r/AITAH • u/Critical-Physics-999 • 2d ago
AITA for refusing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?
I, 33F, met my husband during university. A mutual friend of ours set us up, and we hit it off instantly. My husband made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future and that if I wasn’t okay with it, I would be gone. For context, my husband was adopted when he was 7 and wanted to do the same for others. I also made it clear that I wanted biological children as well, which he was okay with. We ended up married after two years of dating, and both completed our degrees.
We currently have two daughters, Rosie5(bio) and Julia7(adopted). We started fostering when my bio daughter was a newborn and adopted Julia around year ago. Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family.
However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores. I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point. Rosie and Julia are both smart, beautiful, joyous girls. Rosie is both in ballet and gymnastics, highly advanced for her grade level, but has a hard time making friends. Julia has started cheerleading, makes lots of friends, but she does struggle a bit in school, which my husband uses as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie.
I’m currently three months pregnant with our third child, and my husbands reaction to finding out was “when can we start fostering again?” Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and he said nearly everything would be in my favor. We have a prenuptial agreement that allows us to keep nearly everything separate. The house is in my name, we have two separate bank accounts and one joint account, which would be split, I would not be required to pay alimony, and keep one of our cars. My husband would be getting most if not all of our retirement account. Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him. The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him. After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce. He was enraged after this, screaming about how I’m a b*tch for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system. That our daughter (Rosie) was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did. My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once. Finally, my husband stopped yelling and I could put the girls back to bed. But I have to admit, I’ve started to resent Julia. I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts. However I’m afraid if something happens again I’ll snap and I don’t want to shout at my daughters or husband. I have both girls in therapy already (Julia needs it because of her past, and we had Rosie go when started fostering.) Any advice is appreciated, as well as criticism. I’m also willing to answer any questions. So AITA?
Also- these are fake names for my daughter’s privacy as well as a throwaway account.
Edit1: Paragraphs
Edit 2: Concerning what would happen in the possibility of divorce, we had a prenup because I come from a wealthy family.
Edit 3: Rosie went to developmental therapy before traditional therapy. It was to make sure she wasn’t being affecting by kids coming in/out of the house if she gets attached to them. She now goes to a traditional therapist, so she has an adult to speak with outside of family.
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u/miyuki_m 2d ago
NTA. He has so much empathy for Julia but absolutely none for Rosie. It's as though he thinks only adopted children deserve to be loved.
Unless he can get it through his head that Rosie deserves love just as much as Julia does, you have to leave him to protect Rosie.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_PUPUSA 2d ago
Completely agree. Rosie deserves to feel loved and valued just as much as Julia.
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u/FakeMagic8Ball 1d ago
If he loved Julia as much as he says he does, he'd want her to be treated the same as the biological children so she wasn't made to feel "different" and "special". Being in a loving home being treated like a bio child is the best thing he can do for her. I'm guessing she wants to feel loved and accepted by everyone, including her adopted siblings and wouldn't want them feeling resentful of her presence.
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u/bendybiznatch 1d ago
And it’s not good for Julia either. It’s effectively robbing her of her sibling experience.
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u/Laytchie 2d ago
It's like he thinks it's a zero-sum game, and he has to ration his love for his children. 3 cups for Julia and 1 cup for Rosie. If he loves Rosie any more, it reduces the amount of love available for Julia.
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u/Indy-Lib 2d ago
Yeah. It’s like he thinks bio kids don’t need ACTIVE love and parenting too because they are in a family with their bio parents- as if that’s enough for any kid. Ugh this is so sad.
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u/invisiblizm 2d ago
I think youve hit it, and that translates into the marital relationship too. I wonder how much he resents OP for not being adopted, and how much he assumes she needs no love or support. Notice his reaction to divorce wasn't about losing OP, but how she serves his purpose.
NTA/NTAH
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u/BellaSquared 2d ago
Just wild that an adult can't love bio & adopted children equally. It's as though his own adoption warped his ability to give unconditional love to his own children because they're lucky to be bio, and not "special" like those adopted.
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u/serjsomi 2d ago
To protect both of them. Julia could feel guilt for unintentionally taking the attention away from Rosie.
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u/rocklandguy324 2d ago
NTA, your husband in his trauma, has determined that his daughter should suffer in a way her sister did to teach her a lesson. What he's really doing is showing he still has not healed from his past and is going to abuse his kids in some misguided attempt to save himself by proxy of your adopted daughter regardlessof how it effects his other daughteror his marriage. His response to your pregnancy was telling as it seems his plan is for every bio kid you all will adopt 1 as well when he can't even balance his responsibilities now. I don't always go for divorce for but his reaction to you should be a huge red flag, he took no responsibility for his actions and blamed a child for wanting their father to love them. Protect your children at all costs from him and his bullshit.
