r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 2d ago
My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?
I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.
I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe.
But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.
But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later.
I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.
A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.
Was I the AH?
UPDATE:
Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again.
I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there.
I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.
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u/MameDennis1974 2d ago
Ain’t nothing like a dead beat narcissist claiming to be the one victim in a situation he created for himself.
“I wAS hELpiNG mY Co WoRKER gEt oUT of aN AbuSiVE MaRRIage!”
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u/Wael3rd 2d ago
I helped out a coworker ou of an abusive marriage and didn't even have to sleep with her!
SHOCKING !
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u/Solkre 2d ago
Phht. Obviously you did it wrong.
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u/Adept_Gur610 2d ago
I'm more interested in how exactly that phone call went where they basically spent some time catching up and talking about things and then out of nowhere he just says he doesn't care about her and hangs up? Like was he all happy before and catching up and then just decided not to?
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u/PatientFuzzy6232 2d ago
Me too. If the conversation went as he’s written he’s wild, totally diabolical.
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u/Somethingisshadysir 2d ago
I used to work with a lady who my dad had helped escape from one many years before. She specifically talked about how he was the only one who'd wanted nothing from her for helping her, that he was a true gentleman and most offering to help were not. Lot of creepers trying to take advantage of women in such situations.
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u/intoon 2d ago edited 2d ago
I helped two women leave abusive men. I never slept with either. How much of that affair was just an ego boost for him plus taking advantage of a broken person in a dangerous situation. If he’s really the savior he thinks he is, the victim coworker would have stayed with him. This man is delusional
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u/GoodBoundariesHaver 2d ago
Not just taking advantage of her, but putting her in more danger too. What does he think happens to someone in an abusive relationship if they're caught cheating? He literally was endangering her life to get laid
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u/Swimming_Onion_4835 2d ago
1000%. Some creepy guy did this to my mom when she was about to leave my (severely abusive) dad. He was in his 70s and she was in her early 50s, and he completely manipulated her because she’d been with my dad since she was 15 and that’s about where her emotional/romantic maturity stopped. He said manipulative, nice things to her and I wound up losing my ever-loving mind on her when I found out she was sneaking around to see him because my dad would have fucking killed her if he found out about it. No question, she’d be dead. Unsurprisingly, when my mom cut things off with that guy he cussed her out and basically told her she owed him sex because he’d been nice to her (they hadn’t had sex yet). 🙄 That fucker still sends my grandmother steaks in the mail yearly trying to get a way to communicate with my mom. My mom has her own issues, I’m not even in contact with her anymore, but also predatory men like that can go fuck themselves.
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u/Lady_Caticorn 2d ago
He could've asked his wife if the coworker could stay with them while she was leaving her husband. He could've looped his wife in and they could've together found a way to help his coworker. So scummy that he slept with her and put her in danger instead.
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u/thrownededawayed 2d ago
"It was nothing really, my penis did most of the work, I deserve no adulation or praise"
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u/Biggie39 2d ago
That’s so funny thanks for pointing it out…. How you gonna make yourself the hero in a story like this is just fuckin wild! 😂
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u/Resident-Bluejay2801 2d ago
Seriously. Fuck this guy. As a daughter whose dad also fucked up - I wish he’d try to play this with me.
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u/Better-Strike7290 2d ago
Obviously the primary thing you use to help abused women leave their marriage is your dick.
It's just so glaringly obvious.
/s
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u/TopPalpitation4681 2d ago
Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.
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u/DystopianGlitter 2d ago
I’m confused as to how this is even a question for OP. But I guess he doesn’t care about anything and is just waiting to die. Alone. How tragic.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 2d ago
Yeah, unless dude is an alcoholic or has a chronic illness he didn’t mention, I got bad news about wanting to die in your 60s and thinking it’s definitely going to happen soon.
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u/BetaMaritima 2d ago
Alone apart from his dog… oh, and his sister, but whatever.
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u/ladynutbar 2d ago
What are the odds his sister only talks to him like twice a year?
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u/bunofpages 2d ago
Ye, he mentions the sister so casually like an afterthought. His own, apparently last, kin and she's lower than the dog.
Makes me think his family issues may run just a little deeper than a casual affair.
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u/shelbabe804 2d ago
To be fair, if my eldest brother was my only remaining living kin, he'd be below my cat.
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u/AgreeableLion 2d ago
Are we supposed to feel sorry for him that he's just sat alone and bitter for the past 17 years instead of rebuilding his life? He blew up his first family, but there was nothing stopping him developing new relationships. If he was happy alone and unfeeling, then he wouldn't be on here asking about it.
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u/matchaflights 2d ago
For real self awareness level 0. A 12 year old said she never wanted to speak to you again and you let it happen…grow up.
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u/solstice_gilder 2d ago
Well there’s a reason he’s alone now.
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u/FloofyDireWolf 2d ago
Right? All I have is my sister and my dog. Gee. I wonder why.
Imagine getting a second chance with your family and a granddaughter who wants to know you and telling them to eff off. Unreal.
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u/McSmilla 2d ago
In this case I don’t think asshole is a strong enough word.
