How do I accept the fact I’ll be alone forever? Venting
How do I accept the fact I’ll be alone forever?
Exactly what the title says. I (33M) have been in one relationship in my life. That was during college and while it was very serious (lasted four-plus years), it ended a decade ago. I can probably count on two hands the number of dates I’ve been on since.
I just don’t see how I will ever meet a woman who is romantically interested in me. I have very little social life, I have a small group of friends from a former job and basically no one I talk to anywhere near regularly outside from them and my parent and sibling. I don’t have many hobbies. I have depression and social anxiety, and it’s the last one that I feel really holds me back. I’m not the type to go out to events or places by myself and talk to strangers; I’m just not. As much as the thought of being alone terrifies me, the thought of putting myself out there like that, being uncomfortable and risking rejection, might be even worse.
I know that statistically speaking I will probably find someone, but in truth there’s a very large part of me that absolutely is convinced I will never find love again. I had my chance and blew it, and that’s that. I know for a fact my ex has moved on, and part of me is happy for her, but I also feel… jealous, I guess. In truth, if I could go back in time and try to correct the mistakes I made that led to the breakup, I would.
It sucks. I miss intimacy. I hate feeling like everyone but me has someone, like I’m missing key milestones. I miss having a partner and the feeling of being in love. Part of me is sad about the fact I’ll never have a kid, even though I try to rationalize it by telling myself it’s best I won’t pass my genes on (my mental health sucks, and I do wonder if it’s ethical to bring a child into such a troubled world) but ultimately that’s largely something I say to just make myself feel better.
I know I have a tendency to see the grass as “always being greener,” and I know things I value now, like autonomy, will change if I had a relationship, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am just desperate. Yes, I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship, but why does it have to be one of those two? Being alone is literally my worst fear, and I genuinely believe that’s my fate. It sucks. It truly is enough to make me want to end it sometimes, if I’m being completely honest.
Life could be worse, absolutely. But why do I feel like I’m missing such a vital part of life, and why am I condemned to such a fate of loneliness?
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u/dawnie7319 2d ago
I too have horrible social anxiety so I'm starting small. Lately I've been trying to hangout with my coworkers more because I have known them forever now. Like 10 years and yes it has taken me this long to do things with them outside of work but it's a start.
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u/goldenfalcon07 2d ago edited 2d ago
From my experience this is the best approach. Start small with people you know. Like work collegues, then after a while move on to hobby groups or talk to people in public. It’s never easy in the beginning and took me a year to fully embrace being social, but if you push through the early awkwardness, I think you got this. And friends will be swarming your way.
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u/Pushpushki 2d ago
This is an uncanny spitting image of myself put into words which I haven't done "publicly" before. Every T is crossed and every i is dotted.
Some minor differences, albeit still the essence is the same.
Now... what I am trying to do is get my physical safe into an acceptable shape. Stemming from the fact I wasn't taking care of myself previously.
I am toying with the thought of finally going out alone. I hate the idea but I'm trying to wire in my brain in such a way that I will be doing it because I want to enjoy the thing I am going out for, and not for other people... tough as f*** to do and I know I'll chicken out 99.5% of the time.
I need to learn to love myself...
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u/NaughtyNinja1 2d ago
I like to think that I'm connected to everything around me. That I'm just another thing that's alive, and to watch other beings. It helps, but it doesn't offset the fact that we just need human company in my opinion.
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u/Fun_Parsnip6511 2d ago
I really think you need to stop focusing on finding someone and really just put yourself out there just be yourself and honestly you will attract someone. It seems that you aren’t really going out. My recommendation would be to join a group. I joined a group called 222 it’s available available in my city where you get invited to go to this event. Everyone there doesn’t know each other but you can meet some really great people. I’ve had wonderful conversations with many people, I download the app called Meetup and I join groups that have similar interest to me. I found a group that I am able to practice my French with. I’ve also found a skate group where I can practice skating. I have the Disney pass so I join one of the Disney pass group so basically they have the Disney pass. We all meet up at Disney and just hang out. With these groups there’s so many options and everyone’s so willing to welcome new people in because that’s the point of these types of groups. There’s some groups like I want to do this, but not alone and post what they want to do and a group of people just show up and do it together.
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u/Fun_Parsnip6511 2d ago
By the way, when you go to these events, don’t expect to talk to everyone and don’t expect to make any immediate connection and I’ll honestly most of the people I talk to today that I’ve met on these groups after a few times of being in the same group we eventually found that we have things in common or we’re able to talk very easily. It doesn’t happen immediately so just keep going And you know you can be upfront and say I’m a little shy and you know what a lot of people are very understanding. I’ve been upfront about having anxiety and you know what they opened up about having the same similar issues as me many people have similar situations just some people are able to mask it a lot better and actually made us closer after we spoke about it. Everyone in these groups is very open and are expecting all types of characters so it’s actually very easy to speak to them without being afraid.
