You should have split as soon as YOU cheated if not before. The relationship is obviously unstable and unhealthy if one is cheating and the other cheats as a form of revenge. You two do need to divorce from the sound of things. This is all around a crappy situation
This has happened to me. I still think about it sometimes and internalized it because someone tried to tell me it wasn’t assault and I was just overreacting. It’s horrible
If people could feel it in the moment we would never hear about “broken condom babies” because they’d be able to feel it and say “let’s get a new condom”. It’s harder to tell than people think. It doesn’t come from experience or anything, these people just suck and violate trust.
She was sexually assaulted and it’s horrible that happened to her, if it’s true she should report the man to the police and get medical treatment.
Seperately she also cheated on OP and the assault doesnt change that. She didn’t consent to sex without a condom but she did consent to sex with another man with a condom. If the scenario had played out as she consented she still would’ve been having sex with another man.
ESH - (her judgment has nothing to do with her being assaulted and it doesn’t mean she deserved to be assaulted in anyway).
In many states the husband automatically gets put on the birth certificate when they are married and it’s a huge pain in the ass to get it changed and not pay support, even after proving you are not the bio father. Dude needs to split asap unless he wants to get stuck.
It's probably the most obvious example of men being taken advantage of when it comes to reproductive rights. The dude had a vasectomy and is unable to get someone pregnant and still could be forced to be the father of wife's AP child. An expensive lifetime commitment forced on him.
Men and women should equally be able to choose not to have a child.
A woman should be able to get an abortion if she wants.
A man should be able to just walk away if he doesn't want to have a child. The woman can still have it or not, her choice, but if so, she's choosing to go it alone.
Ding ding ding. People assume men having reproductive rights means they can have a say in the abortion. No, a man should be able to walk away without being fiscally responsible. It's the only way to ensure equal treatment under the law as required by the US Constitution.
I'm a "pussy" because I believe men should be able to say they don't want the baby just as much as women? I'm simply advocating for equal treatment under the law.
As a functioning adult, it’s possible to point out that most of the world is built to support the patriarchy while also pointing out that some things are really fucked up in the opposite direction. Both things can be true. Pretending everything is either one way or the other is how you perpetuate a fucked up world.
The child rights/child support system in the US is incredibly fucked up and favors women/mothers in inarguable ways.
Depending on what state OP is in, it might not matter how quickly he "splits," as some states will not finalize a divorce if the wife is pregnant. You can file, but it won’t get signed off on until after the baby is born and the paternity of the child has been determined.
I don’t know what state OP is in, but statistically speaking, the odds are pretty good that he’s in one of those states—the 3 most populous states in the US (CA, TX, FL) are among those who won’t grant a divorce until after the child is born.
Likely TX by the population odds, as they live in a "conservative state where abortion is banned". Not sure about the laws in FL, but CA definitely isn't conservative.
Ooh good catch on the conservative state part. So yeah, either Texas or Florida—they just recently passed a "heartbeat" law that effectively bans abortions at 6 weeks before most women even know they’re pregnant.
Err hang on a moment, in the throes of passion the condom was removed or fell off, how is that sexual assault or rape ?
She was also a willing participant.
Why is everyone assuming the guy forcibly fucked this woman ?
Deliberately removing or tampering with a condom before/during sex without the other person’s consent is known as ‘stealthing’ and many jurisdictions have recently made it illegal as a form of sexual assault, including several US states.
The condom accidentally falling off, breaking or removing it with consent are different situations that would not be assault.
Nobody is suggesting he forcibly had sex with her, what’s alleged is that he had unprotected sex with her without her consent.
There’s countless scenarios one could speculate on where it could legitimately happen without her noticing. E.g. tearing the condom, sex from behind, lights turned off, she was really drunk, etc. It definitely happens and that’s why it’s been legislated against.
It’s also not impossible that she’s invented this story to her husband to justify the baby.
Ultimately though reddit will never know and it’s pointless to speculate. It doesn’t change the verdict or OP’s situation in any way.
