r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 4d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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u/joan868 4d ago

YTA and stop acting like the victim here

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u/BojackTrashMan 4d ago

"I destroyed my daughter's life as she knew it and when she said she didn't want to talk to me (like an angry teenager might) I moved out of state and didn't call her on birthdays or send her a gift on Christmas or go to her high school graduation. I never checked in on her ever again, cementing that I was not only a horrible partner but a horrible father. I can't possibly be the asshole now, can I? Her mom was so mean and the poor sweet woman I was fucking was just a victim just like me."

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u/lifeinwentworth 4d ago

lol yeah trying to justify his affair because the woman he was cheating with was going through some shit. Like you could've still helped her without fucking her, you know?

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u/BojackTrashMan 4d ago

He's also projecting a lot onto his ex-wife when he has no idea what happened to all the years he never bothered to even try to call. "I heard the wife remarried so I really hoped she'd tell my daughter to talk to me" Yeah because this is all the wife's fault. 🙄

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u/EnvironmentalEnd6298 4d ago

My parents divorced as well (cheating wasn’t the reason but it didn’t help) and I didn’t really interact with my dad. I spent years not speaking to him. My mom never disparaged my dad in front of me. However, she was adamant that it was never the responsibility of the child to reach out. If the adult wanted a relationship with the child, the adult must be the adult and reach out to the child.

So OP, yeah, YTA

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 4d ago

My step daughter went through a “I hate you you’re not my mom” phase at 18, I’d been with her dad 2 years ATP, gotten her ready for proms, college tours, dates. We were close. When she said she didn’t want to talk anymore I said “that’s okay, I love you, and when you’re ready I’ll be here”

AND

I checked in with her a couple times a week “I love you hope you’re okay”

It is always on the parent or parent figure to stay in contact. Her mom up and left when she was 14 no warning, so she tends to push people away. I knew what was going on, but I didn’t push, I didn’t try to persuade her. Just made sure she knew I was here

She texted me “can you braid my hair” which has always been our thing (she knows how to braid her hair) still at 23 she comes over for me to do her hair when she needs some “mom time” I got my first Mother’s Day post from her this year and I was over the moon

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u/PaperCraneLove 4d ago

That is such a beautiful story! Thank you so much. Posts like these help me realize there is still good in the world amidst all the negative. 🥰

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

It took a long time to get here. I joked with her the other day “I just treated you like you would a cat, let them come to you” lol and I never treated her like a step kid, she’s the kid I didn’t have to push out which makes her more special

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u/PaperCraneLove 3d ago

The fact that you were willing to wait for her so long is what is so beautiful. My children's father hasn't seen them in a year and is petitioning to give up his rights so he doesn't have to pay child support. My soon to be husband has welcomed my children with open arms and claims them happily. It's just so lovely to read a story of someone actively cultivating that relationship, too.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

It was about 4 months before she stopped the silent treatment. More her own trauma than anything I did. I knew that so I waited. It was important to me that we have a good relationship that way her relationship with her dad wasn’t strained.

Your hubby sounds wonderful! I can’t imagine ever just letting my kids go. Ugly custody battles or not.

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u/PaperCraneLove 3d ago

I can't imagine that either. What's sad is that there was no custody battle. I have always had full custody/conservatorship. He only has visitation and child support. So sad.

I'm glad you were able to see your situation clearly and help her as she needed.

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u/Peewee2011 2d ago

If you’re in CA it’s going to be a tough pill to swallow for your ex when he realizes that in most states the party paying child support cannot petition the court to terminate their rights for the purpose of getting out of their obligation to support the child. It’s up to the parent that has sole custody to ask the court to terminate parental rights. Dude sounds like a POS.

