My friends and I decided to have a picnic on a beach in LA and brought some barbecue to grill. Every single fire pit was already reserved, even though most of them weren't being used. We asked many of these people if we could borrow them for a while to cook, but none of them would let us. According to them, they had been there as early as 6 am to reserve the fire pits, and they weren't willing to give them up or share them.

One of our friends suggested just creating a bonfire directly in the sand because she had seen her friends doing it on social media at the same beach. Since it was our first time hanging out at a US beach (in our home country, most beaches are run by resorts), none of us knew this was prohibited. We thought it made sense because there were only 40 fire pits on the beach, and there was no way they could accommodate all the visitors, especially when it got cold at night.

When we got home, we saw a notification from the Citizen app that said "Firefighters have identified approximately 25 illegal bonfires on the sand with no immediate hazards. LAPD and Beaches and Harbors will handle enforcement." We felt incredibly guilty and embarrassed. My friends and I decided not to return to that beach again.

TL;DR: We created a bonfire directly in the sand in an LA beach because there was no available fire pits. Only realized it’s prohibited when we saw the Citizen app notification that says Firefighters identified illegal bonfires in the area.

Update:

Realized it’s cooking fire and not bonfire; it wasn’t as big but yeah, we still FU. We were careful not to cause wildfire as others pointed out as some of my friends actually came from provinces where cooking on fire instead of stove is still a thing. We also tried to dispose them properly afterwards, but yeah, we were also foolish enough not to think about the harmful effects of their remnants on the sand. Definitely a lesson learned for everyone.

I had surgery last week and part of the area that was operated on had an infection (it wouldn't clear up without surgery), so while planning for my recovery, I decided to sanitize my existing sheets but also buy a few new ones.

Being the cheapskate that I am, I chose the cheapest set of 2 on Amazon without paying attention to the material. They happened to be microfiber. I also purchased a fully zipped plastic mattress protector as, in the past, my cat has had accidents on the bed, and I wanted a barrier between me and that. (Yes I cleaned up the accidents long ago, but if you can't tell, I'm a germophobe)

The surgery comes and goes, I put the plastic protector on the bed, and decide, for some reason that only makes sense to my past self, to use BOTH microfiber sheets at the same time. Throughout the first week of recovery, I notice whatever part of my body is touching the bed starts to sweat. A lot. Throughout the night I wake up and my legs are drenched. And because of the surgery, shifting positions is a monumental task, so there's not much I can do about it for about 4-5 days.

I try kicking off the blanket and having the fan on high. That results in me violently shivering AND sweating. I keep complaining to my parents that I'm sweating all night, and they both claim my room is freezing. Yet, every night I wake up lying in a swamp.

Oh, did I mention I couldn't shower for 8 days as per the surgeon's instructions? Yeah, that little JP drain and the dressing needs to stay dry. Sponge baths only!! Haha great!

At first I thought, hmm, all this sweating must be an anesthesia side effect. Or maybe I just need to shift positions more. The drain comes out, finally, and I can toss and turn as much as I want, but anything touching the bed still sweats.

After about 7 days I notice...itching and discomfort. Nearly unbearable. I will not elaborate.

I finally can't take it anymore and remove the plastic protector, thinking that's blocking the airflow or something. Nope, as soon as I lie down on those two sheets, I get unbearably warm. The cogs start to turn in my dusty brain.

Finally, after 8 days, I pull up my Amazon history and see, huh, those are microfiber sheets. I google it and lo and behold, microfiber sheets are KNOWN for trapping heat and making you sweat.

Last night, I replaced the sheets with an old cotton one from the closet and finally, finally I am not sleeping in a lagoon. Finally I have some relief. Not before I developed some nasty, itchy irritation, which I now know was inflicted by my own poor decisions.

TL;DR I suffered for 8 days after my surgery sweating all night and developed a gnarly rash solely because I bought the wrong sheets

Obligatory this happened last week (yadi-yadi-ya) but I’ve been building up confidence to post on here.

To start off; I don’t cook much as I live with my parents because I’m still in school. I do help from time to time with cutting vegetables and other rudimentary tasks that I can handle. I’ve known since earlier that I have some form of allergy to raw potatoes as peeling them causes me some form of contact dermatitis where my hands become red and itchy, it’s no big deal as I’ll usually just wear some form of vinyl gloves to protect my hands. This time however I decided (for some reason) to rawdog it when my mom asked me to scrape some fresh potatoes. I had only ever peeled potatoes before and so scraping fresh potatoes is a new technique. I (stupidly) expected myself to not react as much to fresh potatoes compared to others and just thought to lather on some hydrocortisone if I started breaking out in hives.

So there I am, scraping potatoes, feeling completely fine with no itching or redness on my hands. However, as I get to the last couple of potatoes I start to feel my nose itching and my eyes stinging a bit. “No big problem!” I thought and continued on scraping off the peels on the last potatoes. As I put the now cut up potatoes in the oven I can feel my nose start to run and my throat itching, a strange reaction but not uncommon as I have a lot of different allergies. However, it did not stop there as my throat suddenly became very dry and I started experiencing a dry cough that persisted no matter how much water I chugged and suddenly I started feeling this pressure in my chest. Uh Oh…

Now this pressure in my chest kept on building up and I had to focus to get in a good amount of air to not make me lightheaded. I was almost at the point of wheezing and I had itched my throat so hard it was entirely scratched up. Now I do have a long history of panic disorder and thought that I was either having a panic attack or my parents had to call an ambulance because I was gonna go through anaphylactic shock soon. Not wanting to interrupt my dad’s football game and my mom who’s focusing on grooming our dog I instead just sat there on the couch hoping to god it wouldn’t get worse.

Thankfully after an hour the worst was over and I could eat my potatoes (albeit slightly traumatised) with some nice tzatziki and I told my parents about what happened. Safe to say I won’t be near any raw potatoes in the future. I am however worried about how I’m going to survive living alone with how much potatoes I consume on a daily basis…

TL;DR: TIFU by almost going into anaphylactic shock after scraping fresh potatoes and being too scared to tell my parents.

