r/AITAH • u/Individual-Opinion49 • 2d ago
Am I AITAH for asking my daughter not to share any information about me with her father?
I have not spoken to my daughter's father in 20 years. I ended the relationship due to physical and emotional abuse (broken ribs, if I disagreed with anything he said he would pin me down and scream at me "Am I right" until I said yes). At one time I had a no contact order. We live in a small town and he is known to tell anyone that he wishes I was dead. He repeats this phrase to his daughter quite often. My daughter has discussed my personal business with him through the years- that I went back to school to become a doctor, that I got my black belt, etc. He rants that I ruined his life and that I will pay for doing so. I have respectfully asked my daughter not to say my name to her father or discuss any aspects of my life with him- yet she refuses to do so. He has not made any overt violent gestures towards me but I have a security system, a Glock and a personal protection German Shepard who pretty much goes everywhere with me. Am I over reacting and am I the ass hole for requesting that my achievements, locations, and other information not be shared with my ex-partner. She says her dad is wounded and is unhappy that he lives in poverty while I have created a good life for myself and he is just venting.
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u/Last-Butterscotch-68 2d ago
You gave birth to this human being and you are asking her for nothing, say nothing, do nothing, share nothing. There isn’t a single benefit to denying you such basic consideration and she prioritises her dead beat father’s need to vent, like he’s an overheating aircon unit?
‘Her dad is wounded’ Wounded? No shit, I’d be unhappy too if my punching bag learnt to fight back, now has the medical knowledge to inflict maximum damage on the human body, owned a gun and had command of a ferocious, loyal, four legged beast that could outrun and maim me before I’d laced up. I’m also not a little bitch who hits people to compensate for being a waste of oxygen, so fuck his happiness. NTA.
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u/Individual-Opinion49 2d ago
I think a lot of his rage is the result of the fact that I refuse to live in fear of him. The me that lived with him was broken and afraid- she never would have believed that she could leave and be ok. It took so much therapy to come to the realization that I survived and left because I was stronger than I though I could be,
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u/Top-Effect-4321 2d ago
Your daughter is now an adult who is literally ignoring threats against your life. Tell her it’s time to leave the nest and cut her off if this continues. Follow through if necessary.
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u/Top-Effect-4321 2d ago
Your daughter is either an idiot or actually wants harm to come your way. Regardless of which, she is NOT on your side and you need to understand that.
Whatever support you’re giving her must now be conditional on her following your rules. If she lives with you, kick her out and cut her off for a month and make her understand. If you’re helping her with rent, stop. Tell her to move in with dear old dad.
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u/Fuzzy_Medicine_247 1d ago
Seriously. Maybe change the will to benefit a local animal shelter and let her know. See what happens.
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u/Thro-A-Weigh 2d ago
NTA - also lol that he’s living in poverty. Fuck that abusive loser
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u/No_Addition_5543 2d ago
It’s karmic retribution. If she survived living with him (which is highly unlikely) - she would be living in poverty too.
I’m glad the OP got out when she did.
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u/MoodiestMoody 2d ago
Too late: she already did and they have a daughter.
More seriously, OP, whether your daughter is talking about maliciously or thoughtlessly, she needs to be on an information diet. You have to assume anything you tell her gets back to him. You can still love her, but you can't trust her.
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u/bookworm-1960 2d ago
NTA
Give your daughter an ultimatum that if she refuses to stop sharing your information with her dad, you will go LC or NC so she will not know anything to share.
Hopefully, this will impress on her how serious you are. How is her sharing your personal information with her dad going to make him happy or change his financial situation? How is she OK with him telling everyone, including her, he wishes you, her mother, was dead? Unless you say the same about him, it's mind-boggling.
He ruined his own life, he is responsible for his unhappiness, and if he lives in poverty, again, that is not your fault but his.
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u/Individual-Opinion49 2d ago
I don't say anything to my kids about their dad. My son (20) doesn't want ANYTHING to do with him because of the stuff he says about me in our community.
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u/bookworm-1960 2d ago
I figured but wanted to confirm. If your son recognizes your ex is out of line, it makes your daughter a total A-H for her, not only continuing to support her dad but also sharing your personal information. Does she think his abuse was ok?
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u/Readsumthing 2d ago
NTA. From your comments, you said you shared the medical and police reports; her response was long the lines of “You should have complied”
She’s 25 now. IMO, perhaps best in written form, I’d compose some thing along these lines:
I’ve asked you not to share personal info about me to your father, yet you continue to do so. I’ve shared my medical and police info with you as to why I’ve asked you not to disclose info about me.
Do you think I have a Glock, attack dog, state of the art security for no reason? Do you still think I should have “just complied” with your father and he wouldn’t have broken my bones? Do you think I made him beat me?
Do you think it’s normal for him to *still*be so obsessed with my life after 20 years? Obsession this strong after 20 years indicted to me, that he is still, very much a danger.