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u/HelloKatie5808 1d ago edited 1d ago
Exactly. He gives her a bio child so he can get the adopted child he wants. It feels like he has set up a yours (bio) and mine (adopted)situation in his head. Anyone else get the feeling he’ll tell her she can keep Rosie and he wants full custody of Julia in the divorce?
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u/ladda11 1d ago
This is it. I wouldn’t be surprised that after their argument he now resents Rosie as much as she resents Julia.
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u/GlossyBlackPanther 1d ago
He already resented Rosie, the argument didn’t change how he felt about her.
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u/AardvarkDisastrous70 2d ago
I don't believe he thinks she's suffering in any way. He seems to thinks she's not being mistreated because hi hasn't thrown her out of the house or physically abused her. He seems to think she will never suffer as much as Julia because he's in the same home as her. He doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong
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u/littlebitfunny21 1d ago
Yep. Which is despicable and makes it clear he has no understanding of healthy parenting. He had no business having children.
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u/wineyb1tch 2d ago
I would be fearful of retaliation for you leaving him and harming the children 😳 please get some advice from your therapist
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u/Spiritual_Speech_725 1d ago
Im seriously worried about him hurting them all.
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u/Mindless-Client3366 1d ago
I wondered about him possibly taking off with Julia when he's told about the divorce to "save" her from a broken home.
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u/O_SensualMan 1d ago
I understand what you mean. But he already is - including himself.
He's certainly hurting Rosie. Also Julia by interfering in her sibling relationship, making her the GC & destroying his marriage. He's hurting himself by traumatizing every member of his family.
When he someday realizes this, far too late to make amends, he will be in great pain. EVERYBODY, including his unborn second bio child, is harmed or will be.
Therapy, STAT. Don't wreck your own life by harming others.
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u/Silver-Ad-3667 1d ago
Op, this. This is what's happening, and I hope he can be made to realize it. He's letting his trauma pass itself on, even though he explicitly doesn't want it to.
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u/TarzanKitty 2d ago
Go ahead and file. Your husband is never going to love his bio kids and in the process. He will damage all 3 of them.
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u/Sunbeamsoffglass 2d ago
He already has.
“Why doesn’t daddy love me anymore?”
That alone is divorce worthy.
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u/Successful_Bitch107 2d ago
She is only 5 but is still aware of the household dynamics.
Far too often people, or at least some Redditors, disregard younger kids and their feelings “cause they don’t know what’s going on”
PSA to parents who ignore their kids: it doesn’t matter how old/young they are, they will always know you didn’t want them around no matter what the age because even if you don’t realize it, you always treat them differently and kids pick up on it
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u/Beyond_Interesting 2d ago
When I read that he said Rosie was being selfish, I gasped and rechecked her age ... she's 5!! She is not selfish. This guy needs major help. He cuts off his nose to spite his face.
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u/ih8these_blurredeyes 1d ago
This immediately tells me he is not actually a good father, not good with kids, and maybe doesn't really like kids at all.
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u/mrszubris 1d ago
My mom called me a selfish little bitch when I was three... To my face. Some parents are monsters.
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u/malletgirl91 2d ago
T H I S
Kids are so so so perceptive, I can’t stand it when people brush them off and say they’re too young to understand. They’re watching, listening, and often understand the heart of the matter better than the adults.
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u/ListReady6457 2d ago edited 2d ago
Way too far on the comment chain for this. This should absolutely be the top comment. The moment that comment came out, I would have gone to the father, had her tell him that to his fave, and handed him the divirce papers them and there. There's no counseling that's going to fix this. He's literally destroying his daughter because of the way he grew up. Edit for sp.
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u/Shes_Wicked 2d ago
Not even just this. Also something not very mentioned here is the fact that she told him that she was pregnant and his response was asking when they could foster. I would’ve divorced on that comment in and of itself ! He doesn’t give two craps about biological children and couldn’t care less that she was pregnant with his child. This man is living somewhere far away from reality.
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u/yellsy 2d ago
Husband likely never wanted bio kids and obviously only agreed to appease OP. He needed serious therapy to recover from his past before marriage and having a family. He’s not emotionally stable enough to be a parent. The “tit-for-tat” on bio to foster kids and saying a 5 yo child is selfish for wanting to be loved is wild behavior. This is sad for everyone, including OP.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 2d ago
I'm thinking this too, he probably never wanted bio children. He should have married a woman who couldn't have bio children or also only wanted to adopt.