So I was at the mall with my son, whose a toddler. Anyway my son was playing really well with this little girl.

Like they where two peas in a pod playing together, just having a blast.

I'm a big dude, Lotta people say I look scary type look.

Anyway my son is playing, I'm eatting my lunch and I decide I need to figure out who this girls parents are.

I figure it out, she's apparently a hot mom.

So I walk up and go "Hey our kids are playing together, maybe I can get your number and we can setup a play date" she looks at me and goes "um, married" I was thinking that's nice, my son wants to play with your daughter so I said

"Me too, my wife would love to meet you, our kids are playing well together, do you wanna set up a play date"

At that point her husband walls up and she goes "this guy is asking for my number after I told I'm married"

At this point I'm thinking fuck it, not worth it. I apologize and sit down and wait for my son to finish playing.

Tl:Dr son was playing with a little girl, tried to get the girls parents info so we could setup a play date. Her mom thought I was trying to pick her up.

Me and my bf haven’t seen each other in a couple days so decided to go to my favourite fast food place, and ngl I pigged out since I’ve been really strict with my diet and going to the gym.

I ate more than I would ever usually eat, and had a huge lunch at work cause I thought fuck it. Then after a long day, we finished watching the euros and one thing lead to another.

Since no one’s home we decided to go all out as we didn’t have to be quiet and I guess me being louder than usual turned him on more and he was being a lot rougher than normal.

As soon as we finish I get up and feel nauseous and I projectile vomited all over his carpet, ran to the bathroom and missed the toilet so vomited all around the toilet, he ran a bath for me and I was sick in there too. Was genuinely like a crime scene except there was no blood just a bunch of vomit.

He says he still loves me though and finds it funny but safe to say I’ll NEVER pig out before sex ever again. Not fun at all. Now we have a huge mess to clean.

TL;DR I ate 2 massive meals today and had sex with my boyfriend which resulted in me projectile vomiting everywhere.

We are now at hour 14 and I can say that this would have sucked in any situation.

I am sick. Confirming cancer diagnosis by trying to find the location of what is killing me. Dropped 60lbs in 2 weeks. A myriad of other symptoms that could be the new thing or my vEDs or my POTS or...

So, the next cancer location to rule out is bowel. A colonoscopy for those who have not enjoyed this treat.

As it has been through this whole experience, I have to hurry TF up just so I can wait for more testing. The lack of urgency surrounding my condition is frightening. But, I digress.

Last week, my skeletal frame was at 97lbs. I ballooned up so badly that I looked more pregnant than when I had actually been pregnant. I went from gaunt to delivery room.

A quick message to my doctor told me this was NOT concerning and to try a gentle stimulant laxative. They were already calling in Golytle (A half gallon of pure hell-inducing liquid you are expected to drink the day before a colonoscopy) to the pharmacy and I still needed to do that, but my procedure wasn't until 7/28, so, I should try Dulcolax in the mean time. 15mg. Full adult dose.

That asshole. My asshole.

The box says, "Trust Dulcolax tablets to relieve constipation in 6 to 12 hours".

I read that as, "Hey! We are so sorry that you are bloated and full of noxious gas and unable to find any relief. In no less than 6, but no more than 12 hours, you are going to have an obnoxiously foul smelling BM that will end this tyranny".

I can cheerfully say that I have never been more wrong in my life. I took those pills at 7pm last night. Around my 11pm bedtime, I was a little disappointed that I was still a grouchy and fit-to-burst swamp witch with a poop tumor. Those were the glory days, my friends. I should have known I was in the good days and reveled in my innocence.

Around midnight, it hit. Around 4am I crawled out of the bathroom to grab a drink because I was so dehydrated my POTS was in full swing and I was passing out when I stood up between rounds. Around 7am the dogs let me know that they now needed to use the restroom and I needed to take them out post haste.

Hurricane Borracho has finally passed. Well, the full effects of the storm have petered out, and I'm now just dealing with scattered showers.

There's no moral. There isn't even a life lesson. Just be grateful for any sleep you got last night, and thank your asshole. It does a lot for you and deserves your respect and gratitude.

TL:DR: Was promised gentle relief in 6 hours. Endured 8 hours of an Apoopcalypse.

This happened about 6 weeks ago.

I signed up to volunteer with my coworkers at a public park, not knowing what we’d be doing. We were told to wear our volunteer t-shirts, which turned out to be a huge mistake. The volunteer coordinator put us to work pulling up huge patches of English Ivy, which is an invasive species. Then he said “be careful not to disturb the poison ivy, it’s beneficial!”. As we got to work, I felt like everyone was working too slow, pulling up one 2-3 foot vine at a time and making little piles. I decided to prove to everyone (and to myself) that I was a badass. I figured out that if I kneeled, I could reach out a few feet in every direction and pull up massive piles of ivy. While others were carrying their individual strands, I was carrying bushels. And since I wasn’t bending over, I’d save my back. Genius!

The first FU, of course, was the poison ivy all over both arms. It took a few days to set in, but I was miserable for 3 weeks. But the unexpected second FU was that everyone I worked with thought I was a fucking weirdo for going at the ivy like a madman. I tried to chat up a coworker at an all-hands meeting (well before it started), and she pretended she didn’t hear me. I’ve noticed others acting coolly toward me too. I’ve somehow become “that guy”. Fortunately, I mostly work from home.

TL;DR: I tried to stand out at team event and looked like an idiot, while suffering for weeks with poison ivy. My coworkers weren’t lazy, they were just carefully avoiding the poison ivy that was apparently everywhere.

Not a massive problem, but I will be without Facebook for a while.

I just got a new phone and when I went to log it into Facebook, it said I was using an old password. If I had thought about it some more, I probably hit the wrong saved user name since the email changed after I graduated. Even though logic would say that if this saved password was wrong, my PC password would be wrong too.

