r/AITAH • u/throwawayxop • 2d ago
AITA for Reporting My Best Friend's Fiancé to the Police? TW Abuse
I’m going to start this off by saying this is a throwaway account since my best friend knows my reddit and this post will be deleted after I receive enough feedback since she is active in this subreddit.
I've known my best friend, "Emily," for over 20 years. We've been through everything together—high school, college, first jobs, breakups—you name it. So, when she got engaged to "Tom" last year, I was thrilled for her. Tom seemed like a great guy: charming, funny, and attentive. Emily seemed genuinely happy for the first time in years.
A few months into their engagement, I started noticing some red flags. Tom was becoming increasingly controlling. He'd get upset if Emily went out with friends without him, and he'd constantly check her phone. Emily brushed it off, saying it was because of his "protective nature." I was concerned but didn't want to interfere too much. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and i knew that interfering could make it worse. As far as i was aware there was no physical abuse happening at the time.
Last weekend, Emily and Tom threw an engagement party at their place. The night started off great, but as the evening progressed, I noticed Tom getting visibly drunk and more aggressive. At one point, I overheard him having a heated argument with Emily in the kitchen. When I walked in, Tom looked shell shocked stormed out, and Emily was left in tears. She insisted it was nothing, just a drunken argument, but I could see marks on her arm that hadn't been there earlier.
I confronted Emily privately, and after some persuasion, she admitted that Tom had hit her and this wasn’t the first time. She begged me not to tell anyone, fearing it would make things worse. I was torn, but I couldn't just stand by and do nothing.
The next day, I went to the police and reported Tom. They took it seriously and started an investigation. When Emily found out, she was furious. She accused me of betraying her trust and potentially ruining her relationship. She hasn't spoken to me since, and some mutual friends are saying I overstepped and should have respected Emily's wishes which took me back. How can they say that after knowing she’s been physically abused?
Now, I'm left questioning if I did the right thing. I couldn't bear the thought of Emily being in danger, but now I've potentially lost my best friend and caused a massive rift in her life.
AITA for reporting my best friend's fiancé to the police?
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 2d ago
NTA. You can't keep her friendship if she's dead.
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u/GeniusInsanity 2d ago
I think knowing someone for 20 years gives you a pretty decent gut feeling tho
Never apologize for stepping in when someone has yet to see what is right in front of them.
Relationships can come to an end. Things need to be okay directly. That’s how I feel
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u/iBestiole 2d ago
NTA. You are a real friend. The only problem is that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. But when she does, you'll be there for her.
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u/DawnShakhar 2d ago
This is a tricky one. First of all, definitely NTA. You acted to protect your friend. Staying silent can be fatal. The downside is that she may refuse to press charges, go back to him and continue to cut you off, which will leave her without your support. But this is a situation where any choice can turn out to be the bad one. You had to make a decision, and you made one - a caring and responsible one.
There is a movie I really love, called "No one would tell", about a similar situation. A girl dates a popular guy who abuses her, and she forbids her concerned friend to tell anybody. It ends very badly. See the movie here:
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u/YeeHawMiMaw 2d ago
I think you have to ask yourself - what is more valuable: Emily's life or your friendship?
The friendship may be damaged, but it can be repaired. Emily might not fare so well if Tom isn't stopped.
Reach out to Emily and offer space, but let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. That your only concern is her health and safety.
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u/Yogi_dat_Bear 2d ago edited 2d ago
Everyone thinks it’s overstepping until someone’s hospitalized or dead. Then it’s “why didn’t you say something”. Tom’s a prick, and deserves it.
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u/Late-Lie-3462 2d ago
He could still kill her. Its not like he's going to jailing them for this. It has to be her choice to leave and she's clearly not ready
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I agree with your comment, but he could’ve killed her either way. At least now he is on the police radar. I don’t think what I did was right after reading these comments but I don’t think what I did was wrong. I feel like I should’ve given myself more time to process the information I received. I agree that I acted irrationally.
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u/Blackheart26_6 2d ago
No OP you did the right thing but in the wrong way. You could have Persuaded Emily to go to the police and Made her see how toxic this behaviour is and Tom is Abusive.
I'm sure Emily will come around After some time. Don't worry You are NTA
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
thank you for your comment. It’s so refreshing to hear genuine advice. I agree with your comment and I feel like I should’ve given myself time to speak to her more about the situation and if I could go back, I would’ve tried to convince her to go to the police before I had. When I was going through a similar situation, she supported me unconditionally and helped me get out. I just wish she could do that for herself.