He’s absolutely leaving stuff out but even if he wasn’t, by his own telling, he’s a douche. Don’t even think the incels will defend this one
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u/celtic_thistle 2d ago edited 2d ago
Oh they’re defending him. They love the “evil mom alienated my child from me and it’s not my fault for behaving shittily” trope.
Edit: There are some dudes with biiiiig feelings downvoting a bunch of comments that point this out. Hit dogs holler.
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u/RedneckDebutante 2d ago
Yeah, my husband likes to blame me for "poisoning" our daughter against him. I mean, it could be the 20 years of alcoholism and not showing up to a single school or extracurricular function, but what do I know?
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u/chezibot 2d ago
It is true no one falls in love faster than two married coworkers.
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u/tercer78 2d ago
But she was in an abusive relationship from her ex who is currently in jail (18+ years later?!)
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u/ResplendentAmore 2d ago
And how does he know the ex is in jail? Why does he care?
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u/OrigRayofSunshine 2d ago
He kept up with that more than his own child.
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u/MasterOfKittens3K 2d ago
Did he move away with the coworker/affair partner? Is that one of the details that he “forgot” to mention?
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u/sparklebinch 2d ago
Seems like he moved away after the divorce, which happened after the affair was over, to get close to his sister. He didn't say so but I gathered that from his edit
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u/YepWrongGuy 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lol crap Dad gives up trying to make amends with his 15 year old daughter after a year when he destroyed her world by sticking his dick in an emotionally vulnerable coworker.
Doubles down 17 years later by still taking zero responsibility and chooses to take his shit life choices out on his grand baby.
Sounds like he's doing the daughter a favour, her only mistake was giving him yet another chance to prove he's a sack of manure.
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 2d ago
What truly floors me is that those who cheat and have children with their partners/wifes/husbands don't get that they are also cheating on their children/families. Kids see things go on, they know (few don't).
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u/Salty_Pirate7130 2d ago
This 10000%. The kids may not understand all of it, but they feel the tension and feeling of betrayal in the family.
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u/The_Original_Gronkie 2d ago
Yeah, you aren't just betraying your wife, you are betraying your entire family.
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u/Bria4 2d ago
Especially the father/daughter dynamic! He has no idea what his affair did to his teenage daughter and her view on men and relationships. Has anyone dated an insecure untrusting lady? Yeah, that started with good ol' dad! He's a selfish ass! I'm glad he said what he said. They are better off without him.
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u/ScheduleFormer1394 2d ago
Now to answer OPs questions, AITAH?.... Yes, he's an AH.
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u/moooooolia 2d ago
You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort without getting his dick wet!?
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u/chardongay 2d ago
i was gonna say are we not going to mention him taking advantage of an abuse victim or
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u/lunaaurae 2d ago
But it excuses it clearly. She was being abused, he had to fuck her way out of that relationship. Don't you know if the other woman's being abused it gives you a free fuck pass inside your own marriage? It was the right thing to do, heroic, actually. Its not like he could have helped her without fucking her could he? /s
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u/mtlgirl09 2d ago
His dick basically gave her the strenght to leave !
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u/E0H1PPU5 2d ago
This situation itself isn’t funny….but these comments have me rolling lol.
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u/0bsessions324 2d ago
I mean, it's kind of funny if you consider the fact that everyone else seems to have come out in a better position once he got the fuck out of their lives.
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u/E0H1PPU5 2d ago
Truth. I feel sad for his daughter that she apparently didn’t realize what a favor this douche did by removing himself from her life.
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u/odomotto 2d ago
His dick is giving ME the strength to leave. I'm going fishing.
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u/ArticleOld598 2d ago
Really puts things into perspective huh? OP has a savior complex but he's actually taking advantage of an abuse victim who confided in him.
A wise man would've help her get out of the abuse without getting his dick wet and ruining his own family. But nah, OP thinks he's a hero when he's just abusive in another way & could potentially put the AP into even more danger.
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u/wkendwench 2d ago
...and yet oddly, he did not want to be the savior to his 15 yr old daughter who was obviously taking the cheating and divorce hard and could have used help coping. I guess the difference is he wasn't fucking his daughter so couldn't save her.
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u/Stormtomcat 2d ago
I see what you're saying, but my mom also found the courage and just the basic energy needed to stand up to my father & stick out his war of attrition and delaying tactics when she developed a crush on someone else.
we talked about it in therapy a decade later : part of it was "wow, feeling butterflies breaks through the depressing grey fog of my daily life" and part of it was "gee, how far have my standards fallen that I'm crushing on this sleaze bag who's trying to get with a married woman".
not excusing OP's choice to cheat, of course, but ... IDK... I'm just clinging to the hope that that woman at least got something positive out of this whole mess, no matter how bad her judgement was to cheat on her abusive husband with a co-worker.
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u/mynameismilton 2d ago
My work crush helped me fix my marriage, weirdly enough.
My husband isn't abusive but we were in a bit of a rut after our first child was born, but neither of us really noticed or acknowledged it. I certainly just thought this numb, apathetic existence was the new normal.