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u/yellsy 2d ago edited 2d ago
While that would have avoided him damaging a bio child, the way he’s doing here, husbands statements show he just wasn’t equipped to he a parent in general without serious therapy first. The way he talked indicates that he sees adopted kids as accessories to fulfill his own needs. Julia isn’t an autonomous individual to him who he loves because of her qualities (ballet, being kind, etc), but “a poor foster child” to play hero to. Julia’s value to the (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is in how she makes HIM feel about himself. Interestingly, diagnosed narcissists tend to love their bio kids for the same reasons - they see them as extensions of themselves- but then withdraw love when the child gets older and they can’t vicariously live through them (the dad who was a star football player but his kid wants to do choir instead of football). Kids aren’t emotional support animals, but that’s what he turned her into.
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u/thecrepeofdeath 2d ago
yeah, he's already projecting his trauma so hard on this kid. he went straight for screaming so much he made the whole family cry with OP. how do you think he's going to react if the kid says or does something that doesn't fit in with his scripted life plans? get yourself and your kids out of there, OP.
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u/Livid-Supermarket-44 2d ago
Totally agree. He's over compensating, and it'll ruin them all.
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u/Simply_me_Wren 2d ago
This. He’s trying to heal his inner child, and damaging his own 3 children in the process. Poor kids.
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u/Clairegeit 2d ago
He needs therapy the most, he can’t use a child to heal.
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u/Proper-District8608 2d ago
The fact that he stated about how she doesnt understand how hard foster care system is on child, when Julia was in their home since she was a newborn, speaks volumes. He may be searching for the 7 year old he was once in the system.
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u/Shibaspots 2d ago
They started fostering when Rosie was a newborn, not Julia.
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u/Then-Secretary-2541 2d ago
Why in the world did she agree to this? As if her hands weren't full enough with a new baby. Also a MAJOR power imbalance money wise. He is likely envious and doesn't wanna lose his sugar mama.
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u/PolkaDotDancer 2d ago
Bingo! He needs to be in therapy before he ruins the lives of both daughters.
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u/Proper-District8608 2d ago
That was my mistake and thank you. Though I still feel he's trying to save his younger self and therapy needed on his part b4 he pushes his other daughter away and somewhat pits them against each other in those teen years.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_PUPUSA 2d ago
Absolutely, it's heartbreaking to see the kids suffer because of his favoritism.
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u/DragonCelica 2d ago
Exactly. We know Rosie won't be okay, but neither will Julia with the way he's acting. If he was willing to at least consider OP's concerns, I might have suggested starting with couples therapy, and eventually family therapy if that goes well. Sadly, that's not the case here.
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u/Head_Exit_5610 2d ago
The fact that his first reaction was to call her a B is enough to peace out
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u/Acceptable-Outcome97 2d ago
“can you please love your children equally?”
“YOU BITCH!!”
wildddd behavior
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u/TarzanKitty 2d ago
Absolutely! That would never be okay but that reaction makes it crystal clear that he isn’t going to change anything.
The kids will be better off not dealing with that 100% of the time.
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u/speckofcosmicdust 2d ago
His unresolved abandonment issues will affect his bio daughter and adopted daughter. It's heartbreaking to read, "why doesn't daddy love me anymore?" Probably the same thing he asked as a foster kid.
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u/RavenLunatyk 2d ago
The husband needs counseling too. He is over compensating his love for Julia because of her past based on his experiences and in his mind is saving her and wants to save more children. While this is admirable he should not be neglecting his bio children. That in turn makes him the bad parent he experienced as a foster kid and doing it to his own child is more horrific than the monsters who only foster for the government money and treat the kids poorly.
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u/Misa7_2006 2d ago
While this is admirable he should not be neglecting his bio children. That in turn makes him the bad parent he experienced as a foster kid and doing it to his own child is more horrific than the monsters who only foster for the government money and treat the kids poorly.
I would be telling him this, the fact that he is treating his daughter the way he is makes him no better than the parents who cause their children to be placed in the system. It's all good and well that he wants to help children in the foster system, but not at the expense of his own.
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u/royalbk 2d ago
This, I don't understand what OP is waiting for.
OP's husband is destroying Rosie's self esteem and she will soon start destroying Julia's. He favors Julia and I feel that she is unknowingly favoring Rosie, if only to overcompensate for the lack of attention from her father.
The husband is at fault for this clusterF but OP is letting everything stew as if waiting for an explosion.
Just divorce him if you're sitting at night in bed "wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her".
Those poor girls
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u/standard_issue_dummy 2d ago
I was the little kid unwanted by their father. OP, please don’t let Rosie grow up thinking she doesn’t deserve to be loved.
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u/Level-Tangerine-8172 2d ago
NTA. So, he presumably wants to adopt because he believes all children deserve to be loved, and yet, he neglects his biological child? You need to leave him, this doesn't seem like something that is fixable, especially as he does not see the problem, and your children deserve better.