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u/Blackheart26_6 2d ago
Your friend is conditioned to behave a certain way by her AH of a fiance, she can't think with her straight mind obviously..
Let things settle down and Tell her that She has been a sister When you were going through hard times and you only returned it and you can never stand by and watch her get hurt. She might choose to cut you off and it's okay too, she is at least alive and Safe.
And can I just say how lucky she is to have a friend like you who would go to any lengths to keep her safe.. people like you are very rare❤️
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u/anarchoRex 1d ago
No, you did not act "irrationally" at all. You took the information you had and your friends DA, processed it through your own experiences, and did what you thought was necessary to protect your friend. That's an extremely rational and easy to follow thought process. You may have acted in haste, but your conclusions is extremely logic and rational.
Everyone telling you you've been irrational is doing so because that's how your decisions feels to them, not because they've taken the time to consider your decisions calmly and rationally.
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u/Additional_Sir1039 2d ago
NTA. You prioritized Emily's safety. Abuse often escalates, and you acted out of genuine concern. She may not see it now, but you did the right thing.
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u/BeMandalorTomad 2d ago
You absolutely did the right thing. This may have been the first, but it would not have been the last. This is how abusive relationships progress. Next, he will want to isolate her from her friends so there won’t be anyone to report it next time. After that, it’s not one hit, it’s black eyes and broken bones. You gave your friend the best possible chance to get out of this impending doom. NTA.
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u/Lycaon-Ur 2d ago
Reporting abusive spouses is a minefield. Reports like that can actually cause the abuse to worsen. Also, many times if a partner isn't ready and willing to be saved a report like this will just drive them further into a hole with their abuser and remove potential outs later. It's a bad situation all around.
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u/Head_Kangaroo 2d ago
I agree with this. I absolutely get wanting to report it and don’t think you’re a AH, But if she isn’t ready to do something about it, there won’t be a lot the police can do. This will just make her double down on being with him and things may get worse for the time being. On top of that, she won’t trust you and will shut you out so now she has no safety net.
As hard as it is, just be there for her. Try to get her to report him. Let her know you know she is worth better. It is really an impossible situation.
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u/Magdovus 2d ago
There was no good option. There was only a least bad option.
If Emily contacts you to complain, ask what she'd do if the situation was reversed.
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u/Junie_Wiloh 2d ago
As a woman that survived domestic abuse, I wish someone had stepped in and reported mine when I couldn't do it for myself.
People tend to forget that these types of abusers(both male and female) condition their victim over months and years. It starts slow to where the victim isn't even aware they are even being abused over time. Gaslighting, manipulation, maybe some yelling and the slamming of a door.. leads to punching a wall, leads to a slap across the face.. which gets progressively worse from there.
And also part of the cycle of abuse is the "I am so sorry.." "I will never do that again." "I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you," followed by gifts.. flowers, attention, gifts.. then there is a period of calm.. until.. something triggers the abuser. Over time, the victim starts believing it is their fault their partner is like this. You often hear the abused talk about what their partner was like during the beginning of their dating phase. How kind they were, how considerate, appreciative, attentive, understanding, blah blah.. so to the abused to see this change in character means that it must because of them and their actions that have caused the abuser to be this way..
I wish someone had stepped in when I couldn't walk away. The last time I saw my abuser was after a night where he raped me at knife point after beating my face in
If you see something, say something. You might just save a life...
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u/Sakent 2d ago
Your experience can be really valuable here, if you're willing to share:
How did you get out?
What kind of support structure did you have?
Did anyone know what was going on?
What resources did you use afterwards?
I don't know you, but I'm glad you made it through.
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u/Junie_Wiloh 2d ago
How did you get out?
To this day,I honestly don't know. I can obviously recount the memory, but I was dead certain my life was going to end that night. After 3 hours of essentially being held hostage, and him making the typical "If I can't have you, no one else can,' comments.. amongst other things(I honestly don't want to get too graphic here because this whole section is just going to be white out), he suddenly let me go.. I don't have any rhyme or reason as to why.
What kind of support structure did you have?
I had one person. One. And that person didn't even live in the same state as me. My mother did and she wouldn't help. Told me the usual lines of, "You married him, now you gotta make it work. That's your job as a wife." Typical Boomer mentality. I had no friends. No family. Save the one.
