r/BreakUps • u/[deleted] • 2d ago
I broke up and blindsided my ex of 3 years, and then regretted ending it and tried to win her back. AMA
[deleted]
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u/SorbetInside1713 2d ago
This is what I'm hoping my ex would do. Reading posts like this is like reading alternate universe plots.
3 years and dumped me blindsided.
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u/Bubbly_Sleep9312 2d ago
Unfortunately they regret it when it's too late sometimes
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u/ControversialCo 2d ago
He only regrets it because he orbited back around a year later and she didn’t give him the time of day. That really set him in a panic. Had she responded and been warm and receiving, he would have kept on moving.
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u/Temporary_Economics8 2d ago
omg…. srsly? because i’m dealing with a very avoidant partner that keeps me FULL time in alert mode, always threatening to leave, break up, and I get so scared and distressed for days, I think it changed something at my core, now i can barely regulate emotions.
He knows i love him and forgive absolutely anything he does, I’m just asking for a good interval of time having someone to trust and rely on, a partner. And every time i attempt to raise any issue, even if he does something recognizably awful, an hour later the fault is mine somehow.
I’m just so… exhausted… how did it all became this
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u/agtg_art 1d ago
I feel youuu🥲. On my case which had similar Situation as yours, I should change my approach when it comes to communicating style that was catered to his attachment style. Mostly Soft on the person ,Hard on the problem, avoid completely blaming. It's tricky around avoidants, it's exhausting because I had a hard time figuring out how until it was too late. I late figured that journaling b4 addressing issues on later date to filter the words, would've solved a lot of things.
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u/Temporary_Economics8 1d ago
these are overall excellent communication tips, approaching the problem and not the person avoids blaming. I can see how it’s hard to do on a relationship tho 🤍
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1d ago
(biblically long text incoming from you of alternate reality several years in the future):
devastating to see yet another anxiously attached lady online putting the burden on herself and internalizing, erroneously thinking that somehow everything it’s her fault. “if only i had used a better communication style the avoidant would have listened”. like, wtf does “hard on the problem” and “soft on the person” could possibly even mean when the avoidant person here is the one deliberately creating the problem just because he can? when he is the one treating you like shit because he 100% knows that he can do whatever he wants to you and you’ll continue to stick around and think it’s your fault?
girl, i’ve seen what happens 5 and 10 years down the line. i’ve seen how much your performance at work suffered because of the constant sabotaging and retraumatizing at home. i’ve seen how many nights you cried alone and drank yourself to sleep, either depriving yourself of food or eating your heart out to numb the pain. i’ve seen how many friends you lost because of him, as they couldn’t stand anymore to watch you keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into this and not listen to the voice of reason. i’ve seen how many of them tried to reach you, and say that “there is a better world out there than this” but you never heard them because of this wound you carry with you that makes you think you’re not good enough for “healthier” people. the “avoidant” keeps reinforcing this wound by treating you as if that lie you tell yourself is true. i’ve seen the awful stuff you did because you believed yours and his lies. how you demonized other “jezebels” that were “hitting on your wonderful amazing guy” when he was actually the one completely disrespecting you and laughing behind your back because you don’t respect yourself.
when are you gonna wake up? how much more of your life and dreams are you gonna give up to stay next to a person that has already showed you he’s not interested in meeting any of your needs? how much more of your time are you gonna dedicate to being his mom and emotional support hotline when he won’t even admit out loud that he’ll never give you kids nor any of the things you want and that he promised long ago? repeat after me “you CANNOT change a person”. anxiously attached (and severely traumatized) people like you keep believing they can change someone into a person that can meet their needs because they think they desperately need it to survive, and they’re scared to death of actually dying if they accepted reality and detached from the person instead. so you create illusions in your head and you’re incapable of seeing him for who he really is: a person that cannot meet your needs. and your needs ARE valid…
please wake up while you still can… stop thinking that every man out there is like this, they’re not. this guy will damage every single ounce of your humanity and keep turning you against the world because he makes you believe the only reality that exists is this one that you’re stuck in… it’s not, babe. don’t wait another 5 or 10 years until you’re in your 40s with virtually no savings and no career and without everything you once dreamed of (before meeting him, or in the honeymoon phase with him, when he lied to you) because this guy used you up.
