My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/chardongay]

i was gonna say are we not going to mention him taking advantage of an abuse victim or

[u/ArticleOld598 → u/chardongay]

Really puts things into perspective huh? OP has a savior complex but he's actually taking advantage of an abuse victim who confided in him.

A wise man would've help her get out of the abuse without getting his dick wet and ruining his own family. But nah, OP thinks he's a hero when he's just abusive in another way & could potentially put the AP into even more danger.

[u/ifreew → u/ArticleOld598]

Just so I understand correctly, all people that are in abusive relationships, who have free agency, and sometimes are looking for an escape through another romantic situation, should be avoided at all costs by anybody that said person might be interested in? The person trying to escape should never find love, and if they do the person they find it with is automatically a predator?

[u/rizzyraech → u/ifreew]

If you met someone who you're attracted to, found out they're in a toxic/abusive relationship, and start to think you might be developing feelings for them, your priority should be helping them safely leave their abuser, and if necessary, making sure they're far enough away or hard enough to find that their abuser can't retaliate against them for leaving. If you actually loved and respected this person, you absolutely would not be more concerned about getting your fucking dick wet, because you'd realize doing so would exponentially increase their risk of getting harmed or killed if their abuser found out.

You don't have to fuck someone to love them, or even show them you love them. Why are you conflating the two?

[u/CottTonBalls → u/rizzyraech]

This x10000000000

[u/ifreew → u/rizzyraech]

But why are you simplifying a spontaneous genuine attraction, by characterizing it as ‘getting your dick wet?” Is this a way language can be used to distort the nuanced, diverse spectrum of emotions and reactions arising in individualized genuine circumstances?

[u/exhibitprogram → u/ifreew]

You can feel any genuine individual emotion you want, but as an adult you have the responsibility to not act on every feeling like a toddler. You have to make the sensible choice in the moment and not make the situation actively worse.

[u/ifreew → u/exhibitprogram]

There you go utilizing weird, hypnotic language again by employing the word ‘toddler’.

[u/exhibitprogram → u/ifreew]

You're using weird, hypnotic language by employing the word hypnotic.

[u/ifreew → u/exhibitprogram]

True. 🤣