r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 4d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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u/jedielfninja 4d ago

My buddy is really close with his daughters and i advise him to never betray their mother cuz daughters dont forget when someone makes their mother cry.

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u/The_Vagrant_Knight 4d ago

As a son, I'd say this sentiment is unisex

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u/Cade_Anwar 4d ago

Completely agree. I have a son too. My kids are living proof that I didn’t completely fuck up in this life.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

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u/drthvdrsfthr 4d ago

hmm that doesn’t sound typical, me thinks…

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u/RyukHunter 4d ago

That's just messed up... Sounds like your dad has good reason to bitch about mom.

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u/shinfoni 8h ago

Uggh, I think I accidentally delete my comments.

But yeah, as a child I resent my dad a lot for being a jerk to my mom even though he was (and still is) very caring and kind toward me. Growing up, after some relationship of my own, I've come to understand him.

Honestly I don't get how and why they got together. My dad is a funny, smart, funny, quite handsome man. My mom are none of that. I don't know how I could express this without sounding like an ass, but my mom is so annoyingly ignorant and dumb.

But still, my dad bitching to my mom is one of my core memory and no amount of understanding is enough for me to forgot that

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u/OregonHare6 3d ago

I will definitely never forget seeing my dad cry. He's not the crying type.

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u/Beastly-one 4d ago

As a father of sons and daughters, it feels like sons would be much quicker to take the mother's side. I've done my best to treat my kids equally (with respect to their individual interests), but for some reason the relationship with the girls is closer, while boys tend to be more independent.They never seem to get that way with their mother's though.

Just my personal experience obviously. I have great relationships with all of my kids, but I've definitely noticed some differences.

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u/allnadream 4d ago

The difference for girls is the effect it will have on future relationships and how they view men as a whole. If you're a daughter who grew up idolizing your dad and viewing him as the best kind of guy, the discovery that he betrayed your mom can really knock down your hope for your own future. I mean, if dad (a good guy) can cheat on mom, what hope do you have to find someone who will be faithful to you?

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u/Beastly-one 4d ago

Yeah I totally get that. It's something I would never personally do to my family, but in this hypothetical reality where it did happen, I can't see either of my daughters just writing me out of their lives. It would get rocky for a bit, definitely, but we would recover. My sons though I'm not sure. We've always been pretty close and have never been on bad terms, but they are quick to jump to their mom's defense. My daughters have always been more forgiving to myself and quicker to criticize my wife. None of this behavior has ever been on purpose, I've never encouraged this behavior from my daughters, nor my wife from my sons, and in fact we have both corrected them when this behavior came across as disrespectful.

You are absolutely right though, and no matter how the daughters relationship with their father ends, that thought will always be in the back of their head, and it will change their outlook on life.

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u/allnadream 4d ago

I think the family dynamic you're describing is pretty common and is exactly why these scenarios are often so damaging for daughters, in particular. It's quite common that daughters feel closer to their dads, so the discovery of a betrayal makes them feel like they've been wrong all along about how they judge people. In a scenario like this, the closer you are with them in the beginning, the more likely it is they will never forgive you, in my opinion.

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u/SprayDefiant3761 3d ago

That is why some (really weird) moms prefer sons right? Because sons often like their mom more. On the other hand I also feel that moms sometimes compete with their daughters and raise them more strictly which pushes them away more. In my experience dads allow you to learn through trial and error more and help you out when needed, whereas some moms are more strict and less lenient in letting their daughters try more things.

On the other hand moms often feel like their sons will be able to take care of themselves and give them more freedom while also being quite nurturing, which makes them more attached to their mom. This is just my theory though

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u/ZookeepergameWest773 4d ago

This is just universal though not really specific to a daughter who’s dad cheats, right? I had the same realization when I found out my mom cheated on my dad, very much an “Oh fuck if my mum could cheat on my dad what’s stopping it from happening to me?” Pretty hard thing to understand and accept for any kid who looks up to and loves their parents, no matter which parent cheated.