I personally found sex to be an awful (unpleasant and painful) experience with a condom, so I'm not sure why she didn't stop him as soon as she realized he had taken it off. There's no evidence that she asked him to stop, correct? I think he said they have four kids, so maybe she didn't think she was able to get pregnant anymore?
Also, why not take the morning after pill, since there's no way she wouldn't have known the condom was either removed or had broken? That would have at least resolved this issue, then they could have just had a "simple" divorce. Not that any divorce is simple.
Saying the condom was taken off absolutely makes her look like the victim since most people are calling her AP a rapist. Clearly things have changed since my child rearing age/stage, as I've never heard of this law until this post. Can anyone tell me approximately when this became law? I also wonder if whether there ever was a condom???
There's so much to unwrap in his posts that it's head spinning. I feel so sad for their four existing children. All of this will come to light in their divorce, and these kids don't have even one parent that shines in a positive light.
Couldn’t agree more @ ElusiveLynx86 people are demonising the guy without us randoms knowing the real story, sounds/ reads like there was no condom in the first place..
Never knew condoms could be painful though, that’s a new one ?
Demonizing a person who literally doesn't even know they're being discussed at all makes it easy for people to make assumptions and accusations. It's 100% wrong to call someone a rapist, abuser, alcoholic, etc when we do not have any of their side of the story. We only have the OP who is saying she said he did such and such. This is even less reliable than if the wife was airing her version of the events. We all know there's three sides to every story. But it certainly makes it convenient for people to decide guilt, and make a person out to be scum, doesn't it?!?
If he did indeed remove/lose the condom during sex, we don't know if she did or did not consent, it actually wasn't on properly and just came off, they were in the throws of passion and threw out all common sense (which I know I've done because it makes things seem more adventurous at the time) or maybe it was even planned or discussed. The two people who know the truth in that matter aren't here to add their side of the story.
Either way, every woman knows when a man has deposited his seed inside of her. In one case, she is only cleaning her fluids post sexual relations. In the other, there's a constant stream of fluid spilling out. I apologize if my details makes anyone uncomfortable, but there's no point in beating around the bush. Truly NO pun was intended there. 😂😂
In any case, the day after pill should have been used if it was only to be revenge sex and no child was actually desired by either party. Everyone who was aware the affair had happened was responsible for that, in my opinion.
Regarding the rest of what you wrote, I think it depends on the sensitivity of the female, and in my case I had severe endometriosis. At 26 when I had a laparoscopy, they told me I was six months away from needing a full hysterectomy. So whether sex, especially with condoms, tampons or anything else was inserted, it was not enjoyable for me. The sensitivity level did seem to depend on how close I was to ovulation.
Even after my surgery, with only scar tissue remaining, any true pressure could be felt. I'm not sure all women have this level of acuity, but in hearing friends talk during kiss and tell sessions, the vast majority of my friends claimed sex wasn't as enjoyable with condoms. There was always the rare friend who said sex was enhanced. It's been forty years, so I unfortunately don't remember the exacts of the conversations.
I agree on no condom being used, and that was just my gut feeling and my interpretation, so take that opinion with a grain of salt.
They're cheaters, so who says she isn't lying about the whole condom thing? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Sounds to me like she fucked up and is trying to find a way to avoid responsibility and pass the blame off on the guy she fucked. A guy who may or may not have known she was even married.
I just feel bad for the child that has to grown up in this fucked up world being raised by either one of these people.
I never denied this. I just stated that she was the victim of a crime, which a lot of people are angry about in my replies and are denying. I never denied she cheated or that she was wrong to cheat to begin with.
ESH - (her judgment has nothing to do with her being assaulted and it doesn’t mean she deserved to be assaulted in anyway).
WTF does ESH mean? Why is everything abbreviated? I got enough acronyms in the Navy. There is no room in my brain for any more! Just say wtf you mean! Jeebus!
