AITA for refusing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?

[u/Critical-Physics-999]

I, 33F, met my husband during university. A mutual friend of ours set us up, and we hit it off instantly. My husband made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future and that if I wasn’t okay with it, I would be gone. For context, my husband was adopted when he was 7 and wanted to do the same for others. I also made it clear that I wanted biological children as well, which he was okay with. We ended up married after two years of dating, and both completed our degrees.

We currently have two daughters, Rosie5(bio) and Julia7(adopted). We started fostering when my bio daughter was a newborn and adopted Julia around year ago. Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family.

However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores. I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point. Rosie and Julia are both smart, beautiful, joyous girls. Rosie is both in ballet and gymnastics, highly advanced for her grade level, but has a hard time making friends. Julia has started cheerleading, makes lots of friends, but she does struggle a bit in school, which my husband uses as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie.

I’m currently three months pregnant with our third child, and my husbands reaction to finding out was “when can we start fostering again?” Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move.

I contacted a divorce lawyer and he said nearly everything would be in my favor. We have a prenuptial agreement that allows us to keep nearly everything separate. The house is in my name, we have two separate bank accounts and one joint account, which would be split, I would not be required to pay alimony, and keep one of our cars. My husband would be getting most if not all of our retirement account. Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him. The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him. After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce. He was enraged after this, screaming about how I’m a b*tch for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system. That our daughter (Rosie) was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did. My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once. Finally, my husband stopped yelling and I could put the girls back to bed. But I have to admit, I’ve started to resent Julia. I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts. However I’m afraid if something happens again I’ll snap and I don’t want to shout at my daughters or husband. I have both girls in therapy already (Julia needs it because of her past, and we had Rosie go when started fostering.) Any advice is appreciated, as well as criticism. I’m also willing to answer any questions. So AITA?

Also- these are fake names for my daughter’s privacy as well as a throwaway account.

Edit1: Paragraphs

Edit 2: Concerning what would happen in the possibility of divorce, we had a prenup because I come from a wealthy family.

Edit 3: Rosie went to developmental therapy before traditional therapy. It was to make sure she wasn’t being affecting by kids coming in/out of the house if she gets attached to them. She now goes to a traditional therapist, so she has an adult to speak with outside of family.

[u/Critical-Physics-999]

You’re not the only person to suggest or draw that conclusion, don’t worry.

[u/fatgirllust → u/Critical-Physics-999]

You need to dig deeper and make sure he hasn't been molesting Julia.

[u/caoutchoucroute → u/fatgirllust]

That's also where my mind went. I'm glad you're able to acknowledge this possibility, OP.

[u/OpportunityCalm6825 → u/fatgirllust]

Child grooming is possible.

[u/hissing-fauna → u/Critical-Physics-999]

What are your thoughts when people bring it up as a possibility?

[u/Critical-Physics-999 → u/hissing-fauna]

I wasn’t too concerned at first, but so many people have had this same thought, it’s kinda getting to me. My girls had doctors appointments not too long ago and no signs of abuse were brought up, but maybe I’ll have to go back and get my girls checked.

[u/CaterpillarNo6583 → u/Critical-Physics-999]

Not to scare you, but this exact scenario recently happened in my home town and the adoptive dad was grooming the adoptive daughter. It was discovered before actual P in V penetration, but there many, many other interactions that were horrifying to hear about. He felt “safe” abusing her because it “wasn’t really incest” since she wasn’t blood related. He too, singled her out from her siblings that were his actual bio children (she was the only one adopted). One of the most horrifying details is the mom had recently discovered what was happening, but instead of calling the police on her POS pedophile husband, she began treating this young girl like “the other woman” and began verbally abusing her.

[u/Swimming_Soup4946 → u/Critical-Physics-999]

Get nanny cams. You want to catch something now before it's too late. Trust me. 20yrs since mine ended and I still struggle

[u/Zestyclose_Control64 → u/Critical-Physics-999]

It may or may not be physical abuse, definitely have them checked. But any time a parent picks a favorite and rejects the other child, it is going to mess up both children. Rosie wants to know why daddy doesn't love her. Tell her to ask Daddy that question and see how he answers. She's going through her life thinking daddy doesn't love her because of something she did. Julia may feel free to abuse Rosie herself because it's okay with Daddy. Or she may develop severe anxiety because if she ever lets Daddy down, he'll stop loving her like he did Rosie.

Don't let him treat the girls like that. He's being a very bad parent to both girls. He can give Julia one on one time if he also gives Rosie one on one time. Though it should probably be supervised for awhile until he figures himself out. Definitely don't let him bring more fosters or adoptees into this. Is he going to favor fosters over both girls because they don't have adopted parents? Your husband is a hot mess and needs help.

[u/robinblackcat → u/Critical-Physics-999]

Also how did he treat Rosie before Julia came along?

[u/dm_me_target_finds → u/Critical-Physics-999]

A couple hidden nanny cams is the answer. Go with your gut, too.