AITA for Reporting My Best Friend's Fiancé to the Police?

[u/throwawayxop]

I’m going to start this off by saying this is a throwaway account since my best friend knows my reddit and this post will be deleted after I receive enough feedback since she is active in this subreddit.

I've known my best friend, "Emily," for over 20 years. We've been through everything together—high school, college, first jobs, breakups—you name it. So, when she got engaged to "Tom" last year, I was thrilled for her. Tom seemed like a great guy: charming, funny, and attentive. Emily seemed genuinely happy for the first time in years.

A few months into their engagement, I started noticing some red flags. Tom was becoming increasingly controlling. He'd get upset if Emily went out with friends without him, and he'd constantly check her phone. Emily brushed it off, saying it was because of his "protective nature." I was concerned but didn't want to interfere too much. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and i knew that interfering could make it worse. As far as i was aware there was no physical abuse happening at the time.

Last weekend, Emily and Tom threw an engagement party at their place. The night started off great, but as the evening progressed, I noticed Tom getting visibly drunk and more aggressive. At one point, I overheard him having a heated argument with Emily in the kitchen. When I walked in, Tom looked shell shocked stormed out, and Emily was left in tears. She insisted it was nothing, just a drunken argument, but I could see marks on her arm that hadn't been there earlier.

I confronted Emily privately, and after some persuasion, she admitted that Tom had hit her and this wasn’t the first time. She begged me not to tell anyone, fearing it would make things worse. I was torn, but I couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

The next day, I went to the police and reported Tom. They took it seriously and started an investigation. When Emily found out, she was furious. She accused me of betraying her trust and potentially ruining her relationship. She hasn't spoken to me since, and some mutual friends are saying I overstepped and should have respected Emily's wishes which took me back. How can they say that after knowing she’s been physically abused?

Now, I'm left questioning if I did the right thing. I couldn't bear the thought of Emily being in danger, but now I've potentially lost my best friend and caused a massive rift in her life.

AITA for reporting my best friend's fiancé to the police?

[u/YeeHawMiMaw]

I think you have to ask yourself - what is more valuable: Emily's life or your friendship?

The friendship may be damaged, but it can be repaired. Emily might not fare so well if Tom isn't stopped.

Reach out to Emily and offer space, but let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. That your only concern is her health and safety.

[u/Yogi_dat_Bear → u/YeeHawMiMaw]

Everyone thinks it’s overstepping until someone’s hospitalized or dead. Then it’s “why didn’t you say something”. Tom’s a prick, and deserves it.

[u/Late-Lie-3462 → u/Yogi_dat_Bear]

He could still kill her. Its not like he's going to jailing them for this. It has to be her choice to leave and she's clearly not ready

[u/throwawayxop → u/Late-Lie-3462]

I agree with your comment, but he could’ve killed her either way. At least now he is on the police radar. I don’t think what I did was right after reading these comments but I don’t think what I did was wrong. I feel like I should’ve given myself more time to process the information I received. I agree that I acted irrationally.

[u/Blackheart26_6 → u/throwawayxop]

No OP you did the right thing but in the wrong way. You could have Persuaded Emily to go to the police and Made her see how toxic this behaviour is and Tom is Abusive.

I'm sure Emily will come around After some time. Don't worry You are NTA

[u/throwawayxop → u/Blackheart26_6]

thank you for your comment. It’s so refreshing to hear genuine advice. I agree with your comment and I feel like I should’ve given myself time to speak to her more about the situation and if I could go back, I would’ve tried to convince her to go to the police before I had. When I was going through a similar situation, she supported me unconditionally and helped me get out. I just wish she could do that for herself.

[u/Blackheart26_6 → u/throwawayxop]

Your friend is conditioned to behave a certain way by her AH of a fiance, she can't think with her straight mind obviously..

Let things settle down and Tell her that She has been a sister When you were going through hard times and you only returned it and you can never stand by and watch her get hurt. She might choose to cut you off and it's okay too, she is at least alive and Safe.

And can I just say how lucky she is to have a friend like you who would go to any lengths to keep her safe.. people like you are very rare❤️

[u/anarchoRex → u/throwawayxop]

No, you did not act "irrationally" at all. You took the information you had and your friends DA, processed it through your own experiences, and did what you thought was necessary to protect your friend. That's an extremely rational and easy to follow thought process. You may have acted in haste, but your conclusions is extremely logic and rational.

Everyone telling you you've been irrational is doing so because that's how your decisions feels to them, not because they've taken the time to consider your decisions calmly and rationally.