Then a colleague started hitting on me on a night out and I was genuinely taken aback that somebody thinks I'm sexy. Nothing happened, although I definitely considered it. Went home, felt immensely guilty, and sat my husband down and said we needed to address this. We talked through all the feelings we had about each other, all the resentment we both had, and slowly but surely we've worked through it.
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u/humanhedgehog 2d ago
This is the right way to manage a work crush - sure, life happens and attraction happens, but acting on it can be carefully sorting out your present relationship, rather than chasing the crush.
Plus then you know you are trustworthy - it's not just you haven't had the opportunity, you have, but you chose not to.
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u/Stormtomcat 2d ago
yeah, I overheard my mom crying & asking my father how there were going to deal with their loveless marriage, and my father just screaming that she's a lesbian whore who's servicing other men (make it make sense).
thanks for sharing, I feel your experience is pretty uplifting!
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u/opheliainwaders 2d ago
I’ve experienced something similar and know a few other people who also did! I think that “woah, we have been a fog of parenting small children and didn’t even realize” moment is more common that anyone likes to talk about, and “another human? Is attractive??” sort of clicks something in your brain of “ohhhh, this isn’t how things were/are supposed to be” in a way that logic can’t.
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u/chardongay 2d ago
the key phrase here was "how far have my standards fallen that i'm crushing on this sleaze bag who's trying to get with a married woman." whatever that woman is going through, OP is still being a cheating, opportunistic sleaze bag.
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u/SummerIceCream3893 2d ago
While he thought he was a hero saving an abused woman by planting his flag in her, his daughter realized her dad wasn't a hero at all but instead a cheater who broke up his family and destroyed his daughter's belief in him. Of course OP is the AH.
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u/linerva 2d ago edited 2d ago
We know full well that many men wouldn't have given a shit what her relationship was like unless it was a woman they had an interest in fucking.
I love how he says he "admitted full fault" as if simply admitting it was obviously his fault for destroying his family and fucking a random coworker who confided in him...somehow fixes anything or is enough to make it up to the daughter whose life he destroyed at the time, and whose faith in him and in relationships he shattered.
Like, you can admit fault all you like, your wife and child still had every right to be extremely angry with you as a result of your 100% selfish extramarital dick wetting.
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u/Charliesmum97 2d ago
I'm endlessly fascinated at the passive voice cheaters use when discussing their affairs. 'Things just escalated', like he wasn't making a conscious decision to have sex with another person.
And OP, you 'sensed' a distance growing between you and your daughter. And you did exactly WHAT to try and save the relationship? Because it sounds like you're putting the blame squarely on your betrayed ex wife and your hurting teenaged daughter and not actually taking responsibility other than 'oh yeah, my bad. Oh well.'
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u/Daddy-o62 2d ago
Piggybacking on this. OP, to clarify - are you referring to the assholery of the the original affair, the assholery of your wimpy response, the assholery of your final insult to your daughter and granddaughter, or the general assholery of your narcissistic approach to the whole thing that seems more interested in how you’re perceived than any hurt you may have caused? Which one? Cause they all seem to fit.
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u/Amazing-Wave4704 2d ago
Yes. he's the AH times at least four.
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u/ButterflyLow5207 2d ago
5 because he's just waiting for his turn to die instead of volunteering. Or repairing the damage he did to his daughter.
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u/berkanna76 2d ago
It was so passive he acted like he was just a fly on the wall while all these horrible things were happening to him. He was so shocked that his wife would be upset about him cheating.
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u/whatokay2020 2d ago
Zero self-awareness or self-reflection. It’s amazing people like this can just stumble through life in this way.
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u/mj561256 2d ago
Not to mention that the daughter is actually completely valid in feeling betrayed in her own right???
When men with families cheat, they aren't just harming the wife
He blew up his daughter's entire world, exploded her trust in him, all while making the woman that GREW HER AND RAISED HER feel like that
To then not actually make any attempt to repair what he broke and instead say oh it was all my wife's fault, her being hurt turned my daughter against me, completely forgetting what made her upset in the first place
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u/ThrowRADel 2d ago
It's so strange how OP completely skips over the events that led her to going NC. It's like how he phrases it she just woke up one day and decided not to speak to him ever again after the divorce was already finalized. Then he violates her boundaries by trying to contact her for an entire year even though she asked him not to.
It's giving missing missing reasons and also OP is bad at consent.
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u/AinsiSera 2d ago
But don’t you understand?? He said he was wrong! What more could you possibly expect?????
What’s that, children’s level programming? An apology has THREE parts?
Say you were wrong - he did that.
Sincerely say you’re sorry - maybe?
Make amends (take the consequences or change your behavior going forward as appropriate) - shit.
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u/shibeari 2d ago
Saying sorry was enough to sooth his guilt for destroying his family, but hearing sorry wasn't enough to forgive her for being mad about it. Says a lot about him.
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u/Medical_Honeydew_968 2d ago
In his defense he did try for a whole year before he gave up. Oh well only my flesh and blood I hurt 365 days should fix it.