Does he ever spend any quality time with you that my name DOES NOT come up?
I’m writing this because I want you to really think about this. I take my safety and peace of mind very seriously. Your continuing disregard of my basic request jeopardizes that.
IMO it’s probably a fruitless effort. Still, small town, you’ll know soon enough, and at least you gave it one last try, before NC or very LC
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u/Individual-Opinion49 11h ago
This is powerful. I find the fact that I still live rent free in his head disturbing and that hearing my name spoken sends him into a range. He has serious mental health issues and unfortunately his daughter has inherited some of those tendencies.
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u/kikijane711 2d ago
Maybe you need to speak to your son about how to address your daughter who is his sister.
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u/Individual-Opinion49 10h ago
I have he has her on low contact. He has done an intervention with her to seek therapy for her mental health issues. She contacts me daily and will ask how her brother is. My response is you will have to ask him. She is on a limited information diet with me- for example she knows I have a German Shepard, but does not know the dog is a trained protection dog.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 2d ago
It’s really too bad your daughter doesn’t think the same thing. This has got to hurt you so much and I’m sorry and so glad you got out and away from this abusive man stay safe and strong 🙏🏻
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u/ParanoidWalnut 2d ago
I agree OP should go LC or NC. Maybe LC to see if daughter will come to her senses or listen, but I doubt it. NC if that doesn't work. It sucks to cut off your kid, but OP needs to think of herself first and protect herself from her toxic family. Daughter is daddy's little girl it seems. At least the son is better behaved and can see his father's actions as bad.
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u/bookworm-1960 2d ago
After reading that the OP let her daughter know all the details of the abuse and her daughter replied the OP should have complied or agreed with her father, implying it it was her fault he abused her, she should just go NC. The daughter has serious problems.
Hopefully, the daughter will never be in a relationship with an abuser but to be honest, in a way, I hope she does to learn it's not the fault of the abused. I know that's not nice, but ...
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u/MirroredInsults 2d ago
how old is she? NTA, idk what your situation irl is like, but your safety might be at risk depending on the infos he learns about you. Explain your whole situation to your daughter
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u/Individual-Opinion49 2d ago
She is 25 and . I am very careful on what information I share with her. Somethings I couldn't hide like going back to school or the dog. She knows nothing about my net worth as I live well below my means as not to attract attention from the former partner and his family and have no social media like FB or Insta
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u/SoMoistlyMoist 2d ago
Your daughter is a twat. She's 25? She is well old enough to understand what she is doing is intentionally malicious. I wouldn't tell her jack shit. Low contact. Let her go cry on her daddy's abusive shoulder. You deserve to be treated better than that after what you saved her from
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u/ExcitingTabletop 2d ago
Respectfully, if she isn't... perceptive enough to understand why you feel the need for heightened security, there's not a lot you can do. I assume you shared the medical and divorce records with her?
She's determined to learn life lessons the hard way rather than the easy way. That's her choice, and at 25, there's not much that can be done about it.
Just keep her on an info diet and assume everything you tell her will leak. It is entirely in her hands. Keep passwords on everything, lock up important documents, keep cameras running, et al. Make sure she doesn't have a key to you place. You know the drill. If she gets unhappy with that, let her know she's free at any time to change her behavior.
Congratulations on living your best life, btw.
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u/highoncatnipbrownies 2d ago
Write up your will now and leave all of your net worth to an animal shelter. Your daughter is awful and doesn't deserve it.
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u/i_need_jisoos_christ 2d ago
OP has a son who doesn’t have a relationship with his father over his fathers treatment of OP—he should get everything in the will, or at least most of it.
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u/TarzanKitty 2d ago
Your daughter is an adult. Why not leave the small town? As a doctor. You could pretty much practice anywhere.
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u/No_Addition_5543 2d ago
It sounds like you’re still scared of him. You’re NTA. He sounds like a violent POS. Is there any way you could move further away?
You also need to tell your daughter what happened and if you didn’t get out when you did then you wouldn’t be alive today.
It’s not your fault your ex is a loser. Tell your daughter that the only reason you a where you are is because you worked hard after getting away from her father.
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u/ExcitingTabletop 2d ago
Reasonable precautions are not the same thing as fear.
It can be. Or it can just be preparedness in case rapid exsanguination of uninvited guests is required.
One should take a dim view of people who intentionally conflate the two.
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u/AdDry7306 2d ago
She’s old enough to know better. If she doesn’t know your history, tell her. She needs to know why you are making this request.
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u/victorymuffins 2d ago
NTA, but you don't have many good choices here. Ultimately, if your daughter isn't going to do as you ask, your only choices are to accept that she will share information with her dad and take the gamble, or minimize contact with her. Only you can know how to weigh the two options. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Maybe your daughter would be willing to do some family counselling with you in the hopes she can understand how serious it is?
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u/Salt-Tumbleweed4167 2d ago
NTA
I am so sorry you are (and have been going through this) situation.
