r/AITAH • u/Critical-Physics-999 • 4d ago
AITA for refusing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?
I, 33F, met my husband during university. A mutual friend of ours set us up, and we hit it off instantly. My husband made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future and that if I wasn’t okay with it, I would be gone. For context, my husband was adopted when he was 7 and wanted to do the same for others. I also made it clear that I wanted biological children as well, which he was okay with. We ended up married after two years of dating, and both completed our degrees.
We currently have two daughters, Rosie5(bio) and Julia7(adopted). We started fostering when my bio daughter was a newborn and adopted Julia around year ago. Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family.
However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores. I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point. Rosie and Julia are both smart, beautiful, joyous girls. Rosie is both in ballet and gymnastics, highly advanced for her grade level, but has a hard time making friends. Julia has started cheerleading, makes lots of friends, but she does struggle a bit in school, which my husband uses as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie.
I’m currently three months pregnant with our third child, and my husbands reaction to finding out was “when can we start fostering again?” Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and he said nearly everything would be in my favor. We have a prenuptial agreement that allows us to keep nearly everything separate. The house is in my name, we have two separate bank accounts and one joint account, which would be split, I would not be required to pay alimony, and keep one of our cars. My husband would be getting most if not all of our retirement account. Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him. The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him. After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce. He was enraged after this, screaming about how I’m a b*tch for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system. That our daughter (Rosie) was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did. My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once. Finally, my husband stopped yelling and I could put the girls back to bed. But I have to admit, I’ve started to resent Julia. I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts. However I’m afraid if something happens again I’ll snap and I don’t want to shout at my daughters or husband. I have both girls in therapy already (Julia needs it because of her past, and we had Rosie go when started fostering.) Any advice is appreciated, as well as criticism. I’m also willing to answer any questions. So AITA?
Also- these are fake names for my daughter’s privacy as well as a throwaway account.
Edit1: Paragraphs
Edit 2: Concerning what would happen in the possibility of divorce, we had a prenup because I come from a wealthy family.
Edit 3: Rosie went to developmental therapy before traditional therapy. It was to make sure she wasn’t being affecting by kids coming in/out of the house if she gets attached to them. She now goes to a traditional therapist, so she has an adult to speak with outside of family.
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u/rocklandguy324 4d ago
NTA, your husband in his trauma, has determined that his daughter should suffer in a way her sister did to teach her a lesson. What he's really doing is showing he still has not healed from his past and is going to abuse his kids in some misguided attempt to save himself by proxy of your adopted daughter regardlessof how it effects his other daughteror his marriage. His response to your pregnancy was telling as it seems his plan is for every bio kid you all will adopt 1 as well when he can't even balance his responsibilities now. I don't always go for divorce for but his reaction to you should be a huge red flag, he took no responsibility for his actions and blamed a child for wanting their father to love them. Protect your children at all costs from him and his bullshit.