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u/mynameisnotjamie 3d ago

You are such a wonderful and patient parent. I would’ve killed to have a step mom like you in my life. You are everything a child needs and more. Many blessings to you always.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

Awww! Thank you! I tried to be everything my step mom wasn’t lol

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u/ellharrison21xx 3d ago

Pretty similar situation with me and my step dad. My bio dad was physically abusive to me and my mum. A few years after their divorce / his arrest my mum got a new partner and i really struggled with it. I did act totally bratty but as a struggling teenager who’d gone through trauma I didn’t know what to do with my emotions and hated the thought of having a dad again and him telling me what to do as I felt safe just me and my mum. But as time went on it got easier I would have “dad time” with him and when my mum passed away he still stays present in my life. I now call him dad if I say I love you & on birthdays Christmas etc. I also get him Father’s Day cards now & my daughter calls him grandad. It was difficult to get to where we are but he was similar In not pushing it on me and just letting me know he was there and loves me.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

That’s so amazing. My mom also passed when I was young, and my step dad stepped up I went there every weekend and we were really close. It’s hard to let someone in when you have so many walls put up. A lot of therapy, a lot of my own understanding of myself, helped me with my kiddos too.

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u/frp1995 21h ago

Oh man, I don't know why I just teared up at this. Pregnancy hormones! If my kids ever go through a phase of hating me I hope I can react with as much grace and love and patience as you did.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 18h ago

Oh my kids hate me multiple times a day, but they also know I love them no matter how upset they are at me.

My 3 and 7 year old always hear from me “you can be angry with me, that’s okay, I love you most”

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 3d ago

Well, now I’m tearing up and it’s all your fault 🩷

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

Oh no! Don’t cry lol (I cry all the time)

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 3d ago

It was the “can you braid my hair” thing that really got me

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

It’s how I know something’s up with her too. We used to live right beside each other she got the apartment next door, now we are 15 minutes apart. If she says can you do my hair, or can we get coffee I know she needs to talk

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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 3d ago

I’m hugging you both and this is lovely

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u/RedneckDebutante 4d ago

Exactly! I'll never tell my daughter not to talk to her father, but I'm also not cleaning up his mess. He's the one who ignored her for most of her life, while I was always there for her. If he doesn't want to put in the effort, me doing it for him is only going to draw attention to how little he cares. You broke it, only you can fix it.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

My sons dad and I have a messy relationship. Parental alienation on his end. And same way I did with my bonus kid, I just let them. Let them run me down. I was driving myself nuts trying to fix what they were breaking, and just show him who I am and let him decide himself. My dad did that for me, and it helped a lot not hearing “oh your mom did this” “oh your dad said this”

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u/RedneckDebutante 3d ago

Yeah, alienation is horrible parenting. If the other parent is neglectful or whatever, you shouldn't have to pile on to make it apparent. That's a parent not confident in their relationship with their kid. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. That had to be crushing. The truth will usually come out, though. Most kids figure it out eventually.

It's funny that if my daughter and I argue, my husband used to try using that to bond with her. Kind of a "you know she's always overreacting" kind of thing. She shuts that shit down every time lol. He would also try "your daughter's mad at you" to try to use her to get to me, but I would always laugh and say that's ok. I'm 100% confident in the strength of our relationship, and it's OK for us not to always agree. I feel guilty sometimes that I benefitted from his neglect with our close bond, but it was also really hard to do it all alone.

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u/Ready_Suggestion_929 3d ago

My family keeps telling me “it all comes out in the wash” and I had to stop myself from feeling like I have to prove myself to my kid, my other kids 3F and bonus kid 23F are great, our relationship is good, I allow them to be mad at me, but they also know I’m here always. So instead of trying to prove myself to him, or “fact check” like when he came home the one time “you were never there!! Only step mom was” whipping out the photo album, or my favorite “you weren’t at my birthday party” saying “honey i can’t be somewhere I’m not invited .

Just showing him through my actions, I spent my whole life, proving myself to everyone, that I wasn’t a bad kid, or I was good, and I got to a spot in adult life where I knew I only had to prove it to me, and then when they’re actively attacking your character it’s hard to not be like “NOT AH!”

My dad was the alienated parent, not by my mom, but after she passed by my aunt. Who is a raging narcissist, and I didn’t speak to him for 7 years, but I called him when I started dating my hubby, and I needed help, he was there instantly. When I Started asking questions he showed me his 5 file boxes of him not giving up.

So I’m doing that for little dude, just putting everything in a special spot for when he does start asking questions.

It makes my heart heavy, thinking about how his little brain is probably so conflicted.

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u/RedneckDebutante 3d ago

That's so awful. You're doing a good thing, a good thing that demonstrates how much you love him. You're a better person than I am. I really, really hope it works out for you, and I'm glad you have the other two.