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u/onyxnotpokemon 2d ago
This! When he said he tried for only a year I was like .................that's it??!
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u/AmyInCO 2d ago
And he's letting his daughter down yet again. She reached out, which could not have been easy, and once again, he produced that all he cares about us himself and his feelings.
Doesn't matter what his daughter or Granddaughter wants. He doesn't feel anything, so screw them.
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u/ButWeAreNotOfEarth 2d ago
She’s better off, and hopefully his current behavior of talking about himself (“catching up”) and then confirming he cares nothing for anyone else has put to rest any lingering doubts or regrets she had; this child and her future children are far better off never encountering this person
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u/Fun-Zone2431 2d ago
The part where he is pretty much saying it was worth it because she got away from her abusive ex. Dude's got major issues if he thinks this woman is more important than his own family.
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u/linerva 2d ago
And obviously there were no DV charities or friends she could have sought or been directed to by OP, only getting a dicking from a colleague who is a shit father and husband could save her. Obviously.
Technically he put her at bigger risk by cheating - if her husband found out he could have killed her. IMO he took advantage of that woman when ste was vulnerable and out her at risk. Which cancels out any support he gave her to leave.
He could have supported the colleague without having an affair, but then what would there have been in it for him?
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u/skatoolaki 2d ago
But come on, now. How else would she ever have found the courage to leave her abusive ex if his magic dick didn't make her see the light & get out?? How could he withhold that saving grace from her? Why, he was only doing what was right and just.
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u/onyxnotpokemon 2d ago
Exactly! My dad left my mom a year ago & immediately started dating. And while OPs daughter might have been aware her parents marriage was on the rocks, Like I was aware of my parents, it still doesn't the stop the hurt. My parents separation changed my views on marriage and relationships, and changed my views on my dad, possibly forever. I thought the world of my dad, he was like a superhero. Then I found out he's a just a selfish regular guy. Maybe OPs daughter felt that too? I mean it took therapy for me to just like my father again.
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u/Guillerm0Mojado 2d ago
I’m always shocked when people are shocked that their kids’ opinions of them are massively impacted by infidelity or shady dating habits immediately around a marriage ending. Uh, like, they thought you were a certain kind of person and are now grappling with losing all respect for you overnight?? That doesn’t wear off easy.
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u/JYQE 2d ago
And his attitude at the end just proved to the daughter she was right to cut contact.
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u/linerva 2d ago
Agreed.
I get that it was hurtful to him that ste cut contact as a teen, but he could have told her he needs a bit of time to process, and he could have taken time to explore his feelings or get therapy and discuss maybe a cautious re-establishment of their relationship.
Instead he had a pissy fit to get revenge because his teenager lashed out when he wrecked her family decades ago.
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u/Zealousideal-Set-592 2d ago
But but, he tried for a year to fix things with his daughter! A whole year guys!
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u/therealsatansweasel 2d ago
Probably at least 3 or 4 phone calls!
This man is pathetic, rather than try to atone for his mistakes when given a chance, he doubles down and makes himself look like a victim of life when it was his choices that got him to the point he is it now.
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u/Irn_brunette 2d ago
So he and his magic dick rescued the damsel from abuse! How dare his hateful, uncaring wife and daughter victimize him for being "too damn honorable".
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u/celtic_thistle 2d ago
His ex obviously poisoned his daughter against him just because he stuck his dick in a coworker who was vulnerable, and he was a perfect dad up until then, but it’s all the ex’s fault that his daughter thought he was an asshole! She could never have reached the conclusion on her own!
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u/me-want-snusnu 2d ago
I had a married female boss that started having an affair with the warehouse manager. They were both in their 40s. She ended up pregnant and got an abortion but jfc she became obsessed with him. She stopped doing her job and basically stalked him. Now he's been in a relationship with the CEO a few years. Was a hot mess. Offices are sometimes worse than high school.
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u/SolidAshford 2d ago
Please, some people never graduate high school. It follows them forever
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u/RegrettableBiscuit 2d ago
YTA.
After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again
You really haven't learned anything since you messed up your relationship with her the first time, have you? You're still the same person.
I have only my dog and my sister left.
I wonder why.
Your daughter offered to reconcile, despite of the hardship you put her through, and you took this as an opportunity to hurt her again as much as you possibly could. Yes, you're TA. To yourself as well as to your daughter. You made yourself miserable, and you again hurt yourself to spite your daughter.
Stay away from her.
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u/trombing 2d ago
"My brother is a complete AH but I have to keep tabs on him because the dog won't", the sister, probably.
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u/myprettygaythrowaway 2d ago
More like, "I'd rather cut my brother off as well, but I have to keep tabs on the dog."
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u/MacDagger187 2d ago
He's going to cut the dog off for grabbing food off the counter
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u/Unusual-Helicopter15 2d ago
He wasted her time and energy carrying on that call. If he didn’t want to talk to her, he should have ripped the bandaid off in the first couple of minutes. Instead he dragged it out by letting her tell him about her life, crying and everything, while he sat there with no intention of bothering with her. Maybe he tells himself he was just being polite and letting her talk, but what he really was doing was being vindictive and waiting to drop the bomb on her that he doesn’t care and never call him again. What an asshole. He proved to her that she wasn’t wrong about him in the slightest, so at least there’s closure in it for her.
