How do I accept the fact I’ll be alone forever?

[u/YoUDee]

How do I accept the fact I’ll be alone forever?

Exactly what the title says. I (33M) have been in one relationship in my life. That was during college and while it was very serious (lasted four-plus years), it ended a decade ago. I can probably count on two hands the number of dates I’ve been on since.

I just don’t see how I will ever meet a woman who is romantically interested in me. I have very little social life, I have a small group of friends from a former job and basically no one I talk to anywhere near regularly outside from them and my parent and sibling. I don’t have many hobbies. I have depression and social anxiety, and it’s the last one that I feel really holds me back. I’m not the type to go out to events or places by myself and talk to strangers; I’m just not. As much as the thought of being alone terrifies me, the thought of putting myself out there like that, being uncomfortable and risking rejection, might be even worse.

I know that statistically speaking I will probably find someone, but in truth there’s a very large part of me that absolutely is convinced I will never find love again. I had my chance and blew it, and that’s that. I know for a fact my ex has moved on, and part of me is happy for her, but I also feel… jealous, I guess. In truth, if I could go back in time and try to correct the mistakes I made that led to the breakup, I would.

It sucks. I miss intimacy. I hate feeling like everyone but me has someone, like I’m missing key milestones. I miss having a partner and the feeling of being in love. Part of me is sad about the fact I’ll never have a kid, even though I try to rationalize it by telling myself it’s best I won’t pass my genes on (my mental health sucks, and I do wonder if it’s ethical to bring a child into such a troubled world) but ultimately that’s largely something I say to just make myself feel better.

I know I have a tendency to see the grass as “always being greener,” and I know things I value now, like autonomy, will change if I had a relationship, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am just desperate. Yes, I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship, but why does it have to be one of those two? Being alone is literally my worst fear, and I genuinely believe that’s my fate. It sucks. It truly is enough to make me want to end it sometimes, if I’m being completely honest.

Life could be worse, absolutely. But why do I feel like I’m missing such a vital part of life, and why am I condemned to such a fate of loneliness?

[u/joesixxpack]

Get out there and find yourself a girl!

[u/Malaggar2 → u/joesixxpack]

Why didn't I think of that? You're a fracking genus, you are, Einstein! Any idea how? Exactly?

[u/joesixxpack → u/Malaggar2]

You walk up to one and say "Hi." It's not rocker science. Get yourself looking good, put on your fave shirt and jeans - or go full casual suit for best results. Don't use corny pickup lines, just be genuine and full of positive energy. It's a numbers game - move on from the ones that weren't receptive.

[u/Malaggar2 → u/joesixxpack]

As an introvert with social anxiety, that is easier said than done. And rejection TOTALLY throws me for a loop, and sends me down the spiral.

[u/joesixxpack → u/Malaggar2]

Rejection happens to the best of us - it's all in how you deal with it.

This might sound crazy and I have no formal training whatsoever with this but, what if you adopted a sort of alter ego? Not one radically different than you but different - more confident, more assertive? It may help you to approach people more easily and also deflect any rejection from doing any real damage.

On the other hand, maybe it's a shit idea :)

[u/Malaggar2 → u/joesixxpack]

That's one reason I've been auditioning for community theater plays. To help me build up an appropriate mindset. I haven't GOTTFN any parts yet, but even the audition process itself, helps.

[u/joesixxpack → u/Malaggar2]

Sounds like a positive step in the right direction! I used to be a little too self-conscious and what helped me was to shift my thinking that somehow I'm the center of attention and under the spotlight and to shift that to observing the people around me or whoever I'm interacting with: it is they who are under the spotlight so to speak. A shift of focus from inward to outward-looking.