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u/miax_fa 4d ago

I totally agree with that the adult should reach out to the child. My father tho... he blamed US that why don't WE ever reach out to him. While me and my sister were kids. We are now in our early 20s and he still does this, always guilt trip us (me at least) that we never ask how is he. Then he complains that he doesn't know anything about us. Like no shit ? He left when my sister was a few months old and I almost 3, and I remember that we only met him for 1-2 days in every few months, so our bond was almost non existent.

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u/27291thrwwy 3d ago

yup a huge reason i mostly cut off my relationship with my father was because of all the shit he talked about my mother. my mother never had a bad word to say about him and still buys him christmas/father’s day/birthday gifts “from the kids” every year. he’s never done anything like that even when they were together. kids aren’t stupid and they can’t be entirely brainwashed as easily as these missing missing reasons parents think.

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u/Ancient-Childhood-47 3d ago

He is a looser, I would certainly not care to keep in touch with him. What a bastard!

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u/27291thrwwy 3d ago

i still talk to him occasionally, it’s still an icey relationship, but im the only one of his kids that will even give him the time of day. i don’t share too much of my life with him or anything, when i told him about my australian boyfriend not too long later he says “i think it’s time you find a nice local boy” and tried to set me up with his coworker. it’s become an inside joke with me and my bf. but yeah he doesn’t seem to get that he was never really a parental figure in my life but he still tries to interject with what he thinks i aught to do so i barely talk to him nowadays.

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u/Betelguese90 4d ago

same thing with my dad and I. He would randomly reach out when I was growing up. Never really knew him until I was in my pre-teens. When the kid has to be the one to make a relationship work, its going to fail in the end. So eventually I gave up since it was let down after let down. Fast forward 15 or so years and he now wonders why I don't care to have a meaningful relationship with him nor go out of my way to contact him.

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u/Squee_gobbo 4d ago

There is a difference between an adult reaching out after a divorce and a person being told they’re on no contact terms. He’s definitely the asshole and could’ve not been petty about her reaching out again, but I don’t think anyone should reach out after being told to stay out of another person’s life as someone who wants some people to stay out of my life tbh

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u/kierseydivine 4d ago

She was 16 when she said that, tho. Not sure this applies in actual context to this situation. A teenager is not an adult. There are very few things as a teen I can confidently say now at 34 I still stand by. And he isn’t “anyone,” he’s her father and his actions fucked up her life. This isn’t a friend who cut him out of her life, it’s his child. Sorry no, the daughter did nothing wrong here, other than making the mistake of reaching out to such a horrid wretch of a person.

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u/Squee_gobbo 4d ago edited 4d ago

I didn’t say the daughter did anything wrong though. I just don’t think disrespecting boundaries is the way to go. Really, the situation already worked itself out. A 16 year old did something they might regret and then decided to reach out for a relationship when she was ready. That is the way it should go, he’s just too petty to get what he wanted then

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u/Double-Judgment9735 3d ago

This is exactly why me and my father are estranged. He had an absent father and he thinks as long as he didn't abandon his responsibility for us like his dad did he was a good dad when actually that's the bare minimum. It almost seemed like he wanted a reward for paying child support and spending time with us. We would ask for pocket money to go skating or the fair and he would claim that's what child support was for. When we didn't want to spend time with him or told him that he wasn't being a good dad he'd say he's paying our bills and that we should be grateful.

When his mother and him were talking about how he was a dead beat they said it was his dad's fault because it's not the kids responsibility to reach out. All of a sudden when we stop reaching out for our own reasons we're terrible and we've abandoned our father.

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u/Glennn_coco 3d ago

I completely cut my dad out of my life for almost 5 years. Then we kinda started talking until some other things happened within the past 4 years we actually have a good relationship. He knows he fucked up. Every now and then I catch the old him but he quickly corrects it. He’s learning treating me that way doesn’t work and he knows damn good and well I will cut him out of my life again and not bat an eye if he’s going to be the person he was. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I agree with your mom it’s not our responsibility to have the relationship with the parent when we are kids. It’s theirs.

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u/HereIGoAgain_1x10 4d ago

Wow good catch. Dude has the emotional fortitude of a preschooler. Got his feelings hurt by a devastated 15 year old and gave his own daughter the silent treatment lol he was looking for a way out of responsibility way before he cheated and divorced.

