My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/Beastly-one]

As a father of sons and daughters, it feels like sons would be much quicker to take the mother's side. I've done my best to treat my kids equally (with respect to their individual interests), but for some reason the relationship with the girls is closer, while boys tend to be more independent.They never seem to get that way with their mother's though.

Just my personal experience obviously. I have great relationships with all of my kids, but I've definitely noticed some differences.

[u/allnadream → u/Beastly-one]

The difference for girls is the effect it will have on future relationships and how they view men as a whole. If you're a daughter who grew up idolizing your dad and viewing him as the best kind of guy, the discovery that he betrayed your mom can really knock down your hope for your own future. I mean, if dad (a good guy) can cheat on mom, what hope do you have to find someone who will be faithful to you?

[u/ZookeepergameWest773 → u/allnadream]

This is just universal though not really specific to a daughter who’s dad cheats, right? I had the same realization when I found out my mom cheated on my dad, very much an “Oh fuck if my mum could cheat on my dad what’s stopping it from happening to me?” Pretty hard thing to understand and accept for any kid who looks up to and loves their parents, no matter which parent cheated.

[u/allnadream → u/ZookeepergameWest773]

Yes, definitely. I mentioned girls above because we were talking about a cheating father, but I could absolutely see a similar struggle for boys who discover their mom cheated.

[u/ZookeepergameWest773 → u/allnadream]

That’s kinda my point though, I think it’s not just a similar struggle but pretty much the same one regardless of gender. I don’t know it just seems like any kid could develop trust issues if it wasn’t addressed properly. But I struggle with this a lot myself, so I’m obviously very biased.