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u/ZookeepergameNew3800 2d ago
Yes, he broke her heart a second time. She was a teenager when he cheated on his wife. Teenage girls can be extremely hurt when their dad cheats on their mother because it’s their first example of an adult relationship, of men in relationships. Now, as an adult probably looking at her own child she maybe thought how much it would hurt to not see her child and assumed her dad must miss her. But he dragged her along, made her cry and hope and then said f you. Why? For what purpose?
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u/asharwood101 2d ago
I was gonna say something very similar. Out of all the mess ups op made in this story, from cheating with a coworker, to pushing away your very own daughter, etc…you got one chance to reconnect with your daughter again and you wasted it. Not only did you waste it but you led this girl on to potentially think you might actually care for her still. But in the end you closed down shop and put an out of business sign up.
Sure it’s been a while and you have shut down, but you had a chance to see your own daughter. I imagine she might remind you of the relationship you had but destroyed bc of your decision to cheat so maybe you feel guilty…but you gotta forgive yourself and move on. It seems like your daughter is at least trying to forgive you.
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u/Cade_Anwar 2d ago
As a father of a daughter myself, dude piss off. You’re a fucking asshole.
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u/HereIGoAgain_1x10 2d ago
"Gave up after a year." Dude, no matter if my wife and I were together or not I cannot imagine cutting off my daughter at age 16 because she was basically being a teenager going through the steps of her father cheating on her mother and her parents getting divorced. I'd send gifts at birthdays and Christmas. Write her notes she can read on her time. Freaking anything to let her know I still think about her and care about her. If OP cut off contact after a year then he failed the test that teenagers (and adults) give by ignoring you to see if you care enough to keep trying.
The fact after all this time he treats her with nothingness shows how big of a selfish asshole he absolutely is and has been. I feel sorry for the daughter but probably the best thing for her and her daughter both.
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u/ReallyJTL 2d ago
He also couldn't have had a strong relationship with the daughter in the first place. To give up after one year? I would have been trying every day to make amends.
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u/duecreditwherecredit 2d ago
Its not just how he treats her. Its how he FEELS. He broke the family bonds, he has no remorse, and no compassion. What a sack.
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u/Adept_Gur610 2d ago
He's literally the stereotypical narcissist old man.. literally just sitting there alone with no one in his life but his dog
All those years later his wife remarried. Probably had more kids maybe. But what did he do?
He cheated with a co-worker and then played the victim when he got caught. And then tried to justify it by saying he was saving her. Obviously she wasn't really into him because that relationship went nowhere
Then he got a divorce and never once tried to rekindle his relationship with his daughter and then all those years later he's sitting there having never remarried never had another girlfriend apparently doesn't even have like a group of buddies that he plays poker with
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u/MuchWear8588 2d ago edited 2d ago
He is waiting to die. He sounds miserable.
Edit: I haven't been raised to condemn people. Op if you are reading this. You can still find love within you. It is not too late. Maybe you should try therapy to process all of this. You can have a lovely 20 years with your daughter and grandchildren. Feel free to reach out if you want :)
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u/ASweetTweetRose 2d ago
He’s an asshole but if I was the daughter I wouldn’t want anything to do with him because he’s just waiting to die — at the relatively young age of 60s. My Dad is 78 and still very active!!
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u/MuchWear8588 2d ago
I completely agree with you. But tbh it also sounds like ragebait a bit.
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u/jedielfninja 2d ago
My buddy is really close with his daughters and i advise him to never betray their mother cuz daughters dont forget when someone makes their mother cry.
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u/tmotytmoty 2d ago
Neither do sons. If someone made my mom cry and would ruin their day.
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u/Stormtomcat 2d ago
as the son of a father like OP (though mine didn't cheat, only scream), I appreciate you speaking out - as men, let's hold men accountable!
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u/doodle-puckett 2d ago
As a daughter with a great dad - agreed. He can piss right the fuck off.
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u/joan868 2d ago
YTA and stop acting like the victim here
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u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
"I destroyed my daughter's life as she knew it and when she said she didn't want to talk to me (like an angry teenager might) I moved out of state and didn't call her on birthdays or send her a gift on Christmas or go to her high school graduation. I never checked in on her ever again, cementing that I was not only a horrible partner but a horrible father. I can't possibly be the asshole now, can I? Her mom was so mean and the poor sweet woman I was fucking was just a victim just like me."
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u/lifeinwentworth 2d ago
lol yeah trying to justify his affair because the woman he was cheating with was going through some shit. Like you could've still helped her without fucking her, you know?