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u/moth-bear 1d ago
It's almost like hubby sees the biological kids as "hers" and the adopted kids as "his". Now that OP's pregnant she is going to get another kid, so he wants to adopt now so that he can have another one as well.
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u/Practical_magik 1d ago
That's how this reads to me too. They need to see and adoption informed therapist for family therapy asap.
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u/kaitydidit 1d ago
Ah fuck, you’re so right. What an impossible situation for those kids, I don’t see any other choice for OP besides leaving as well. What a shame
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u/Fae_for_a_Day 1d ago
It seems like he may be jealous of his own child having bio parents. I don't think it is only about favoring Julia. I think the child inside of him is mad at Rosie.
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u/Tishers 2d ago
NTA
Dump him; Just remind him that he can go adopt a bus-load of children as a single parent but you are not going to be around while he treats your children by birth with indifference.
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u/Reasonable-Crab4291 2d ago
How is he going to raise and support all the adoptees on 55k in this economy?
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u/mfdonuts 1d ago
That’s the thing, without her income, he’ll never get approved, and he shouldn’t.
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u/Then-Secretary-2541 2d ago
Not on that salary he won't. She makes the $$$ and I am afraid is in danger. He sure don't wanna lose her big salary and lifestyle. Sounds like a complete LOSER.
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u/iknowsomethings2 2d ago
NTA. File for divorce. This is already impacting Rose. You need to leave your husband, this is damaging to her and it’s going to get worse with your baby on the way. Plus Julia doesn’t deserve to be resented, this is all. your husbands fault
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u/werewere-kokako 2d ago
Kids are much more observant than people credit for. If Rosie is able to observe the favouritism at five, then Julie definitely sees it at seven.
This might have been fixable if the husband was willing to accept that he has a problem and do the work in therapy. As it is, there’s no way to resolve things without traumatising Julie. Either she lives with two parents who resent each other or she lives with the knowledge that her parents divorced because daddy plays favourites. Dad’s not going to change, so he’ll keep driving a wedge between the daughters.
If they get divorced, then Rose and Julie can have a normalish childhood during mum’s custody time.
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u/2dogslife 2d ago
Your husband obviously needs therapy. LOTS of therapy.
He insists it's a you problem, when clearly it is not. Couples counseling won't cut it. He needs help before you can work on your relationship, and you have 2 + 1 cooking kids. This needs to be addressed now, because your poor kid is feeling neglected (because she is being neglected).
I don't know if divorce is best, but something has to change.
NTA
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u/spikeymist 1d ago
It's going to be even worse for Rosie when the new baby arrives, obviously mum will need to give baby a lot of attention and if dad is only giving attention to Julia, Rosie is going to be feeling very lost and very alone.
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u/katycmb 2d ago
Adoptive & bio parent here. He wants to emotionally abuse your biological children because they are biological. Call your agency. Make it clear you need to pause your license indefinitely because your husband is emotionally abusing your children, and it is linked to his own adoption trauma. Ask everyone there with the most experience who, if anyone, they could recommend as a therapist for him. I’m going to be honest, it’s extremely likely you’ll end up divorced. But if there’s a chance he could realize what he’s doing here before he blows up the family, you need to take it. At the same time, you cannot let this dynamic continue. He’s going to lose all of you if he doesn’t get treatment immediately. Also, if/when he starts yelling like that again, call the police and have him removed from the house for a night. He needs a giant reality check and your girls don’t need the trauma of their dad yelling about why he prefers one over the other. Bringing more children into a house where he is being emotionally abusive is not an option.
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u/MrsAllHerShots 2d ago
just gonna tag OP to make sure they read this comment, i had to scroll way too far to see the proper wordage (see: emotional abuse)
calling u/Critical-Physics-999
fingers crossed you see this
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u/Canuck_Daughter 2d ago
Your comment should be higher. I had to come way too far to see someone mention the emotional abuse. It does just as much harm as other forms of abuse and the husband needs to get help before there is more harm done to the kids.
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u/writingisfreedom 2d ago
She should divorce him anyway...if she says he will hurt Rosie and the baby
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u/Maya2661 2d ago
NTA
You both wanted children but he wanted "foster" children and you wanted "biological" children.
He's not interested in the biological children. He only wants them for taking in another foster child.
You two were probably never on the same page after all.
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
I think you’re right. Both of us wanted a big family, we agreed on 4-6 kids, depending on if we could handle it. I very much enjoy motherhood and loved being a new mom to Rosie (despite the stress) and that’s why I want to continue being pregnant. This current baby was unplanned but of course is a wonderful surprise. With Julia, the experience was different for sure but I still loved it. I got to watch her go from this shy, scared little girl to this energetic, outgoing kid who can’t sit still. It’s amazing both ways. It makes me sad to realize my husband doesn’t feel the same.