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u/lifeinwentworth 4d ago

You're right lol. Missed that first time reading but yep! Very woe is me from a guy who had a huge hand in the whole situation.

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u/RunaroundX 4d ago

Not only that, but he was hoping the daughter would reach out, but then when she finally does, he's like "lol nope"

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u/Equal_Maintenance870 4d ago

He’s mad she didn’t sooner so he had to wait this long to hurt her again.

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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 4d ago

Completely blames his ex like his then teen is a little toddler who was poisoned against him and not a teen who has eyes and ears and could see plain as day what her father was doing to her mom and her and how he dipped.

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u/sharshenka 4d ago

And was witness to whatever "ups snd downs" were happening before the affair too.

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u/Character-Today-427 4d ago

It speaks miles of what he thinks of woman he believes his wife would pardon him now that she married someone else. Like his wife only existed to be attached to a man at a time

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u/BojackTrashMan 4d ago

Yeah she existed to be attached to a man and also she was fully in charge of the daughter's feelings and his cheating did not actually play a role in how the daughter felt it was just how the mother wanted her to feel

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u/notcompatible 4d ago

And then when she finally does tell the daughter to talk to him he basically tells her to fuck off

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u/Appropriate-Cycle-31 4d ago

So? He’s moved on and doesn’t want any of that in his life anymore. He’s come to terms with his past and recognises his future for what it is.

In the past YTA but for what he did after his daughter reached out NTA. He probably shouldn’t have even taken her phone call.

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u/Useful-Ingenuity-264 4d ago

Still expecting his ex to do his emotional labor. 🙄

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u/TifaYuhara 3d ago

It's clearly his wife's fault that he cheated on her. /s

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u/kacyz28 4d ago

Eventually she did ask her daughter to reconnect and here we are. It may have taken longer than he wanted but he got what he wanted to happen and just flushed it away. Sounds like everyone in this story is better off without him.

OP if you are reading this, what your ex wife did was wrong and she's an AH also for this but, yes you're the AH for cheating, for taking advantage of the coworker in an abusive relationship and for telling your daughter you don't care about her or your granddaughter. It's too late now you can't take that back so don't contact them when you realize you're incapable of taking care of yourself and you don't want to die alone.

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u/doodwheresmyprinter 3d ago

To be fair the wife did immediately poison the 15 year olds mind against him. He's definitely the AH for cheating and for telling his daughter he doesn't care about her or his grandchildren and for giving up so easy, probably a lot of other things too but if my wife cheated on me my kids would get the bare minimum information, and I definitely wouldn't be telling them while I'm still upset. Of course if the ex wife is the one who drove the majority of the wedge between them he would hope that she could help repair it. She couldn't, but not everyone thinks straight about everything

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u/Altruistic-Belt7048 2d ago

He expected his ex to still be thinking about him even after hearing news that she remarried aka MOVED THE FUCK ON lmao

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u/XanniPhantomm 4d ago

Not her fault, but he does sort of say that she encouraged or even forced the rift, seeing as she felt guilty after all these years

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u/rattatattkat 4d ago

Yeah and it’s like????? You heard this and WANTED your daughter to do it even though you had already moved on?????? And then she finally does and you do THIS?! like ? It’s like you WANT to hurt them.

You as in OP. None of this was your daughter’s fault and you continue to make it so as if you’re the actual root victim to this nonsense. You and your ex need to re think what the actual fuck being a parent means.

You have never once took a walk in her shoes now it seems to me. Go f yourself OP. You literally answered your own question the minute you started to have an affair. Your daughter had not ONE thing to do with that and she got ALL the repercussions for it. You know how hard it is growing up as a teen with divorced parents let alone parents that don’t think twice about their actions and words and how they affect the teen? I grew up like this and I can tell you one thing- you are right to stay away from your daughter because that’s what you chose when you chose to have an affair. And you continue to choose to lose her. So good. I’m glad she no longer has you in her life. How dare you say you don’t care as if it wasn’t already hard as is for her to reach out? She probably already felt guilty, scared, shameful, etc. you have no right to tear down all that she has probably been through and worked through (hopefully she got therapy,) for something YOU caused. OP you seriously need a reality check.