i have so many resources to help you (books, youtube channels, instagram accounts), but i’m sure other people have tried too and you didn’t listen to them. i know you’re ashamed because of the abusive dynamics you’ve gotten yourself into because you’re too scared to leave him and make it on your own, because everytime you tried you sabotaged yourself and didn’t succeed… but you can leave if you truly choose to and accept that there’s no other real choice if you don’t want to end up KYS down the line. you don’t have to feel ashamed of the abuse you inflicted on him. people like you become abusive (usually verbally and physically agressive) as a result of the constant emotional neglect, gaslighting, and psychological abuse you suffered in the hands of sociopaths like him (it’s not just cis men btw, plenty of women and queers like this btw; nothing to do with sexual orientation).
trauma-informed therapists know all i’m talking about. usually their litmus test is “who is the person reading all the self help books and trying to improve themselves, and who is the person acting like everything is working for them, and still has their career and social network intact?”. that’s how they know who’s the real abuser here, and who is the sensitive empath that was turned monster because of how they were treated and because they believed they would literally die if they left the relationship :(((( babe, if you want resources, just say so and i’ll put them here or wherever you want. but as the you from the future i want to 100% reassure you that things are only gonna get worse with him. the once beautiful and hopeful you is gonna become more bitter and disillusioned at life and love, with short interruptions every time he gives you an emotional crumb here and there to keep you from leaving because this works for him while he hasn’t yet found the next sucker to replace you. you’re gonna become more abusive, more hopeless, and you won’t be able to forgive yourself for not leaving while you were still young and had much better prospects at resetting your life and starting over.
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u/Temporary_Economics8 1d ago
Oh MY GOD I needed you. seriously
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u/Temporary_Economics8 1d ago
No, seriously, I already binge drinked, lost jobs, lost 20% of my weight and he can't see how the constant trauma/love cycle is anyhow responsible. Thank you very much for coming from the future and giving a wake up call. This brutality is what we need.
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1d ago
(if he knows this is your reddit account, might be a good idea to stop using it to talk about this stuff out in the open like that. make a different one. protect yourself, babe)
the thing is you immensely helped a lot of people in your life, so they end up coming back to help you too. some of them feel incredibly indebted to you, are happier now because of you, and want to see you happy above all else. so much so that they invent time travel just to have your future self (the only one you’ll listen to) come here to give you a much needed pep talk 💙
you can do this. i know it’s hard, but you’re not alone: that’s just a lie you tell yourself and that he loves reinforcing to keep you isolated and conveniently be your “savior”. see, if you shine too much, he knows he loses you because of all the damage he inflicted. the resources to get unstuck from this do exist, but you’ll have to fight your worst enemy every day in the healing process, which is yourself. he’s awful to you, but it’s actually you who treats yourself the worst.
hardest part of healing will be unlearning those unhealthy maladaptive coping habits that protected you when you were younger, but no longer serve you. the way this works is you slowly replace those habits with healthier choices, and being the nicest and most caring person to yourself while you’re at it. baby steps, but with some urgency because the longer you stay in this, the more financial / emotional losses + future possibilities you close for yourself.
some of the stuff that helped me finally see the light (it’s a non-linear process; while you’re living with him you’ll keep coming back down again both because of his emotional crumbs and the abuse):
- “adult children of emotionally immature parents” (especially chapter 6, internalizers)
- heidi priebe’s youtube channel. lots of good stuff there. search for the series on “family roles” (look for “hero”, that might apply to you)
- “healing from hidden abuse” (it will make you feel seen… resist the temptation to get angry at yourself for not leaving earlier)
- triggering, but more scientific / less self helpy: “the body keeps the score”
- get a trauma informed therapist; folks with CPTSD focus especially helpful, because that’s what you develop as result of the retraumatizing and living in constant fly or fight mode
- subs: r/CPTSD , r/CPTSDNextSteps , r/raisedbynarcissists
- reach out and reconnect with your friends and family, even the ones you think would not want to hear from you. gotta undo the isolation and support network helps you when you inevitably fall down again because you sabotage yourself, and he does it too. those people you backed away from because of him: chances are he talked you into isolating yourself from whoever was on your side and could sense the damage he was inflicting
- some kind of physical activity every day, even if just a walk outside for a few mins. sunlight is healing, and you’ll need the endorphins and vitamin D
- journaling: digital version doesn’t provide same sensorial benefit of handwriting, but easier to re-read when you forget how you felt last time he abused you
- indulge in activities you stopped because of him
- hobbies that make you feel empowered, self confident and even sexy are the best
- keep the begging + crying + demanding from him to a minimum. “healing from hidden abuse” teaches you that there’s no “logic” you can use with a psychological abuser for them to stop abusing you. best thing you can do is emotionally disconnect from them, but it takes time…
please don’t let anyone kill your beautiful light, girl. you deserve to be happy. we all do, even him, you know? but he’s not your problem to solve. make yourself happy first, then when the time comes you’ll see you’ll naturally have no interest in people like him anymore. you’ll empathize because you can’t help yourself, but from a safe distance :)
ok, i’ll delete this account again later today. i’m quite paranoid with reddit (have to work on it with therapist). i’m afraid your guy might be reading these and will somehow come after you for it, or even me if he’s tech savvy. don’t want to put you in danger, and don’t want to endanger myself either. stay well, you got this, i know it.