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u/Vandreeson 2d ago
NTA. Your husband's priorities are seriously messed up. Your five year old is selfish, because she wants the same love and attention from her father? Does that sound ok to you? Because your bio child wasn't adopted she deserves less than a child he didn't help create? This is how he thinks, I don't think you or anyone else is going to change that?
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u/AViewWithNoWindows 1d ago
This comment alone shows you do love Julia and should keep her in your care, in spite of what some of the others are saying.
She's lost her family once and doesn't deserve to lose a mother again, especially one who clearly takes such joy in seeing her come out of her shell and thrive.
You are handling this exactly as you should. Being a single mom may be hard, but you're gona do great by those girls, and the baby as well.
And from what admittedly little I know about you, it appears that you are a great woman, full to the brim with love and compassion and emotional intelligence. I have no doubt that, in time, you will find a partner who is willing to love not only you, but all your children as well- both biological and adopted- and love them equally.
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u/Fun-Frosting-5673 2d ago
The way he reacted to you being pregnant again… that would be enough for me to wanna leave
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u/Happyfun0160 2d ago
Nta, he’s using this pregnancy as a way to get another adopted kid into the picture. Neglecting his bio kid in favor of those he sees as someone like himself.
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u/SivakoTaronyutstew 1d ago
He sees the pregnancy as some kind of transaction. Which is insanely fucked up.
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u/BroadElderberry 2d ago
Just wanted to tell you, you're such an awesome mom to see the individual beauty in both of your kids.
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u/TeaDidikai 2d ago
With Julia, the experience was different for sure but I still loved it. I got to watch her go from this shy, scared little girl to this energetic, outgoing kid who can’t sit still.
I can tell you have a lot of love for Julia and you have a lot of feelings around your jealousy/guilt towards her.
You really need to work through those with a therapist.
Unless you address them in a healthy way, you'll end up being a mirror of your husband's trauma, wherein your relationship with Julia suffers as you try to protect your other children from your husband's neglect.
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u/l3ex_G 2d ago
Nta calling your wife a bitch when she points out favortism sounds like the marriage is dead. He just views you as what you can do for him and not as his wife and mother of his children. Your marriage isn’t good right now. Divorce him for being a bad husband not just how he is treating the kids.
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u/Rhubarbalicious 2d ago
He's clearly unfit to be a parent in anyway. He doesn't even love his own child. Take Rosie AND Julie and get full custody.
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u/mcclgwe 2d ago
The hardest part is that his feelings/approach to Julia have nothing to do with the child, the small person she is. It's a very regressive self absorbed state of mind. I'm so sorry. You'll work out your difficult emotions and love them all and together you'll heal away from him.
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u/Unikorn_Paws 2d ago
Love your comment. It’s this EXACTLY. He should have had therapy before he had kids, and is in desperate need of it now. His family is suffering and all he can think of is the small child he once was. He’s a man and a father now, grow up dude.
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u/Wise_Entertainer_970 2d ago
Question: did your husband calm down when he saw the girls? What did they hear?
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
He didn’t calm down when he saw the girls but he stopped using harsh language/yelling. The argument was still going. As for how much the girls heard, I don’t know. We were in the kitchen and my daughters were upstairs in their bedrooms. I didn’t expect him to shout which is why I didn’t drop them off at their grandparents or anything. I heard Julia crying and looked over to the staircase, where I could see Rosie’s head and then found Julia crying. No idea how long they were there for.
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u/Alternative-Dig-2066 2d ago
Oh dear lord. Your poor little girls hearing that hurts my heart. They will definitely both need your love and professional therapy. You sound like an amazing mom, and I wish you all well.
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u/kymrIII 2d ago
Assume they heard everything. Kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for. This is some serious emotional trauma that they will remember - and internalize. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The best intentions on his part can still be toxic. You are absolutely right in your thinking
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u/Goof_Troop_Pumpkin 2d ago
That’s…so sad. If they heard any of that argument and grasped it, both of them are devastated. Julia could feel horrible, like it’s her fault her parents are fighting, and Rosie could be just crushed. As crushed as a five year old can get. This explosion was not your fault. Your husband is behaving absolutely disgracefully. He should feel shame when he’s told his daughter misses him because he won’t spend time with her. He WILL damage both his daughters and possibly their relationship with each other with this behavior. I’m disgusted.
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u/Winter_Series_5598 2d ago
If you go the divorce route please contact the adoption agency and let them know the situation so he doesn't keep bringing in more kids into this situation. They may not care as so many kids need homes but hopefully they take it seriously as it may not seem like it but favoritism can be damaging to a child and the child's relationship with other siblings. If you chose to stay demand counseling. He definitely has issues stemming from his adoption. Get your daughter's in counseling to. Calling your one daughter selfish because she wants her daddy to love her is going to be damaging. Plus if needed they are the only ones who can testify in court on the behalf of your child besides a court mediator or court appointed attorney for the children.