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u/allnadream 4d ago

Yes, definitely. I mentioned girls above because we were talking about a cheating father, but I could absolutely see a similar struggle for boys who discover their mom cheated.

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u/ZookeepergameWest773 4d ago

That’s kinda my point though, I think it’s not just a similar struggle but pretty much the same one regardless of gender. I don’t know it just seems like any kid could develop trust issues if it wasn’t addressed properly. But I struggle with this a lot myself, so I’m obviously very biased.

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u/utter-ridiculousness 4d ago

Sons don’t forget that shit either

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u/elciddog84 4d ago

Especially sons for their mother. I have a... problematic... relationship with my father to this day as a result

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u/truth_radio 4d ago

Yup I will never ever forget laying in bed staring at my brother in fear and tears, hearing my dad throw my mom into the wall hard enough to create a crater. That won't ever go away.

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u/Ancient-Childhood-47 3d ago

Horrible, and wonder why your mother did not lead But maybe those were Duffy times, and women did not have the same opportunities as they have today. And they took it, and the whole day suffered. We all have bed memory as children ,and our lives. So very sorry for your awful experiences, . Now that I live in the US, years ago, when my father was dying, and my mother said, he was holding on, until I came to visit, ( and forgive him, with that), I just couldn’t go, and found a medical excuse , why I couldn’t. I didn’t shed one tear, when he died, felt only disgust. and relief.

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u/LeCafeClopeCaca 4d ago

Feelings are for lil girly girls DUH /s

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u/tmotytmoty 4d ago

Neither do sons. If someone made my mom cry and would ruin their day.

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u/Mammoth_Slip1499 4d ago

Bloody right!

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u/CerialHawk 4d ago

daughters dont forget when someone makes their mother cry.

the truest thing ive seen in a while

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u/Graybie 4d ago

Might be more true to say 'children' rather than 'daughters'

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u/Ashangu 4d ago

When mom cries, we all cry.

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u/JaneAustinPowers 4d ago

Facts. I will never forgive my father for what he did to my mother. He tries to win me over by transferring hundreds of dollars to my childhood account every month, and has done this for years, but I will never forgive him. I give a percentage of that money to my mom so she can go on a yearly vacation.

It does bum me out that my brothers are cool being Buddy Buddy with him.

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u/BeckyAnn6879 3d ago

daughters dont forget when someone makes their mother cry.

My mommy's been dead 20+ years, and I STILL hold shit against my sisters for making her cry.

MAYBE I can overlook my sisters on my daddy's side; she was only their stepmom and honestly? They thought Mommy was trying to replace their mom. (Spoiler: she wasn't. All of my sisters on my daddy's side were grown adults with kids of their own when Mommy and Daddy got married)

But my other sister and I SHARED Mommy... and this bitch made Mommy cry SO MUCH in the last 5 years of her life.
I still love her because she's my sister... but she can go fuck herself with a fiery red poker.

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u/cyclebreaker1977 3d ago

Kids don’t like when either of their parents make the other hurt or cry. Gender isn’t the factor here, it’s a kids love for their parent.

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u/StarryEyed91 4d ago

Yep, my dad was horrible to my mom and I had a very strained relationship with him and we barely spoke for some time but boy did he turn his life around. I’ve never seen anything like it. I just wish he had been this way my entire life but I’m glad my daughter can have him like this as her grandfather. It’s never too late, OP.

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u/LienaSha 4d ago

Not even when said daughters dislike their mum. I still remember my mom finding my dad's porn collection and crying, and my main thought was "man, if you can't handle this, you do not want to find some of the other stuff he's got hiding." 

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u/Flouncy_Magoos 4d ago

Wow, both you and your father sound like lovely people. I hope your poor mom is happy and peace now.

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u/RyukHunter 4d ago

Bro it's a porn collection, chill...

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u/ItsAnimeDealWithIt 4d ago

wow so empathetic.