Your daughter and anyone associated with you needs to NEVER share ANY information about you or your life with your abusive ex.
I have been living a very similar life for 20 years. Got advanced degrees, work as a C suite executive, can physically protect myself, and have a German Shepherd and a security system. He has even tried to burn down my house. My ex likes to play the victim for how terrible his life is while I have been successful since I left him.
There is a very close family member whom I went no contact with for almost 3 years due to him sharing details (seemingly innocent details) of my life with my ex. He didn't think it would hurt anything, but it definitely fueled his crazy rage. My family member and everyone around my ex have learned that he is unhinged. My ex was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with psychopathic tendencies. He's much worse now than when he received the diagnosis.
I know how hard it would be to go no contact with your daughter and won't assume to tell you to do so. That being said, something is terribly wrong with her response to your abuse. He would have still abused you even if you did and said everything he wanted. The abuse isn't about you it's about the abuser. Believe me, I literally tried to be perfect, it could be that I wasn't smiling correctly. They will always find a reason.
Hold your boundaries, and don't feel bad for asking your daughter not to talk about you to her dad. Best luck and stay safe!
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u/VegetableBusiness897 2d ago
If she's a high school age, I would let her read your hospital records, police report, RO and divorce decree. Show her the evidence. Then ask her what does she do, when this happens to her??
Then I would have a serious sit down with her at 18. I would tell her that you will finacially and emotionally support her through college.... from afar. And if she cannot compartmentalize her relationships, after college, you will choose to to keep yourself safe
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u/Individual-Opinion49 2d ago
She is 25- when she was in high school I let her read all the medical and police reports- her response was that if I did as I was told none of that would have happened.
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u/1968phantom 2d ago
I'm so sorry but your daughter isn't a particularly nice person. "If I did as I was told none of that would have happened" yeah no to that bullshit. Pleased you are stronger these days.
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u/TarzanKitty 2d ago
Damn! When she finds a relationship. She is either going to marry dad or she is going to be dad.
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u/Magdovus 2d ago
Is that still her opinion? Because if so, I'd just stop telling her anything. Unless you want to use her to spread disinformation. That could be fun, watching your ex go ranting about stuff that almost everyone knows is untrue.
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u/DreamingofRlyeh 2d ago
"Can you believe my worthless ex is marrying foreign nobility?! Life is so unfair! And she just bought a yacht, too! I hate her!"
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u/mallionaire7 2d ago
So he passed his abusive mentality on to his daughter. What a POS. I woukld have gone NC with her after that.
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u/SnooWords4839 2d ago
It's ok to go no contact with your daughter. Her father has her trained well.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 2d ago
Well then my answer would be " I will always love you as my daughter, just not as the person you have become. Enjoy your life with your dad. I wish you all the very best life has to offer, just not my personal safety and mental health '
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u/Ok_IronStack 2d ago
Your question should instead be "WIBTAH if I cut off my daughter because she insists on relaying my personal information to my abuser?"
Your daughter has grown up to be her dad and clearly, refuses to acknowledge the abuse you were put through. If, that is what she said after you showed her your medical reports, you have to worry about daddy the abuser and daughter the enabler.
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u/ParanoidWalnut 2d ago
Damn. That's cold. Either your ex is very ingrained in her beliefs, or she's a mean person by nature. Have you tried putting her in individual or family therapy with just you and her? This is such a terrifying response to someone.
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u/iusedtoski 2d ago
if I did as I was told none of that would have happened.
I'm sorry OP, but I don't think you'll be able to get through to her. It's mainly a choice between LC, NC, and moving to avoid your ex even though it will leave your elderly mother in a bit of a bind. Perhaps you can move your elderly mother too. People do that.
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u/kikijane711 2d ago
Wow, I am surprised you want anything to do with her after this - if she keeps sharing info AND she looks at your medical history as such. Awful.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 2d ago
I’m so sorry but she has the same mentality as her father!! and now I agree with others saying you need to go NC with her. You can be there for her but from a distance 🙏🏻
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u/avast2006 2d ago
Ironically, she categorically refuses to do what she’s told when it’s you doing the telling. In so far as she has demonstrated she is in no way your ally, she needs to be on the outside of your defenses. No more info about your life for her. Feel free to tell her why.
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u/PsychologyAutomatic3 2d ago
I would have nothing to do with her. Taking the side of your abuser and blaming you for the abuse means you should not have a relationship with her at all. It does not matter that you gave birth to her. She is her father’s child.
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u/Historical-Laugh417 2d ago
I'm sorry but your daughter is a cun*! For your own peace of mind go NC. Maybe.she will then see what an abusive AH she is when all she has for family is her trash father.
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u/Fantastic_Cow_6819 1d ago
That was an incredibly disturbing thing to say. She clearly has no empathy for you. I know you love her but for your own safety it’s time to go at least LC, or NC of you can. She clearly won’t care if he hurts you. You’ll get blamed. I hope she doesn’t turn into an abuser like her dad with that attitude.