She is the person who would/will be burdened. She is a lot less likely to prioritize hurting her husband over protecting herself against being impregnated and/or contracting an STD, some of which are life-altering.
People typically make more sense than villainizing hypotheses conclude
Edit 1: clarity
Edit 2 to add:
Were I in her position, my motive to cheat would be reasonable to call revenge sex, but the real goal would be to take my power back. By cheating, OP created a power dynamic in his marriage. It makes perfect sense to me that she’d want to return the dynamic to what it was before he cheated by cheating.
I’m not condoning revenge cheating. If it were me, I would directly communicate with my husband about my intention and my reasoning. But I don’t think the desire to take her power back unreasonable.
She's already prioritized hurting her husband by revenge cheating. Also the fact she's willing to keep the baby despite his wishes furthers my original statement. We can only speculate someone's feelings/motives during a revenge fuck but the results are clear. She should have divorced him after he cheated if she was really worried about std's or being impregnated during a revenge romp.
Exactly! So now we trust strangers to be honest when we screw them. wtf! The condom is irrelevant. The condom could have broken, and the consequences could be the same. When we consent to sex we are consenting to the consequences! Getting knocked up is hers. Her revenge screw got her screwed..literally!
Oh shut up. Consenting to sex is NOT consenting to getting pregnant.
And yes, we should be able to "trust strangers to be honest when we screw them." Obviously, that’s not realistic because people are shitty, but anyone with a decent bone in their body should be trustworthy during sex, stranger or not.
But for...as in but for his actions, she wouldn't have cheated and wouldn't have been assaulted. So, he cheated...everything after that is on him. He's OK for her to forgive him. What's good for goose is good for gander.
That's why its ESH and not that she's solely an asshole.
He's unequivocally an asshole for cheating, and she would've been justified to leave him for it. By choosing not to leave she's choosing to remain in a monogamous relationship with him and is also an asshole for cheating after doing that.
They both cheated and they're both assholes for doing so.
That's ridiculous. She should have bailed when she found out he cheated. She went full dork and decided to cheat as some stupid revenge with a dirtbag and now is out of the relationship anyways with a child on the way. His cheating did not force her to cheat.
Lol. Remember, she’s a cheater as well. Why should I believe she was “stealthed”? The only reason he knows she cheated is because she became pregnant and it couldn’t be his. I think she just let herself get raw dogged out of anger, and these are the consequences. Cheaters are liars, and she cheated too. Her word means shit.
They BOTH cheated! One cheated as revenge for the other cheating. This relationship was fúcked up WAY BEFORE you threw the baby in the mix. You’re both the asshôles!!
Not sure why the fuck people are putting words in my mouth about whether or not she cheated. She absolutely did. Doesn't erase the fact that she's the victim of a crime right now.
I'm not sure how it is in the US, but here in the UK, we have rape-by-deception laws.
Without going into excessive detail, it boils down to where consent is given, but in a way where it is explicitly contingent on something / a reasonable person would believe it was implicitly contingent on something and the rapist lies or otherwise deceives the person about it.
If someone requests that you use a condom, or you start with a condom, then any reasonable person would assume that consent was only valid on the basis of using protection.
The cheating and rape were two separate events. She cheated when she agreed to sex with another person. The rape happened when her consent was invalidated by him removing the agreed upon protection.
OP should go get a divorce (if you're at the point where you're taking it in turns cheating, then either you want to open up the relationship or give up on it). OP's soon to be ex should report the fact she was raped.
I'm more replying to the person above you saying that people are denying she cheated, which I did NOT do. Sorry for the confusion, you and I are in agreement and I had no problem with your reply.
Because her being a victim of a crime isn't relevant to the question being asked.
It's like if I made a post asking whether I should divorce my wife after she cheated on me, then you chiming in and saying "yeah but she got robbed and assaulted on the way home"
Yeah it sucks that happened but it isn't relevant to the situation.
