r/AITAH • u/Critical-Physics-999 • 4d ago

AITA for refusing to adopt another child and possibly divorcing my husband over it?

I, 33F, met my husband during university. A mutual friend of ours set us up, and we hit it off instantly. My husband made it immediately clear that he wanted to foster/adopt children in the future and that if I wasn’t okay with it, I would be gone. For context, my husband was adopted when he was 7 and wanted to do the same for others. I also made it clear that I wanted biological children as well, which he was okay with. We ended up married after two years of dating, and both completed our degrees.

We currently have two daughters, Rosie5(bio) and Julia7(adopted). We started fostering when my bio daughter was a newborn and adopted Julia around year ago. Since then, we stopped fostering and chose to focus on our family.

However, I’ve noticed my husband clearly favors Julia over Rosie. He takes her out for bonding time but either leaves my daughter or drops her off somewhere else. He doesn’t tuck Rosie into bed anymore, he doesn’t make an effort to go to her events, and he practically ignores her when she’s at home, unless it’s to do something for him like chores. I’ve brought this up constantly to him and I’m at my breaking point. Rosie and Julia are both smart, beautiful, joyous girls. Rosie is both in ballet and gymnastics, highly advanced for her grade level, but has a hard time making friends. Julia has started cheerleading, makes lots of friends, but she does struggle a bit in school, which my husband uses as an excuse to not pay attention to Rosie.

I’m currently three months pregnant with our third child, and my husbands reaction to finding out was “when can we start fostering again?” Two weeks ago, my daughter asked me “why doesn’t daddy love me anymore” and that was when I knew the problem wouldn’t be fixed unless I made a drastic move.

I contacted a divorce lawyer and he said nearly everything would be in my favor. We have a prenuptial agreement that allows us to keep nearly everything separate. The house is in my name, we have two separate bank accounts and one joint account, which would be split, I would not be required to pay alimony, and keep one of our cars. My husband would be getting most if not all of our retirement account. Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him. The situation is ideal for me, besides me paying child support, assuming my husband would even be able to support our kids with 50/50 custody. I have no intention of keeping our daughters from him. After speaking with my lawyer I gave my husband an ultimatum, treat both our children equal or I would be filing for divorce. He was enraged after this, screaming about how I’m a b*tch for trying to ruin his life goals and saying how I don’t understand what it’s like for children who experienced the foster care system. That our daughter (Rosie) was selfish and she needed to understand why Julia needed more attention than she did. My girls ended up waking up from the noise and came downstairs crying. At this point I was both trying to calm my husband down and comfort my girls all at once. Finally, my husband stopped yelling and I could put the girls back to bed. But I have to admit, I’ve started to resent Julia. I know very well it’s not her fault and I don’t let that affect how I treat my girls, but I sometimes find myself laying awake at night wondering how it would be if we just didn’t have her. I always imagine myself with a toddler and our last one on the way, my husband loving all our kids, being so kind the way he used to. Again, I do not blame Julia whatsoever and I’m very ashamed of these thoughts. However I’m afraid if something happens again I’ll snap and I don’t want to shout at my daughters or husband. I have both girls in therapy already (Julia needs it because of her past, and we had Rosie go when started fostering.) Any advice is appreciated, as well as criticism. I’m also willing to answer any questions. So AITA?

Also- these are fake names for my daughter’s privacy as well as a throwaway account.

Edit1: Paragraphs

Edit 2: Concerning what would happen in the possibility of divorce, we had a prenup because I come from a wealthy family.

Edit 3: Rosie went to developmental therapy before traditional therapy. It was to make sure she wasn’t being affecting by kids coming in/out of the house if she gets attached to them. She now goes to a traditional therapist, so she has an adult to speak with outside of family.

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u/miyuki_m 4d ago

NTA. He has so much empathy for Julia but absolutely none for Rosie. It's as though he thinks only adopted children deserve to be loved.

Unless he can get it through his head that Rosie deserves love just as much as Julia does, you have to leave him to protect Rosie.

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u/PM_ME_YOUR_PUPUSA 4d ago

Completely agree. Rosie deserves to feel loved and valued just as much as Julia.

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u/FakeMagic8Ball 3d ago

If he loved Julia as much as he says he does, he'd want her to be treated the same as the biological children so she wasn't made to feel "different" and "special". Being in a loving home being treated like a bio child is the best thing he can do for her. I'm guessing she wants to feel loved and accepted by everyone, including her adopted siblings and wouldn't want them feeling resentful of her presence.