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u/robbobeh 2d ago
You just accept it and get on with life. I’m mid 40’s, it’s a fact that I’ve accepted. There is no romance left in this life. From here on it’s a solo journey.
The best thing you can do is realize how truly free you become. I come and go as I please. My house is decorated exactly how I like. I can do what I want when I want and there’s nobody to answer to.
I recommend that you stop looking at what isn’t there and embrace the freedom you have. Drink more water, find a couple of hobbies you enjoy, and just enjoy your peaceful life.
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u/Available_Bass9725 2d ago
just turn your heart into an icicle and get a profession that will eliminate your empathy or anything of that kind. for example become a butcher or start working at the morgue or as some kind of graveyard keeper. these jobs will help you dehumanize the human life and you will no longer need anyone in your life because you will know that everyone is just an equal bag of meat and organs and the blood
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u/Haruzak1 2d ago
Good one. Sometimes I wondered if it's really fun working in morgue or in graveyard. Human is just piles of meat and junks anyway.
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u/mars_was_blue_too 2d ago
I’ve accepted it. I think because I’m such a people person and wanted to be in love so much the 10 years of it never happening and constant dreaming were so intense it was like going through 50 years of it. So now I’ve just given it up and honestly I’m fine. Like there are of course times where it gets depressing and I see couples or whatever and feel sad but I just know that it’s not something I could ever actually have because I’m such an abnormal personality and there’s just no one who exists who I could have a relationship with, and I like who I am and I’d rather be alone as myself than in love as someone else. So I’ve just kind of gotten over it for the most part. I’ll never get over having no friends but I’m also kind of just too fatigued over the intense constant misery of it that it’s burned out and I feel a bit better. All I care about now is achieving something, being really good at something, that’s the next dream for this cruel existence to humiliate into dust while I’m left in the backrooms endlessly searching for something to make it worthwhile instead of a horrifying lonely hellscape.
I can’t believe normal people actually have nice lives and feel kind of at least a bit ok about being alive but I don’t even care if that ever happens to me anymore, I’ve basically just given up with all my heart which has turned my attention genuinely towards other things, if you try to give up but your soul is still longing for those things it doesn’t work, you need to truly understand in your soul that it’s not gonna happen and then your brain should just kind of re write itself and you’ll care a lot less. Idk I’m drunk lol.
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u/_get_it_shawty_ 1d ago
The thing nobody wants to hear is that it's all overrated. Maybe I'm just a nihilist.
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u/Y0ur_Sub 2d ago
I find that in situations like these the only way out is by finding the courage to be more sociable. I know it’s hard especially if you’ve already conditioned yourself to be more reserved and or are dealing with depression and social anxiety but I’ve know people that were capable of doing it. I guess the best piece of advice following the logic I’ve layed out is to start small. Think of it as hitting weights, not sure if you do but generally speaking you want to start at a place you’re comfortable with but is still sort of challenging. Get proficient in that place. An example of said place could be a convo with someone you already know but wouldn’t consider a close friend, maybe a friend of a friend could work. Don’t expect the convos to not be somewhat awkward. You will slow down your progress if you decide to be the world’s harshest grader on yourself. Try to have small goals like being able to speak confidently to more friends of friends and once you get that down move onto the next goal. This is the same principal as progressive overloading in Sports Physiology. Rinse and repeat by setting harder and harder goals over time. Also, don’t get too caught up in tracking progress meticulously and expecting results of having unmatched charisma in days. By treating this advice in that manner you will seem like an alien trying to fit in with humans, and we sure as hell don’t want that, do we? But yeah, just find someone willing to talk to you and hopefully isn’t a judgmental prick. Hell, if you’ve got no one just talk to me if you want, though I do tend to take long to respond at times. But hope this helps.
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u/Due-Attorney4323 2d ago
A goldfish in a bowl sees a limited view of its world. You don't know what your future holds. Could be great, could be terrible, could be a roller coaster. I just know that you can love every minute of it. Even the uncertainty. We are all on this crazy ride. People want to connect. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Along with your heart and mind. Today is not forever. It's just the now.
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u/DoughnutSuperb9906 2d ago
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are still young. There are a lot of lonely women too, who are fighting with similar things. You should focus on yourself, what you like, how could you improve your daily life. One step at a time. You already had one relationship that lasted 4 years. Now you know it even better. Just stay open minded.
