r/AITAH • u/Probably_Lucy • 2d ago
Aitah for ghosting my mom because she won’t divorce her peeling Tom husband?
I (19 female) ghosted my mother (54 female) for refusing to divorce her husband (52 male) when he spied on me in the shower 2 years ago. So they got married when I was 12 and he has been in my life since I was 10. One day(I was 17) my mom and sister left to go somewhere together and his sons my brothers (I have 3 brothers minors and 3 sisters 2 adult one biological ) were at their mom’s house I went to take a shower and I lean back to rinse my hair and I see a black phone case and ik that’s his phone so I scream and he skedaddle to the entrance of my bathroom. He starts yelling I’m sorry I’m sorry while I’m screaming over him get out. He leaves to go to his room and I get dressed and get in my car and leave to my grandmother house and call my mom. She didn’t believe me at first and called him he admitted it to her and she kicked him out. Months go by and I’m expecting some sort of officer to contact me and make a report for him to go to jail. I snoop through her phone and see they are going to therapy going on dates and coming over to the house to have sex. Zero legal action was taken. This started a fight where she told me to go to my dad’s house, I said if she kicks me out I’m not coming back, she yelled fine. When I found this out and was kicked out it was 6 months after he did it. I went to the police explaining what happened and why it took me so long to report it. That starts the legal process and my mother is pissed saying I should have let her handle it this will effect more then me never explaining anything else. A year goes by me and my mom do not talk about it except once Where she explains what she meant by this doesn’t effect just him and me and turns out they are employed together and if he’s fired so is she but she can be a travel nurse or he can sell my mom his part in the hired company but she made no effort. My mom finds out he’s about to be charged by the da calls them and says I do not want to press charges. The da calls me to confirm and I say let me call you back. I call my mother and. She says it’s my choice and I ask if she will divorce him she says no. That starts a fight where I end up ghosting her and the rest of my family (who have made no effort to contact me anyway). So am I in the wrong for ghosting them I do not think so but my family does. (Sorry for any typos)
Edit I am pressing charges he will be formally charged by the da by the end of the month. I will update again when the trial starts or if he pleads guilty. I also can’t edit the title so sorry guys :(
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u/holiday_vibe 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA. Your mom sucks. I’m really sorry you had to see her true colors this way. Please tell me you told the DA you want to press charges. This guy is scum and he will only keep doing pervy shit like that.
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
I am pressing charges and let yall know the outcome when we go to trial
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u/No-Abies-1232 2d ago
Hope you also contacted CPS bc there are other minors being exposed to this man.
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
He legally can’t be around minors at the moment and to my knowledge he hasn’t been I haven’t contacted cps just law enforcement but it’s a part of his bail that he can not be near any minors
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u/scarletwellyboots 2d ago
NTA, get the fuck away from that guy. Your mother should be doing everything in her power to protect you from that creep and instead she's been doing the opposite. If your family tries to guilt-trip you into contacting your mom make sure to tell them exactly what happened. If they don't let up after that, go NC with them as well.
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u/Critical-Wear5802 2d ago
I can NOT for the life of me understand how any woman worth her salt would choose a SKEEVY dude over her own child/ren! Of course, I have similar feelings about fathers who side with "step mothers" over their own kids. Unfortunately, it seems to be distressingly common..
NTA, honey, and best of luck to you through all of this nonsense!
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u/Difficult_Elk9963 2d ago
Please tell me you did not drop the charges. Fucking ghost all the fucking pedophile scum and get them all in jail holy fuck. NTA.
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u/Apprehensive-Care20z 2d ago
NTA
do I understand you correctly, he took photos/videos of you naked in the shower? He reached his phone into the shower itself? Please call the DA and prosecute this predator fully. He probably still has the photos.
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
So I am prosecuting and they got a warrant for his phone and didn’t find any photos of me or anyone else. I think I noticed him before he could take a photo
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u/TwoCentsWorth2021 2d ago
Or he has a copy of whatever he recorded on a computer/tablet/cloud drive and simply deleted it off his phone.
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u/chez2202 2d ago
It’s been 2 years since this happened. Plenty of time for your mother to find a job not connected to her SO husband so that she could support you and she is trying to gaslight you into thinking that you will ruin her career if you continue with this prosecution. Fuck her. She is lying. She can’t be fired from her job if he is fired. It’s called employment law and no employer will fire a member of staff for being married to a freak.
You said in a comment that the police examined his phone and found nothing so he mustn’t have pressed record. They got involved many months after the fact and I don’t believe that they found nothing or he wouldn’t be facing charges.
Your mother is a POS. She chose her pervert husband over you. Carry on and keep fighting. You are seen, you are believed and you are worthy of justice. I’m definitely not the only person here who believes this x
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
So they own a company together and the place they work hired the company so they’d have to fire the company that my moms apart of
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u/chez2202 2d ago
The place they work hired the company, not that individual. They couldn’t fire the company on the basis of one individual’s actions without leaving themselves open to being sued for breach of contract unless there is a morality clause which covers every employee. Your mother will know this and she is gaslighting you.