Popped in to say this as well, and I'm surprised it took me as long to find it as I did. I'm still ESH but this needs to be said more
ETA what I saw in another comment, her vote being ESH for me has nothing at all to do with her being assaulted and the assault isn't her fault despite her cheating
She said the guy took off the condom without her consent. What would the guy say if questioned by the police?. He would either say she told him she consented for him to remove it. Or she never said anything about using a condom during sex. It’s a he said, she said situation.
So she says he took the condom off did she still have the condom to prove that he had it on at all? Sorry to distrust an unreliable source but a cheater is a liar period she cheated on him probably raw dogged him then comes to husband and say “i fucked him cause i was mad but he took the condom off mid stroke and got me pregnant”
Whilst it would damn her it could cover her ass at the same time. Granted not cheating on her husband would have been better security of not getting pregnant
Yeah I don't believe that at all either. They both suck but in my experience only two girls ever made me use a condom so less than 10 percent. One was a highschool gf whom I took her virginity without but after we did until she got on the pill then we never did. The rest never even mentioned it. A few mentioned being on birth control. They all let me raw dog it and never even said to pull out which I always did anyways. A few I know had partners and a few more I think may have but idk. Yeah it's all dumb but her being pissed and cheating for revenge totally did happen without her even asking for a condom. Theyre both crap people.
How many kids do you have and how many of your kids have been aborted? That's crazy to just not bother with condoms or checking into birth control use first. There are soooo many STDs p6ut there.
I’d abort the person who aborted my child so thankfully none i do have a beautiful daughter and her mother and i will teach her the right way to behave when it comes time to have that talk with her. Granted she won’t listen as is the stigma of all children but we’ll at least impart the knowledge and she will know if she does try to pull some bullshit i at least will disown her. I don’t want to have any dishonest children. But that is a hopefully never problem where that solution has to be brought in to play. There’s an old saying plan for the worst and pray for the best. You plan for the worst so that you are prepared but you pray the worst never comes around so the plan is never put into play.
Uh but much more likely is the proven liar is lying to make herself less responsible for some disgusting behavior that resulted in serious consequences
I am asking theese questions genuinely.
If she didn't say anything and she continued the act afterward. (She says he took it off halfway)
Would you still call this sexual assault
If someone asked the man I wonder if the story would be the same.
Also this is what she's telling her husband after getting pregnant through an affair. I imaging if he got someone else pregnant he'd be saying the condom must have broken. The people in this mess are all immature people I don't think they should stay married but I'm not sure anyone needs to go to prison
Saying sexual assault is a serious accusation. I'm not saying it didn't happen. I'm just hesitant to call this guy a rapist. When we don't even know if there was a condom in the house while they were having sex let alone one on his penis
It may be rape but that doesnt excuse her behaviors. there's a saying: once a cheater, always a cheater. She could might as well be framing the child and using it to get him to stay with her.
all im saying is we dont know the full context. we only know from the husband's pov. it might as well can be manipulated to draw attention. i dont know why people are sympathizing with the woman. she shouldnt be "revenge cheating" in the first place. she couldve communicated with her husband, who is equally disgusting. why would you do something you know you dont like to the other consciously?
c’mon bro… Stealthed? they are both cheating sacks. More likely she was getting raw dogged and loved every second of it. Suddenly the consequences show up and it’s the easiest excuse. This entire thing is ridiculous.
It's not uncommon here (Eastern US). I'm a therapist and I've heard this story from humiliated women many times. Sometimes they pull it down little by little, until it falls off inside the girl. Only for her to discover once they are gone. And no, we can't feel that.
Sorry just asked several adult human females with vaginas and they all said they could feel if a condom was inside them.
Go ahead and downvoted me though, I know this day and age you can't not trust any women ever nor remove any blame from a man and place it on a woman regardless of how much it is deserved.
This woman cheated. Lied. I'm the bad guy for pointing it out though huh?