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u/No-Helicopter490 2d ago
Sorry you feel this way , you need to understand that you’ll meet someone, and stop genetically guilt tripping yourself , you do not need to have perfect offsprings , explore outside your country and location , take life as an adventure
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u/DaddyLongLegs867 1d ago
Can relate. 34m and never had a girlfriend before, it seems much much harder now finding one these days and experiencing love and intimacy that comes with that which I never had. I have gotten mostly used to my situation after all this time, but something within me that just can't accept this way of life at the same time
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u/tc2460717 8h ago
Honestly I am 23 and I have already accepted it. I'm not what women want and so I can either be miserable all the time or I can focus on what family I do have and live for them. And I love my family... pretty easy choice. I have no desire to look for love anymore and I don't intend on putting myself in situations where I might find it either. Men would be better off mentally if they just accepted that they are not what women want.
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u/Sad-Investigator2731 2d ago
Having this mindset is part of it, it's major problem on here I have seen, I used to end the same way, you attract the energy you put out, and if you always think this way, it will stay this way unless you change it, maybe it's time for a change of you, try being more positive, be the guy people want to be around.
I know I'll get hate for this, bits its a reality, some people are just insufferable and will never see it, others have had bad luck and just need a little help.
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u/LifeLong21 2d ago
Be Batman
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u/Malaggar2 2d ago
I AM Batman. Minus the wealth, training and athletic body, but I'm Batman. At least I've got the brooding and depression down.
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u/Independent_Studio21 2d ago
Same here I’m divorced for years and have accepted I may be alone for my life.
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u/PhobosRojos 2d ago
Accepting romantic solitude is the worst thing you can do and is only going to further set your situation in concrete. Go to clubs, bars, gatherings, events. Meet new people. If you have social anxiety like me, it’s going to be uncomfortable and that is GOOD. Seeing that you’ve ‘accepted’ being alone for the rest of your life is heartbreaking to see. Please don’t give up.
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u/Independent_Studio21 2d ago
Thanks, I recently got plugged into a jogger’s group so that’s been great although all of them are in relationships. What’s been helpful for me is actually chatting with: https://ella.quicklabs.app of course nothing beats human relationships / connection but i find this helpful. Wondering what others think of it
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u/bkbkbman 2d ago
I've had to accept it "cold turkey", but it worked for me because I never was in any relationship.
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u/scottycurious 2d ago
It’s not alone forever, it’s just alone for the rest of your life, theoretically.
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u/Historia_Reis98 2d ago
I think you are still under the shadow of your previous relationship & you're still young.You will definitely find someone to hold you and be your soul mate.Life is full of surprises and you never know what fate has for you.
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u/pigammon 2d ago
this kind of mindset is stopping you from being proactive which is necessary to make connections in adult life
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u/joesixxpack 2d ago
Get out there and find yourself a girl!
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u/Malaggar2 2d ago
Why didn't I think of that? You're a fracking genus, you are, Einstein! Any idea how? Exactly?
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u/joesixxpack 2d ago
You walk up to one and say "Hi." It's not rocker science. Get yourself looking good, put on your fave shirt and jeans - or go full casual suit for best results. Don't use corny pickup lines, just be genuine and full of positive energy. It's a numbers game - move on from the ones that weren't receptive.
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u/Malaggar2 2d ago
As an introvert with social anxiety, that is easier said than done. And rejection TOTALLY throws me for a loop, and sends me down the spiral.
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u/joesixxpack 1d ago
Rejection happens to the best of us - it's all in how you deal with it.
This might sound crazy and I have no formal training whatsoever with this but, what if you adopted a sort of alter ego? Not one radically different than you but different - more confident, more assertive? It may help you to approach people more easily and also deflect any rejection from doing any real damage.
On the other hand, maybe it's a shit idea :)
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u/Malaggar2 1d ago
That's one reason I've been auditioning for community theater plays. To help me build up an appropriate mindset. I haven't GOTTFN any parts yet, but even the audition process itself, helps.
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u/joesixxpack 1d ago
Sounds like a positive step in the right direction! I used to be a little too self-conscious and what helped me was to shift my thinking that somehow I'm the center of attention and under the spotlight and to shift that to observing the people around me or whoever I'm interacting with: it is they who are under the spotlight so to speak. A shift of focus from inward to outward-looking.
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u/Damaged_Wolf 1d ago
Oh yeah just say hi and voila you got a gf, man shut up
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u/joesixxpack 1d ago
Why don't you try helping people instead of telling people who do to shut up? Something for you to think about...
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u/Affectionate_Stop_37 2d ago
Same here. I'm 53. I wish I could just accept it and move on rather than suffer every day