Did anyone know what was going on?
Sure. Plenty. But it got to the point that after a while of me sticking around, they couldn't bear to watch. Most of my family and friends were cut off from me anyway. He did not want me to have any friends. He would have me work so that he could take my money for his drug and alcohol addiction, but the moment it seemed like I was getting chummy with anyone I worked with, he made me quit. I clearly remember even my aunt and uncle being on the phone with me one day, and the moment they heard his voice, yelling, "Who TF are you on the fucking phone with?," they would immediately hang up. That was the only thing they felt they could do. Hang up and let me pretend I was on the phone making an appointment or something..
What resources did you use afterwards?
Outside of using the Domestic Violence place in the town I lived in, I had no other options. This was back in the 90s where a lot of women still weren't particularly believed, especially in a Midwestern red state. The prosecutor for the case ended up dropping the charges because, "it would be hard to prove to a jury of 12 that what happened to you behind closed doors, wasn't consensual because you were still married."
I managed to get a small job and used what funds I made in a month and bought a plane ticket to that one friend in another state, halfway across the country. Figured that I had already been through the worst damn experience of my life, I could start all over in a place I had never been.
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u/TraumaCookie 2d ago
I'm a DV survivor and worked for many years as a DV advocate, I'm considered an expert in the field.
Respectfully, this was not the right move and it sounds like you (as many survivors do) may have gotten caught in a bit of saviorism due to your own experiences. The reality is that DV is massively under-prosecuted. The police may have started an investigation, but all that does is show the abuser that other people now know about what is happening. This often causes them to escalate further, and the person they are going to blame and harm is their partner. Realistically, law enforcement rarely takes any sort of impactful action for DV.
The most dangerous time for a survivor is when they leave their abusive partner; they are seven times more likely to be killed, and it takes on average at least seven attempts at leaving to successfully and safely do so. It takes time and planning to safely leave an abusive relationship, and you have taken her ability away to do that. She knows the relationship best- if she didn't want you to say anything it very well may be because of her fear of the consequences she is now going to face.
Advocates often safety plan with survivors on how they can mitigate risk while in a relationship, up until they are in a place (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, socially) that they can leave. Some survivors will never leave the relationship for many reasons, and advocates can help plan for that too.
Taking a survivor's choice away is not the answer. Their partner is already doing that to them, and third parties stepping in to report DV, even those who mean well, often end up causing more harm.
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u/writing_mm_romance 2d ago
I would always choose potentially sacrificing a relationship with a friend in favor of being interviewed for the 48 hours special. My friends know that I'm a papa bear though, and I'll go full grizzly on anyone who tries to hurt them.
NTA
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u/cathline 2d ago
NTA
My advice is always - it's better to have a living former friend who is mad at you, than a dead former friend.
The professionals need to take care of this. Your poor friend is caught up in the cycle of abuse.
I am SO PROUD of you.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 2d ago
She’s a grown adult, if she’s hellbent on getting her ass beat there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Dude’s hitting her and she’s defending that in a house full of people.
You can’t save everyone.
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u/CryWise2854 2d ago
Most victims of abuse are trained to think it's ok, not a big deal. I was someone who had been in 3 abusive relationships because I thought it was "normal" - you convince yourself that they love you, the abuse isn't actually abuse, hell I used to LAUGH at the fact that my exs would hit me.
Abuse doesn't start immediately, she's been groomed, love bombed, everything. Attitudes like this are why women (and men) get stuck in abusive relationships, because people won't help.
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u/Opposite-Fortune- 1d ago
And if you’re a grown adult obstructing anyone trying to help, what exactly do you want them to do?
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u/CryWise2854 2d ago
Most victims of abuse are trained to think it's ok, not a big deal. I was someone who had been in 3 abusive relationships because I thought it was "normal" - you convince yourself that they love you, the abuse isn't actually abuse, hell I used to LAUGH at the fact that my exs would hit me.
Abuse doesn't start immediately, she's been groomed, love bombed, everything. Attitudes like this are why women (and men) get stuck in abusive relationships, because people won't help.
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u/Sakent 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA, obviously, you're protecting your friend. There are are some things to keep in mind:
Your relationship is going to be damaged, this is just the way controlling/abusive/codependent relationships work. She loves him, and she will see this as a betrayal. You need to be supportive of her, and you can't just badmouth him at every opportunity, she will cut ties with you.
