He only regrets it because he orbited back around a year later and she didn’t give him the time of day. That really set him in a panic. Had she responded and been warm and receiving, he would have kept on moving.
omg…. srsly?
because i’m dealing with a very avoidant partner that keeps me FULL time in alert mode, always threatening to leave, break up, and I get so scared and distressed for days, I think it changed something at my core, now i can barely regulate emotions.
He knows i love him and forgive absolutely anything he does, I’m just asking for a good interval of time having someone to trust and rely on, a partner. And every time i attempt to raise any issue, even if he does something recognizably awful, an hour later the fault is mine somehow.
I’m just so… exhausted… how did it all became this
I feel youuu🥲. On my case which had similar Situation as yours, I should change my approach when it comes to communicating style that was catered to his attachment style. Mostly Soft on the person ,Hard on the problem, avoid completely blaming. It's tricky around avoidants, it's exhausting because I had a hard time figuring out how until it was too late. I late figured that journaling b4 addressing issues on later date to filter the words, would've solved a lot of things.
these are overall excellent communication tips, approaching the problem and not the person avoids blaming. I can see how it’s hard to do on a relationship tho 🤍
(biblically long text incoming from you of alternate reality several years in the future):
devastating to see yet another anxiously attached lady online putting the burden on herself and internalizing, erroneously thinking that somehow everything it’s her fault. “if only i had used a better communication style the avoidant would have listened”. like, wtf does “hard on the problem” and “soft on the person” could possibly even mean when the avoidant person here is the one deliberately creating the problem just because he can? when he is the one treating you like shit because he 100% knows that he can do whatever he wants to you and you’ll continue to stick around and think it’s your fault?
girl, i’ve seen what happens 5 and 10 years down the line. i’ve seen how much your performance at work suffered because of the constant sabotaging and retraumatizing at home. i’ve seen how many nights you cried alone and drank yourself to sleep, either depriving yourself of food or eating your heart out to numb the pain. i’ve seen how many friends you lost because of him, as they couldn’t stand anymore to watch you keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into this and not listen to the voice of reason. i’ve seen how many of them tried to reach you, and say that “there is a better world out there than this” but you never heard them because of this wound you carry with you that makes you think you’re not good enough for “healthier” people. the “avoidant” keeps reinforcing this wound by treating you as if that lie you tell yourself is true. i’ve seen the awful stuff you did because you believed yours and his lies. how you demonized other “jezebels” that were “hitting on your wonderful amazing guy” when he was actually the one completely disrespecting you and laughing behind your back because you don’t respect yourself.
when are you gonna wake up? how much more of your life and dreams are you gonna give up to stay next to a person that has already showed you he’s not interested in meeting any of your needs? how much more of your time are you gonna dedicate to being his mom and emotional support hotline when he won’t even admit out loud that he’ll never give you kids nor any of the things you want and that he promised long ago? repeat after me “you CANNOT change a person”. anxiously attached (and severely traumatized) people like you keep believing they can change someone into a person that can meet their needs because they think they desperately need it to survive, and they’re scared to death of actually dying if they accepted reality and detached from the person instead. so you create illusions in your head and you’re incapable of seeing him for who he really is: a person that cannot meet your needs. and your needs ARE valid…
please wake up while you still can… stop thinking that every man out there is like this, they’re not. this guy will damage every single ounce of your humanity and keep turning you against the world because he makes you believe the only reality that exists is this one that you’re stuck in… it’s not, babe. don’t wait another 5 or 10 years until you’re in your 40s with virtually no savings and no career and without everything you once dreamed of (before meeting him, or in the honeymoon phase with him, when he lied to you) because this guy used you up.