Conveniently, my PC had the right password saved when I logged out and used the "view" option to fix the asterix. I typed it into my phone and hit login on my phone then clicked login on my PC.

When I looked back at my phone, it said I needed to authenticate the login using my PC. That's when I looked at my PC screen to see the same thing... It said I needed to authenticate it using my phone, which it listed as my old phone and my phone said to use my PC.

Email isn't enough I guess ya gotta send them a picture of your ID. I got the ID sent to them, so just time to wait. Fortunately I don't have a huge issue going without my Facebook but it's definitely annoying. My alt account on Reddit gets some use at least.

Tl;Dr: got a new phone and figured out my Facebook password by logging on on my PC which prompted both devices to request verification which required a phone I no longer had.

So this was a very interesting way to have spent my Friday night haha.

As a recap, I called my cat, Susan, the most beautiful girl in the world in front of my girlfriend, Liz. Liz got upset and left, and blocked me on everything. For those interested, there’s a picture of Susan on my page.

First, I’d like to say thank you for the comments—I had been kind of beating myself up over the whole incident but yeah, an adult woman being jealous of a cat is not the kind of energy I need in my life. Also I just gotta say I did get a good laugh out of some of the comments but I can assure you all I have a perfectly healthy human-cat relationship with Susan.

I spent the day just kinda going about my life. Around 10, I got a text from none other than Liz herself. She asked if she could come over and talk to me.

For a tiny bit of additional backstory/context: I am bisexual and polyamorous. These are both things about myself that I am VERY up front about, especially with people I’m romantically interested in. When Liz and I met, we bonded over our appreciation of shitty cartoons. She expressed interest first, and I told her my deal. I knew she was bi since we met, and when we sat down to have the conversation that started our relationship, she told me she was in an open relationship with her last partner and was down to do it again. Which, in retrospect, I feel I should’ve been more cautious about, but what can I say, when you see someone through rose-colored glasses, the red flags just look like flags.

Back to tonight, though.

I was torn on having Liz over, because a big part of me is just done, but on the other hand, she is someone I care about. So I gave her the okay to come by for a talk. When she came in, I could tell she was really upset, so I had her sit down and I got her some water.

I don’t want to share too much of what she told me, but there was more to her jealousy of my cat than I originally thought. She opened up about her ex. He was the one who initiated being open, he found another girl to date, he started spending more time with this other girl, and whenever he was around Liz, he’d either be texting her or talking about how great she was. He ended up leaving Liz for this other girl. Liz also said she wants to keep dating me, but she doesn’t want to be polyamorous.

I will say, I did feel a bit of guilt hearing this, because had I known, I would’ve dialed back the verbal love of Susan in front of Liz a little bit. Although I do love Susan more, Susan is indeed a cat. Cats don’t understand language the way humans do, so I’m sure words of affirmation are low on her list of love languages. Meanwhile, Liz is a human who can understand language, and words of affirmation mean a lot to her.

But, the situation with Susan and the conversation with Liz opened my eyes to the fact that we’re not compatible. I’ve tried monogamous relationships a few times, and a majority of them (meaning 2 out of 3) ended because I’m just not wired for that. I have not and will never cheat on anyone I’m dating, I want to make that perfectly clear.

So, I told Liz that, although I care about her and wish her nothing but the best, I can’t be what she needs. She cried, but said she understood.

We had popsicles—I know from experience that having something cold and sweet can be extremely helpful when having big emotions. I did end up telling her about my original post on here, and I let her read it. I was scared to do that, because I know it didn’t paint her in the best light. But she actually laughed and confessed that she felt a little unhinged at being jealous of a cat. I also asked her if I could make an update, and she said it was okay. Our conversation was a lot more in-depth than what I shared (seriously, if there’s a villain in this story, it’s her ex-boyfriend), and she asked that I not share a good majority of it. She gathered a few random things she had at my place, and then she left.

As for Susan, she spent the entire night nestled between us. Liz was petting her a lot, too.

I feel this is probably the best way this situation could’ve ended. I don’t know if Liz is going to remain a part of my life in any significant capacity, but I truly hope she does well and is able to heal. I’m going to text her best friend tomorrow and ask them to check in on her.

TL;DR: My (now officially ex) and I had a good conversation, we both got some closure, and I wish her well.

I'll keep this as short and sweet as I can, this JUST happened and I'm still crying with laughter at it.

For background, I am lactose intolerant but lucky that it's not 'spend the day on the toilet' LI, and instead 'clear a room with nuclear farts' LI.

Anyway. I have had some Cadbury fudge bars today, rookie mistake, Cadbury always sets me off but these are the mini ones so I figured a couple can't hurt, right? Wrong. So wrong. I never even saw/felt this one coming. I'm rocking my sweet, innocent and oh so unaware five month old to sleep. He's just shut his eyes and it happens. Silent but deadly. My god it was so bad, I wanted to leave the room. This poor child just opened his eyes, looked at me so offended and horrified and cried his little heart out at the sheer stink his mother just made seconds after he fell asleep. I swear I don't make a habit of laughing at crying infants but I just couldn't help myself and now I'm having to cross my legs to stop myself weeing with laughter while he nurses back to sleep again.

TL;DR: Ate chocolate, farted baby awake with horrendous smell.

I have a senior cat who physically does NOT act like a senior cat. She plays like a kitten and requires lots of stimulation. However, she is not that smart. For the past few days I haven't been feeling great so I haven't been playing with her as much as normal. It has also been really hot in my place. I always open my bedroom window at night. So a few nights ago at about 11pm I am just chilling watching TV in a lazy boy type chair.

Out of nowhere, with absolutely zero warning, I feel something smash into the side of my head and then a piercing pain. I was so confused but quickly realized my cat was the flying projectile that had just slammed into my face and the piercing pain was her latching onto my head with her claws. My gut instinct was to first promptly remove her from my face and then yell loud "WHAT THE HELL are you doing! I am going to kill you if you do that again!!" It was not a playful yell. I was seriously angry. I may have said a few more strongly worded things. She scurried away and I began to assess the damage. No, I do not abuse my cat or threaten to seriously kill her. It was just something I blurted out as I was attacked by her. I honestly think she was hunting me and I didn't know it. She's 13 and has never done anything like this before. While this was happening my wife was downstairs doing something so she heard me yell and asked what was wrong and I told her.