He is going to make her more isolated, be pushy with your friendship, text constantly, invite her to things constantly, show up to her house unannounced routinely. If she doesn't have a support structure, she is going to get stuck.
You have no say in her relationship. She isn't going to leave him until she is good and ready. Even then, she may go back.
Start planning for the day that she realizes that she is in an unhealthy/unsafe situation, and be prepared to help. What that means is, have a plan for getting her away from him, somewhere he can't get to her: there are tons of places that can assist (please search for them in your area, and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they're an excellent resource, even if you and the victim) but alternates can be your family (he doesn't know your family, he'll find her at hers), churches, etc.
Best of luck, this is a hard road to navigate, but don't give up on her.
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u/CryWise2854 2d ago
CALL THE COPS. I was Emily, and I wish someone had done this for me. It'll cause a rift temporarily, but not forever.
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u/CryWise2854 2d ago
like, call them and keep calling them. She may not testify, try to get something in writing. Get proof. Honestly I was so mad at my best friend for "abandoning" me in my abusive relationship, but now we have reconnected and honestly, I am so understanding and grateful. Please please please don't give up on her please don't let her marry him. YOU ARE A GOOD FRIEND.
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u/ThunderSparkles 2d ago
Would these friends say the same thing if she ended up dead? This piece of trash needs to be exposed.
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u/BetAlternative8397 2d ago
The most likely person to murder you is a domestic partner. He’s beating on her and controlling her before they even get married??
NTA. If the only consequence is losing her friendship (maybe only temporarily if she comes to her senses) that’s a small price to pay.
Domestic abusers always escalate.
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u/Elegant_Cockroach430 2d ago
Right?! Good thing she called the cops so when he gets on bail, he will go straight to his gf for forgiveness. I mean, beat the crap out of her more now.
This wasn't safe at all.
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u/MusicianLoose1908 2d ago
So, when he beats her to death, will you be afraid you overstepped? Sorry..but it's not my business? No, if you destroy that relationship and your friend is alive next year, and the year after that, you can ask yourself if you did the right thing.
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u/Haunting-Nebula-1685 2d ago
NTA - you are trying to protect your friend who is in danger. Now at least the police have him on their radar if something else happens
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u/Elegant_Cockroach430 2d ago
You put your friend in a lot of risk by having the police suprise her dv partner. Did you think about at all?
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I understand your concern. It was a tough decision, but I was genuinely worried for Emily's safety and he is also a small social media influencer just shy of a big milestone of followers so in my head i thought him knowing that people are catching on would scare him into acting like a decent human being. I haven’t spoken to her yet, but I hope the police involvement helps her see the seriousness of the situation. I would like to know what you would have done if you were in my position, if you don’t mind.
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u/Elegant_Cockroach430 2d ago
So I have been in this position before. If Emily doesn't take the offer of help to leave this relationship on her own made-up mind, then no amount of people calling the police will make 1 lick of difference. You just threw gasoline on fire or coals.
She will stay, she will go back. But now you are outside the circle of trust and will probably be cut off permanently. Now she doesn't have your support anymore.
You went nuclear without backup plans or thinking about long turn details. Placing her in immediate danger.
For what I do: I offer help. I provide help when asked. I also step back from the Emily's for my own mental health well being. It's hard to want to stop the train wreck but the Emily's are asking what a train is .... you can't actually do much. And It's hard. It's like watching a drug addict or alcoholic waste way in front of you.
But to call in police who would need her help to give out charges without discussing this with her was not a good plan and honestly a bad friend..... end of the day ypu called the police so you could say "i tried". Nevermind how much worse, or the fact he could kill her now is now reality.
You are a horribly misguided friend at best.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 2d ago
^This. Unless the incident was severe enough for the police to keep him in jail, he's just going to be coming home to her and still be angry with her for telling someone else. It's unfortunate and sad, but there are some people in life that you really can't help until they want to change their situation. I had a friend whose partner was abusing him when we were both just out of HS. We had multiple conversations about how the stuff she was doing was fucked up. He still spent another year with her, and I never reported it to someone because I knew he needed to be the one to decide enough was enough. Thankfully, the time came and he cut her off for good.
What OP did is even worse because this guy is already starting to control who she hangs around. I'm betting that soon, she will start cutting people off, and OP will be among the out group. At this point the best OP can do is apologize, and hope that someone else can continue to be close to her.