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u/AViewWithNoWindows 1d ago
Seriously- the absolutely innocence of that statement from Rosie... and then to turn around and act like a 5 year old is being manipulative and selfish by saying that is fucking unreal. He's profoundly out of touch with reality if that's really how he feels. Insane. She's barely older than a fucking toddler!!!
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u/DeliriousHag 2d ago
NTA. As a child who was also adopted (my two siblings and I were adopted, I was 10, b8, s18mo, luckily got to stay together❤️) and became one of SEVEN siblings, where the favoritism game would be so much easier (because cmon, that’s a lot of kids! 🤣 we drove an old church van to fit everyone!). Your husband will ABSOLUTELY mess all three of them up playing favorites. My dad was a neutral party but my mom played favorites and that lead to a lot of broken hearts and fighting amongst us kids. Her playing favorites made it so much harder to bond with my siblings because of the resentment that would build up (no permanent favorites, it changed based on different things). It also made my mental health issues from my bio parents ABSOLUTELY amplified, even when I WAS the favorite child. If he cannot treat them equally and help build bonds between sisters and your family, he doesn’t need to be there. My mom left for almost a year and during that year, my siblings and I became so much closer than we had ever been, even my biological siblings and I. My family had a lot of issues, not to say that yours would absolutely be better without him, my entire family (I was adopted by my paternal uncle and my aunt) had mental health issues, and yours may not. Everyone is different, but if you feel like this is right for your girls, go for it. Or try a separation period first, like my family did.
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
I’m glad you and your siblings got to stay together! We fostered a pair of twins (boy and girl) for a short time. It broke my heart to see them go, but I just know they’re out there somewhere and being awesome kids!
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u/Careless-Ability-748 2d ago
Your husband is a jerk to Rosie. She's 5, he came really expect her to understand him treating her sister differently, which he shouldn't be doing anyway.
Nta
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u/sofacouch813 2d ago
Because of my job I have a very warped sense of the world, but I read this and think he’s acting really fucking creepy. Why does he want to spend time with a young girl who’s already vulnerable due to her prior experience in the foster care system? And to react so strongly when confronted? When people get that defensive, resorting to name calling like that, it’s usually because they know what they’re doing is wrong. Deflecting is a common tactic for pedophiles when they’ve confronted.
If he really wanted something normal for her, why the fuck wouldn’t he want to show them she’s just like his biological daughter? Treating them equally? I see his actions and behaviors as grooming.
I’m not saying it’s true, or that I’m right. I’m hopefully wrong because this is the worst case scenario. The “best” is that he’s super fucked up and should’ve never adopted to begin with. But the fact that this was his lifelong goal and that he was so driven… yikes. Very strange to me.
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
You’re not the only person to suggest or draw that conclusion, don’t worry.
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u/fatgirllust 2d ago
You need to dig deeper and make sure he hasn't been molesting Julia.
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u/outintheyard 2d ago
Everything you said stood out to me as well. Don't forget that he is also spending time alone with Julia and not taking OP OR Rosie.
He has no excitement for the new baby (do we know gender, I wonder?) and is already wanting to foster more kids. Maybe he has a specific age that he prefers and Julia will soon age out?
This whole thing makes my skin crawl and the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes. Run, OP! Take both of your girls and leave.
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u/SunshineAndSquats 1d ago
This post triggered alarms bells for me as well. Why wouldn’t he want to take both daughters with him? Why is he only wanting to spend alone time with the adopted child? Why is he only excited about more foster children and not the one his wife is pregnant with? Lots of red flags.
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u/Abject_Director7626 2d ago
NTA You can’t really ultimatum someone into loving someone else. Also, would that make you happy? Wondering if he’s only going fair in front of you, and because of threats? Definitely just proceed with your lawyer. I’m curious if he’ll even seek shared custody of your bio child.
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u/Misa7_2006 2d ago
More than likely he will fight more to keep Julia than his own. He sees himself as some foster savior and without therapy it will only get worse. If he balks, walk.
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u/Traditional-Panda-84 2d ago
"Wondering if he’s only going fair in front of you, and because of threats?"
100% this. And I would wonder how he'd treat the children when OP isn't around to police his behavior. Which she shouldn't have to be doing, but he's set the stage for this.
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u/RandomReddit9791 2d ago edited 2d ago
Just go ahead with the divorce. Your husband sees nothing wrong with his behavior and clearly needs therapy himself. Divorce won't keep Rosie from continuing to see her dad's preference for Julia, but at least she won't be constantly reminded of it since he wont be living in the same house.
