My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

Yea, all I got from it was that he’s a guy that chases people who don’t want him and then immediately stops wanting them when they want him back. His daughter finally reaches out bc her mother apologized and came clean about encouraging their distance (yea, a shitty thing to do but parents are also jaded humans too, and she was already quite close to 18 when this all went down, she would have been turning 16 when they divorced, teens at that age are very emotional and almost always pick one parent over the other without being able to give impartial judgement or realizing it’s not their fight to have a stake in) and now she’s trying to mend the bonds he broke through his affair by reaching out. She was allowed to feel the way she felt as a teen (sounds like he gave up trying to reconnect before she turned 20) because in her eyes he caused their broken home and it took time and life experience of having her own kid, probably a lot of growth (I’m not 100% buying the whole, her mom basically gave her permission to get over her grudge and reach out) to swallow her pride and admit she made a bad choice, which he is now holding against her because it didn’t happen faster or to his liking. Cheaters always expect immediate forgiveness 🙄 it’s like their ultimate gaslight.

[u/Main_Following1881 → u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

tbh if someone doesnt want you, you should respect their choise.

[u/osideous → u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

It didn't read to me like the ex wife encouraged the distance. A 15 year old girl can make up their own mind at the time. Which is what she did.

[u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll → u/osideous]

It indicates several times before the update that her mother after finding out about the affair and during divorce proceedings spoke badly of OP, and that OP was hoping once his ex remarried she would encourage them to start talking again because he had already stopped reaching out and his daughter had cut contact. Now 17 years later her mother is apologizing for feeling guilty about what happened between the three of them. So you’re more than welcome to hold the opinion that the ex-wife didn’t encourage her daughter, but to me it does read like she encouraged the distance (especially initially) and kids do usually pick sides in divorce, his side just didn’t get picked.

Also, he updated to say he and his sister are permanently leaving the country in 4 months so other than being drunk and hoping for sympathy, I think he was expecting the reaction to leave him feeling less guilty for leaving now that she’s reached out. It almost seems like a moot point, really.

[u/osideous → u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

Said a lot of horrible things? I.E. my ex told my daughter I cheated on her and said things out of anger. To which my 15 year old daughter made her own choices because she was also hurt. Stop projecting what you think happened based on his one sided story.

[u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll → u/osideous]

Lol, I’m not making any projections, I think you were expecting a child to make an unbiased adult-like choice. And that’s just weird. It’s a weird take. And also I care much less about this than you seem to, so maybe unpack that instead of attacking someone because they disagree with you based on what information OP has provided 🤷🏻‍♀️ have a day

[u/osideous → u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

A child? She was 15, stop that bullshit. She was a sophomore in Highschool. Very capable of making an adult decision. GTFOH with your dumb ass. You seem very much invested in what I said, since you chose to respond to begin with. If you didn't you would have kept your opinion to yourself from the beginning.

Now sit and stew as I don't respond back at all.

[u/persau67 → u/Gotta_Stardew_emAll]

What part of a 12 year old (Grand)daughter makes you think OP is still seeking "immediate" forgiveness.

He knows he was an asshole. He struggled to come to grips with it and still hates himself to this day. He gave up all hope of repairing this relationship and now he's refusing to be vulnerable because he knows he already lost everything he ever cared about. He's not willing to lose it all over again.

He was an AH in the past, but today I don't want to put that back label on him. He never took off the original one in the first place, and it's still his identity. You don't need to kick the man when he's down, he does it all by his lonesome.