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u/SwimmingJello2199 2d ago
Nta. You are being so strong and it's so important for other girls to see young women like you advocating for yourself. It's so sickening your mom is having sex with and cuddling with and defending the man who slipped a phone discreetly into the bathroom to watch his underage stepdaughter nude to masturbate to. To be pressured to play nice with an adult caregiver who sexually violated you as a child is so awful. Im so glad you are so strong and you know you are worth protecting. You are worth feeling safe. You are worth having justice for that violation. Your mom failed as a mother. She gave up the love and respect and relationship with her daughter which is so beautiful for a man who doesn't love her and uses her and sexually violates young girls including her own children. It's hard to imagine giving up such a rich rewarding relationship for a disgusting empty broken one.
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u/Feminismisreprieve 2d ago
Not really the point, but peeling Tom sounds so much worse than peeping Tom...
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u/annebonnell 2d ago
Darling, no, you are not the asshole. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your mother and her husband are the assholes. Please press charges and go no contact with your mother and your family. He is a pedophile and more than likely has done this before.
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u/Fabulous-Shallot1413 2d ago edited 2d ago
If he did it to you, he did it to others and will keep doing it. Your moms job is not your problem.! Period! Your mom chose to stay with a pedophile. She chose him over you, so choose you over her. Press charges, call the nursing board, and file a complaint against both of them. Go scorched earth on this.
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u/Technical_Access_770 2d ago
THIS. There is NEVER just one victim from a sexual predator. Scorched earth is the only way.
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u/ZeroGeoWife 2d ago
Guarantee the mother either deleted or destroyed evidence on his behalf. You are NTA. It’s never an AH move to keep yourself safe.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 2d ago
Nta. He's gonna do it to another poor step daughter if you don't press charges now.
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
I’ll update with the courts decision soon but I am pressing charges and he will be formally charged by the end of the month
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u/Longjumping_Quail345 2d ago
I am so sorry for how your mother has treated you OP. I can't fathom as a mother ever taking the side of a pervert My daughter was sexually assaulted and the guy who did it had a one on one with my baseball bat in a parking lot one night I may have one around if you need it 😉. You are very brave and courageous for having to stand alone and press charges against this jerk.
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u/throwaway20648 2d ago
NTA- cut them all out of your life. I’m sorry you wound up with such a terrible mother and her abusive husband. You deserve better. Lean on your friends and family that support you and cut everyone else out. Wish you the best
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 2d ago
NTA. Of course charges should be pressed. I’m disgusted with parents that care more about their sex/romantic life than their children’s wellbeing. Your mom sucks.
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u/105055 2d ago
Oh heck no absolutely NTA, take it from someone who was a big sister in a similar situation. That shit doesn’t fly, you’re absolutely in the right to press charges or do whatever you wanna do with it going forward. I can’t believe the rest of your family doesn’t back you up.
Wishing you nothing but healing and love in such a traumatic journey.
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u/No-Broccoli-5932 2d ago
NTA. I'm so sorry your family seems to be full of people who are OK with someone creeping on a young girl in the shower AND filming it. Ghosting them seems like the most sensible thing to do. I wouldn't want to be around any of them who don't see a problem with this. It sounds like he and your Mom are in the healthcare field. No company I know wants to hire some guy who's being accused of filming his stepdaughter in the shower. What about your siblings? They think they're immune to his pervosity? They're not, and should stand by you, but something else is too important (money, house, inheritance), which is truly pitiful.
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u/No_Performance8733 2d ago
I think you can still file a report! You should!!!
Do you have screenshots of conversations?
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u/YourWoodGod 2d ago
NTA at all what a fucking creep. It makes you wonder if his gross ass didn't get with your mom just for that. I'm sorry to say (but it's the truth) your mom is totally spineless and that's awful. My mom dated a piece of shit drunk when I was in high school and the first time he laid hands on me she sent his ass packing. Your mom failed you and I'm sorry for that.
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u/Recent_Data_305 2d ago
NTA. She knows what he did and she’s dating him anyway. That is the perfect reason for going no contact. Good luck in court.
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u/HoneyBry 2d ago
NTA. Parents should protect their children above all else and she believed someone over you. Cut those shits out your life. You deserve more
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u/hiquickq12 2d ago
NTA, don’t apologise for ruining his life, he did that to himself, and if your mum is even considering forgiving him, then she’s not worth the time it took you to type this out
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u/DawnShakhar 2d ago
NTA, and go ahead with the charge. This man SA'd by invading your privacy. you. If he took pictures or a video of you showering he can spread them on the internet. Your mother is sweeping the whole thing under the rug because she doesn't want to lose him. Do the right thing and let the law take it's course.
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u/TheMagdalen 1d ago
NTA, and if he has pics or videos, they can also get him on child porn charges. What an absolute creep!!! I’m so sorry that happened to you and that your family is so unsupportive.
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u/New-Number-7810 2d ago
NTA. Your egg-donor failed so colossally as a mother that I calling her by that title would be an insult to parents everywhere.
She chose your attacker over you. There’s no hood or just reason.