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u/Elegant_Cockroach430 2d ago
I think a lot of these NTA's are from 13 years old who haven't actually lived this situation. It's heartbreaking for everyone. I hope the Emily's will fid their strength and leave soon.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 2d ago
I do too. It's a hard road, but from everything I've seen as an outside observer, it's worth it. On the other hand, I have yet to see a situation where someone actually turns around and completely stops this kind of abuse while still dating someone.
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u/Driftwood256 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm curious, what exactly did the cops do?
I'm skeptical they would do much if a 3rd party reported DV after the fact with no evidence, without the victim being part of the complaint... but I guess laws and cops are different everywhere...
ETA: Also maybe not worth deleting the post, if you're already on the outs with her... maybe reading the comments here will open her eyes...
ETA again: AI detector say this post is probably fake...
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
Please look at my reply underneath another comment who also suggested this. To sum it up i used chatgpt to reword due to my information being everywhere. At the time of writing the original post i was crying and my head wasn’t in sound enough position to make my writing make 100% sense, you don’t know me so you wouldn’t know that i wouldn’t lie about this stuff however, I have been in an abusive situation as stated in the post and i’m also 30 odd with children. I have better stuff to do than lie about a situation this devastating. Thank you for your comment.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I just reread your comment and I did hand evidence into the police and I’m going down to the station tomorrow to write a personal statement. They urged her to write one however she has refused as of right now.
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u/DrinksWine77 2d ago
You did the right thing, put you will pay for it. Your friendship will be over until Emily gets a new mindset about her abuse. That might take awhile.
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u/Ok-Confidence9649 2d ago
I once called a welfare check on my friend because I was concerned for her and what her bf had done. And they hadn’t even gotten violent. She ended up furious at me. He used it as a reason to call me every name in the book, say I wasn’t welcome at their house, etc. Well we haven’t talked in a long time but I found out later from other friends that there had in fact been instances of DV and they ended up breaking up because he was cheating. I wish I had done some things differently. And I feel like my interference gave him the opportunity to further isolate her. Just know that your friend probably isn’t reacting rationally and she probably needs you now more than ever. You’re NTA and might have helped her by starting a paper trail. It’s not like their relationship is going to end in sunshine and rainbows.
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u/TalkieTina 2d ago
“some mutual friends are saying I overstepped and should have respected Emily's wishes which took me back. How can they say that after knowing she’s been physically abused?”
These people aren’t friends. They aren’t fit to be friends if they’re OK with DV. These people are, as they say, part of the problem.
You did the right thing. Be proud of yourself for following through to help your friend and know that you’re NTA.
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u/Cybermagetx 2d ago
Nta. He is abusive and there needs to be a paper trail at least. But don't expect her to be happy or thank you till after she leaves him
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u/AdLost2542 2d ago
NTA. You know most men have a crazy ex girlfriend story right?
Most women don't have a crazy ex boyfriend to tell because they don't survive.
You did the right thing.
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u/WintAndKidd 2d ago
You did the right thing even though it was difficult. You are not only NTA, you’re a true friend. Kudos
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u/Late_Magazine2573 2d ago
If you didn't report, she'd have then had a best friend who wasn't worth much. You did the right thing. Maybe you helped. Maybe you didn't. She has another opportunity to reassess and make a change. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Friendships don't last forever. Stay true to yourself always.
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u/rkskekfkakqktkdkwkck 2d ago
I’ve had to have this chat with a friend and I think it is better if you sit down and have a calm conversation in a cafe.
Start by stating police only investigate crimes. Hitting is a form of physical abuse. You know that your friend might not see it this way right now but you know deep down if you were being abused your friend would do the same thing because you two are best friends. And best friends look out for each other.
Reiterate hitting is a form of abuse and police only investigate crimes. What he did to her is not a small deal. People go to prison for domestic violence.
She might not like you right now but in the future whenever she needs you, you’ll always come to help. And as far as you’re concerned, she is your friend forever even if she disagrees right now.
Again, keep it short and don’t get emotionally involved in sharing your perspective. Being as pointed as you can get with her situation and not even about her fiancé is how she’ll get shell shocked into reality.
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u/Orphan2024 2d ago
NTA Try to get a message to her saying sorry that she's angry with you right now, but you did it because you love her and you'll always be there for her with big hugs if she needs you. Keep your door open to her, she'll eventually walk through it. Good work OP.
