r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 4d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

32.0k Upvotes

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23.8k

u/chezibot 4d ago

It is true no one falls in love faster than two married coworkers.

13.8k

u/moooooolia 4d ago

You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort without getting his dick wet!?

9.5k

u/chardongay 4d ago

i was gonna say are we not going to mention him taking advantage of an abuse victim or

808

u/ArticleOld598 4d ago

Really puts things into perspective huh? OP has a savior complex but he's actually taking advantage of an abuse victim who confided in him.

A wise man would've help her get out of the abuse without getting his dick wet and ruining his own family. But nah, OP thinks he's a hero when he's just abusive in another way & could potentially put the AP into even more danger.

48

u/wkendwench 4d ago

...and yet oddly, he did not want to be the savior to his 15 yr old daughter who was obviously taking the cheating and divorce hard and could have used help coping. I guess the difference is he wasn't fucking his daughter so couldn't save her.

1

u/adsaillard 23h ago

... At least he wasn't fucking her, so there's that?😅

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u/Seas_of_Europa 4d ago edited 4d ago

You're only saying she was taken advantage of because she's a woman, and reddit thinks women are adult children incapable of personal agency. She chose to have an affair with the guy, both were in the wrong. Nobody was manipulated, two people found solace and an emotional connection through relating to each other's struggles.

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u/21-characters 4d ago

You don’t seem to understand the dynamics of what an abusive relationship is like.

-3

u/Seas_of_Europa 4d ago

None of you would be calling this manipulation if it were a guy in an abusive relationship who decided to partake in an affair with another woman. Reddit just likes to infantalize women. 

 Two miserable people confided with each other, developing a bond and attraction between both. That's it. Reddit is filled with socially inept basement dwellers, its the last community to take advice about social dynamics. Bobody outside of Reddit would be calling this manipulation.

1

u/ClashLord24 3d ago

Totally agree with you. Reddit is filled with brainwashed idiots who hate human connection lmao, these people need to speak to actual human beings

0

u/Femme_Fatalistic 3d ago

You need help. And a clue.

1

u/Seas_of_Europa 3d ago

Go talk to people outside. You've been on reddit too long. 

-39

u/nonlinear_nyc 4d ago

Yup.

For some people, women can do no wrong.

And that's infantilizing AF. Anyone can hurt others. Sweet dreams are made of this.

-38

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

this is a really insane way to patronize survivors. idk why i would have to tell you this but abuse survivors can consent to extramarital affairs 

8

u/CottTonBalls 4d ago

Having relations with a woman in an abusive relationship is a sure way to get her head blown off her shoulders. I'm in no way condoning abuse. But abusers abuse!!!! Unfortunately I see this everyday where I work. The #1 best way to help would have been to NOT have sex with her. Help her safely get out!!!!

1

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

I don’t condone the actions of this man. My point stands. 

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u/besameperro 4d ago

If they think an extramarital affair is a good idea then clearly they aren't of right mind to consent. 🤣 she herself is an idiot.

-11

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

I can't really think of a dumber sentiment to express in this situation. Truly embarrassing.

11

u/besameperro 4d ago

I'm sorry, did you have an extramarital affair? Did I strike a nerve with a deplorable human being? Have you tried building some morals and integrity?

-6

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

I have never been married, but thank you for proving beyond doubt that I was right to call you stupid.

3

u/besameperro 4d ago

Slept with a married person? Or thought about it and didnt get a chance? Still a shit human.

6

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

I feel it is painfully obvious that I have angered you, and now you're throwing as much dumb shit as possible at the wall to see what you can do to get back at me. Childlike, honestly. I hope for your sake you are not an adult.

0

u/besameperro 4d ago

Well that's typical coming from an offender. You'd be quite angry too if you were actually on the other side of that pole.

4

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

Ah I see. Someone cheated on you and now you're obsessed with projecting that onto strangers online.

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u/21-characters 4d ago

Yeah, of course, if they want to risk their abuser finding out and killing both them and the extramarital partner.

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u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

Yes, this is a risk, but do you think that risk means that survivors are unable to consent to extramarital affairs? Another braindead redditor with no reading comprehension. Stop treating people, especially women, like they're incapable of making bad decisions on their own. Survivors are stigmatized enough without having their agency denied by couch commentators with no skin in the game.

8

u/nonlinear_nyc 4d ago

People are so keen on detecting victims and abusers, as if roles don't mix as we go.

They use therapy speak into a Disney movie narrative.

No wonder abusers hide as victims, it's the best place to be.