i have so many resources to help you (books, youtube channels, instagram accounts), but i’m sure other people have tried too and you didn’t listen to them. i know you’re ashamed because of the abusive dynamics you’ve gotten yourself into because you’re too scared to leave him and make it on your own, because everytime you tried you sabotaged yourself and didn’t succeed… but you can leave if you truly choose to and accept that there’s no other real choice if you don’t want to end up KYS down the line. you don’t have to feel ashamed of the abuse you inflicted on him. people like you become abusive (usually verbally and physically agressive) as a result of the constant emotional neglect, gaslighting, and psychological abuse you suffered in the hands of sociopaths like him (it’s not just cis men btw, plenty of women and queers like this btw; nothing to do with sexual orientation).
trauma-informed therapists know all i’m talking about. usually their litmus test is “who is the person reading all the self help books and trying to improve themselves, and who is the person acting like everything is working for them, and still has their career and social network intact?”. that’s how they know who’s the real abuser here, and who is the sensitive empath that was turned monster because of how they were treated and because they believed they would literally die if they left the relationship :(((( babe, if you want resources, just say so and i’ll put them here or wherever you want. but as the you from the future i want to 100% reassure you that things are only gonna get worse with him. the once beautiful and hopeful you is gonna become more bitter and disillusioned at life and love, with short interruptions every time he gives you an emotional crumb here and there to keep you from leaving because this works for him while he hasn’t yet found the next sucker to replace you. you’re gonna become more abusive, more hopeless, and you won’t be able to forgive yourself for not leaving while you were still young and had much better prospects at resetting your life and starting over.
No, seriously, I already binge drinked, lost jobs, lost 20% of my weight and he can't see how the constant trauma/love cycle is anyhow responsible. Thank you very much for coming from the future and giving a wake up call. This brutality is what we need.
(if he knows this is your reddit account, might be a good idea to stop using it to talk about this stuff out in the open like that. make a different one. protect yourself, babe)
the thing is you immensely helped a lot of people in your life, so they end up coming back to help you too. some of them feel incredibly indebted to you, are happier now because of you, and want to see you happy above all else. so much so that they invent time travel just to have your future self (the only one you’ll listen to) come here to give you a much needed pep talk 💙
you can do this. i know it’s hard, but you’re not alone: that’s just a lie you tell yourself and that he loves reinforcing to keep you isolated and conveniently be your “savior”. see, if you shine too much, he knows he loses you because of all the damage he inflicted. the resources to get unstuck from this do exist, but you’ll have to fight your worst enemy every day in the healing process, which is yourself. he’s awful to you, but it’s actually you who treats yourself the worst.
hardest part of healing will be unlearning those unhealthy maladaptive coping habits that protected you when you were younger, but no longer serve you. the way this works is you slowly replace those habits with healthier choices, and being the nicest and most caring person to yourself while you’re at it. baby steps, but with some urgency because the longer you stay in this, the more financial / emotional
losses + future possibilities you close for yourself.
some of the stuff that helped me finally see the light (it’s a non-linear process; while you’re living with him you’ll keep coming back down again both because of his emotional crumbs and the abuse):
“adult children of emotionally immature parents” (especially chapter 6, internalizers)
heidi priebe’s youtube channel. lots of good stuff there. search for the series on “family roles” (look for “hero”, that might apply to you)
“healing from hidden abuse” (it will make you feel seen… resist the temptation to get angry at yourself for not leaving earlier)
triggering, but more scientific / less self helpy: “the body keeps the score”
get a trauma informed therapist; folks with CPTSD focus especially helpful, because that’s what you develop as result of the retraumatizing and living in constant fly or fight mode
reach out and reconnect with your friends and family, even the ones you think would not want to hear from you. gotta undo the isolation and support network helps you when you inevitably fall down again because you sabotage yourself, and he does it too. those people you backed away from because of him: chances are he talked you into isolating yourself from whoever was on your side and could sense the damage he was inflicting
some kind of physical activity every day, even if just a walk outside for a few mins. sunlight is healing, and you’ll need the endorphins and vitamin D
journaling: digital version doesn’t provide same sensorial benefit of handwriting, but easier to re-read when you forget how you felt last time he abused you
indulge in activities you stopped because of him
hobbies that make you feel empowered, self confident and even sexy are the best
keep the begging + crying + demanding from him to a minimum. “healing from hidden abuse” teaches you that there’s no “logic” you can use with a psychological abuser for them to stop abusing you. best thing you can do is emotionally disconnect from them, but it takes time…
please don’t let anyone kill your beautiful light, girl. you deserve to be happy. we all do, even him, you know? but he’s not your problem to solve. make yourself happy first, then when the time comes you’ll see you’ll naturally have no interest in people like him anymore. you’ll empathize because you can’t help yourself, but from a safe distance :)
ok, i’ll delete this account again later today. i’m quite paranoid with reddit (have to work on it with therapist). i’m afraid your guy might be reading these and will somehow come after you for it, or even me if he’s tech savvy. don’t want to put you in danger, and don’t want to endanger myself either. stay well, you got this, i know it.