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u/Blackheart26_6 2d ago
OP can you also tell Emily's parents what happened so they can try to talk some sense into her? Many people here are saying that Emily might cut you off and become more close with Tom so Please inform the family so they Will have an eye on her or talk her out of this..
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u/wolfmonk3y 2d ago
NTA. I wish someone had cared enough to intervene like this when I was in an abusive relationship about 10 years ago. My ex damn near killed me, then stalked me for years after I bolted in the night. Drop those "friends" saying you should've respected her wishes.
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u/Feisty_Irish 2d ago
NTA in any way, shape, or form. You were trying to help your friend. The abuse is going to escalate.
Has she been in an abusive relationship before?
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
No she hasn’t but I have been in one whilst she was in my life, she supported me unconditionally and helped me get out.
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u/Feisty_Irish 2d ago
The only thing that you can do for her right now is to tell her that you will always be there for her. Keep the lines of communication open so she knows you will help her.
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u/Travelandwisdom 2d ago
You can never do wrong by doing right. And if she’s that f’d up, what could you possibly have in common that would foster a sustainable friendship?
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u/_Cursedanimeboi_ 1d ago
NTA, I hope she comes to her senses and an eye waking healing process to realize that something like this isn’t normal and shouldn’t be kept behind closed doors. You literally just saved her life and her future with this abuser. I genuinely do hope she goes to therapy and realizes her value because stuff like this in relationships shouldn’t be swept under the rug. And the mutual friends are just as much as AH for letting it happen.
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u/fricky-kook 1d ago
NTA, and when she finally is ready to leave him she will know she can come to you
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u/Longjumping_Quail345 1d ago
It's a terrible thing to be in your position. I have found myself unfortunately right where you are many times You are made to feel so wrong for doing the right thing You may have lost your friend for a while or maybe for good but you get to keep your morals. I wish you the best.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 1d ago
NTA. I called the cops on my youngest daughter’s abusive ex boyfriend numerous times even when I was told to stay out of it. Reporting abuse is never wrong!
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u/PassAlarming936 1d ago
NTA, but the sad truth is that even though you did the right thing, it may only make her more loyal to him. When you try to rip an abuser away from their victim by force it sometimes just strengthens their trauma bond.
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u/fro99er 1d ago
NTA
I could see marks on her arm that hadn't been there earlier.
I confronted Emily privately, and after some persuasion, she admitted that Tom had hit her and this wasn’t the first time.
You may have lost your best friend but you potentially have saved her life.
When confronted with evidence doing nothing is the asshole thing to do
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u/fizzinator9000 1d ago
NTA. You did the right thing by reporting this to the cops. A living friend who is upset with you is better than reading an eulogy at the same friend's funeral.
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u/No-Revolution-4699 1d ago
Wow! You did the right thing, 1000% but at the same time you may have lost and saved a close friend at the same time. Hopefully you have saved her from an abusive man, and she hopefully will come to realise no man or woman has the right to abuse another. But sometimes even if you do the right thing it means losing the people you love. You have saved her! And you should hold your head up high knowing that. A person in an abusive relationship are being manipulated in ways people don’t understand. So to report this to professional people who can help, you are an amazing friend and person.
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u/Driftwood256 2d ago edited 2d ago
Looks like a FAKE POST...
AI detector says its probably fake...
ETA: AI is getting crazy good... I asked ChatGPT to write a similar story, and here's what it spit out, no edits needed:
AITA for reporting my friend’s abusive boyfriend to the police?I (28M) have a close friend, “Sarah” (27F), who recently started dating a guy named “Jake” (30M). Initially, Jake seemed like a nice guy, but over the past few months, I noticed Sarah becoming increasingly anxious and withdrawn. However, she always insisted everything was fine and that I was overreacting.A few days ago, I attended a party at Sarah and Jake’s place. At one point, I realized Sarah and Jake had been gone for a while, so I went to look for them. When I walked into the kitchen, I found Jake yelling at Sarah and saw him push her against the counter. She looked terrified and had fresh bruises on her arms.I was shocked and immediately intervened, pulling Jake away from Sarah. I called the police right then and there, despite Sarah begging me not to. The police arrived, took statements, and arrested Jake for domestic abuse.Sarah is now furious with me. She says I betrayed her trust and that she wasn’t ready to involve the police. She’s been ignoring my calls and texts ever since, and some of our mutual friends think I overstepped.I feel horrible for upsetting her, but I genuinely believe I did the right thing to ensure her safety. AITA for reporting her boyfriend to the police without her consent?