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u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
He's also projecting a lot onto his ex-wife when he has no idea what happened to all the years he never bothered to even try to call. "I heard the wife remarried so I really hoped she'd tell my daughter to talk to me" Yeah because this is all the wife's fault. 🙄
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u/EnvironmentalEnd6298 2d ago
My parents divorced as well (cheating wasn’t the reason but it didn’t help) and I didn’t really interact with my dad. I spent years not speaking to him. My mom never disparaged my dad in front of me. However, she was adamant that it was never the responsibility of the child to reach out. If the adult wanted a relationship with the child, the adult must be the adult and reach out to the child.
So OP, yeah, YTA
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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 2d ago
My step daughter went through a “I hate you you’re not my mom” phase at 18, I’d been with her dad 2 years ATP, gotten her ready for proms, college tours, dates. We were close. When she said she didn’t want to talk anymore I said “that’s okay, I love you, and when you’re ready I’ll be here”
AND
I checked in with her a couple times a week “I love you hope you’re okay”
It is always on the parent or parent figure to stay in contact. Her mom up and left when she was 14 no warning, so she tends to push people away. I knew what was going on, but I didn’t push, I didn’t try to persuade her. Just made sure she knew I was here
She texted me “can you braid my hair” which has always been our thing (she knows how to braid her hair) still at 23 she comes over for me to do her hair when she needs some “mom time” I got my first Mother’s Day post from her this year and I was over the moon
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u/PaperCraneLove 2d ago
That is such a beautiful story! Thank you so much. Posts like these help me realize there is still good in the world amidst all the negative. 🥰
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u/HereIGoAgain_1x10 2d ago
Wow good catch. Dude has the emotional fortitude of a preschooler. Got his feelings hurt by a devastated 15 year old and gave his own daughter the silent treatment lol he was looking for a way out of responsibility way before he cheated and divorced.
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u/lifeinwentworth 2d ago
You're right lol. Missed that first time reading but yep! Very woe is me from a guy who had a huge hand in the whole situation.
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u/RunaroundX 2d ago
Not only that, but he was hoping the daughter would reach out, but then when she finally does, he's like "lol nope"
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u/Fast-Concentrate-132 2d ago
Oh and let's not forget the part where it took him a whole year, ladies and gents, to forget about his daughter and get over her.
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u/Bitchinstein 2d ago
I fought a custody case for 12 years after parental kidnapping. This dude is a pansy
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u/lifeinwentworth 2d ago
Right A YEAR!? I have people in my family who have been estranged (not me directly but my aunt with her daughters and siblings and so on). Whenever I talk to them they often talk about each other, in one way or another. There's a lot of drama and conflict there too so it's not always like oh i miss them and stuff but it's still there - like they don't just forget about one another and 'get over' those relationships. Some of them have gone years without talking and then bounced back into each others lives because at some point, one of them gets maturity and reaches out and the other responds (obviously not condoning this for truly toxic, abusive relationships). So trying for a fucking year when the kid was still what, 15? is absolutely nothing. Dad could've given her space, sure, but could've tried writing a letter or anything again once she was an adult, out of home, when he heard she was getting married. So many times.
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u/delightedlysad 2d ago
I thought the “whole year” part was ridiculous as well. Then I did some simple math and realized that he only had to pay child support for a year. He likely thought he was entitled to communication given that he was paying for it.
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u/Aethelete 2d ago
Seriously. He chose to have an affair, betray the most pivotal relationship his teenage daughter will ever know outside her own, and blame everyone for it except himself. He got cucked by the affair partner which is sort of karma, but even so
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u/tytynuggets 2d ago
This is one of the most obvious YTA posts I've seen here, good fucking lord.
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u/G-I-T-M-E 2d ago
He‘s an asshole but he’s also an idiot.
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u/Desperate_Fox_2882 2d ago
I read this and thought, "oh he's stupid stupid" dude has zero self awareness
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u/New-Fig-6025 2d ago
bros literally alone, feeling aches of loneliness with only his sister and dog, and waiting to die… and yet refuses to reconnect 💀 really is making his bed lmao
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u/Desperate_Fox_2882 2d ago
Big Time. Dude made his bed, and tucked himself in. He's going to die alone, and has no one to blame but himself
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u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll 2d ago
Yea, all I got from it was that he’s a guy that chases people who don’t want him and then immediately stops wanting them when they want him back. His daughter finally reaches out bc her mother apologized and came clean about encouraging their distance (yea, a shitty thing to do but parents are also jaded humans too, and she was already quite close to 18 when this all went down, she would have been turning 16 when they divorced, teens at that age are very emotional and almost always pick one parent over the other without being able to give impartial judgement or realizing it’s not their fight to have a stake in) and now she’s trying to mend the bonds he broke through his affair by reaching out. She was allowed to feel the way she felt as a teen (sounds like he gave up trying to reconnect before she turned 20) because in her eyes he caused their broken home and it took time and life experience of having her own kid, probably a lot of growth (I’m not 100% buying the whole, her mom basically gave her permission to get over her grudge and reach out) to swallow her pride and admit she made a bad choice, which he is now holding against her because it didn’t happen faster or to his liking. Cheaters always expect immediate forgiveness 🙄 it’s like their ultimate gaslight.