Edit: typos
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u/AdIntrepid4978 2d ago
NTA and your husband seems like he may be a danger to Rosie / pregnant baby. He’s so focussed on “adopting” and giving “more love” that he is & will causing harm to his bio kid.
Honestly, I’d be cautious about visitation during the divorce process. He’ll either try to get Rosie to “see Daddy needs to give more love to kids like your sister” and try to get her to “talk to mommy. Mommy doesn’t love you or kids. Mommy doesn’t want to help other kids who need mommies & daddies”
I’d suggest you really think about putting a visitation plan together. And make a key part of the plan that he has to take both girls at the same time & provide the same to each while with him”
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u/SocksAndPi 2d ago
And talk to the adoption agency, he needs to be stopped from adopting again, because he's emotionally abusing those kids and he shouldn't be allowed to trap more in his mess.
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u/Ok_Distribution_2603 2d ago
The fact that it is affecting your (bio) daughter to the point you described and your STBX is just making excuses means it’s probably time to move on with things. It appears your resentment toward your adopted child is not connected to her but to the poisoned well filled with your husband’s unresolved trauma. Since you’re in therapy and addressing it, I expect things will improve once he’s out of the center of the picture.
Sorry, edited to add: NTA.
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u/Villain-in-Training 2d ago
NTA. Being in foster care is without a doubt traumatic for a child, but the same thing goes for a biological child that feels unloved or ignored by a parent. Both experiences leave scars in the heart and soul of a child.
I'm very hesitant to suggest to a person i don't know that they should go forward with divorce, but i think your whole family could benefit from a temporary separation. Right now your husband is constantly crossing lines with his unequal parenting of the girls. The longer this behavior continues the harder it gets to feel love and respect for a spouse.
Maybe him moving out and starting marriage counseling at the same time, could be helpful to save your marriage. For me it sound that your husband would most likely benefit from talking to a therapist about his strong feelings about fostering and adoption.
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u/Mediocre-Tadpole-285 2d ago
NTA file and immediately request a guardian ad litem. If he has the girls 50%, he will absolutely worsen his treatment of Rosie, and this will end up messing all of the children up even more. Please put the kids first and get them in a healthy environment and insist on him undergoing intense treatment.
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u/Fabulous-Shallot1413 2d ago
You have to leave him. I'm not saying divorce yet, but he needs to feel the gravity of what he is doing. BOTH of your daughters deserve to feel fully loved. Your daughter is already feeling what its like to not be loved by her father and him calling her selfish is beyond disgusting. He needs to feel the emptiness of his life for treating one better than he other,
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u/Lula_mlb 2d ago
NTA your husband needs therapy. Idk if divorce is the solution but he is/will mess your bio kids life badly unless he gets help.
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u/dembowthennow 2d ago
NTA. Your husband clearly has some deep-rooted issues he needs to work out with the help of a therapist, but in the meantime your children are suffering, and the well-being of the children take priority over your husband. This is a difficult choice, but it is the correct choice.
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u/chez2202 2d ago
NTA, and don’t let his actions destroy your relationship with Julia. He has already destroyed his own relationship with Rosie and you can’t trust him to treat your new baby any better. I cannot understand how a man who wants to give other abandoned children the life he never had is unable to treat his biological children with the same generosity of heart. Just remember that you are Julia’s mother, Rosie’s mother and your soon to be baby’s mother. You have the stability of being the owner of your property and the higher earner. Fight for your children. ALL of them. You will win and you will be able to show all of your children that loving them equally is what makes a family. Julia will be in a much better place with you than with your husband who in my opinion is using her to change his story.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 2d ago
Has he ever been to counselling to process his experiences in the care system? He definitely needs to start it if he hasn’t because he will still have a role in the lives of your children if you divorce.
During that argument he never once said ‘you’re the love of my life, please don’t leave me’, never once. It was about how you’re thwarting his ‘life goal’ of fostering and how he’s bio daughter, aged just 5 years old and missing her Daddy, is selfish for wanting to be loved by him in the same way her sister is. How heartbreaking is that? Instead of reflecting on his treatment of Rosie he doubled down. Shouting so loudly, with your two children in the house, that he reduces them both to tears. How is that in any way being a caring Father to either daughter?
I think it’s time to go for divorce. I know that Redditors are famous for saying that but his behaviour is so deeply concerning and he is causing Rosie real psychological harm. Your husband’s fixation with fostering has become a deeply unhealthy obsession.
You need to be exceptionally careful about your physical safety because he knows there’s every chance you’ll leave him now and he can’t foster alone on his salary. It could be his breaking point. Can you move out temporarily with the children to somewhere he doesn’t know? Just until the divorce process starts. You can meet in public places to exchange the children.