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I don’t think my reply sent so i’ll just make a shorter version. I wrote the original post when my head was a mess and it jumped from topic to topic, i did use chatgpt to reword it however everything i put into chatgpt was my own words. My exact prompt was: can you reword this paragraph and also change the names. {original Paragraph}
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u/West-Dimension8407 2d ago
NTA you did the only right thing. it's beyond me why people think having an abusive boyfriend is ok. she's perhaps angry on you right now, but i hope she would see what absolute nuclear bomb she avoided with your help.
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u/Corodix 2d ago
NTA and I think you did the right thing. Though unfortunately her controlling fiance will likely force her to cut you out of her life and she'll probably give in and still get married. This seems especially likely with her accusing you of potentially ruining her relationship, as that implies that she still doesn't want to get out of it.
Perhaps you can prevent it by reaching out to Emily, apologizing for breaking her trust and explaining that you did it because you were worried about her safety and health. Perhaps if you can save your friendship then her fiance trying to force her to end it will make her leave the relationship. It's worth giving a shot.
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u/SnooWords4839 2d ago
NTA - You reported him, hopefully she will run away and not stay with an abuser.
Your other friends are enablers. Not good people to be around.
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u/Dear_Efficiency_3616 2d ago
NTA. you could have even saved her life. a coward would have left this abuse go on
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u/Accomplished_ways777 2d ago
you did the wrong thing though... the first steps should always be very simple, easy discussions with the victim. try to slowly open her eyes, make her realise how wrong the relationship is. maybe even show her some advertisement for help/shelter for DV victims.
you clearly see now that she is way too blindly in love, way too obsessed with her fiance, she forgives him and lets him hit her repeatedly and still loves him to the moon and back. she doesn't see him for what he is, a spineless abuser and that is the issue that should have been addressed first, not straight up calling the police on him.
now she will cut all ties with you and stick with her abuser until he will beat her to death. women like her truly believe that they will change their abusers with tons of love, affection and even babies. they will die before giving up on their abusers because they have the saviour complex.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I understand your comment and I do believe I acted irrationally I should’ve given myself more time to process the information I’d received however I will not say I am wrong but I will not say I’m right. At the time I felt like that was my only option.
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u/Unrelated_gringo 2d ago
NTA - But sadly it might have cost the friendship, for now at least.
But, extra bonus: You now truly and deeply know that the people that told you that you shouldn't have acted are abuse apologists and classify them as such.
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u/Bustymegan 2d ago
Lose a friend, save a life. Till her rose tinted glasses come off she will hate you but it might finally get through too her. If you have other mutual friends, they need too speak up as well. Bring her back too reality. The moment anyone lays hands on anyone, violently in a relationship, the relationship is over. Especially if its repeatedly, shes just hasn't realized it.
You're a good friend, you have done what you can and there is now a record of it.
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u/jordansmilee 2d ago
NTA. ALWAYS trust your instincts. this isn’t the first, will never be the last, it will get worse and worse and she will be a shell of who she once was at that point. you’re saving her from so, so much. you never know if he could go too far one day. people with violent tendencies tend to snap at some point. fuck the “ruining the relationship,” nobody’s life is worth one relationship with a shitty ass person like him. i just hope she’ll come down from the initial feeling of betrayal and try to understand why you did it. it was never about betraying her trust, it was about keeping her safe; that’s what’s most important.
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u/South_Cry8616 2d ago
NTA you were just doing the right thing and looking out for her it could have been way worse if you just sat there and did nothing
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u/No-Broccoli-5932 2d ago
NTA!!! You're possibly a life saver. Tom was escalating and Emily couldn't see it because "she's in love". With your personal experience of abusive relationships, you could see what was coming down the road. You may have lost a friend, but at least you know she's alive out there somewhere, possibly thanks to you. Ignore the Flying Monkeys who think being in an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.
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u/Wide_Coconut_6899 2d ago
You did the right thing. NTA Fingers crossed it doesn’t result in another beating when her fiancé finds out she told a friend about the abuse/police report. Sometimes it escalates it to a homicide.
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u/Strange-Area9624 2d ago
She may hate you now, but one day she will thank you. She will come around.