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u/Ok-Slip2917 1d ago
Hey maybe you will still see this....probably the ex doesnt care to check imo from the way you describe them. You are dealing with a classic narcissistic person. How do I know? B/c Im living it. My ex is back after 6 months but, not fully commited. This is the 2nd time we broke up and it was bad. Our families have bailed us out each time and Im sure they would like to never see us together again. Im in therapy, lost friends, pets, family wouldn't talk to me....but hes thriving, partying, having fun, sleeping around...no interest really in letting me know where i stand. I take breadcrumbing and deal with that b/c of my abandonment issues. I am now approaching 50 years old in under 3 months. Im "single", no savings, alone, lost weight, got sick and ended up in the hospital this past April. I mean...if you want to wind up like me, then keep investing energy with this person. I feel happier b/c hes here now, but I know I likely will be ghosted someday again....I feel like this is all I have left at my age and life so I deal with it and I tell myself I love him and "love is worth it, right??!" Sigh.... Part of me don't even care if I die most days.....I've been dead inside so long already. It's a lonely life loving a detached, avoidant, narcissist person. I only hope you can break free before it's too late. :*(
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u/agtg_art 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh damn, I also got burnt on this so hard that the deleted user left no crumbs on such heck long paragraph.🤣 The long paragraph do be having a point tho.I I appreciate whoever wrote this. ILY💕 assuring that I am also working on me being a secure partner and a secure way of communicating as well, in hopes I end up in a healthy relationship later on in the future 💜
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u/Bubbly_Sleep9312 2d ago
I'm so sorry that must be rough. Mine and I had conflict unfortunately. I have wanted everyday to ask him for another chance. I have had this terrible internal battle in my head so much where my head has hurt. At first, I was going to walk away but as time went on, I thought about it and realized I wanted to stay for the person I love
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u/xpearlotus 2d ago
I'm assuming she got some self respect didn't take you back?
Or at least I hope that's the case… sorry OP
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u/Connect_Marsupial773 2d ago
That's what happened to me after 4 years. I also asked for couples therapy etc but he treated me like I was the worst person alive and no therapy would ever make me good enough to even be his friend again. It was traumatizing. He hates me and resents me for wasting 4 years of his life it seems and won't even talk to me. And I still try to understand him like the idiot I am lol. He did it just after he found some new friends so it feels like he decided he didn't need me anymore and replaced my friendship first.
I have some questions if you don't mind
Did you feel any guilt for blindsiding at that moment, or did you not realize it at all?
Did you resent her for wasting your time on the whole relationship or something similar to that? Were you angry at her for 'failing' the relationship?
Did you convince yourself that she was toxic to justify breaking up? Blame her for your own flaws?
Were you cruel or mean during the breakup? to a point where you felt safe/certain enough there would be no way back even if you wanted?
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u/Temporary_Economics8 2d ago
good. I hope she found a dude that really loves her, and that he treats her like a princess, and has a huge dck.
people like you leave the partner guessing full time, you’re a huge cognitive load, instead of humanizing yourselves and working in your empathy, you use the person that loves you leveraging on their suffering, and you never work on healing and bringing peace. Oh but you’re the first to throw blame.