Now we have newish (6 months maybe?) neighbors who are always outside. Usually not late but just hang out and can definitely hear things from my place is my windows are open and someone would yell loudly. We are friendly with them but not close. We've chatted in passing briefly but never really hung out or anything like that. My wife had exchanged phone numbers with the woman neighbor in case they ever need us to grab a delivery for them or need anything (just a friendly neighborly gesture). They've been living next to us a few months and my wife and her have texted a few times about grabbing a package as I mentioned, or just saying, they are out on vacation, just to keep our eyes open etc.

So the day after the "cat incident" the woman neighbor texts my wife, saying something to the effect of "Hi, just checking in to make sure everything is ok and to say hi!". My wife said yeah everythings good etc etc. not connecting the incident the night prior at all. Well I was out doing something in the yard and the man neighbor who I'm friendly with , we always say hi etc, just glared at me and walked back inside when I went out. (very obvious diss at this point) At this point I remembered that my window was open the night before and he probably thought I was threatening to kill my wife.

I plan on bringing it up at some point with them so they don't think I'm a wife abuser, but as of right now my neighbors likely think I want to kill my wife and am an abusive person all because my cat didn't get enough attention for a couple days!

TL;DR My cat attacked me, I yelled at my cat and threatened her, now my neighbors think I am an abuser and want to kill my wife.

My dad got home today, he works out of state. Stays home about 1 week per month, sometimes much less. He got his first job like that before I was even born, so I got used to it.

First of all, context to why I feel even more bad about saying that after all they have gone trough:

Now, getting into the problem. I cannot stand my (40F) mom. She’s a stay at home mom, by the way. She and my dad (47M) are total polar opposites. My dad has some dark humor like me, acts like me and I believed when people tell me I’m the literal copy of him, but as a woman. I’ve also had some problems with her. Like that one time she found some messages where I was telling a friend I felt I was into a girl when I was 13 and she got me 2 different conversion therapists. Even told me if my dad were to find out he would divorce her and it all “would be my fault”. First teraphist was religious as fuck and the second was kind chill, way more young. One day we were talking and she just said: “You know being gay isn’t normal, right?” I stopped talking to her.

I also don’t have an exactly big connection to her. Everyone says she took care of me always, but all the memories of me being taken care of where between our maid or my grandpa and myself.

Another part of why my parents don’t get along can be described in two problems. My dad has cheated on her, and his family doesn’t like her.

My mom is from a little town in the north side of the country. My dad’s family who isn’t exactly wealthy, but has money, considered her poop and disrespected her. Before my sister (10) was born they were saying things like that my sisters was going to be black because my grandpa (mother side) is really tan. My dad didn’t want to cut them off, but he had to. My parents decided to cut contact since 2014 till some months ago.

And the other problem is he cheated on her while being away. It kind of shocked me, and made me feel even a little sad, but I kind of got excited. They always fight. Always. I wanted them to divorce. But they didn’t. Which isn’t healthy.

My mom also gets offended easily, and my dad’s sea of humor doesn’t help. We traveled to the YS some weeks ago and came back about 2 weeks ago. The last day on the US we were shopping and I asked my dad how much he had in cash because I was going to ask him if we could buy ice cream (y’all have to try the ice cream in Pineapple Lanai it’s fucking good), and he said he carried about 20 bucks. I said okay, and actually didn’t care. Not that I was going to die without the ice cream. My mom overheard and got mad. She was picking herself a purse on the store, and when my dad said he had 20 bucks (he had more in our country’s money, didn’t have wifi to do the exchange) and asked what we were talking about. My dad kinda got mad about her being mad about our chat, so he said “nothing”. She got mad and said she didn’t want another purse anymore. She ran out of the store, not before looking at us and saying to my dad fuck you. My dad started crying. He asked me if I understood what my mom meant by leaving like that. I got it, but pretended I didn’t get it. I cried tho.

Yesterday she asked me out of the fucking blue that if she divorces my dad I would staywith her. I said: “No.” And she got offended. My dad looked at me weird. And now I feel bad. She asked this type of questions before, but never in front of my dad. My answers wasn’t what she was expecting. Now I just started feeling bad. She isn’t talking to me, ignores me and I feel fucking bad.

TLDR: My mom asked me if I would stay with her if she and my dad divorced. I said no. She’s offended.

I (26M) have a cat, Susan (7F). She is the absolute love of my life. I’ve had her for five years, we had an immediate bond, she’s been with me through thick and thin. I may be biased but she’s also a very pretty cat. She’s a brown and orange calico with a white belly and legs, and she has a very pretty face. I compliment her all the time because I love her so much and I want her to know how much I love her even if she can’t understand English.

My girlfriend (25F), who I will call Liz, and I have been together for about two months now. She’s not the biggest cat person, and Susan is very shy so it’s taken Susan a bit of time to warm up to Liz. She’s not aggressive to Liz or anything. She just hides when Liz comes over, and occasionally she’d peak her head out to see if Liz was gone yet. Lately, Susan’s been coming out more when Liz is over, and she’s even started going to Liz for pets.

Now, whenever Susan comes out when Liz is around, I do turn my attention to Susan so that she has a positive association with Liz. I’ll stop and pet her if she’s close enough, or I just say “Hi, pretty girl!” when she peaks her head out.

That’s not to say I don’t give Liz ample attention when we’re together. I’m seldom on my phone around Liz. I give her lots of physical affection and compliments when appropriate.

Yesterday I had Liz over and we were watching Family Guy together. We were cuddling and just zoned out on the couch together when Susan came out and climbed in my lap. I started petting her and telling her how much I love her, as I usually do.