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u/bendybiznatch 3d ago

And it’s not good for Julia either. It’s effectively robbing her of her sibling experience.

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u/Acidflare1 3d ago

Hopefully it’s not a Woody Allen situation brewing

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u/annemdz 3d ago

Sadly not out of the realm of possibility

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u/Aidrox 3d ago edited 3d ago

This is an assumption based off an account that says she resents Julia. Maybe OP is doing some projecting, and doesn’t treat the girls as equals because Rosie is “her daughter” and Julia isn’t. As an adoptee himself, the husband may be noticing. Wonder what the husbands side is; I’m guessing he’d be attuned to some things given his background.

The mom is actively dreaming of what it would be like if they just never had Julia. Wouldn’t be shocking if Julia and the husband could sense a shift in moms personality, or maybe it’s been there the whole time and mom is bringing to come to terms with it and say it out loud.

Edit: you can downvote and disagree, but I’d prefer to hear why you think what I suggested doesn’t make sense. This seems like the kind of story with two sides and I could see everyone on Reddit taking the side of Julia and the husband if he wrote about a wife who disfavors and adopted daughter, and he being an adoptee feels for her and then feels the mom is using Rosie to drive a wedge. There’s a calculation to this mother that seems odd. Her daughter allegedly says why doesn’t daddy love me and the first move is a divorce lawyer? That’s odd!

Then, she knows the divorce will leave him worse off-she seems focused on how well off she’ll be and how she’ll be fine-to the point where he will not be able to adopt more children and this is ideal for her. She wants to divorce him and make sure he doesn’t adopt more kids? These don’t sound like good person moves.

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u/turnup_for_what 3d ago

She wants to divorce him and make sure he doesn’t adopt more kids? These don’t sound like good person moves.

I mean he can't handle the two he has. A good person wouldn't be wanting to give him more.

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u/Acceptable-Writer-72 2d ago

He can still try to adopt but probably won't be approved because he doesn't make a lot of money and can't support them. I'm sure he'll find another woman to help him.

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u/Aidrox 3d ago edited 3d ago

These are the words of an angry, biased OP. She doesn’t really provide any examples to consider. She doesn’t really provide any examples of how she and her husband attempted to communicate about or reconcile this issue. It feels like OPs husband can make similar unsupported retorts. The kids are in therapy, what about OP or her husband or both of them together or all 4? Odd to go to a divorce attorney first, make sure you secure your wealth and your husbands inability to maintain the same life style, and then making ultimatums before going to therapy or a marriage counselor. Sort of sounds like she secured the stronger bargaining position and dropped an ultimatum. That’s the nuclear option and it sounds like she went there before marriage counseling.

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u/TheTwilightMexican 2d ago

She wants to divorce him and make sure he doesn’t adopt more kids? These don’t sound like good person moves.

She said in precise words that she doesn't want to do that to him. You raised fair questions until you buried them beneath bizarre distortions.

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u/Aidrox 2d ago

I think you have that backwards. In precise words she said she wants him broke so he cannot adopt more kids.

Which part is distortion?

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u/TheTwilightMexican 2d ago

She said precisely the opposite, though?

Considering I make a substantial amount more than my husband, (250k a year while he makes around 55k) I would be able to continue our lifestyle while he wouldn’t. It also would likely prevent him from adopting more children in the future, which I don’t want to do to him.

What she wrote legitimately couldn't be more the opposite of what you're summarizing it as.

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u/Aidrox 2d ago

You know what, I totally misread that. I read that as “which I don’t what him to” as opposed to “which I don’t want to do to him.” I have based some of what I argued based on that, so, I have to apologize. I still think much of what I was positing is being overlooked by a lot of people. And she does seem to secure her disproportionate bargains position to ensure it really hurts him if he doesn’t concede to her and proceed to a divorce attorney without, first, trying to compromise and to go to therapy. That doesn’t scream “loving relationship.” It seems calculated, maybe callous. The question is she the AH, and I’m getting some AH vibes here. I mean anyone giving an ultimatum is at risk of being an AH. Husband may be too. Both can be.

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u/TheTwilightMexican 2d ago

It definitely sounds like something turning into a volatile situation, and I'm sure there are multiple factors playing into that.