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u/Thick_Mick_Chick 1d ago
I know this isn't going to sound pleasant because, after all? She's still your daughter. It's seriously time that you start considering your daughter is just a chip off the old block. Maybe she is just as much the self-centered, lack of accountability having, abusive (there are more kinds of abuse than just physical), controlling narcissist that dear old daddy is. I'm sorry if that hurts you to hear, OP. Just because it hurts? Doesn't mean it's wrong, though. Maybe your ex isn't the only one you need to get away from. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors. 🍀
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u/Top-Effect-4321 2d ago
Holy shit your daughter is actually a bitch. Cut her off just like her piece of shit dad. I hope he beats her
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u/No_Change_78 2d ago
Wait, did I just read that your daughter read the police and medical reports and all she had to say was “none of this would have happened if you did as you were told”?? She is victim-blaming, and I would go NC. The fact that she “leaks” information to someone who is a serious threat to you is not acceptable.
Absolutely NTA.
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u/Additional_Sir1039 2d ago
NTA. Your request is reasonable given his abusive history and threats. Your safety is a priority, and your daughter should respect that.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best 2d ago edited 2d ago
JFC, where in the world do you live that your daughter thinks this acceptable behaviors from anyone? Has your ex completely brainwashed her into thinking that this would be ok anywhere? WTF is wrong with her? Are they in some kind of cult where women are always subservient to the men? I'm sorry OP but you serious may need to cut your daughter out of your life. She's a danger to you by supporting her father and his deranged mentality. I'm really very sorry. It's possible that someone might get through to her at some point but for now she's not safe to be around. I hope and pray she doesn't have a key to your house. How awful for you. I don't even want to think what her view of a healthy relationship is. 🫂
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u/Cybermagetx 2d ago
I see shes 25. Its time for you to stop telling her anything about your life. Nta
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u/SoMoistlyMoist 2d ago
I know you love your daughter but come on. Is she old enough to know better than this? She has to know that it's cruel and also disrespectful and just flat shitty of her to disregard your request. You're going to have to be less polite and tell her, look your dad beat the shit out of me and broke my ribs and abused me and I had a no contact order against him. I don't want him knowing anything about me and either you respect it or I will not show you an ounce of respect.
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u/Rhubarbalicious 2d ago
you need to tell your daughter flat out
"Your father broke my ribs for disagreeing with him. What exactly do you think is gonna stop him from doing the same to you the moment you piss him off? you being his daughter? I was his wife. He swore to GOD to protect and love me, only to treat me like a punching bag till I left. Why should I care about how hurt he feels that I got away? because that's what happened. I didn't leave him, I didn't abandon him, and I didn't hurt him.
I got away from him."
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u/StelleSenzaDio 2d ago
NTA. Everyone in this situation is an adult. Regardless of your history with him, he has no right to information about your life, especially since you are not currently co-parenting a minor child together. Your life is not his business and you have the right to privacy.
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u/DawnShakhar 2d ago
NTA. "Just venting"? He physically abused you, caused you physical harm and wishes you were dead. You went to extremes to protect yourself against him. You have every right to want no connection with him. As for your good life - you worked hard to achieve that, and it has nothing to do with him.
You haven't mentioned how old your daughter is, but since you haven't spoken with your ex for 20 years, presumably she is an adult. That means that she is old enough to understand your concerns, and old enough for you to cut contact with her if you feel her actions violate your privacy and put you in danger. This is your choice - whether to accept her actions despite the fact that she is hurting you, to stay in contact with her but reveal nothing about your life, or to cut off all contact. But if she is living with you, it's time to tell her to leave. Your home should be safe from intrusion, including the intrusion of sharing details of your life with your abusive ex.
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u/UnknownVillian__ 2d ago
You might need to limit contact with your daughter . She seems like a fuck wit
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 2d ago
NTA. Your daughter is picking your abuser over you and I think that some of his mentality has rubbed off on her. She’s not only maintaining contact with him but actively going against your wishes and telling him things he has no business knowing. As a daughter who witnessed her mom being emotionally abused by her dad, I have chosen to have no contact with my dad and don’t wish to in any way. My brother still has contact with him but never tells him anything about my mom or me, because we asked him not to and he respects that.
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u/grayblue_grrl 2d ago
Your daughter is dangerous for you.
She doesn't understand the danger you were in or could be in.
OR she believes his lies.
OR she's cut from the same cloth as he is.
Her father wouldn't have anything to vent about if she didn't tell him all your business.
No contact is even dangerous because she might go crying to him about "big bad mommy" not being nice.
So, you go low contact and gray rock her.
You are a bit too busy to see her.
You are starting a new hobby.... self defence class... learning a new work system...
Boring stuff. Nothing that sounds important.