Got it - i’ll start studying right away! Several of these references covers things i had no idea about the origin, e.g.: I felt I look like I got 20 years older in the last 3. I know it’s obvious, but sometimes you’re just not looking precisely to avoid seeing.
Honestly, you’re a mother. I’m isolated, was super lost, and these are clear small steps in a direction that i can try to do.
Hey maybe you will still see this....probably the ex doesnt care to check imo from the way you describe them. You are dealing with a classic narcissistic person. How do I know? B/c Im living it. My ex is back after 6 months but, not fully commited. This is the 2nd time we broke up and it was bad. Our families have bailed us out each time and Im sure they would like to never see us together again. Im in therapy, lost friends, pets, family wouldn't talk to me....but hes thriving, partying, having fun, sleeping around...no interest really in letting me know where i stand. I take breadcrumbing and deal with that b/c of my abandonment issues. I am now approaching 50 years old in under 3 months. Im "single", no savings, alone, lost weight, got sick and ended up in the hospital this past April. I mean...if you want to wind up like me, then keep investing energy with this person. I feel happier b/c hes here now, but I know I likely will be ghosted someday again....I feel like this is all I have left at my age and life so I deal with it and I tell myself I love him and "love is worth it, right??!" Sigh.... Part of me don't even care if I die most days.....I've been dead inside so long already. It's a lonely life loving a detached, avoidant, narcissist person. I only hope you can break free before it's too late. :*(
firstly, I’m so so sorry for you. I felt every line you wrote in the bottom of my heart like i was writing myself.
I never had abandonment trauma reactions before him. He would threaten to leave - and sometimes he really would go sleep in an hotel, and I’d cry my heart out and he would come back if i ask nicely and conceded on a bunch of things. Once he left and didn’t come back, he was using dating apps the next minute. I was in shock, he was partying and fking and doing so much, I’d sit on my couch and look at my walls, wondering but unable to speak, from the amount of sadness I’ve never experienced before. Lost 20% of my weight and it never came back.
One day he came back, I was needing him so much… (we’re expats, he was my family) but he kept using dating apps behind my back. Recently he said he will not do anything for us. I feel like I’m just here to pay the rent.
My body is old and hurt just from these few last years. The sadness and constant instability doesn’t allow me to do my job properly, sleep or eat.
~5 years ago he took me on a restaurant at the top of the city, drafted in the back of a napkin our life plan. Our house, our baby. I never forgot, i thought he would never abandon me.
And now here I am, not knowing what we are, with him peacefully sleeping at my bed, and me sleepless on the couch, calculating how to stop him from leaving, getting behind at all my duties.
I guess it’s time to wake up.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. You became an important part of my plans for future, wherever you are.
Oh damn, I also got burnt on this so hard that the deleted user left no crumbs on such heck long paragraph.🤣 The long paragraph do be having a point tho.I I appreciate whoever wrote this. ILY💕 assuring that I am also working on me being a secure partner and a secure way of communicating as well, in hopes I end up in a healthy relationship later on in the future 💜
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u/ControversialCo 4d ago
He only regrets it because he orbited back around a year later and she didn’t give him the time of day. That really set him in a panic. Had she responded and been warm and receiving, he would have kept on moving.