Sorry about the misunderstanding.

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

This is true - as an adoptee myself, mothers always favour their biological kids. It was her idea to adopt me and my brother but when she decided she did want biological children after all, me and my bro were the scapegoat and she loved her “real kids” more. They ALWAYS will. Even without abuse or conscious thought, a mother will priories the child she grew instead of the one she bought. Sad to say it like that but it’s honest. It’s just the objective truth. Fathers can be more detached because they don’t experience parenthood through growing it.

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u/jordank_1991 3d ago

I’m gonna have to disagree with the always favor portion of that sentence. Cause I assure you my bio mom did not and still does not give a fuck about me. But the woman that raised me? Shoot that woman would have burned the world down for me. She died 6 years ago and it’s the hardest death I’ve been hit with over the last 7 years and there have been plenty. Not everyone gets lucky, but some of us were born to the unlucky and given to the lucky.

ETA: what I mean is “always” shouldn’t be a part of the sentence. It should be “some”. Your adoptive parents suck. My bio mom knew where I was all the time and gave zero fucks. Cause my bio dad and my dad were brothers so it’s not like she couldn’t find me.

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

Your situation is literally nothing like what I’m talking about lmao

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u/jordank_1991 3d ago

Obviously that’s the point. You said “the mother always favors the bio kid” and I’m telling you that your statement is false and following it up with proof. You don’t get to speak for every kid of adoption and you certainly don’t get to speak for all adoptive mothers.

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

I’m specifically talking about mothers who adopt and have bio kids aswell - you know like the actual original topic? But you know… ☕️

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u/jordank_1991 3d ago

My mom had bio kids. I was not her bio kid. The topic.

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u/Aidrox 3d ago

Not trying to take anything away from your point. I think he’s saying that using your bio mom to assert that “it isn’t the case that bio moms always care” isn’t an analogous situation. If you say your adopted mother never favored her biological children over you, you are on point.

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u/Snailpics 3d ago

I’m really sorry that was your experience, but I don’t think it’s accurate or fair to say ALL adoptee situations are like this. Many have really great and profound relationships with their adoptive parents and siblings. Parents who adopt have potential to be the shittiest people or the best, and all things in between, just like bio parents do. I am not saying the experience of being adopted vs bio is the same because it absolutely is not, but how positive relationships between parents varies wildly in both situations. My best friend who is an adoptee adores her parents and says she has very little desire to meet her biological parents because she had a really great and happy childhood. I have a different best friend who was not adopted and genuinely wishes he had never been born or wishes he was given to another family because of how horrible his parents are. I know people who are the opposite too. It is truly dependent on the individual situation. Again, I am so sorry you went through that and I hope you’re able to find love and happiness ❤️

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

I don’t care about your friend’s experience, your opinion on the matter is irrelevant since it’s got nothing to do with you. You have no place to speak on this.

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u/Snailpics 3d ago

And it’s your place to completely project your own situation onto OP? I’m not saying it’s not what’s happening here but it isn’t necessarily the case. What happened to you is awful but it’s not a universal truth. If you don’t care about other adoptees experiences that don’t align with your own, it is something you might wish to reflect on.

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

Literally no one here commented was an adoptee but go off sweetie

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u/Laytchie 3d ago

It's like he thinks it's a zero-sum game, and he has to ration his love for his children. 3 cups for Julia and 1 cup for Rosie. If he loves Rosie any more, it reduces the amount of love available for Julia.

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u/ClassicConflicts 3d ago

I mean it is to some degree. Time spent with one child means time not spent with the other. I have 4 myself and am a SAHD and it's definitely a difficult balancing act that needs to be consciously thought about trying to make sure that you aren't unfairly distributing your time. My first born recieved more love from me than my youngest because my time didn't get split between multiple children. That doesn't mean I actually love the other kids less just that they get to see proportionally less of that love because they don't get as much of my time/energy as the older kids did when they were young.

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u/BudandCoyote 3d ago

I wouldn't equate 'time spent' with love though. While a child may grow up unhappy they didn't get as much time with a parent as a sibling, if you love them equally, they know it. I was one of three, and one of my brothers definitely got the most time with my dad, because he did a lot of sports, and it was my dad who took him to matches, took him to purchase equipment etc... but none of us ever felt like he loved us any less.