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u/No_Cash_9081 1d ago
Thank you so much for saying that, made me feel better actually. My avoidant ex did the exact same thing OP did.
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u/Entrepreneur_Texas 2d ago
Similar story here. I (33M) ended it with my ex (34F) of 4 years. because of my recent insecurities, lack of communication, and having a stressful last year with business (I had a tendency to try and break up during every argument). Regretted it as it was majority my fault, and I was being a hypocrite. I’m in therapy now, and we’re talking again, but she’s being cautious on my progress. Couples therapy is great but I suggest starting with individual therapy, especially if it’s a repetitive behavior in previous relationships. That means it’s you, and not the relationship. At least that’s how it is in my case.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well, bro!
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u/Connect_Marsupial773 2d ago
Did you realize you needed therapy yourself or did she convince you?
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u/Entrepreneur_Texas 2d ago
Great question! I did. I realized that my behavior is repetitive with all my previous relationships, and if I ever wanted to have successful relationship and marriage, I need to fix myself first.
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u/Connect_Marsupial773 2d ago
I really admire that. It shows people can actually change when they want to. Has therapy also changed your view and feelings about your previous relationship?
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u/pixel-smooth 2d ago
How did you start talking again? How did you end up in couples therapy? How long did it take you to talk again after being in NC?
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u/Entrepreneur_Texas 2d ago
So I sent her an email apologizing a couple days after I ended it, it must have went to spam or something, because she didn’t see it until weeks later. Anyway, she text me about it and we slowly started talking again. She’s still taking it very slow as she doesn’t know if I’ll hurt her again. I’m being respectful about that. Neither of us have done anything with anyone since the breakup (that’s important for us both). We are spending the 4 of July weekend together (I haven’t seen her for almost 2 months).
We are NOT in couples therapy, I’m in individual therapy as I have a lot of things I need to fix about myself first. I’m not sure where we’ll end up, but if she wants to take it more serious, I am more than willing to add on couples therapy to my individual therapy. I hope that made sense. At the end of the day, I have to fix myself first, and it took age (I’m more self aware at 33) and a serious breakup to realize my flaws as a partner.
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u/pixel-smooth 2d ago
Wish you luck, & treat her nicely.
I am in a similar situation by the way. We have broken up a month & a bit ago after almost 5 years together. Both of us are in individual therapy, as we have realised we need to work on ourselves.
We have been in no contact for 2 weeks now…we spoke last mid june when it was her birthday & 2 days before that when she brought me my things & we ended up talking for an hour, then 3 hours more on text same night.
I feel there is hope, but she still left me a bit in limbo with some of her messages. She said “if it is meant to be with us, it will happen, but I will not wait it out” & also that she wants to try to sleep with someone else, which I am not sure if that would push me away if it happens & she said it to hurt me.
I know that I want to work on myself to be able to handle emotions better & really don’t see myself dating or sleeping with someone.
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u/IkLostSoul 2d ago
I hope you at least explained all that to her too. First you gotta make things right with her before you try to get our sympathy for self reflection as an avoidant
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u/s_esteban 1d ago
To be brutally honest, I know you fully regret your actions, but when you pull that you shouldn’t get another chance. I don’t want to sit here and put you down, but you should definitely use your actions and this breakup as a lesson learned. This person was willing to do anything to hold onto you and you denied her. Maybe use this opportunity to learn how to communicate that way in your next relationship you’re not making the same mistake.
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u/aylaisla 1d ago
how long did it take you to realize you regretted it? how did you try to win her back? how did she take it?
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u/No-Mastodon597 1d ago
You got a lot of questions to answer, don't ghost!
Personally, I'm curious. Why did you feel this way? Have you done any self-relfection and personal growth to figure out why you just decided to dump her even though things were going well? Do you acknowledge that you were the reason you couldn't communicate? If she were to take you back again, are you FULLY willing to do most of the communicating? Did you love her? How does one just drop something even though they're the one lacking?
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u/nico_bridge 1d ago
This is like exactly what my ex did to me except 4 years. Something I never understood, after so much love and so many memories, how could you just sorta give up in the end and not try any of the potential solutions I gave or like not fight for it at all? It made me feel like they didn’t care as much or we weren’t special seeing them throw in the towel just like that.
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u/BriefAccident702 2d ago
Lmao he’s avoiding us now in the replies 💀