n asshole. He needs help. There is a REASON a child his age acts this way and she needs to figure out what is it & get him the help he needs.
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u/AllyKalamity 2d ago
Wait until he hits a kid and hurts then and parents end up being sued. Or he gets kicked out of school.Â
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u/HeyTheDevil 2d ago
Had a mark on his face that lasted a few days and everyone saying it isnât abuse, Redditors you are a fuckin joke. Â I think you have trouble controlling yourself worse than that damn 9 year old. Â
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u/Mykkus_65 2d ago
Youâre wrong for backhanding a kid, especially leaving a mark for two days. Thatâs absolutely unacceptable. Heâs out of control and his parents are raising him horribly but thatâs child abuse
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u/BiolifeBottle 2d ago
YTA for hitting him so hard that it left a mark for 2 days??? NTA for hitting though, it was self defense and if you weren't going to do it it was probably going to happen someday in the future when it's too late.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 2d ago
YTAÂ
This was a measured, calculated response.Â
You didnât remove the ball.Â
You didnât tap the parent in.Â
You threatened harm and then saw through.Â
This kid is not parented.Â
You left a mark.Â
Sure, ESH. But come on.Â
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u/Sparrowsabre7 2d ago
Right like jesus christ I feel insane looking at the comments for feeling like you probably shouldn't hit a child. And both times he attacked because OP did something they admit they shouldn't have been doing. Not saying it's right his behaviour either, but I feel this post warrants and ESH at minimum if not a y t a. Certainly not a N t a. This was not selfdefence this was a measured and calculated strike to punish. That is not teaching the child anything and "if you hit me I can hit harder" is a fucked up thing to say to a 9 year old.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 2d ago
Yep. I mean are the parents AHs for letting this go on? Yes.Â
But OP is 19.Â
OP can either leave, call in the parents, or even yell really loud to scare the sh** out of the kid.Â
But to plan on hitting him in the face? No.Â
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u/Sparrowsabre7 2d ago
Yeah, I know a 9 year old can hurt you, Heck apparently a 5 year old is strong e oufg to pull off an ear, but you can surely at least shove him off your shirt or otherwise remove him forcefully without harming him if it comes to that.
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u/DangerousTurmeric 2d ago
ESH you are all teaching that child violence is a way to solve problems, just in different ways. Also, there is no reason for you to slap a child across the face, ever. You're lucky you weren't prosecuted.
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u/TheJack1712 2d ago
YTA, that kid is clearly a piece of work but you're stronger and bigger than him. You didn't need to strike him so hard to get away from him. You never need to hit a 9 y/o so hard he has a bruise for several days. Letting him hit xou until he calms down was nit your only option.
why didn't you call his mother if she was so close?
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u/Mommalioness420 2d ago
Oh yes cause the mom has been doing such a bang up job....
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u/JudgeJoan 2d ago
Wait wait... you back handed a child and hit him so hard that you left marks on his face for 3 days and you think you're not an a******? While it's true that child definitely has some issues your role is not to smack someone else's children. I think it's best that you don't be around children at all.
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u/takatine 2d ago
They say I could have let him hit me until he calmed down đł
WTAF???? This is a 9 year old boy, not a toddler. A 9 year old who should know by now that hitting is wrong, and should be able to control himself, but was never taught control, never taught to behave, never taught right from wrong, never disciplined, never told no. A 9 year old who regularly hits his mother, and is big enough to hold a ball out of the reach of and strong enough to prevent a 19 year old from getting up.
Again, WTAF??? NTAH. TA is your SIL, for raising and enabling an uncontrollable, unrepentant bully. This child will grow up to seriously injure her one day. JFC đ