My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/moooooolia]

You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort without getting his dick wet!?

[u/linerva → u/moooooolia]

We know full well that many men wouldn't have given a shit what her relationship was like unless it was a woman they had an interest in fucking.

I love how he says he "admitted full fault" as if simply admitting it was obviously his fault for destroying his family and fucking a random coworker who confided in him...somehow fixes anything or is enough to make it up to the daughter whose life he destroyed at the time, and whose faith in him and in relationships he shattered.

Like, you can admit fault all you like, your wife and child still had every right to be extremely angry with you as a result of your 100% selfish extramarital dick wetting.

[u/Charliesmum97 → u/linerva]

I'm endlessly fascinated at the passive voice cheaters use when discussing their affairs. 'Things just escalated', like he wasn't making a conscious decision to have sex with another person.

And OP, you 'sensed' a distance growing between you and your daughter. And you did exactly WHAT to try and save the relationship? Because it sounds like you're putting the blame squarely on your betrayed ex wife and your hurting teenaged daughter and not actually taking responsibility other than 'oh yeah, my bad. Oh well.'

[u/berkanna76 → u/Charliesmum97]

It was so passive he acted like he was just a fly on the wall while all these horrible things were happening to him. He was so shocked that his wife would be upset about him cheating.

[u/whatokay2020 → u/berkanna76]

Zero self-awareness or self-reflection. It’s amazing people like this can just stumble through life in this way.

[u/No-Influence-2328 → u/whatokay2020]

“But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things EXPERTLY DIDNT go well” or did you lot just gloss over that

[u/whatokay2020 → u/No-Influence-2328]

Where does that imply self-reflection or awareness? 🤔 That’s just an external observation.

Sounds like he’s aware things just went south, but I don’t see any deep reasoning as to why he even did those things in the first place or how he decided to make efforts to change afterwards. He “admitted fault,” but did he make any efforts to understand himself internally and adjust?

Just because someone can see, “wow that person must be really mad at me,” as an impartial observance doesn’t mean they’re doing the internal work of thinking, “I wonder why? Why did I do the thing I did? Why did I hurt them? What was going on inside of me? How could I have done things differently? How can I learn moving forward to be a better person?” Yeah, I heard none of that.

It seems he’s still unaware why he does the things he does based on his emotions or lack thereof. When it comes to his affair, “things just escalated.” When it comes to his daughter, he “sensed distance was growing.” I dont hear, “this is why things escalated and this was my part in it, this is why the distance was growing and this was my part in it.” See the difference?

We can all observe reality, but it’s on us to understand our part in what we see.

[u/No-Influence-2328 → u/whatokay2020]

you’re acting like the fact he admitted his wrongdoing justifies the wife talking crap to their CHILD and actively ruining their relationship! he is allowed to be mad cause the child still didn’t reach out on her OWN accord but cause mum felt guilty for ruining their relationship and that’s the ONLY reason the daughter reached out in the first place cause she had 17 years to reach out on her OWN. She could’ve reached out after she got married and had kids as she would have a better understanding (still not justifying his actions of cheating) of what happened but she still DIDNT reach out. the daughter has been an ADULT for a MINUTE and no point did she say to herself “i want to reconcile with my father” but decided to reach out when the same person who ruined their relationship told her she felt guilty she ruined that relationship.

the daughter made it known she did not want him in her life and he respected that.

he doesn’t have to forgive her because you and the other comments told him to do so, he is still sad that the relationship with his daughter got ruined for his mistakes BUT the nail in the coffin was the WIFE actively ruining their relationship while he was trying to reconcile HOWEVER she did not feel “guilty” until she was happy and had moved on.

[u/whatokay2020 → u/No-Influence-2328]

I never once justified the wife talking badly about him to their child in anything I said so I’m not sure what that’s about.

It’s valid for OP to be hurt and mad, but it would serve him to also be more self reflective and take responsibility for how he feels, understands why he feels that way, and adjust based on the outcomes he wants. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, he can’t rely on how he feels about her in the moment. He has to put that aside and learn new ways of speaking and connecting with her. Slowly, over time, they will build more trust and will foster a deeper emotional connection. To just give up before he “feels” something, is not emotionally mature.

It’s a lot harder for a child to forgive a parent who caused emotional trauma in their childhood, as our attachment systems literally need our attachment figures to survive, versus a parent hurt emotionally by their adult child in their adulthood.

[u/millcreekspecial → u/berkanna76]

"I had nothing to do with that situation, you see ..."

[u/berkanna76 → u/millcreekspecial]

It was all everyone else being mad and yelling for mysterious reasons.

[u/millcreekspecial → u/berkanna76]

"Yes, that's right! they were all just crazy, I didn't even know what they were talking about!"