AITA for Reporting My Best Friend's Fiancé to the Police?

[u/throwawayxop]

I’m going to start this off by saying this is a throwaway account since my best friend knows my reddit and this post will be deleted after I receive enough feedback since she is active in this subreddit.

I've known my best friend, "Emily," for over 20 years. We've been through everything together—high school, college, first jobs, breakups—you name it. So, when she got engaged to "Tom" last year, I was thrilled for her. Tom seemed like a great guy: charming, funny, and attentive. Emily seemed genuinely happy for the first time in years.

A few months into their engagement, I started noticing some red flags. Tom was becoming increasingly controlling. He'd get upset if Emily went out with friends without him, and he'd constantly check her phone. Emily brushed it off, saying it was because of his "protective nature." I was concerned but didn't want to interfere too much. I have been in abusive relationships in the past and i knew that interfering could make it worse. As far as i was aware there was no physical abuse happening at the time.

Last weekend, Emily and Tom threw an engagement party at their place. The night started off great, but as the evening progressed, I noticed Tom getting visibly drunk and more aggressive. At one point, I overheard him having a heated argument with Emily in the kitchen. When I walked in, Tom looked shell shocked stormed out, and Emily was left in tears. She insisted it was nothing, just a drunken argument, but I could see marks on her arm that hadn't been there earlier.

I confronted Emily privately, and after some persuasion, she admitted that Tom had hit her and this wasn’t the first time. She begged me not to tell anyone, fearing it would make things worse. I was torn, but I couldn't just stand by and do nothing.

The next day, I went to the police and reported Tom. They took it seriously and started an investigation. When Emily found out, she was furious. She accused me of betraying her trust and potentially ruining her relationship. She hasn't spoken to me since, and some mutual friends are saying I overstepped and should have respected Emily's wishes which took me back. How can they say that after knowing she’s been physically abused?

Now, I'm left questioning if I did the right thing. I couldn't bear the thought of Emily being in danger, but now I've potentially lost my best friend and caused a massive rift in her life.

AITA for reporting my best friend's fiancé to the police?

[u/Sympraxis]

It was definitely not your business to be calling the police on somebody like that. First of all, you don't know what the situation is because you saw nothing. You know only what she told you, which is hearsay, not evidence. You have zero knowledge of what actually happened or didn't happen.

If I was Tom, you would have a legal problem because I would be talking to the DA about having you charged with making a false report. For example, if you made any kind of false statement to the police when you made your report, then I would grounds for making a criminal complaint against you. I would also consider suing you personally for slander. So, not only were you butting into other people's business, but you were in a legally precarious position by filing criminal reports about a matter with which you had no direct knowledge. If it turned out that Emily's statements to you were exaggerated and you reported them to the police or repeated them to other people as though they were facts, then you could face serious legal consequences for that because it can damage another person's reputation.

The bottom line here is that you should only make a report to the police when you actually witness a crime, not when someone you know alleges that a crime has occurred.

[u/throwawayxop → u/Sympraxis]

After confronting her she sent me photos of her bruises and videos where you can hear him hit her in the end which i tried to attach to the post however i couldn’t due to this sub settings. I have handed them in as evidence however and hope it is enough to get him arrested. she’s not speaking to me right now but i truly hope it was enough to get her out.

[u/Sympraxis → u/throwawayxop]

What you have to realize here is that it is her responsibility to go to the police, not yours. Her handing you alleged evidence to give to the police or anyone else is not going to work. The police will NOT do anything unless she makes a complaint and a statement to back up her complaint. The fact that she is sending things to you, not to the authorities, indicates that she could possibly trying to manipulate YOU in some way.

The fact that she was "furious" with you for going to the police simply reinforces the probability that something is amiss here. When the police interviewed her, what did she say? Did she tell them that her boyfriend assaulted her or not? The whole situation is lacking in integrity.

Your correct action here is to be supportive and encourage her to do whatever she needs to do, but you should not be making complaints yourself, because you are not the victim and you have witnessed nothing.

[u/throwawayxop → u/Sympraxis]

I truly understand your concern however if she had died and I said nothing, I would have never been able to live myself again. Maybe nothing will happen and she will go back however at least the police are aware and at least they’re taking it seriously. I’m going to the station tomorrow to write my personal statement and they have urged her to also write a personal statement which she has refused as of now. I understand what I did could have ended in fatality however if I hadn’t spoken out, it could’ve also ended fatally.

[u/Sympraxis → u/throwawayxop]

A fatality? So, now you are accusing a guy you don't know of being a potential murderer because you heard him arguing with his girlfriend in another room? What planet are you on? Do you realize how slanderous that is? Half the couples in the country have arguments. Just because a couple has a shouting match does not they are about to kill each other and making allegations of that sort to the police is just incredibly irresponsible.

Just to repeat what I told you earlier. The only situation that you should be reporting something to the police is when you witness a crime.

[u/throwawayxop → u/Sympraxis]

i’m not sure if you’re fully read my post. I’ve stated that I’ve known this woman for 20 years. I’m pretty sure I would have a good grasp of her personality by now, she would never lie about a situation, especially because she knows I’ve been through a similar situation. And as I have stated her and Tom are engaged and I’m her best friend, so I obviously know Tom to an extent. Tom has also had a criminal record before this, which i will not be sharing what for due to people being able to piece together who he is since i’ve also said he is kind of big on social media. This didn’t come out of nowhere. I know my best friend like I know the back of my hand. I understand that this was her decision to make do wish I handled it differently however at the time the only way to handle it and I do think I should’ve taken more time to really think about what I should’ve done. I’m not saying what I was right however, I will not say what I did was wrong.

[u/throwawayxop → u/throwawayxop]

sorry if there is any typos I am using text to speak.