Here’s where I fucked up: As I was petting Susan and talking to her, I told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Liz got up and went to the bathroom, and I didn’t think much of it, even when she was in there for a while. When she came out, she was clearly upset. I asked her what was wrong, and she accused me of being a weirdo who loves his cat more than the “actual human woman” sitting next to him. I was honestly kinda dumbfounded because 1. We haven’t gotten to the “I love you” stage yet and 2. It’s my cat? And I honestly do love Susan more than Liz. Which is something I knew I shouldn’t say in that moment. But also I wasn’t about to lie, or be pressured into saying something I’m not ready to say yet. So I sat there, just staring at Liz for a moment until she huffed, grabbed her keys, and left.

After about an hour, I went to text her to see if she made it home alive, only to find she had blocked me. I was upset, but Susan is incredibly empathetic to me and came running to sit with me.

As of now, Liz still hasn’t unblocked me so I guess I’m single again? Good riddance I guess.

Tl;dr: my girlfriend accused me of loving my cat more than her and probably broke up with me.

UPDATE: I posted a picture of the most beautiful girl in the world (Susan) on my profile!

EDIT: I posted an update here!

NSFW:sexual content?-for those squeamish Graphic warning...

I (28F) have been very stressed out recently. I have had a lot to do this past month for work and have felt like I have barely been present in my life at home due to it. Things have been a little neglected on my part. I decided this weekend I was going to change all of that. I got sick, but decided I can still take a nice shower, maybe freshen up below as it's a bit over grown right now (I prefer you be trimmed up, the heat affects me otherwise) and I thought maybe after I could show my fiancé.. Well here's where we start to go wrong. I am tired and I want to relax and therefore be done with the most tedious part. Trimming up. I do it before the bath so I can rinse and feel nice and clean and not have all that hair in my shower. Okay, so don't heavily judge me, I've tried trimmer machines but... they pull/nip and it hurts so I b*tch out and use scissors. I get myself all positioned and ready for trimming with my scissors. The FIRST PASS I cut way too confidently. I cut off a slightly smaller than a grain of short rice piece of my labia minora. Guys. This has never happened before. I felt dumb and tried to stay calm. I wasn't bleeding heavily. So I googled if I needed stitches or go to the doctor/ER. Basically everything I've read says unless I keep bleeding or a few other things (down the line when healing), I shouldn't need a doctor. I am still reading when I am starting to get hot. I start feeling like I'm going to pass out. I text for my fiancé in the other room and tell him what I did. Sweet man comes and just rubs my back. He tells me he's done similar to himself and that I'm going to be okay. Panic subsides. I take a shower. Now here I am crying to reddit because ffs..I just wanted to relax and kick today's ass not take off my damn lips.

Going to try a new kind of trimmer when I am healed up... sufficed to say I didn't finish the job today.

TL;DR: I have put off trimming up for a minute due to stress. Decided to spruce it up today, used my scissors to snip too quickly and snipped a small piece of my labia minora off.

This happened last week but for context, my mom and me (18) don't have a close relationship, but she does have a close relationship with my younger half siblings which hurts. She can have candid and fun conversations with them but with me, it's like she always has a wall up when I try to talk to her. It doesn't only end at conversations.

They can go for lunches/dinners without me. They go on day outings and she justifies it with the fact that I am older and probably wouldn't enjoy it. The worst was probably on Christmas day last year. I woke up to the sound of the car driving off. They went to spend the day at my stepdad's mom's house. I spent Christmas by myself reading a book.

I've spent so much time wrecking my brain trying to figure what I'm doing wrong as it hasn't always been this way. I do well at school, I do chores, I cook, I babysit my siblings when she needs me too. Her 50th birthday was last weekend. She was really looking forward to it. Had a whole dinner planned with close friends and family.

I took all my savings and bought her what I thought was a really nice necklace. I asked opinions from everyone I could and took her taste into consideration too. It cost me $500 (well it was 479) and I also had it wrapped and included a box of chocolates. During the dinner party I was really excited and nervous to give it to her. When it came time to open her presents. She was ooing and aaing at all of them and, she even got tearful thanking everyone.

When it was time for my gift, she opened it and with this disgusted look on her face she said something along the lines of its nice thanks. I felt so small but I just tried to forget about her reaction. I thought maybe I was reading too much into it. That was until I saw my stepdad's sister wearing it the other day. Turns out my mom gifted it to her because she it wasn't her style and didn't like it. I died a little inside. I don't think she even ate the chocolates because I saw the kids eat them.

TL:DR I bought my mom an expensive necklace and she decided to gift it to my step aunt.

This happened back in April, it only just recently stopped being completely mortifying and became funny enough for me to feel okay posting it lol.

The day my mom passed away, I sat in the living room with some of my family. She had been sick for awhile, and in that time my cousin had found some necklaces at my moms house and brought them to me.

One of them was a skinny silver capsule, maybe an inch and a half long. My cousin insisted it was an “intention stick”, like where you write on a slip of paper and roll it up inside the pendant. After my mom died, it felt like an appropriate time to open it.

I look inside the capsule, and saw what looked like white paper. “Ah so it is an intention stick” I think, as a try to shake it out into my hand.

But no paper comes out. It’s ashes. in my hand. I’ve just dumped ashes into my hand. My great aunt’s cremains, specifically.

I’m sitting there having a heart attack while someone in the room helps me brush off my hands onto a piece of paper and get the ashes back into their little container.

At exactly this moment my cousin walks in, and asks what I’m doing. I start freaking out internally because the ashes were HER MOM’S. I thought she’d be horrified, maybe even offended.

But instead, she started laughing. Like, flat out cackling. “My mom still found a way to make her grand appearance today, she would have found this fucking hilarious.”.

She was right, her mom would have found it absolutely hilarious. My mom would have too. I bet you they were laughing their asses off together in the beyond after that little fuck up of mine.

TLDR: Don’t dump things into your hand without really checking what they are first. It may be human cremains.