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u/Dyeshan 2d ago
Is it stupid divided by stupid? but I dont think thats right because he really seems more stupid than stupid.
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u/idkthisismynamenow 2d ago
This is so YTA that it must be fake, right? From like: "I am sad and it still stings" to "i dont care about my daughter or her life at all"
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u/Tsukaretamama 2d ago
I sincerely hope this is fake. But you’d be surprised how dense some people really are, even after committing obviously AH behavior.
Source: my own parents
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u/Itslittlealexhorn 2d ago
I don't think it's fake. It really does read like he expects others to understand his perspective. He probably lives a lonely and bitter life and this one opportunity to hurt someone who (still) loves him gave him back a feeling of agency which he had to share with others.
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u/No-Background-4767 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think this is absolutely the case.
Edit: to be clear, I mean that I do not think it’s fake and think OP is a Narcissistic professional victim
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u/HowAwesomeAreFalcons 2d ago
“A couple of hours ago, my daughter called…” <straight to reddit>
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u/closetmangafan 2d ago
My thoughts too. Trying to play the victim card when he was the one who cheated. Saying that he was remorseful for the act, yet only tried keeping contact for a year.
Then he says that his ex was remorseful? For what?
Spoke to his daughter and "caught up on life," but had no feelings to the matter.
Sounds like he had no love for his family in the first place.
Any true father would have jumped at the chance to make amends with their child.
The divorce happened decades ago it seems.
The kid definitely wouldn't be wondering about "granddaddy" if OP's Ex was happily married.
So many inconsistencies in the story, it is straight bait
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u/Icy_Appeal4472 2d ago
Holy shit I can't.
But OP who actively destroyed his family after a year went - OH WELP I've tried. Nah I am good now.
YTA soooo much.
You can chose to stand your ground here, but you are not the one being wronged here. You hurt your teenage daughter and after 17 years she has worked through her hurt and pain you caused her. And are chosing not to engage. You are well within your rights to do so, but you are not the victim here so stopping wording it as if you were.
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u/Golden_LEGO 2d ago
That poor girl!! Not only are YTA, but you're the most capital AH I've ever encountered on this thread. She was a CHILD. You did wrong, and she reacted. Then she grew up and missed her father. Do you have any idea how much it probably took for her to call you??
What an absolute ASSHOLE. Wow.
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u/FishingWorth3068 2d ago
So you betrayed your whole family to get laid, and have some sort of weird savior complex. Your teenage daughter was heartbroken because she realized her father couldn’t possibly care that much about her or her mother because he was willing to destroy all their lives to get laid. And now that she has matured and gotten past it, you are willing to break her heart all over again? You deserve to die alone. YTA
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u/Other_Spare_2851 2d ago
Literally just what I put to him. I bet he'll regret in his final moments.
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u/spiteful_rr_dm_TA 2d ago
He is going to die alone in a hospital. Guarantee some nurse that somehow liked him will say how sad it is that his family couldnt show up in even his final moments. But a lot of people who die alone do so because they are like OP to one degree or another. OP pushed away everyone in his life, and now acts like a victim. When his day comes, his obituary, if it even exists, will basically read:
"He shattered his family in an affair, refused the sparks of rekindling when his kid reached out, and died a sad, bitter, and pathetic old man, loved only by his dog because his dog didnt know anyone else to love."
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u/Lilithecat5 2d ago
I work in a nursing home, and we generally try not to judge the next of kin if they, for whatever reason, choose not to visit. Because we keep in mind that we mostly hear one side of the story, and sometimes we also get to witness just how awfully they treat their family 🫣
My first thought when reading this post was "yep, you're going to die alone because you were too stubborn to try to fix your own shitty behaviour"
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u/gabu87 2d ago
And now that she has matured and gotten past it,
I know you mean in this way but it's important to flesh out.
If his daughter never forgave him, ever, she would absolutely be in her right to do so. In fact, as it turns out, she WOULD have been better off not extending an olive branch to OP who is absolutely the AH
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u/CloudPretty9557 2d ago
I love how the dog comes before the mention of a sister.
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u/finn1013 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA. You destroyed her childhood and her family, by choice. Where there’s forgiveness, there is love. Your daughter forgave you enough to call you and apologize, and expressed sadness and devastation over the lost time. You responded callously and hung up on her. “I have only my dog and my sister left.” You had a chance to have your daughter.
Edit: if you’re reading these comments, please call her back. Apologize and put the past where it belongs. Behind all of you. I reconnected with cousins recently and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I can almost 100% guarantee your daughter will understand your anger and meet you where you are. Start there and work through this with her, OP. YTA but you don’t have to be!
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u/kmflushing 2d ago
I'm thinking OP did them a favor in the long run.
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u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
All these years later and he still has so many nice words for the woman he cheated with but blames his daughter for being devastated that he destroyed their family and gave up ever trying to speak to her again after a year and moved out of state
This guy is under the absolute delusion that he was a good father. She's probably better off without him and so is her daughter.
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u/HibachixFlamethrower 2d ago
He thinks the woman being abused by her husband justified the affair. This man is a pure piece of shit. Honestly I agree with him and I’m now waiting for his turn as well.