-6

u/Ok_Slide979 4d ago

I just try to remind myself that the informed dvsa specialists of the world are not necessarily on reddit, so the knownothings here spouting off like they're licensed mental health counselors don't matter. That said, I hate to see stupidity, especially when popular.

-8

u/nonlinear_nyc 4d ago

Yup.

But they're also watering down important concepts, for a sense of moral superiority.

When people actually suffer from symptoms, terms are being so overused, that they can't be a map for healing anymore.

It's therapy objects in a Disney narrative. Living vicariously and pointing fingers.

1

u/adsaillard 23h ago

Right, but she wasn't a survivor yet at this point. She was still pretty into the cycle of abuse, and still the victim, not the survivor.

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u/Ok_Slide979 19h ago

That is immaterial to my point.

-24

u/ctm617 4d ago

OP has a savior complex

He had an affair with a woman almost 20 years ago, and because she was in a domestic abuse situation, he has a "savior complex". I see.. What else in his story leads you to the conclusion that he has any sort of complex? Aren't you kind of sorta slapping a label on the guy's entire personality from reading a few paragraphs ? What is a complex? I'm sure you know, since you're a trained psychologist. But I did not until now. Please, explain to me, using as much medical jargon as humanly possible, how OP conforms to the following definition:

Complex: a related group of emotionally significant ideas that are completely or partly repressed and that cause psychic conflict leading to abnormal mental states or behavior.

-52

u/Slowjoggerssmell 4d ago

Yes because adult women are incapable of making decisions by themselves and the four sentences of OP is enough information to go on. You people always infantilize adult women and its so sad, if you think women dont have the mental capacities to go in a relationship why do we allow them other more important decisions like voting or abortions? 

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u/waterwateryall 4d ago

You had me with the first sentence, but you really went off the rails after that.

-15

u/finagawd 4d ago

He was going through his own relationship problems at the time. They were both in bad relationships. His may not have been physical but there seems to be emotional abuse from his now ex-wife. If she was abusive post relationship, it is safe to assume she was that way during the relationship. He wasn't taken advantage of anyone. They both supported each other during difficult times. Amazes me how you completely ignore what he was going through so you can attack him instead,

-4

u/ifreew 4d ago

Just so I understand correctly, all people that are in abusive relationships, who have free agency, and sometimes are looking for an escape through another romantic situation, should be avoided at all costs by anybody that said person might be interested in? The person trying to escape should never find love, and if they do the person they find it with is automatically a predator?

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u/rizzyraech 4d ago edited 4d ago

If you met someone who you're attracted to, found out they're in a toxic/abusive relationship, and start to think you might be developing feelings for them, your priority should be helping them safely leave their abuser, and if necessary, making sure they're far enough away or hard enough to find that their abuser can't retaliate against them for leaving. If you actually loved and respected this person, you absolutely would not be more concerned about getting your fucking dick wet, because you'd realize doing so would exponentially increase their risk of getting harmed or killed if their abuser found out.

You don't have to fuck someone to love them, or even show them you love them. Why are you conflating the two?

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u/CottTonBalls 4d ago

This x10000000000

-4

u/ifreew 4d ago

But why are you simplifying a spontaneous genuine attraction, by characterizing it as ‘getting your dick wet?” Is this a way language can be used to distort the nuanced, diverse spectrum of emotions and reactions arising in individualized genuine circumstances?

2

u/exhibitprogram 3d ago

You can feel any genuine individual emotion you want, but as an adult you have the responsibility to not act on every feeling like a toddler. You have to make the sensible choice in the moment and not make the situation actively worse.

0

u/ifreew 3d ago

There you go utilizing weird, hypnotic language again by employing the word ‘toddler’.

1

u/exhibitprogram 3d ago

You're using weird, hypnotic language by employing the word hypnotic.

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u/ifreew 3d ago

True. 🤣

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u/Unhappy_Injury3958 4d ago

their partner will likely murder them is the reason.

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u/exhibitprogram 4d ago

The person trying to escape should prioritize surviving, yes.

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u/adsaillard 23h ago

Yes, because if they are looking for an escape through another romantic situation, they are in no shape or form ready to get into anything resembling a healthy relationship with someone else. It's also using someone else and their feelings as a tool (to escape) -- which is in itself already manipulative.

And if someone is interested in them -- truly interested -- then, as someone else said, they should try to help them get out, get some help, and start healing before moving towards romance and/or sex.

Now, it's possible that someone would get involved to another person in this situation without meaning to be predatory, but it would still be unethical, and pretty dangerous to the abused spouse, and have 300 different ways of blowing up in their faces.