Am I AITAH for asking my daughter not to share any information about me with her father?

[u/Individual-Opinion49]

I have not spoken to my daughter's father in 20 years. I ended the relationship due to physical and emotional abuse (broken ribs, if I disagreed with anything he said he would pin me down and scream at me "Am I right" until I said yes). At one time I had a no contact order. We live in a small town and he is known to tell anyone that he wishes I was dead. He repeats this phrase to his daughter quite often. My daughter has discussed my personal business with him through the years- that I went back to school to become a doctor, that I got my black belt, etc. He rants that I ruined his life and that I will pay for doing so. I have respectfully asked my daughter not to say my name to her father or discuss any aspects of my life with him- yet she refuses to do so. He has not made any overt violent gestures towards me but I have a security system, a Glock and a personal protection German Shepard who pretty much goes everywhere with me. Am I over reacting and am I the ass hole for requesting that my achievements, locations, and other information not be shared with my ex-partner. She says her dad is wounded and is unhappy that he lives in poverty while I have created a good life for myself and he is just venting.

[u/bookworm-1960]

NTA

Give your daughter an ultimatum that if she refuses to stop sharing your information with her dad, you will go LC or NC so she will not know anything to share.

Hopefully, this will impress on her how serious you are. How is her sharing your personal information with her dad going to make him happy or change his financial situation? How is she OK with him telling everyone, including her, he wishes you, her mother, was dead? Unless you say the same about him, it's mind-boggling.

He ruined his own life, he is responsible for his unhappiness, and if he lives in poverty, again, that is not your fault but his.

[u/Individual-Opinion49 → u/bookworm-1960]

I don't say anything to my kids about their dad. My son (20) doesn't want ANYTHING to do with him because of the stuff he says about me in our community.

[u/bookworm-1960 → u/Individual-Opinion49]

I figured but wanted to confirm. If your son recognizes your ex is out of line, it makes your daughter a total A-H for her, not only continuing to support her dad but also sharing your personal information. Does she think his abuse was ok?

[u/Readsumthing → u/Individual-Opinion49]

NTA. From your comments, you said you shared the medical and police reports; her response was long the lines of “You should have complied”

She’s 25 now. IMO, perhaps best in written form, I’d compose some thing along these lines:

I’ve asked you not to share personal info about me to your father, yet you continue to do so. I’ve shared my medical and police info with you as to why I’ve asked you not to disclose info about me.

Do you think I have a Glock, attack dog, state of the art security for no reason? Do you still think I should have “just complied” with your father and he wouldn’t have broken my bones? Do you think I made him beat me?

Do you think it’s normal for him to *still*be so obsessed with my life after 20 years? Obsession this strong after 20 years indicted to me, that he is still, very much a danger.

Does he ever spend any quality time with you that my name DOES NOT come up?

I’m writing this because I want you to really think about this. I take my safety and peace of mind very seriously. Your continuing disregard of my basic request jeopardizes that.

IMO it’s probably a fruitless effort. Still, small town, you’ll know soon enough, and at least you gave it one last try, before NC or very LC

[u/Individual-Opinion49 → u/Readsumthing]

This is powerful. I find the fact that I still live rent free in his head disturbing and that hearing my name spoken sends him into a range. He has serious mental health issues and unfortunately his daughter has inherited some of those tendencies.

[u/kikijane711 → u/Individual-Opinion49]

Maybe you need to speak to your son about how to address your daughter who is his sister.

[u/Individual-Opinion49 → u/kikijane711]

I have he has her on low contact. He has done an intervention with her to seek therapy for her mental health issues. She contacts me daily and will ask how her brother is. My response is you will have to ask him. She is on a limited information diet with me- for example she knows I have a German Shepard, but does not know the dog is a trained protection dog.

[u/ImmediateShallot7245 → u/Individual-Opinion49]

It’s really too bad your daughter doesn’t think the same thing. This has got to hurt you so much and I’m sorry and so glad you got out and away from this abusive man stay safe and strong 🙏🏻

[u/cookie_3366 → u/Individual-Opinion49]

Does she not know about the abuse???