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u/HoshiJones 2d ago
I think that as sad as it is, he's a terrible father and you're right to leave him. Not to mention his horrible reaction to your feelings and concerns.
NTA.
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u/alliebiscuit 2d ago
File ASAP and start packing his things. He answered your ultimatum with his reaction.
NTA
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u/Willing_Reaction_381 2d ago
NTA. This is a tough one. Obviously your husbands blatant favoritism is bad and you know that. Causing his daughter to question his love for her is a sad and sobering realization. I’m suprised that didn’t whip him into shape. It sounds like he’s projecting how he felt in his childhood onto Julia and feels like he can relate for her a little more? But the way it’s impacting his behavior is unacceptable. You however shouldn’t resent Julia. The source of that is your husbands behavior not her. If you don’t want to be like your husband, you should keep that in check
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
I know I shouldn’t resent Julia. I promise I treat her just like Rosie. Tell her I love her, kiss her, tuck her into bed, cuddle, play together, go to her events. I 100% understand that my husband is the problem and not Julia. She’s a delight to have around, and (though I probably shouldn’t) I love it when she has a little trouble in school so I can tutor her and watch her get so excited when she can complete homework/reading on her own. She’s my daughter and I love her as such. For me, the resentment is something that I feel at night or after a big fight with my husband. Never something that Julia has done or acted as. So I will be doing my best to fix this problem.
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u/SoMoistlyMoist 2d ago
It seems your husband's Foster life has led him to believe that bio children are less important and less worthy of love than foster kids. I'm sure that's how he felt as a kid. But he needs therapy to dig out his own issues with this, but you're not going to be able to fix him and if your daughter is questioning why Daddy doesn't love me, it's definitely time to just jump with both feet and make a change. I got five bucks that says he wants to take Julia more often than Rosie. My heart aches a little for you, this is so tough and single motherhood is not easy but it seems like you're going to be able to smash it.
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u/Willing_Reaction_381 2d ago
And don’t beat yourself up. I don’t mean it to come for you and I know it’s hard to control those thoughts even if they are dark and now who you really want to be. It would be good to prob talk that out with a professional. You sound like a wonderful mother and I think it’s cute that you look forward to helping Julia w her school work. It will work out, sorry if I came off too mean
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u/Critical-Physics-999 2d ago
Not mean at all. It’s good you’re addressing my resentment. I have thought about going to a professional, I just need to find the time. June has been a very busy month getting our kids adjusted to their new childcare routine now that school is out, so hopefully I’ll be able to find sometime in July to start going.
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u/Indy-Lib 2d ago
Good parents don’t have a perfect inner monologue of love every minute. Good parents just manage their internal feelings separately from how they express their love for their kids. Don’t beat yourself up about these conflicted feelings. If you are still outwardly loving your kids you are being a great parent. And that’s actually the exact struggle your husband can’t manage. I’m sorry.
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u/chicharrones_yum 2d ago
NTA tell him HE is abandoning his bio daughter by favoring the other one and is giving her trauma. Ask him what kind of father does that?
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u/YourDadCallsMeKatja 2d ago
NTA except for the part about wanting 50-50 custody. If you're leaving him because he's a horrible dad who is actively harming both of your daughters, you need to have a plan in place to protect them. What will you do when he gets 50-50 but starts only picking up Julia? Or takes them both but abuses Rosie and traumatizes Julia by openly favouring her?
Talk to your lawyer about your concerns and get ready to fight for your kids' best interest like a good mom. Ask your lawyer if you can have a custody order that says he can only see the kids together or not at all. Look into full custody with supervised visits only for him until he can be a safe parent. Find out how likely you are to lose if he refuses an agreement. Consider that custody trials can take forever and you might only get a quick 10 minute emergency hearing to settle what happens in the interim. You have to have that motion ready to go before you even talk to him about divorce. Look into getting reports from the kids' therapists to document the impacts of his behaviour. Same from anyone at school who might have noticed. Get witnesses ready to back you up. Document everything.
Consider how he will react. He clearly has some serious mental health issues that aren't resolved. Divorce and the prospect of putting Julia through instability might send him over the edge. You need a safety plan.
The new pregnancy is a whole other headache as well. Obviously, custody for a baby isn't the same as an older kid. If you choose to continue this pregnancy knowing the dad will 100% hate this baby too, you need to plan for that as well.
I'm not trying to alarm you, but this situation is a mess that cannot be fixed with an amicable 50/50 custody divorce. You need to assume the worst and prepare for it.
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u/NationalBanjo 2d ago
NTA tell him he's abandoned his daughter the same way his parents abandoned him. See if that puts a spark under his ass
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u/dncrmom 2d ago
So Julia needs more love and attention because she was abandoned by her parents, the same thing your husband is doing to Rosie. He needs to be in therapy. NTA