I might be wrong but I can't see confirmation that it either was or wasn't consented to, only that he took it off midway through. Best you could say is she might have been assaulted
How do you know it wasn't without her consent or that they even used a condom in the first place? He didn't say she was sexually assaulted. He said that she said "he took the condom off half way". That doesn't mean she was SA'd. They could have both agreed to it just as they both agreed to have sex in the first place. It's just as likely she told him to take it off.
She only confessed after trying to hide what she did and getting pregnant and being exposed. Why wouldn't she lie further in this confession? How about being responsible and not sleeping with someone else in the first and completely avoiding being SA'd? It's now her word vs the other guys on top of everything else.
She's just as untrustworthy as he is for cheating. They should divorce and leave behind this toxic relationship. I feel bad for the child who is the real victim. Let her go be with that child's father.
on your point 2, so many women are unappreciative of their own rights. i can not fathom the idea of women restricting their own rights. it's not a matter of IF you have to go through it, it's a matter of WHEN. I'm a female in college and seeing women be manipulated by media, religion, and politics disgusts me. we were supposed to be smarter.
I am concerned to the point where I don't want to date anyone. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore.
edit: also would like to add social media causing so many people to be close-minded and only think for themselves. out of hand.
Asking out of curiosity. Is it really that common that every sexually active women will eventually have to consider an abortion? I grew up in a similar community to OP where these things are not discussed freely.
I mean, I am currently pregnant with a planned for and wanted baby, but if the genetic testing comes back positive for Down syndrome, I'll likely terminate the pregnancy.
1) I don't want to bring someone into this world who will be dependent on others for the most basic things to survive.
2) I'm not prepared to quit my job and care for someone with those kinds of needs 24/7
3) I have T1 diabetes and just keeping myself alive every day is such a struggle. It's extremely important to me to bring a healthy baby into this world.
So I am extremely grateful I live somewhere where this is a choice available to me.
Not to say you're wrong about aborting, but many people with downs are fully independent and many more largely are with minor assistance with more complex things.
edit: as someone with digeoge syndrome from birth, i can say i am not at all independent. slowly getting there and shit takes more effort than u'd think. world isnt nice to us.
Its a spectrum, but it comes with fairly common issues, its more likely they will not be fully independent.
My uncle with Downs died before 10 due to issues with it
My Aunt lived until her 60s, but the last years of her life were horrible from Alzheimers, and she was never more independent than a 12 year old.
My boss's son cannot feed himself and needs constant supervision.
It was one of the main reasons I didn't want kids when I was younger. Now I realise that in general I am too selfish to be a good parent, and seeing how selfless you had to be to be a parent with Downs children just showed it more obviously to an outsider. Every kid requires a lot of work, those with disabilities are the same and sometimes lifelong.
I just wanted to add, since you said it's not talked about where you live. There are many other reasons for abortion besides just down syndrome.
There are ectopic pregnancies, where the embryo implants in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus. This will kill both the mother and child without an abortion.
There are documented cases in states with bans of mothers being forced to bring non-viable babies to tearm and give birth, which just so traumtic and heartless. Examples include babies that developed without functioning hearts, lungs or brains and only live a few minutes after birth.
Sometimes, the baby dies in the womb, but her body is unable to remove it on its own, so they need an abortion to remove the dead baby. There are documented cases in states with abortion bans where the doctors refuse to remove the corpse for fear of going to jail, and the woman ends up getting sepsis and nearly dying due to having a rotting corpse inside of her. they'll only do anything when the mother gets "sick enough" because the medical term for a miscarriage is "spontaneous abortion" so doctors don't know where the line is in the law.
Something they don't tell anyone, even where I live with comprehensive sex ed, but a miscarriage is extremely common. At least 25% of pregnancies, but they think up to 50% due to unreported pregnancy/miscarriage. Some women in states with abortion bans are getting charged with murder for having a miscarriage. And believe me a miscarriage is traumatic enough on its own without jail. I legit thought I might die when it happened to me.