I (28 F) just entered a relationship with my new boyfriend (27, M) a month ago. Before dating him, I was talking to people on and off online for two years and never getting to the relationship stage with anyone else until him. This is my first relationship after starting to date and talk to people online. So this is the first relationship I've started where I've had to delete or block tons of people from my snapchat and Instagram and block people's numbers from my phone. But I wasn't thinking about people reaching out to me; I was just getting rid of them because I had no intentions of reaching out again. Because of this, I deleted their numbers instead of being smart and blocking them.

Fast forward four amazing weeks, and we're hanging out at his apartment, and a random number texts me and just says "him." I say wtf out loud because there's no context for who ever "him" was. He asks what's going on and I tell him. Then the number corrects itself with hi. I ask "who is this" and the person responds so and so from tinder. So I say "sorry I have a boyfriend now." Later my bf asks who it was and I tell him it was someone from tinder that was messaging me bc halfway through deleting old contacts I met on tinder I realized I should've been blocking the numbers instead but then it was too late and that I was stupid

. The messanger responds saying "but what about our date last week." I again say wtf bc I was never on any date last week. So my bf asks what he said, and I showed him saying again wtf. So I text the number back: "who do you think this is" and the number never responds. I can tell he's uncomfortable, so I'm trying to read him or maybe look for reassurance from him, so I'm just looking up at him for a while. He tells me he's uncomfortable and asks me to stop looking at him. He tells me that he's concerned about what the guy said and tells me that I would he uncomfortable if I was in his situation. I agree with him, but tell him that I never went out with anyone else. He says what the guy says back will be telling. Either he will say your name that he knows you. Or he will have possibly mixed you up with someone else, and he will tell us that, and everything will be fine. I ask what happens if he never responds because we were waiting in agony (I was at last) for a while.

He basically said that that could mean that he realized he has the wrong person but that he would be foolish to not ignore what was said because of the possibility that it could be true. He's been cheated on in the past where something like this came up and he ignored it and he did end up getting cheated on. He's also been cheated on by someone else who was bipolar, so he thinks I'm going to cheat because I'm bipolar. When I asked if he thought I would cheat on him, he said he didn't think I would intentionally, but maybe that I had while manic or something. I told him I didnt do it, and he said his cheating exes said the same thing. I got that, but I asked him what else I was supposed to say? That I did cheat on him when I didn't? Of course I was going to say that I didn't do it because I didn't do it! But to him that was like an admission of guilt. So we're my tears of frustration and fear. Probably to him I was crying because I got caught. But I was crying because I couldn't prove to him that I didn't do anything. We tried calling the guy. He didn't answer for me or for him. We go back and forth for a bit. He asks why he would say that. He even looks up an article on what people say back typically when they are told someone they're pursuing has a boyfriend

. I can only imagine that he either has the wrong person, or he's pissed off that I am no longer able to talk to and possibly date him, so he lies and says we went on a date when we didn't to throw a wrench in my new relationship. My boy friend doesn't think that could be the case. To me it's the only other thing that makes sense besides him having really messaged the wrong person. But if he messaged the wrong person, why would he have never responded to the question "who do you think this is?" I even asked him to please respond respond at one point. If he just mixed me up with someone else, he would've told me who he thought it was, and we would have moved on. But if he was trying to throw a wrench into my relationship, he would either say my name or just not respond. I suppose if that's really what he was doing, he would have said my name to really frame me. But either way, he never responded, so my boyfriend told me he would have to be cautious now, and pull back, and move at a slower pace with me. I asked if he would ever be able to trust me again. I worried that he would forever look at me differently and that the relationship would never be able to really develope because for now on he is holding back and trying to play it safe when in reality there is nothing to worry about. I never met up with the guy.

He told me that we were good at one point and that we should just go on like normal. But I can't get it out of my head that our relationship will never be the same now because he will always somewhere in his mind think that I may have done it. Because the guy couldn't simply respond and clear my name. Either some guy accidentally and carelessly ruined my relationship by saying that and then neglecting to respond or someone was pissed off and intentionally tried to mess up my relationship. Either way, all of this would've been avoided if id just blocked the numbers in the first place. The confusing part is that I recognized the name as someone that I had talked to off of Tinder. How did he confuse me for someone else?

TL;DR: I started a new relationship after online dating for two years. I deleted old phone numbers of people I talked to on and off for that time instead of blocking them. One of those people messaged me a month into my new relationship and after I told him I had a boyfriend he said but what about the date we had last week and my boyfriend saw that message. I never had a date with anyone. Now i wonder why this person said that and I am struggling with my boyfriend possibly thinking I cheated on him.

So this did not happen 100% "today" but its a somewhat silly story that I have been holding on for a while and I really wanted to share it so that is what I am going to do in this post.

So on to the story, several years back I got a XP USB pen for a birthday gift and since then I have used it to make several random little doodles, (not good art but the kind of crap you would see on a private notebook) then one day when I was really bored I created this thing: a blue haired crop top wearing alien/humanoid girl that I named "Moki" (yes I know it looks stupid I made it when just experimenting with my pen) anyway, I posted the character to my socials and it got mildly popular, not viral levels but small including a few fanarts, a story written about her (by me) and I even bought a custom plushie of her from budsies, needless to say I loved the character I created

Anyway on to the IFU part, after a while I wanted to take it one step further, I noticed there was a sub about NSFW art requests, and one user said they were doing R34 of characters sent to them so I thought "hey, Imagine if there was R34 of one of my creations" so I asked for 34 of Moki. Now when I requested this I expected something lewd but otherwise normal like she would be nude or have a huge ass or something like that but NOOOO I got something wayyyy more vile. (this is where it gets nasty).

After a few days passed, I forgot about it but then suddenly I got a DM from a user with a link and the comment "I hope you like scat" at first I was confused but when I saw who sent it my heart just sank, it was the one I requested the R34 one from, that could only mean one thing: behind that blue clickable was a picture of my beloved Moki, my blue haired buddy, the character I cherished for years, doing something coprophilic.