IT SOUNDS like information but it isn't really.
Keep it superficial and easy.
Consider your options for after your mom passes and don't share that information with your daughter.
Good luck.
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u/gruntbuggly 2d ago
NTA. Your daughter sounds like she’s old enough to stop being told what’s going on in your life.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 2d ago
NTA tell your daughter this man has physically assaulted you and he had the same options to improve his life as anyone does. He could do short term certifications, go to school, get therapy. Instead he blames everyone else and does not take responsibility for himself. Which is a major red flag that one day he might "snap" and try to get back at all those who have done better than he has including her. She can love him but she shouldn't stick her head in the sand about his deficiencies. He is not safe for you and she needs to learn that it is not OK to keep feeding his jealousy by providing him with fodder for his fire
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u/Azsura12 2d ago
NTA Whilst I know this is frowned upon and I dont know how old your child actually is (but I am assuming over 20 so old enough for the conversation). But sit down with her and explain in detail every thing which led up to your divorce. Like dont do this to bad mouth him and tell her at the start you are only telling her this so she can understand how much danger you are in. But tell her everything.
Because I am assuming his abuse did not end at the marriage and he was a garbage bin even afterwards. Tell her that you are scared for your life. Him being wounded, unhappy, and living in poverty does not mean too much to you because he did it to him self. Tell her that him being all those things also increases the risk towards yourself. Because is he always blaming you for his own mistakes and shitty decisions.
Tell her you feel no empathy or sorrow for a man who is so self destructive and refuses to seek help. You are not his therapist, you were just someone he terrorized for multiple years. Tell her that telling him all this stuff is going to make him spiral even further because he will always be comparing it to the life he could have lived, if only you were a door mat who also wanted to be destroyed physically and emotionally your whole life. Someone who he could just abuse and toss around because it was fun for him.
Tell her that if she does not stop you will have to stop sharing important information with her. Because whilst you love her you cannot put your self in danger. And that by telling her father this stuff she is putting her self in danger.
Also make sure she is not being abused by him. Make sure she can talk to you if he ever has laid a finger on her. Because well he could be forcing her to tell him this stuff.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 2d ago
Maybe best to just go low contact with your daughter and not tell her any of your business until she respects your boundaries
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u/ParanoidWalnut 2d ago
NTA. Her father is abusive and she should be told exactly what he did to you. Her dad could find a job or make his life better if he wanted. I'm not sure if he has reasons for not being employed or being in a better situation, but it doesn't really matter. If she wants to help him out, let her, but don't give her any money to do so. She can work and do it but expecting you to help out your abuser is absurd. I'm hesitant to say not to tell your daughter anything because she's probably trying to help both her parents out, but she's old enough to realize that she shouldn't say private stuff to unauthorized peoples.
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u/shammy_dammy 2d ago
NTA. Tell her she stops, or you'll have to go no contact with her for your own safety. Get ready to move, change your phone number, lock down your socials so that she can't find you either.
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u/RevealActive4557 2d ago
I think you are better safe than sorry. And sorry is what he will be if he approaches you again. NTA. Not even close
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u/Individual-Opinion49 10h ago
I go through and practice scenarios with how I would defend myself if he were to attack me- from behind, if he disabled the dog, from the front, if I was being choked. I like to run and only do so on my side of town- the dog is always with me and I carry a 10 blade scalpel in the side pocket of my leggings. I hate living this way but after I left he lashed out with some pretty sick stuff- hence the restraining order.
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u/gemmygem86 2d ago
I see she's an adult. Don't share anything with her. I know it'll hurt but she's actively chowing him over you. Stop sharing
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u/CryWise2854 2d ago
NTA. You need to tell your daughter everything and WHY you feel that way. Explain to her that her dad could have built that life for himself, but he did not.
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u/ConvivialKat 2d ago
NTA
But, I think it's time for you to slowly ease away from time with your daughter. She's 25, not 5. If she can't keep her mouth shut, put her on a severe information diet and limit her time with you.
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u/PsychologyAutomatic3 2d ago
NTA. Give your daughter minimal, if any, personal info about your life. She is putting you in danger. If that doesn’t work, go VLC with her and make it clear why you came to that decision. She is putting you in danger.
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u/stepfunny2000 2d ago
NTA. If your daughter knows about his abusive nature and still wants to be around him thats downright disrespectful there! He has no business what your doing and your daughter needs to learn to shut her pie hole.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma 2d ago
Your ADULT daughter is a cunt. Even if there was no abuse, she has no right sharing your business. Tell her again how you feel and that you will have to exclude her from personal information if she continues to disrespect you, if there is drama you need to go no contact.
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u/lookingformiles 1d ago
NTA. Looks like it might be time to stop sharing any information with your daughter. She can't share what she doesn't know.
