r/AITAH • u/Individual-Opinion49 • 4d ago

Am I AITAH for asking my daughter not to share any information about me with her father?

I have not spoken to my daughter's father in 20 years. I ended the relationship due to physical and emotional abuse (broken ribs, if I disagreed with anything he said he would pin me down and scream at me "Am I right" until I said yes). At one time I had a no contact order. We live in a small town and he is known to tell anyone that he wishes I was dead. He repeats this phrase to his daughter quite often. My daughter has discussed my personal business with him through the years- that I went back to school to become a doctor, that I got my black belt, etc. He rants that I ruined his life and that I will pay for doing so. I have respectfully asked my daughter not to say my name to her father or discuss any aspects of my life with him- yet she refuses to do so. He has not made any overt violent gestures towards me but I have a security system, a Glock and a personal protection German Shepard who pretty much goes everywhere with me. Am I over reacting and am I the ass hole for requesting that my achievements, locations, and other information not be shared with my ex-partner. She says her dad is wounded and is unhappy that he lives in poverty while I have created a good life for myself and he is just venting.

553 Upvotes
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18

u/VegetableBusiness897 4d ago

If she's a high school age, I would let her read your hospital records, police report, RO and divorce decree. Show her the evidence. Then ask her what does she do, when this happens to her??

Then I would have a serious sit down with her at 18. I would tell her that you will finacially and emotionally support her through college.... from afar. And if she cannot compartmentalize her relationships, after college, you will choose to to keep yourself safe

77

u/Individual-Opinion49 4d ago

She is 25- when she was in high school I let her read all the medical and police reports- her response was that if I did as I was told none of that would have happened.

98

u/1968phantom 4d ago

I'm so sorry but your daughter isn't a particularly nice person. "If I did as I was told none of that would have happened" yeah no to that bullshit. Pleased you are stronger these days.

43

u/TarzanKitty 4d ago

Damn! When she finds a relationship. She is either going to marry dad or she is going to be dad.

46

u/Magdovus 4d ago

Is that still her opinion? Because if so, I'd just stop telling her anything. Unless you want to use her to spread disinformation. That could be fun, watching your ex go ranting about stuff that almost everyone knows is untrue. 

12

u/DreamingofRlyeh 4d ago

"Can you believe my worthless ex is marrying foreign nobility?! Life is so unfair! And she just bought a yacht, too! I hate her!"

46

u/mallionaire7 4d ago

So he passed his abusive mentality on to his daughter. What a POS. I woukld have gone NC with her after that.

26

u/SnooWords4839 4d ago

It's ok to go no contact with your daughter. Her father has her trained well.

24

u/VegetableBusiness897 4d ago

Well then my answer would be " I will always love you as my daughter, just not as the person you have become. Enjoy your life with your dad. I wish you all the very best life has to offer, just not my personal safety and mental health '

24

u/Ok_IronStack 4d ago

Your question should instead be "WIBTAH if I cut off my daughter because she insists on relaying my personal information to my abuser?"

Your daughter has grown up to be her dad and clearly, refuses to acknowledge the abuse you were put through. If, that is what she said after you showed her your medical reports, you have to worry about daddy the abuser and daughter the enabler.

14

u/nlaak 4d ago

her response was that if I did as I was told none of that would have happened.

Sorry to say, but your daughter is broken.

11

u/Dusa- 4d ago

Bro your ex has her brainwashed, go no contact with her, she’ll figure out how much of a loser he is eventually. 

12

u/ParanoidWalnut 4d ago

Damn. That's cold. Either your ex is very ingrained in her beliefs, or she's a mean person by nature. Have you tried putting her in individual or family therapy with just you and her? This is such a terrifying response to someone.

10

u/iusedtoski 4d ago

if I did as I was told none of that would have happened.

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think you'll be able to get through to her. It's mainly a choice between LC, NC, and moving to avoid your ex even though it will leave your elderly mother in a bit of a bind. Perhaps you can move your elderly mother too. People do that.

6

u/kikijane711 4d ago

Wow, I am surprised you want anything to do with her after this - if she keeps sharing info AND she looks at your medical history as such. Awful.

6

u/ImmediateShallot7245 4d ago

I’m so sorry but she has the same mentality as her father!! and now I agree with others saying you need to go NC with her. You can be there for her but from a distance 🙏🏻

5

u/avast2006 4d ago

Ironically, she categorically refuses to do what she’s told when it’s you doing the telling. In so far as she has demonstrated she is in no way your ally, she needs to be on the outside of your defenses. No more info about your life for her. Feel free to tell her why.

6

u/PsychologyAutomatic3 4d ago

I would have nothing to do with her. Taking the side of your abuser and blaming you for the abuse means you should not have a relationship with her at all. It does not matter that you gave birth to her. She is her father’s child.

3

u/Historical-Laugh417 4d ago

I'm sorry but your daughter is a cun*! For your own peace of mind go NC. Maybe.she will then see what an abusive AH she is when all she has for family is her trash father.

3

u/queenlegolas 3d ago

You daughter is awful. Please cut her off, for your own safety. NTAH

2

u/Fantastic_Cow_6819 3d ago

That was an incredibly disturbing thing to say. She clearly has no empathy for you. I know you love her but for your own safety it’s time to go at least LC, or NC of you can. She clearly won’t care if he hurts you. You’ll get blamed. I hope she doesn’t turn into an abuser like her dad with that attitude.

2

u/Thick_Mick_Chick 3d ago

I know this isn't going to sound pleasant because, after all? She's still your daughter. It's seriously time that you start considering your daughter is just a chip off the old block. Maybe she is just as much the self-centered, lack of accountability having, abusive (there are more kinds of abuse than just physical), controlling narcissist that dear old daddy is. I'm sorry if that hurts you to hear, OP. Just because it hurts? Doesn't mean it's wrong, though. Maybe your ex isn't the only one you need to get away from. Best of luck to you in your future endeavors. 🍀

1

u/Top-Effect-4321 3d ago

Holy shit your daughter is actually a bitch. Cut her off just like her piece of shit dad. I hope he beats her