Kudos on working as hard as you can to balance between your four though - just because time and love aren't the same thing, doesn't mean it's not important to be as fair as possible. They'll know you love them all. I'm sure you tell them often :-).

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u/ClassicConflicts 3d ago

This is just not true, it sounds like you had enough time to feel loved and that's great but it doesn't mean that it's not zero-sum. There is a threshold where it doesnt matter how much you love them, if you dont spend enough time with them they wont be able to feel that love and if you split your time in the wrong way that is a possibility. 

My dad was the youngest of 8. My grandma was an amazing woman and my dad respects everything she did for the family, she really did her best but my dad and the 2 sibling above him never really felt her love the way the other siblings did. She tried to show it but her time was just split too thin. The older kids had enough one on one time before the other kids came along so they were more assured but they still struggled since the newborn would always take priority. 

None of the kids ended up having deep relationships with her because most of their lives she was prioritizing someone else. My dad being the youngest ended up closest with her because once the other kids grew up and moved out he had a few solid years where it was just him and his parents.

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u/jess1804 3d ago

But when you had other children you were as equal as possible with your time, love and attention correct?

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u/ClassicConflicts 3d ago

Not at first, it took adjusting. I'm not justifying ops husband in any way by the way but it is a zero-sum game in a way because time is a zero-sum resource and the more time you have with someone the more you possible times to show that you love them. This is why it's very common that people who have partners who work all the time begin to feel unloved, because their partner is not around to show them that they do love them.

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u/Indy-Lib 4d ago

Yeah. It’s like he thinks bio kids don’t need ACTIVE love and parenting too because they are in a family with their bio parents- as if that’s enough for any kid. Ugh this is so sad.

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u/invisiblizm 3d ago

I think youve hit it, and that translates into the marital relationship too. I wonder how much he resents OP for not being adopted, and how much he assumes she needs no love or support. Notice his reaction to divorce wasn't about losing OP, but how she serves his purpose.

NTA/NTAH

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u/Significant_Shoe_17 3d ago

Notice how fostering/adoption was non-negotiable going into the marriage

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u/invisiblizm 3d ago

I kind of get that, kids/no kids are a non-negotiable for many people. Bit you should at least care if the partner is there too!

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u/Fresh-Guarantee-757 2d ago

Happy Cake Day! 🎂

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u/invisiblizm 2d ago

Thanks!

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u/karla64_46alrak 3d ago

Actually to protect both girls. He’s not doing Julia any favors either.

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u/BellaSquared 4d ago

Just wild that an adult can't love bio & adopted children equally. It's as though his own adoption warped his ability to give unconditional love to his own children because they're lucky to be bio, and not "special" like those adopted.

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u/KonekoKimiko 3d ago

THIS.

OP I hope you see this specifically and fully register it. Your husband has some serious issues bc of his own adoption and rather than go to therapy for them, he has internalized the idea that if you’re lucky enough to be bio kids you have nothing to complain about. The way he spoke to you about Rosie was with disdain and disgust. It’s abhorrent.

And if I’m being completely honest, the thought crosses my mind that he might, deep, deep down, even be subconsciously behaving like this on purpose explicitly bc she’s biological. As in, in some fucked up way he can get retribution for his own trauma by forcing a bio kid to experience a fraction of what he experienced. That’s obviously a very extreme theory but truly the way he’s acting in general but also specifically when he’s called out on his behavior is extremely worrying.

Even excluding the rest of the context of this post, the simple fact that when you present him with an ultimatum after attempting other solutions, he immediately resorts to calling you a bitch, screaming so loudly the kids hear it from the floor above, and then continuing to scream while you try to comfort the children all mean this man is not healthy or respectful of you, his wife. That alone should give you pause. Maybe he secretly resents you for not having to experience adoption. Maybe he feels that you and your bio kid are throwing a wrench in his plans of finally getting to vicariously live through an adopted kid’s childhood if they had nice parents. Maybe he’s just so entrenched in whatever mindset he has that merely the idea of needing to reroute anything absolutely pisses him off. Idk. What I do know is that he’s not respectful of you, he has not healed enough to have any business being a parent to any kid, and you and your children do not deserve this. Please leave. I don’t see him listening to reason or he would’ve done so before the ultimatum. If it’s still possible where you live and you don’t want to be a single parent to 3 kids, I personally would consider abortion for the current pregnancy. Dealing with all of this while pregnant would make things exponentially more difficult, especially as you get further along. NTA. Please, please leave.