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u/Bane-o-foolishness 2d ago
Doc with a Glock, that by itself makes you OK in my book. More seriously, I had the same problem so I figured if they were going to pass information to an ex, why shouldn't I decide what she hears? At different times I altered investment income statements to absurd amounts, cooked up a phony marriage license in my and her best friend's name, and when I had to go to Detroit for a couple weeks I made an itinerary for a trip to the Caymans and left these things where they could see them. This didn't hurt the kids but it about gave their mother a stroke. NTA10.
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u/Wrong-Sink7767 2d ago
NTA. If she can't keep things to herself she'll stop being told things. I don't see how she can't see her telling him how good you're doing is only making him worse. He's wished death upon you and she's more concerned for his wellbeing. If they both stopped feeling sorry for him maybe he wouldn't be in the situation he's in.
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u/mallionaire7 2d ago
Threatening your life is not just venting. Your daughter is sharing your personal information with someone who was physically violent with you. She is putting you in harms way. This is not okay.
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u/eneri008 2d ago
Have you spoken to your daughter about the abuse ? If you haven’t then maybe you should so she can understand the severity of the situation.
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u/Spencerschewtoy 2d ago
I’m going to assume she has “absent father syndrome,” and an overactive imagination growing a fantasy he’s encouraged that one day you’ll get back together and she can get a big teddy bear and a pony. But at 25 she’s old enough to admit the truth to herself.
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u/Commercial_Meal_5619 2d ago
As someone who has literally been stalked, harassed and abused by my ex step mom since i was 5 (now 30). You are completely in the right for how you feel. Do not let anyone tell you that you are "overreacting". I personally would go no contact. If she cannot respect a simple request not to share any of your information with him that would be the only option. If you were to move could your mom move with you? Removing yourself from that community would be the best but i also understand thats not always an option. I would take the things he says very seriously and start documenting ALL of it just in case something were to happen. NTA
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u/Blackheart26_6 2d ago
Stop telling the daughter your business If she lives with you, it's time you kick her out.
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u/chez2202 2d ago
NTA. The fact that you haven’t spoken to him in 20 years means that your daughter is over 20 years old. She’s an adult. Does she still live with you? If so then you should suggest that she either respects your boundaries or makes other living arrangements. But would that stop your life being discussed with him? You said that you live in a small town and he repeatedly tells people that he wishes you were dead. Those people are also telling him what is going on with your life, it’s not just your daughter. If he is telling people regularly that he wishes you were dead why is local law enforcement not acting? Back to the point of your post, if your daughter refuses to shut her mouth you need to stop being so open with her. She will soon notice and it might push her to respect your boundaries.
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u/lenajlch 2d ago
Nta.
Does your daughter know how he abused you? If not, now is the time to advise her.
My mother was horrifically abused by her stepfather for many years when she was a child and teenager. She never told me until I was well into my thirties. I wish she had told me earlier so I could understand her more.
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u/pinkflower200 2d ago
Your daughter probably believes your ex would never harm you and that he is all talk. I would talk to her about the crimes committed against wives and girlfriends by their ex's. Your daughter needs to not share your information about you to your ex. She is old enough to understand that and should respect your wishes.
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u/RandomReddit9791 2d ago
NTA. Express to your daughter that by sharing info about your life with her father she is literally putting you in danger.
Your ex lost his control over you and you progressed to live a good life without him. He's likely thinking of ways he can ruin you. Your daughter is simply fanning the flames.
Everyone's experiences are different, but I personally experienced this. She's playing a dangerous game and doesn't seem to realize it.
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u/dhbroo12 2d ago
NTA As much as you love your daughter, maybe it's time to tell her to go live with her dad and no longer tell her anything about your life or accomplishments.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's obvious her life is all good, and she hasn't had to live through this violent trauma.
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u/AmishAngst 2d ago
I'm assuming your daughter is aware of the abuse you suffered?
I'm also assuming since you haven't seen your daughter's father in almost 20 years your daughter is at least 20 years old?
Your daughter is old enough to know these things and understand the gravity of the situation. At this point, you need to start treating your daughter as the adult peer that she is and not your daughter. It's hard - I get that. But when people betray your trust, even when that person is your daughter, you need protect yourself and act accordingly and that means an information diet going low or no contact with your daughter. Do not discuss things with her unless absolutely necessary - she gets the Christmas Card treatment and superficial conversation only (movies, tv, "Hey I tried out a new recipe and it turned out pretty good").
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u/GreenOnionCrusader 2d ago
Your daughter has forfeited the right to know information about your life, honestly. She can't keep her mouth shut.
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u/el_bandita 1d ago
NTA he made his bed. Him living in poverty has nothing to do with you. Most reports indicate women are financially worse after the divorce. I am happy for you it is not the case here. Be proud of yourself. If your daughter is an adult, put her on information diet. If she has nothing to share, she won’t.