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u/RepFilms 2d ago
Can you fix the typo in the title. It's very distracting and confusing
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
I can’t figure out how to change it when I edit the post it won’t let me edit the title.
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u/Amazing_Reality2980 2d ago
NTA and I hope you press charges. If he's did it to you, it's likely he'll do it to others. Your mom is a POS for taking his side and enabling him.
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u/Metrack14 2d ago
NTA. It's always sad seeing a parent choosing an objectively bad person over their own kid.
Worry for your own peace,op
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u/Bencil_McPrush 1d ago
You have three sisters? Younger, I assume? Are they in the house with him? Because the police should have a talk with them as well.
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u/Probably_Lucy 1d ago
So in the text I stated that he was kicked out but he has not come back to the house when any one is there my 2 step sisters are grown with 5 daughters between them and I have one full blood sister she’s a year younger then me
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u/Away-Understanding34 1d ago
NTA why is your mom and family protecting him? Stay NC with them and move on with your life (but still press charges).
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u/annebonnell 2d ago
Darling, no, you are not the asshole. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your mother and her husband are the assholes. Please press charges and go no contact with your mother and your family. He is a pedophile and more than likely has done this before.
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u/fionsichord 2d ago
NTA keep yourself safe. That means emotionally and relationally safe as well as physically safe. You and your therapist can unpick whatever she might have set up in your mind that is unhealthy and unhelpful, but if she can overlook this, there’s probably lots of other things you haven’t ever realised yet - normalising of an abnormal situation when you’re a child can really set you up for other vulnerabilities later.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice 2d ago
Just for the record, if you didn’t go to the police to file a report against your stepfather, you wouldn’t automatically be contacted by them. How would they know about the incident? Clearly, your mom wasn’t going to file a report; she didn’t even believe you, at first.
I don’t usually like to say harsh things about other people’s parents, but your mother is a straight up traitor. You’re her child and you were violated in your own home by an adult you ought to have been able to trust. She should care more about YOU than some man or about her job.
She also had no right to speak for you to the District Attorney and say you’re not pressing charges. I think doing that was probably illegal. You’re an adult and it’s your decision. Where was she back when you were a minor and this assault happened?
It IS your choice but I think you should pursue the case because your creep of a stepfather needs to be taught a lesson. He violated your privacy and who knows how many other girls and women he’s done similar things to.
Your mom has her head on backwards and her priorities are extremely messed up. She doesn’t seem to care about how you were violated so you don’t need to make her a big part of your life. She hasn’t earned it.
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u/Probably_Lucy 2d ago
So this happened in October and I thought my mom would report it and waited 6 months and never talked to an officer that’s why I was saying it was weird I never spoke to anyone just cause it had been half a year. When she left that day she was taking my sister to a cheer competition about an hour away
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice 2d ago
I understand why your first instinct was to trust your mom but, unfortunately, you can’t trust her. She’s obviously more interested in protecting your molester than you. She never would have gone to the cops. From now on, if you have a situation, especially with your stepfather, document everything and go to the police yourself.
Of course, it will be better if you don’t have anything to do with the man, again.
One thing you could do, if there are any minor children, especially girls, living in the house with your mother and stepfather, is make a report to Child Protective Services about what happened to you. I know you listed your siblings but I wasn’t sure who was who.
I feel very strongly that your stepfather’s behavior has got to be on the record with the authorities. If he does something else — and I have a feeling he will — it should be on the record that he has a history because he did it to you.
I pray that your mom wakes up and recognizes what’s really important: you. I hope she apologizes to you for her actions. It’s an awful feeling when your mom doesn’t stick up for you. But, you’ll be okay. You have a great life in front of you.
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u/Substantial-Air3395 1d ago
I have a sister who allowed her bio daughter's stepfather to peep on her, and then make my niece apologize to him for freaking out, NTA.
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u/Difficult_Process_88 1d ago
NTA Your mother should be ashamed of herself! She a shitty mother for not protecting you from her husband. She chose her happiness over you and your safety. Good for you for standing up for yourself and filing charges.
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u/No_Application_5369 1d ago
NTA. She made her choice. She chose a sexual predator over her daughter. That's unforgivable.
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u/e-cochran 1d ago
NTA!
That's absolutely bonkers he wasn't arrested sooner!!!! And even crazier the way your mom responded....I'm sorry you have to go through this :(
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u/ThrowAway37099 1d ago
NTA. Your mom's a psycho who is fucking a pedophile. Protect yourself and any future children you may have
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u/Black_Barbie17 1d ago
Nta I’m sorry you’re mom is a ducking 🦆 loser and so is you’re so called stepdad her job was to protect you and she couldn’t do that I’m sorry ml but it shows she Dosent love you and that weirdo deserves prison please continue to update us .
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u/Informal-Cash3128 2d ago
Nah, fuck that guy. Surprised at your mum's response tbh. You're not the arsehole imo, not sure how you could be in anyone's opinion tbf
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u/Present-Reflection84 2d ago
NTA. He should be under the jail. He’s not just a peeping tom, he filmed child porn. He needs the book thrown at him and prison justice.