I didn't want to click it but I was curious so I did and when the picture loaded I saw it, my lovely girl, blue hair and all with a tube, one side in her mouth and the other in her ass, with shit coming from the ass to her mouth. It was like the human centipede but with only one person. I could not believe what I was seeing, I just wanted some lewd fanart and I get the world's nastiest fetish known to man.

Now while it was my fault for asking for it, I want to know: Who in their right mind would automatically go to scat fetish when asked for R34? Jeez

TL;DR: on a sub about R34 art requests, I asked for an OC R34 pic expecting minorly lewd but ended up getting a nasty shit fetish drawing of a character that I created and loved for years

(I still have the pic BTW)

Back before we were parents whenever my husband would make a particularly heinous joke I would tell him that the joke was so bad he was now a father.

Fast forward to today, we’re actually parents but I still tell him I’m pregnant whenever he tells a dad joke.

The other day I was at work and he texted a joke that he was particularly proud of and I shared it with my (female) boss. We laughed and I told her I was going to reply that I was pregnant because it was such a strong dad joke. “Tell him I’m pregnant too!”

I texted back, “I’m pregnant. (Bosses name) is in labor.”

We laugh and move on with our day until I get a text from my dad, “Another baby! So excited for you and your cousin!” My boss shares a first name with my cousin. I had accidentally texted my dad that I was pregnant.

I called him immediately and he answered the phone with, “Here’s the mother of two!” I explained the mistake and he was disappointed but amused. Now the entire office is making pregnancy jokes.

The Dad Joke: What does a vampire ballerina wear? A Nosferatutu.

Tldr: I told by husband his dad joke had made me pregnant but texted my dad instead.

We moved into our house about 6 months ago. And to make a long story short, we should have kept looking rather than buying this house. With everything that’s f****d up about the house, I hadn’t paid much attention to the doorknobs, but I thought all the doorknobs inside the house were the same.

Until today.

Kid 2 (8F on the autism spectrum) starts banging in her room. I go up to see what the problem is. Her door is locked from the inside. And she has somehow managed to lock herself in her closet.

Which is inside her locked room.

No problem. All the inside doorknobs downstairs can be opened with a butter knife or screwdriver.

Not hers. I try all the other things I’ve used in the past to unlock interior doors. Nothing works. I check YouTube and the almighty Google to see if there’s a way to unlock it or remove the knob from outside. I get a hammer and try to beat the door knob off the door. I managed to break the doorknob mostly off and still couldn’t get the door open.

Meanwhile she’s locked in a closet that has no air conditioning but does have an access point to the area under the roof that lets super hot air in. She’s screaming that I need to get her out NOW and having a full on meltdown.

So I got to call 9-1-1. They sent the police. And two fire trucks. And the paramedics. Heck, they might have called the coast guard and marines for all I know.

One axe, one sledgehammer, and 15 minutes later they got her out. And I have now removed all doorknobs until I can buy and install new ones. And a new door, because I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to fix it with duct tape and glue.

TL;DR-Didn’t realize upstairs bedrooms didn’t have easy open doorknobs. Kid’s room door has several new holes, but at least it’s open.

Happened two days ago but I thought it was a funny facepalm your moment. Altogether pretty wholesome for a TIFU but thought I would post anyway. (TL;DR at the bottom)

A bit of backstory- my inlaws have a longstanding tradition where every year they and their highschool friends rent lake houses on the same lake and have parties, bonfires, boat rides, skiing, tubing, the general lake vacation activities. Over the years, their group has grown with having kids, kids bringing significant others, and now the kids bringing kids of their own.

The past 3 years all the grandbabies got matching outfits or shirts for a group picture, this year was my time to shine. I offered to make some custom shirts with my cricut for the 7 littles that will be there this year. I have my heat press vinyl, I have my computer, and a cool idea in my head and set to work.

I run to the local big box store to pick up bright colorful shirts for my design. Problem is all the bright colorful shirts have ugly designs already on there. My options are black and white. Ugh. I check the craft section where there's usually a couple of options of plain shirts for this same purpose. No luck... But there is a tie dye kit. Bingo! I'll dye the white shirts all fun and bright. Cool game on!

I set to work folding, twisting, rubber banding, and patiently wait for my toddler to wake from her nap so we can do this fun arts and crafts project together. I figured she could pick the colors and possibly with my guidance, she could squirt it on the shirt. Fast forward to this actually playing out. I set up in the grass in my back yard to avoid staining anything, and start squirting the colors my daughter picks out onto the shirts. It's working great! I see a lot of excess dye in the grass so I moved to a fresh area for each shirt while my daughter runs around shouting colors and running back and forth handing me bottles. She's having a blast!

My husband comes to the yard to check on progress, and notices tiny footprints all across our concrete patio. And asked why I was dying her in the process. I look up from my masterpieces and realize my daughter has been running through and kneeling in the excess dye in the grass. The bottoms of her feet were black and large splotches are up her legs, it was adorable. We finish our project and I decide to clean this kid up.

The more I scrub the dye off this kid, the more it's looking like awful bruises. The poor girl looked absolutely battered. We're due to hop on a plane in a couple days and I'm trying to figure out how best to dress her to cover her legs so we don't get funny looks and possibly get cps called on us for having a bruised and battered child. Then the realization hits me... I don't have to worry about someone in the airport... I have to worry about the pediatrician the next day. I'm googling ways to get dye off skin and tried everything. It's looking worse and worse every time. Defeated, I give up and settle for just explaining and hope they realize that it's not bruises and my child is very loved and not abused.

Fast forward to the next day at the doctor. The nurse gives my daughters poor legs a look and I immediately splurt out 'she was in a tie dye accident!' the nurse looks at me as if to say 'huh?!' and I tell her 'before anything- I swear it's not bruises all over her legs and feet- we were tie dying shirts and she decided to play in the work area resulting in her legs looking like that. She gave a quick once over to my daughter and agreed that when you look closer, it definitely looked like dye but not with a quick glance.