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u/Remarkable_Table_279 1d ago
NTA but your daughter obviously doesn’t know about the abuse…tell her…or let her read this post
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u/Remarkable_Table_279 1d ago
If she knows about the abuse and still persists…she doesn’t need to know anything about your life
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u/DatguyMalcolm 1d ago
well if she's not respecting you for your safety, then she is not safe to be around
Daughter or not, I'd go low to no contact with her, she can have daddy to herself and tell him about her life, not yours
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u/Far_Tank4484 2d ago
NTA. Your request is about safety and privacy given his abusive history. Your daughter should respect your boundaries to ensure your well-being.
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u/Lula_mlb 2d ago
NTA But your daughter needs help, i can´t imagine how hard it must be to accept that your father is an abuser. This might be a bad idea, but have you ever shown her pictures of what he did to you? I´m not saying she doesn´t believe you, but sometimes hearing about it and seeing it are two very different things.
Best thing to do is trying family therapy with your daughter to see if you can both get on the same page.
Best revenge is a life well lived :) You should be super proud of yourself.
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u/Individual-Opinion49 10h ago
We (daughter, son, myself) have been in therapy for years My son and I did the work, she did not. To this day she claims therapy does not work.
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u/rusty0123 2d ago
NTA for asking, but you are an ass for expecting this of her.
You have succumbed to the magical thinking that many abuse victims do. You think you are the only person he abused.
He's abusing your daughter. Even if it's not physical, it could be emotional or psychological or just plain emotional grooming from the years that he's had a relationship with her.
You are expecting her to do what you could not do when you were married. That's unfair and unreasonable.
Sadly, this is not something you can help her with until she asks for help. (And shame on you if you in any way encouraged a relationship with this abuser when she was a child because "he's her father" or "family is important".)
Instead of adding to the pressure and stress, simply tell her "I love you but you are not a safe place for me right now. I will always help and support you but right now I need to keep you out of my life for my safety."
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u/ImaginaryParamedic96 2d ago
She needs to respect your boundaries, or she does not get to receive the information at all anymore. This is a matter of your literal life here. She is letting her unresolved emotional issues and disrespect of your reasonable boundaries get in the way of your safety, and that is unacceptable.
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u/YrCeridwen 2d ago
NTA. When your mother is no longer here OP, you need to leave this place. It appears that your daughter has inherited her father's abusive nature, so no one could blame you if you went no contact with her. Her not wanting to protect another woman, let alone her mother! Who went through what you did, makes me think there's no hope for her. Congratulations on surviving and achieving what you have! He is reaping what he sowed, I hope his pathetic life is truly miserable. Keep yourself safe OP, I'm glad you have your son. Wishing you only the best.
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u/HotDonnaC 2d ago
NTA. Maybe you’ll have to keep more to yourself so she doesn’t share it. I’m happy you got free of the monster and empowered yourself.
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u/blucougar57 2d ago
Your daughter needs to wake up and realise the situation her father is in was orchestrated solely by his own actions. You are NTA. She needs to respect your wishes and stop feeding him information like a brainless little spy drone.
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u/FairyPenguinStKilda 2d ago
Your daughter is the one you should go no contact with. She is siding with a man who wishes you were dead.
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u/HoshiJones 2d ago
If you haven't already, you need to share with your daughter the things he did to you. Not doing so isn't fair to you, or to her - this is information she deserves, as she is in potential danger from him too.
If she continues to do this, I honestly think you should cut her out of your life.
NTA.
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u/Justitia_Justitia 2d ago
Have you talked to your daughter about the abuse in detail? That is not just "venting" that is a man who is violent and dangerous.
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u/Merry_Sue 2d ago
NTA. the child is 25, old enough that you don't need to be in touch with her dad for her sake (Dr visits, custody, holiday plans, school events/reports, etc). There's no need for him to know things about your life anymore.
Also:
She says her dad is wounded and is unhappy that he lives in poverty while I have created a good life for myself and he is just venting.
Isn't she wounding him further and making him more unhappy by telling him how well you're doing?
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u/Feisty_Irish 2d ago
NTA. You are not overreacting. Why is your daughter allowed to see him after what he's done?
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u/No-Abies-1232 2d ago
NTA that’s your daughter. I would tell her since she is such a fan of her abusive father to keep with him and leave you the fuck alone.
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u/jimmyb1982 1d ago
NTA. You have every right and every need to protect yourself. Your daughter, on the other hand, is an asshole. You ex, he's a gutless piece of shit coward.
UpdateMe
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u/Dustquake 1d ago
She says her dad is wounded. Yes he is, otherwise he wouldn't have been an abusive prick . The problem is he plays the victim instead of furthering his life. This behavior just keeps him in a wounded state and your daughter is enabling it.
There's something more here. What does she get from him? Has she been emotionally abused enough that she feels responsible for him? That's some bull. Your daughter needs to see a therapist. Her dad more so, but she's the only one who could get him there and she needs it first if she wants to do that.