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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 3d ago

It’s actually pretty standard for parents to favour the biological kids, that’s why all of the comments are shocked. Cause it’s sub consciously known of course bio kids = real kids.

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u/serjsomi 3d ago

To protect both of them. Julia could feel guilt for unintentionally taking the attention away from Rosie.

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u/BojackTrashMan 3d ago

It sounds like he's trying to fix all of his own drama through the experience of his adopted daughter. That isn't healthy even if there isn't anyone else in the picture, but it's especially unhealthy when you will neglect another child to do it.

He's perfectly capable of being a wonderful loving father to both daughters. That he actively excludes one is a whole choice, and a really disgusting one.

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u/markmcgrew 4d ago

Your are NOT the AH for expecting your children to be treated equaly, not the same, but equal. This is heartbreaking because you are both trying to do the right thing. I hope he finally realizes this.

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u/TheWhogg 3d ago

This 🤡 is too busy with his inner child to notice his actual child. He can’t even love a biological child, he can only love a proxy of himself. Yuk.

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u/theloveburts 4d ago

Now the OP is daydreaming about not having her foster daughter, so there's that. Leaving him with the foster daughter seems like a good choice.

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u/sanuraseven 4d ago

He’s not emotionally healthy enough to be left with any of the children. OP needs to seek majority custody of all of them. When she no longer has to deal with his outbursts on a regular basis her feelings of resentment will fade.

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u/Significant_Planter 3d ago

Absolutely not! He will ruin that child even worse than he's doing now! And I don't just mean spoil her with affection he will literally ruin her life the way he is behaving and he won't be able to adopt another kid alone probably especially at his income, so he's going to hang on to her even tighter! 

He's basically using her to fix his childhood! He's making it up to her what he didn't have! There's no way she turns out well-rounded if he continues this

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u/Away_Perception_9083 3d ago

She’s not a foster daughter. She’s their daughter. Adopted and changed birth certificate. OP doesn’t resent the daughter, she resents her man child of a husband

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u/Christinebitg 3d ago

Unfortunately, even the OP has noted that she's starting to feel resentment toward the kid.

Yes, it's unfortunate, but I think it's understandable.  Even the OP knows it's unhealthy.

Personally, I think the situation is approaching the point of no return.

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u/Educational_Gas_92 3d ago

They could also do that? Like op could end up with custody of her bio child and the husband of the adopted child.

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u/miyuki_m 3d ago

The way he invests everything into Julia is not healthy for her. She is a golden child, and we see posts on this app all the time about golden children becoming monsters as adults.

All three children need and deserve to be treated equitably, and OP is the only parent here who believes that.

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u/mela_99 3d ago

Honestly you nailed it.

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u/RobinC1967 3d ago

She talks about leaving him to protect Rosie, but she's not going to get that protection with 50/50 parenting! OP needs to make certain that he is not mistreating Rosie. The way he treats Julie is also wrong. This man needs limited time with the girls until he completes therapy and is deemed fit to parent!

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u/miyuki_m 3d ago

I doubt he's going to want 50/50 custody of Rosie. OP needs to document his favoritism for Julia and his cruel attitude toward Rosie and take them both.

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u/QueenOfNeon 3d ago

Do you think he will blame OP for taking her away and not owning his part in it. He could say later that he didn’t leave her that mommy took her away from him.

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u/QueenOfNeon 3d ago

I don’t know why I’m downvoted for thinking about that angle. I did not say I support it. Just just he might twist what happens.

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u/Its_me_Suzy 3d ago

What a douche OP’s husband is. I make it a point to never use my past hurtful experiences to hurt those around me but the husband is actively doing it and using soo many excuses to prove he is right.

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u/BDazzle126 3d ago

This right here!

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u/Sweet_Appeal4046 3d ago

Perhaps he should adopt Rosie as well. I don't know how the logistics of that would work, but it can be a really traumatic experience for everyone involved. And then he can love her.

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u/miyuki_m 3d ago

Rosie is his biological child.

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u/Sweet_Appeal4046 3d ago

I got that. But if he abandons her, sends her into the system, and then takes her back, she may be damaged just enough for him to love her as well.