r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 6d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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13.8k

u/moooooolia 6d ago

You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort without getting his dick wet!?

9.5k

u/chardongay 6d ago

i was gonna say are we not going to mention him taking advantage of an abuse victim or

813

u/ArticleOld598 6d ago

Really puts things into perspective huh? OP has a savior complex but he's actually taking advantage of an abuse victim who confided in him.

A wise man would've help her get out of the abuse without getting his dick wet and ruining his own family. But nah, OP thinks he's a hero when he's just abusive in another way & could potentially put the AP into even more danger.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

this is a really insane way to patronize survivors. idk why i would have to tell you this but abuse survivors can consent to extramarital affairs 

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u/CottTonBalls 6d ago

Having relations with a woman in an abusive relationship is a sure way to get her head blown off her shoulders. I'm in no way condoning abuse. But abusers abuse!!!! Unfortunately I see this everyday where I work. The #1 best way to help would have been to NOT have sex with her. Help her safely get out!!!!

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

I don’t condone the actions of this man. My point stands. 

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u/besameperro 6d ago

If they think an extramarital affair is a good idea then clearly they aren't of right mind to consent. 🤣 she herself is an idiot.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

I can't really think of a dumber sentiment to express in this situation. Truly embarrassing.

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u/besameperro 6d ago

I'm sorry, did you have an extramarital affair? Did I strike a nerve with a deplorable human being? Have you tried building some morals and integrity?

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

I have never been married, but thank you for proving beyond doubt that I was right to call you stupid.

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u/besameperro 6d ago

Slept with a married person? Or thought about it and didnt get a chance? Still a shit human.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

I feel it is painfully obvious that I have angered you, and now you're throwing as much dumb shit as possible at the wall to see what you can do to get back at me. Childlike, honestly. I hope for your sake you are not an adult.

1

u/besameperro 6d ago

Well that's typical coming from an offender. You'd be quite angry too if you were actually on the other side of that pole.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

Ah I see. Someone cheated on you and now you're obsessed with projecting that onto strangers online.

-1

u/besameperro 6d ago

Ope you got me, multiple people have cheated/abused me. Now do I get a free pass to be a shit human just because I got a boohoo story? C'mon! I'm so insecure about my place in this world and I need the validation!

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u/21-characters 6d ago

Yeah, of course, if they want to risk their abuser finding out and killing both them and the extramarital partner.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

Yes, this is a risk, but do you think that risk means that survivors are unable to consent to extramarital affairs? Another braindead redditor with no reading comprehension. Stop treating people, especially women, like they're incapable of making bad decisions on their own. Survivors are stigmatized enough without having their agency denied by couch commentators with no skin in the game.

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u/nonlinear_nyc 6d ago

People are so keen on detecting victims and abusers, as if roles don't mix as we go.

They use therapy speak into a Disney movie narrative.

No wonder abusers hide as victims, it's the best place to be.

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u/Ok_Slide979 6d ago

I just try to remind myself that the informed dvsa specialists of the world are not necessarily on reddit, so the knownothings here spouting off like they're licensed mental health counselors don't matter. That said, I hate to see stupidity, especially when popular.

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u/nonlinear_nyc 6d ago

Yup.

But they're also watering down important concepts, for a sense of moral superiority.

When people actually suffer from symptoms, terms are being so overused, that they can't be a map for healing anymore.

It's therapy objects in a Disney narrative. Living vicariously and pointing fingers.

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u/adsaillard 3d ago

Right, but she wasn't a survivor yet at this point. She was still pretty into the cycle of abuse, and still the victim, not the survivor.

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u/Ok_Slide979 2d ago

That is immaterial to my point.