A lot of your protective measures may come across as fear. IDK your mental state nor saying that is the case, but she may see him as the strong one and more the parent to model herself after. You could try to change that dynamic. Attempting to keep your life hidden from him would reinforce that.
NTA for the ask. Daughter is totally in the wrong. But parent/child dynamics.
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u/Ok-Ground-2724 1d ago
So if this is a real post then you are truly a bad ass! The best revenge is living well. Kudos to you. Also maybe start refusing to speak with her about your ex and refuse to listen when she wants to tell you things. Maybe then she will get the point.
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u/SilverRoseBlade 1d ago
NTA. Your daughter is 25 and can’t abide by a simple request to not tell her father anything?
She is an adult. You need to tell her what he did to you otherwise you will be dealing with this same issue over and over again. She could fall into a similar abusive relationship and not realize that you could help her. She probably thinks he has some sort of mental illness and that he’s not an actual abuser.
You have to tell your kids what he did to you if you are in a well enough place to discuss it.
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u/original-knightmare 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA. She has expressed that she is OK with the fact that you were brutally abused by your ex. Moreover, she’s under the impression that it is your fault that it happened.
Sorry to say, but your daughter is a AH, OP
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u/CivMom 1d ago
You are kind of being an asshole to yourself. You deserve to be safe. Take your mom and find a new martial arts school and a new community and live your best life. Write a freaking book, because other women aren’t as strong as you are and it’s hard to leave a horror of a marriage like that. NTA to your daughter.
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u/cachalker 1d ago
Time for your daughter to be put on an information diet. Do not share any information that you do not want shared with your ex. I’m going to be brutally frank…your daughter has made her choice. And that choice is to grant her father grace at your expense. Giving her father information about your life is more important to her than respecting your request to not share information about your life.
It’s also time for you to make some choices of your own. You can either continue to live with your life an open book to your daughter, and by extension your ex. Or you can move (I’m not saying you must leave the community, just move to a different location and don’t let her know where) so that your daughter no longer knows where you live, only agree to meet up with her at either her home or a public location, limit your conversations to her life and superficial subjects, and explain that you’ve put these boundaries in place because she has clearly prioritized your abuser over your mental health and if she chooses to push at those boundaries, you’ll cut her off completely.
Understand that you are ultimately in control here. You either have to be willing to cut off the information flow by whatever means necessary (even if that means cutting off your daughter) or you accept that your daughter is a direct conduit to your ex and nothing is going to change that.
NOTE: I’ve read some of your comments and your daughter is a real piece of work. NC is your best option if you don’t feel you can leave your current community.
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u/OkControl9503 1d ago
NTA, but your child isn't either. I had a Glock and a Sigma Bauer and always lived on the top floor behind multiple locked doors while I recovered from my own past abusive relationship. For a while I had a restraining order too. I found peace finally after moving to another country, but I would no matter what not have stayed in the same small town or even region once I got my divorce and custody (I got all the custody) finalized. It took years but healing is possible - and my child still doesn't know much about it, but is still close to dad as the dude is a very different parent than partner.
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u/Difficult_Process_88 1d ago
You’re not over reacting, hes already been violent with you so he shouldn’t ever be trusted and you’re NTA but your daughter is. There’s NO reason for her to be discussing you with him. She’s disregarded everything you have ever said about her fathers abuse and what you went through and she’s disrespectful by completely ignoring your request to not talk about you to her father. I get she’s your daughter, but you might have to go the extreme and go NC with her.
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u/ALGR243 1d ago
Your own daughter has more sympathy for the abusive father than her actually battered mom.
Rather than respect your wishes and right to privacy to be left out of the conversation, continues to feed him info. That's grounds from going NC (if she's an adult) or just leaving her out of updates in your life/ feeding false information.
As much you love her, she's shown the love isn't mutual, or at least not entirely.
NTA
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u/trixxievon 2d ago
There's a 100% chance he is abusive towards your daughter and she has Stockholm....
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2d ago
If you are indeed a doctor, you should have the means to move somewhere else. I know it doesn't keep a determined abuser out, but it might help your mental health. I would show your daughter your medical records & no contact order with any photos. I can't believe she continues a relationship with him. I'm not sure how safe it is to have a relationship with her. I wouldn't tell her anything.
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u/2dogslife 2d ago
I am ambivalent about that decision. OP obviously has ties to her community, perhaps family and friends. Why should she be forced to start her life all over again, new work, new friends, new home - for an angry poverty-stricken abusive ex-husband who has become a joke in his community for his ongoing spite against her.
At least where she is, she has status and a social network.
Also, she's lived with her situation for 20 years. While he's unpleasant, if he wanted to get to her, he's had plenty of chances.
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u/InstructionTop4805 2d ago
NTA. Does your daughter know and understand the extent of the abuse you suffered? If so, then you need to go LC or NC with her for the foreseeable future. Her discussing your life and achievements with him is only continuing to feed his rage and resentment and encourage his abusive behavior.