Then, there are the commonly stated reasons of rape and incest, but even without those and planned pregnancies like mine, there are lots of reasons a woman might need one. Turns out growing a whole human is complicated, and a lot can go wrong.
Yes. Abortion should be considered. Birth pills and condoms are not 100% effective. They are NOT like bullet-proof vests, contrary to popular un-educated beliefs. Our periods can make it worse too. Sometimes it's also not the right time to have children and you can change your mind. Like, if you just got a new job you really want to do for example. I would never put my future partner through that stress and I expect the same respect back.
i also must stress that if a woman says "no", no means no. "stop" means stop. if you didnt bother asking the woman for consent even if she gave in, that should be considered rape. if you dont want to go through that, please do not put others through it. this is such a simple basic logic. cheating goes through the same logic.
If you mean induced abortion, that's a highly dubious claim. Under 10 % of women in my highly liberal country with easy-access-to-abortion and free, universal health care and no stigma surrounding abortions, get an abortion in their lifetime. Please back up your claim with a reliable source.
If you don't mean induced abortion, the numbers are meaningless. Roughly half of zygotes are discarded. Countless natural abortions take place in the embryonic stage without the woman ever knowing. It doesn't mean anything at all.
There are more reasons than just “oops I got pregnant and now need an abortion” to need an abortion. People can get pregnant as a result of rape. They may not financially be able to care for a child or for prenatal care. They may be in an abusive or otherwise dangerous situation. They can have life threatening reactions to the pregnancy. The fetus can have so many complications that some of the pregnancy books i read while pregnant would just throw a few in at the end of each chapter. The fetus can fail to thrive in the womb, at which point you have dead tissue inside of you that will eventually become septic and kill you. You can have a fetus that will likely only live a short (hours, days or months) expensive and painful existence before dying and some parents don’t want to put their children through that sort of life. They can have preexisting conditions that make pregnancy dangerous (for instance, my mom’s cancer was fed by her last pregnancy, making it way more complicated than it was before). Any miscarriage that requires medical intervention is an abortion. An ectopic pregnancy (embryo is implanted outside of the womb) requires and abortion and is a guaranteed death otherwise. People generally hide how ugly pregnancy and birth is until you’re actually pregnant and then you get the stories of people’s broken bones and hemorrhages and c-sections without anaesthesia and husband stitches and hg so bad it hospitalized them and loss of bone density to the point that their teeth fell out and being allergic to the fetus and having to be hospitalized because of it and the horrific damage it can do to joints and muscle groups in the core, but really it needs to be common knowledge so people stop acting like pregnancy is no big deal
I feel the opposite… Social media, 100% pushes and ENCOURAGES abortion
This is what I have seen with my own eyes since I was a preteen. You said something about people forming their own beliefs… yeah, that was something that was discouraged the entire time I was growing up.
I grew up in the “deleteus fetus” generation. And they legitimately think it’s funny.
I’m not trying to push my experience on you I just wanted to share.
Well, you felt like it wasn’t allowed… I was taught that it’s the only option !!!
Getting a procedure like that done is a decision that should not be made lightly.
It is a very difficult decision that someone should make when they’re in sound mind.
And we need to encourage women to stop getting in that position to begin with.
I understand. Accidents happen. But people are told it’s OK to be reckless. It’s OK to get multiple abortions, just because you are sexually irresponsible
I used to hear people say what I just said, and I thought that they were stupid. But I was the one who was stupid. I was the one who saw no value in human life.
Please understand… by desensitizing a WHOLE generation like this- HAS CONSEQUENCES!!!
We have encouraged a soulless generation.
"100% pushes and encourages" as if the thread you are on right now does not count as social media. read. 🙄 stop being ignorant and maybe people will like you for once.
i advise you to reread OP's post and see if they encourage abortion. you are not stupid. you are dumb. nicest way i can put it.
