r/AITAH • u/HopefullyIntentional • 4d ago

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u/NHFNCFRE 4d ago

Info: what, are they doing to help him learn to relate himself at home? What is different at school? Is he identified in any way (ODD, defiance disorder, something else?)

Frankly, I question if he is controlling himself at school; too often teachers and paras are expected to just put up with physical violence.

A growing 9yo is soon going to be too big to physically hold back. They're creating a monster. Is he in counseling? Really, the whole family should be. If he needs methods to get his aggression out, boxing, karate classes or similar would be appropriate outlets for him.

I'm going with ESH. The kid for the aggression, the parents for allowing it, and you for hitting so hard that long-term marks were left. It's not uncommon to react out of fear or hurt, but this doesn't sound like that happened.

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u/HopefullyIntentional 4d ago

He is not diagnosed but he has childhood trauma that SIL and her partner know about, I think maybe he has PTSD.

He is definitely not violent at school as they have called home for much smaller infractions.

They have put him in sports but no counselling yet. I genuinely have seen that it’s just violence at home. He’s very humble at sports practice and he is student council at school due to being a trustworthy student.

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u/InviteAdditional8463 4d ago

Interesting. Kids typically act out more with people they trust. Around those people they can be their true authentic self. 

Hopefully he’s learned an important lesson. Even when you’re being true to yourself, you have to keep your hands to yourself. 

Sounds like the parents are doing okay, but haven’t been able to address or get to the root of this problem. If you feel so inclined, ask the parents what they think you should have done. Emphasizing that you will not allow the 9 year old to hit you or throw things are you. That behavior isn’t acceptable and you won’t tolerate it any longer. 

If you feel so inclined, apologize for hitting him. Explain why you did, explain that your behavior is a direct result of his behavior. You wouldn’t have felt the need to defend yourself if he didn’t have a history of hitting and being physically aggressive. Tell him you love him, but you aren’t going to let him hurt you. The idea is to teach him that his actions have consequences, that adults make mistakes, that you hit him harder than you though, and that you will not tolerate being hit or having things thrown at you. 

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u/HopefullyIntentional 4d ago

Later I ended up asking them what I should have done, and their response was that I should’ve effectively taken it.

I apologised to them for laughing at him that time, and for playing with his basketball, and for hitting him way too hard.

They said I’m not allowed contact with him anymore, and that involves not contacting them too.

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u/InviteAdditional8463 4d ago

Well problem solved then. 

Listen to them. Don’t contact them, or him. If you’re around them, ignore them. If people ask why, tell them you defended yourself when he was attacking you. I wouldn’t apologize at this point. The parents made it into this weird power struggle, and I’d just keep the course of self defense. Far as I can tell you’re the only “winner” here, as in you won’t have to put up with that behavior anymore. That’s a win in my book. 

The one thing I would do differently, is if I’m in a social situation and the kid is nearby I’d say hello, ask how they’re doing and move on. Be friendly with him. When he’s an adult he may be better, and if he’s open then you can apologize and go from there. 

I was in that boys position at one time. I don’t recall the details but I’d guess I was being a little shit, and one uncle who doesn’t put up with that shit slapped me, then spanked me. Again I don’t know why, but I probably deserved it to some measure. I remember my parents being really pissed off. Years later he apologized, and I told him I don’t remember much about it but I appreciate the apology. Told him he didn’t really need to apologize, but he felt like he had to. We’re close now. As a kid I was always into something I shouldn’t have been. My uncle might have a temper and he likes stuff a certain way, but I’ve never known him to be unhinged or anything like that. The times I’ve seen him angry, it was always stuff I’d be angry about too. 

I think the big difference is that my parents didn’t make a big deal out of it. They were angry, they talked, they moved on. 

Hopefully they move on, and the bad blood is left behind. I’d just leave the door open for a relationship with the kid when he’s older. 

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u/HopefullyIntentional 4d ago

Thanks your insight really helps.

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u/InviteAdditional8463 4d ago

You’re welcome. It sounds like it’s “resolved” in that no one will talk about it. Not resolved as in, everyone’s feeling and thoughts about it have been resolved and everyone is okay going forward. Which is tricky. It’s walking on eggshells. 

That said, the kid will grow up. Maybe they’ll see their behavior as it was, maybe they’ll be remorseful, maybe not. Is why I recommended you at least be kind and friendly when you see him in a social setting. 

Their family, you’ll see them again and maybe see them a lot. It’s not on you alone to fix this issue. You actually can’t fix this alone. The parents need to meet you halfway. I don’t see that happening at all, much less anytime soon. 

Still be polite, be nice, otherwise ignore them. If you’re nice and polite, and they flip their shit it’ll just reflect poorly on them.