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u/SociallyIneptBoy 2d ago
NTA.....he's never gonna stop unless he's forced to. If your friend has ANY sense, she'll forgive you once she's on the other side of this. If she doesn't, then at least rest knowing you've dodged a very large, very slow moving bullet. People like that refuse get out of their own way and they will drag everyone who doesn't let go soon enough down with them.
Also, those two "mutual friends".....you're done with them. Period. Her too, if things work out.
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u/Sympraxis 2d ago
It was definitely not your business to be calling the police on somebody like that. First of all, you don't know what the situation is because you saw nothing. You know only what she told you, which is hearsay, not evidence. You have zero knowledge of what actually happened or didn't happen.
If I was Tom, you would have a legal problem because I would be talking to the DA about having you charged with making a false report. For example, if you made any kind of false statement to the police when you made your report, then I would grounds for making a criminal complaint against you. I would also consider suing you personally for slander. So, not only were you butting into other people's business, but you were in a legally precarious position by filing criminal reports about a matter with which you had no direct knowledge. If it turned out that Emily's statements to you were exaggerated and you reported them to the police or repeated them to other people as though they were facts, then you could face serious legal consequences for that because it can damage another person's reputation.
The bottom line here is that you should only make a report to the police when you actually witness a crime, not when someone you know alleges that a crime has occurred.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
After confronting her she sent me photos of her bruises and videos where you can hear him hit her in the end which i tried to attach to the post however i couldn’t due to this sub settings. I have handed them in as evidence however and hope it is enough to get him arrested. she’s not speaking to me right now but i truly hope it was enough to get her out.
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u/Sympraxis 2d ago
What you have to realize here is that it is her responsibility to go to the police, not yours. Her handing you alleged evidence to give to the police or anyone else is not going to work. The police will NOT do anything unless she makes a complaint and a statement to back up her complaint. The fact that she is sending things to you, not to the authorities, indicates that she could possibly trying to manipulate YOU in some way.
The fact that she was "furious" with you for going to the police simply reinforces the probability that something is amiss here. When the police interviewed her, what did she say? Did she tell them that her boyfriend assaulted her or not? The whole situation is lacking in integrity.
Your correct action here is to be supportive and encourage her to do whatever she needs to do, but you should not be making complaints yourself, because you are not the victim and you have witnessed nothing.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I truly understand your concern however if she had died and I said nothing, I would have never been able to live myself again. Maybe nothing will happen and she will go back however at least the police are aware and at least they’re taking it seriously. I’m going to the station tomorrow to write my personal statement and they have urged her to also write a personal statement which she has refused as of now. I understand what I did could have ended in fatality however if I hadn’t spoken out, it could’ve also ended fatally.
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u/Sympraxis 2d ago
A fatality? So, now you are accusing a guy you don't know of being a potential murderer because you heard him arguing with his girlfriend in another room? What planet are you on? Do you realize how slanderous that is? Half the couples in the country have arguments. Just because a couple has a shouting match does not they are about to kill each other and making allegations of that sort to the police is just incredibly irresponsible.
Just to repeat what I told you earlier. The only situation that you should be reporting something to the police is when you witness a crime.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
i’m not sure if you’re fully read my post. I’ve stated that I’ve known this woman for 20 years. I’m pretty sure I would have a good grasp of her personality by now, she would never lie about a situation, especially because she knows I’ve been through a similar situation. And as I have stated her and Tom are engaged and I’m her best friend, so I obviously know Tom to an extent. Tom has also had a criminal record before this, which i will not be sharing what for due to people being able to piece together who he is since i’ve also said he is kind of big on social media. This didn’t come out of nowhere. I know my best friend like I know the back of my hand. I understand that this was her decision to make do wish I handled it differently however at the time the only way to handle it and I do think I should’ve taken more time to really think about what I should’ve done. I’m not saying what I was right however, I will not say what I did was wrong.
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u/vvxlrac_ir 2d ago
Found Tom.
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u/throwawayxop 2d ago
I would appreciate if you don’t share the information you found. This could cause the situation to escalate far beyond it already has.
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u/preeetttyy11 2d ago
You are absolutely NOT the asshole. You did the right thing. Your friend might be angry now, but hopefully she'll realize that you were acting out of concern for her safety. Domestic violence is never okay, and it's important to prioritize your friend's well-being, even if it means going against her wishes.