(also you mention WE need to stop getting ourselves into that position. like we wanted to)
hardest way i can put it: you are a narcissistic and should seek help. growing up with narcissistic- i can tell who is one, serious or unserious, right off the bat. how? you base your proof on your own feelings. your first sentence. not reality. you say it to make yourself feel better even in this seriousness, when others are clearly suffering. and you pin the fault on the victims. correct me if i took it the wrong way.
edit: it could also just be plain ignorance. those things are hard to tell apart.
Yes, and it shouldn't be considered a baby until birth, as there is always the possibility of the pregnancy bringing complications, potentially killing both individuals.
Yep. "My wife and I both cheated on each other and take revenge on each other when we are slighted. Anyway, we are in exactly the situation that we have been scolding all the degenerates for being in and now we don't know what to do!"
ESH. This is the situation they feel is perfectly fine to force on every other woman with an unwanted pregnancy, so spare me the tears
In some states, like WI, only the husband can be on the birth certificate. The bio dad can be but needs to fill out a notorized VPA before being able to be put on the birth certificate. What’s worse is, if the husband isn’t the father, doesn’t matter. Obv can fight it but shitty to be even out in that situation.
That’s a good point. Didn’t think about that. So they rather give the shaft to the wrong person than so the state can avoid paying. Agreed about dna paternity results being much quicker these days.
Who knows? Anyways, DNA tests aren't expensive and you pretty much, at this stage, contest the paternity and when the DNA test comes back, that's the end of the road on that one.
100%. Shoot they do so much testing at the hospital once the kid is born, what’s a paternity test to add to it. Used to be able to do the VPA at the hospital too but since Covid, notaries don’t go to the historical as much.
Rape is nonconsensual penetration. I’d argue that “assault” is, although a blanket term for pretty much any sexual violation, a less informative statement and connotes physical injury in addition to the dehumanization of rape. (Though it’s not difficult to argue the pregnancy counts as a physical injury.)
I’ve suffered statutory rape (coerced, not forced), for example. On another occasion, a man told me after we had sex that he had pretended to be a very different person all day to gain my trust and because he looked forward to the disoriented look on my face—I suffered a few hours of derealization that week.
Being treated as subhuman with penetration by a disturbingly predatory nonperson is a very serious trauma. No need for a gun to the head for it to be rape.
Well I tried. As a member of a few marginalized groups, a person targeted by multiple predatory people over my four decades alive including physically violent rape (caused a pregnancy), and a person who has studied trauma and its consequences for 13 years, I don’t have patience for minimizing rape. Coerced and otherwise nonconsensual penetration are not whatsoever analogous to a hit, especially if what you call rape is analogous to a murder. Our brains respond to trauma as a death threat regardless of whether the literal threat of death is included because we evolved in circumstances with certain interpersonal circumstances being a direct threat to survival. Physical injuries (usually) heal—it is almost always the psychological trauma that ruins lives. Also, the act of violating someone by penetrating them is a hostile act.
If you must tell me you still disagree, okay, but please do not make more arguments about this. I’m not confused about how you perceive this and reading more of the same is just super unpleasant.
Oh of course. I can’t stand the idea of not speaking up when we are casually gaslighted, be it ignorance or otherwise. If only people had done that for me/everyone before we had to heal surrounded by dismissive, contemptuous, you-seem-crazy people.
Speaking up has serious consequences, socially and otherwise interpersonal. But I do it because to do otherwise is to teach myself that I don’t matter and that future victims don’t matter. No way Jose
I'm pretty sure that asking someone to use a condom is message for the entire experience. Not just a "I only have to wear it until you get started, right?"
NO ONE actually consents to someone removing a condom halfway through sex, and if they did, it was after an actual conversation, not a "Imma just gonna do this and if you don't say anything it must mean it's fine!"
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u/yourgirlangela 4d ago
ESH
You should have split as soon as YOU cheated if not before. The relationship is obviously unstable and unhealthy if one is cheating and the other cheats as a form of revenge. You two do need to divorce from the sound of things. This is all around a crappy situation