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u/Own_Afternoon_6865 2d ago
I've known several men who have started affairs because they thought a woman was being abused. They can't see that they have now abused their own family!
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u/lookingForPatchie 2d ago
Most absolutely bad parents tell themselves, that they were either great parents or did the best they could.
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u/dude496 2d ago
Sad to think of it that way, but I think you are right. We all fuck up in life, forgiveness and love are what makes life beautiful and worth living. I guess OP hasn't learned that yet.
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u/ixlzlxi 2d ago
Are we taking bets on whether the state he moved to is Florida? Something about this has such Florida energy
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u/celtic_thistle 2d ago
It sounds like my FIL. Same age bracket, same selfishness, affairs, everything. Except my MIL, who’s a saint, didn’t remarry and is thriving. FIL has a second home in FL. So yeah. I agree.
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u/juxtaposed-penguin 2d ago
Not by choice, can’t you see, this saint had a moral obligation to fuck his co worker, the abuse victim, to help her leave her husband.
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u/KLG999 2d ago
YTA. 15 is a vulnerable and difficult age under the best of circumstances. Had you not destroyed her world with your actions and been a real father (you know that unconditional love thing), you would know teenagers typically say mean things to parents.
She is not a hurt teenager anymore. She has matured, reflected on things in her life and reached out. Too bad she was right in the first place about you. Enjoy wallowing in your lonely misery.
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u/Southern_Prize_6118 2d ago
It’s funny to me cause you paint yourself almost as a hero : you cheated on your wife but it was with a woman who were in an abusive relationship and thanks to you she’s now safe. Wow she’s so lucky you chose to be a POS to your family so you could save her !! Come on man just think about it for 2 min please. Think about the heartbreak you caused your family. YOU should be the one to apologise to your daughter. Obviously YTA.
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u/lanboy0 2d ago
I took sexual advantage of a traumatized woman while cheating on my wife! I am great!
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova 2d ago
YTA. *YOU* were the one who tore apart your daughter's happy family and her life. She was a child, of course she had a hard time accepting that and coming to terms with it, and you're the one who was responsible for her pain. She probably felt betrayed and angry and like she couldn't trust you anymore. Of course you couldn't force her to forgive you or sweep your indiscretions under the rug.
I get that you've already mourned and accepted the loss of your relationship with her. That to you, this ended years ago. She was willing to offer you a second chance, and you chose to turn her down in an unnecessarily unkind way.
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u/SadFlatworm1436 2d ago
Totally agree..plus he gave a 15 year old one year and then disappeared yta
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u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
That's the part that killed me. Oh your daughter was mean to you for a year because you destroyed her whole life so you moved out of state and never called her on her birthday ever again? Can we really blame that girl for staying no contact for so long when after the first year he never exchange the gift with her at Christmas? He missed her high school graduation? He gave her absolutely zero reason to think that he gave a crap or that he wanted a relationship with her.
She was a kid and he was the cause of all of her bad feelings. He's horrible.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 2d ago
YTA
I told her I don’t care about her.
That much was apparent when you cheated on her Mom, but she was still willing to try.
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u/BigSis_85 2d ago
Big AH. You have a chance finally to get your daughter back, to have your grandchild in your life and you stick your nose up at it all because your feelings are hurt after you destroyed both your daughter and ex wife with YOUR affair. You betrayed your wife and your daughter. Did a whole world of damge to them you don't understand. Was it wrong of your ex to involve your daughter in ger pain, of course but it happens when someones world gets destroyed they make bad decisions based off their pain. But now you have a chance to build something beautiful with your daughter and granddaughter and you're not jumping at the chance. Like it or not the break down of that relationship was your fault. She was a child hurt by her fathers actions, breaking her stable home. YTA
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u/MizzGee 2d ago
YTA. You grew older, but not wiser in your years. You talk about losing your family, and nobody being left, but you don't even try to reconnect. Oh, you tried for a whole year when she was a teenager? Bet you didn't pay for college, though. You obviously didn't keep trying. You threw her away, because she never really mattered to you. She was just a possession.
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u/deathtoallants 2d ago
YTA. You deserved it after your affair. What are you, stupid?
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u/galsgonebillywilder 2d ago
But she was in an abusive relationship so OP's dick was the only solution!
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u/SpicyPotato_15 2d ago
I gave her the will power she needed to file a divorce through my dick and balls.
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u/Far-Consequence7890 2d ago
She’s being abused by one man so obviously the solution is to take advantage of her vulnerability to get my dick wet!
How did OP think that was going to go down with us?
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u/afspouse123 2d ago
YTA I hate when adults make very bad adult decisions that affect their children and then blame the children when they respond in a very child-like manner. Your daughter was a teenager. That is a rough time for kids even when their home life is stable. You gave her one whole year before you cut bait and gave up on her. Then you moved away. You told your daughter that she wasn't important enough to fight for and she believed you. Now that she is an adult with a child of her own, she has reached out to you and you again told her she wasn't important to you. She now knows she was probably right to cut you out the first time.