TL;DR: tie dyed a bunch of shirts for a family vacation resulting in my toddler being dyed and looking like a battered and abused child right before a doctor visit making me think they were going to call child protective services on me

I had been with this really amazing girl for 9 months, when she gave me a marriage ultimatum, Ring by Year two or she was out, keep in mind we’re both 24. Now I strongly considered marrying her within the next few years, and over the course of those 9 months she fully took on being involved in my daughter’s life. She’ll probably always be the one who got away: great job, great family, very attractive, made solid financial decisions, was fully independent, just excelled in all of the measurables. That being said, as amazing as she was, things hadn’t been going great for the last month prior to the ultimatum, but upon the ultimatum it really just changed the way I looked at her. We’ve been broken up for three weeks, I’m certainly not ready to date, but I had added a few people on Snapchat from “quickadd”, and one of them was a girl around my age. I just slid up on her story with a generic pickup line, and she responded with “pay for my nails”, I politely declined, and moved on with my day, a few days later I slide up on her story and say “I will take you to dinner though” I know, I know, cringy and obviously just not gonna end up well. Then we exchanged a quick selfie, like literally just a selfie and I never heard back, assumed she just didn’t like what she saw, no sweat off my back either way. Well, I got a text from my ex, didn’t know what to expect other than perhaps she was bored/lonely and wanted to, well yaknow. Well… it was a screenshot of me hitting on that girl, who happened to be my exs sister. To make it worse, prior to leaving the last time I saw her, i had proposed we go grab a smoothie in 30 days, I thought that was bad enough. But apparently her sister is 17. Now this was a complete coincidence as it’s one of her (12) Half siblings, and I had never met her, seen her, known her name, anything. I believe she also lives like an 18 hr drive from me

TL;DR I accidentally hit on my exs sister. Three weeks after the breakup.

This happened a few years ago. This will be kind of long, but definitely worth the read!

I live in a place where people drive like they can’t die. After a few close calls I was inspired to install dashcams in both mine and my partners vehicles to have evidence of any future chicanery. They are great cams with front, rear, and interior feeds.

A couple months after I got them up and running, we went on a cruise for a week. Before we left, my sister in law asked if she could use our condo for a “mini girls trip” and told us she would be staying there with some of her girlfriends part of the time and just taking some me time for the other part. Her husband was working and taking classes and wouldn’t be coming with her, which will be important later. Magnanimous people that we are, we happily agreed and gave her all the details she would need to have a great stay, including access to our car.

Fast forward to a week after we got back from our cruise. The dashcam we have automatically records over old videos to make room for new ones, but on an impulse I decided to look over videos from when we were gone just to make sure nothing crazy happened while the SIL borrowed our car. As I was skimming through I noticed that the camera angle looked odd, and upon further inspection I saw that someone had adjusted the interior camera so that you couldn’t see the driver or passenger. As I looked at earlier videos I noticed that the arm that I saw on the steering wheel did not belong to my sister in law, but to a man that was not her husband. Audio and footage from the front and rear cam confirmed that there was some dude I had never met driving my sister in law around town.

Wondering why the fuck some random dude was driving our car without permission I asked my partner if she knew anything and she was just as confused as I was. All the videos from before the camera was moved had already been recorded over, but after looking a little closer and catching a glimpse of them leaving the car, she suspected it was a super toxic ex from years before. She called her sister to confront her about it. Since this was family business I stayed quiet and just listened, but this is where it gets crazy.

When my partner asked her if any men had been in the house with her, she said no just her and her girlfriends. When my wife brought up the footage, she caved immediately and admitted that her ex had been in our house with her.

We had gone to a family reunion in the town where my partner grew up, and apparently while we were all there my sister in law had reconnected with her ex. They had been talking for a couple months after she got back and they planned a little getaway. She lied to us about why she was using our home and this little scumbag flew across the country to come and stay with her in our house. There were there alone for 4 days and nights, and from what little I saw and heard on camera, they were pretty flirty while they were in the car. We even caught a glimpse of them holding hands coming out of a building on the front cam before they broke off to get in the car.

Sister in law swore up and down that they didn’t have sex and that he didn’t stay there, but there’s video of him getting inside our car late at night from inside the garage, which only opens from the inside or with the opener in the car. Obviously we were both pretty pissed about being lied to and about her using our house to cheat on her husband, who is the nicest guy and dotes on her hand and foot, basically worships the ground she walks on.

She told us that because since her husband had gained weight she didn’t find him attractive anymore, so she wasn’t having sex with him anymore and was starved for an orgasm. Remember, she also swore up and down that she didn’t fuck this guy that was sleeping in our house with her for 4 days, but that was her excuse for rekindling things with her ex.

We had gotten pretty close before all this happened and we both loved the guy, so my partner told her that she needed to tell him or she would. She also wanted to talk to him after she told him to make sure. She was pretty pissed about that and felt like we were boxing her in, but she eventually agreed. To this day we have no idea exactly what she told him, but when my partner talked to him the next day we could hear her in the background while he was on the phone, and he just said he was fine and didn’t have anything else to say.

After this, sister in law cut us off and hasn’t talked to me since. She will still talk to her sister occasionally, but usually only at family gatherings or when she wants something. Because I found the footage, she seems to have put all the blame on me and even accused me of being a pervert for looking back at the dashcam videos, which leads me to believe there might have been more damning footage that was recorded over before I got to it a week after. My brother in law has also cut us off, and I haven’t seen him in years because of this, which sucks because we got along really well. They are still married, but I still worry about him and wonder how he’s doing. Also, her ex paired his phone to our car as “coochi bandit” with that exact spelling, so there’s that.

TL,DR: I checked old dashcam videos and caught my sister in law cheating, now she won’t talk to us anymore

EDIT: her husband does know the general details of what happened. When my partner talked to him the next day he just seemed numb about the situation. SIL told him what happened, but she almost certainly spun it to make herself the victim. We’ve tried to reach out since, but he has ignored all attempts. He cut us off the same time she did.