My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/The_Asshole_Judge]

YTA

I told her I don’t care about her.

That much was apparent when you cheated on her Mom, but she was still willing to try.

[u/AardvarkDisastrous70 → u/The_Asshole_Judge]

It was also apparent when he gave up after 1 year

[u/iksoria → u/The_Asshole_Judge]

His wife was just as much part of the problem as to why he lost interest and went to his co worker. Re read the post and stop picking it away. His wife pushed him away, he goes to find comfort with another person, finds it, then his wife is mad he didn’t do what she wants and started poisoning her daughter’s mind.

[u/TheRealAssyMcGee → u/The_Asshole_Judge]

lmao so breakups mean you hate ur kid?

the mom literally manipulated the daughter for a straight year and yall see nothing wrong with that just cause the dad cheated.(mothers cheat all the time too)

the dad tried to reconnect for a straight year with a 15 to 16 year old. even with slight manipulation, that age is old enough to make decisions like not seeing your father. fucking some 16 year olds are parents bud.

she wanted to reconnect because her MOM TOLD HER CAUSE SHE FELT GUILTY AND BAD(i fucking wonder why…. the answer is manipulation btw)

stop simping

[u/User123466789012 → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

What exactly was she manipulating? Where is he a good guy here? Point it on the map to the class.

[u/TheBrolitaSys → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

Damn guess OP ain't the only slow ass motherfucker. No wonder he thinks he's a victim, he got mfs like you telling him he good 😭😭

[u/Okatu-Syndrome → u/TheBrolitaSys]

lol he said she talked about him in a poor manner; regardless of who destroyed the marriage, even if it was true, the wife was more than partially responsible for his ruined relationship with his daughter. And yes, talking poorly about your ex husband and daughter’s father is manipulative - we don’t even know whether it was all true or not but it doesn’t matter, a good parent hides those thoughts from their child so they don’t lose a otherwise great relationship. At 15 there was no real reason to even tell her about the affair. I’m a child of divorced parents and this happened to me; and I wish I could have seen how hurt my mom was to constantly talk shit about my dad. It strained our relationship until I got much older and realized that someone can be a bad husband but be a great father.

Still he’s the AH; and he was hurt it took her 17 years to come around and lashed out while drunk. Not saying that’s a ‘good’ excuse for what he said, but it is a reason.

[u/TheBrolitaSys → u/Okatu-Syndrome]

lol he said she talked about him in a poor manner;

Yes, when you're a shitty person, people are going to tell the fucking truth about you. Maybe don't be shitty if you don't want to get talked about in a poor manner. This is not on the mother, this is on this dumbass OP who destroyed his family and wants to play the victim.

a good parent hides those thoughts from their child so they don’t lose a otherwise great relationship.

No, they don't. A good parent doesn't hide shit about the other parent because THAT'S lying, and they're going to figure it out and then be pissed at both parents. You tell the truth. Manipulation would be telling them they have to hate the other parent or they will no longer speak to them or something like that. Telling the truth about a shitty parent is not manipulation.

At 15 there was no real reason to even tell her about the affair.

Right sure... as if a 15 year old doesn't know what a fucking affair is. If you REALLY think you can keep an affair from a 15 year old, you either don't have children, your childhood was peaches and roses, or both!

I know every single shitty thing my dad did to my mother, us, and his other children. But she never asked me to hate him. She doesn't care what relationship I have with him! I decided ON MY OWN that I don't want a relationship with him once I don't have to rely on my family anymore. Same with my mother, actually, but that's different. That's WAY more personal-

And if my mother didn't tell me, I would've FOUND OUT. And then I would've been pissed she didn't say shit!

Y'all swear children can't make their own decisions and must've been manipulated- like no, the OP was just a shitty fucking father and now he's gonna die alone. That's. What. He. Deserves. He did that to his fucking self. He destroyed his family and is facing the consequences. That's all there is to it.

There is no other fucking reason, and the mother was not at fault. You’re just a sheltered ass child who never had to actually deal with having shitty parents! That, or you decided your parents deserved forgiveness. Which is great, but in that case, that's YOU and YOUR relationship. The rest of us with self-respect don't want a relationship with a shitty person that destroyed his family or his kids or our mothers or whatever the fuck happened! If you weren't either one of those, you'd know that you can't hide shit from kids, and it would be wrong to anyway! So stay in your fucking lane about it.

[u/Okatu-Syndrome → u/TheBrolitaSys]

lol ruining a child’s relationship with their dad out of spite is wrong. He deserved it? Fine, she didn’t. You’re wrong

[u/TheBrolitaSys → u/Okatu-Syndrome]

Ofc it's wrong. But that's not what she did so your argument is irrelevant. :)

[u/Okatu-Syndrome → u/TheBrolitaSys]

I dunno how you see that she didn’t do that? If you don’t think mother made spiteful comments to ruin the relationship then why do they regret it now? Why is she trying to make up for the last 17 years on her Mother’s request? Why do they feel guilty? Neither of us know the whole picture, but parents should divorce and keep the reason why out of it until they’re at least a legal adult. He’s not, but he could have been one of the pillars that held her up in Times of trouble; she was robbed that because her mom decided to spitefully tell her we can’t be a family because your dad cheated.

Again a bad husband can be a good father and spitefully telling truths that you didn’t need to include daughter in would be wrong and traumatizing. You’re basically saying anyone who cheated on their wife or husband can’t be a good parent and doesn’t deserve a relationship and that’s simply not true. 15 years old is old enough to be opinionated but is way too young to cut off one of the most important figures in her life, who loved her dearly. OP clearly implies that his ex talked trash and was a driving force in the NC with daughter.

Again he’s a bad person - but a bad husband can be a wonderful father. Daughter was robbed of that.

[u/TheBrolitaSys → u/Okatu-Syndrome]

God you sound slow- I'm not doing this with you. I addressed all that already and I'm not repeating myself, so you can either learn to read or get the fuck out my face.

[u/Okatu-Syndrome → u/TheBrolitaSys]

Yeah you talked about it but I disagree. You’re wrong - though that’s my opinion on the matter. Lmao if I’m slow than you must be stationary.

[u/Blink182YourBedroom → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

I don't think simping means what you think it means.

Also cheaters have to start understanding that they're not just betraying a spouse, they're destroying families. End of.

[u/Anomalous_Pearl → u/Blink182YourBedroom]

Simping = not assuming the female is the villain in every situation

[u/sambthemanb → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

You literally pulled half of this out of your ass. Stop simping for op.

[u/Peaches_JD → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

It’s not manipulation when the mom shared facts with her daughter. Fact: daddy cheated with another person who was also still married. The mom didn’t cheat, the dad did.

Even if he did “try” for a year, he didn’t explain. What, did he just send texts? Try and defend himself? Or did he try and shit talk the mom? We don’t know for sure, but from the sounds of his post his “trying” was probably just narcissistic manipulation.

The mom feels guilty because the granddaughter wants a grandfather and maybe telling the truth to her daughter was a bad idea because now her GD doesn’t have one.

Anyone trying to defend this guy is just as much of an AH.

[u/Vaguely-witty → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

Oh you're heated heated. Lmao.

[u/llamalily → u/TheRealAssyMcGee]

The fact that some children have children of their own and therefore should be capable of the same complex reasoning as a fully developed adult (25 years or so) is such a fucking stupid take. What are you, 14?