r/AITAH • u/Few_Relative4595 • 4d ago

UPDATE AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend after she nearly killed both of us?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dpz91n/aitah_for_ghosting_my_girlfriend_after_she_nearly/

So the past couple of hours have been insane, honestly. Before the actual update, I just wanted to sort some things out: * I've seen people talking about this post being rage bait or fake. Honestly, I wish it was, but I actually needed to hear some opinions on what happened. * Some people talked about me having anger issues: this is not true at all, I never snapped at her like this for tickling me (let along hitting her or anything like this), but in the rage of the moment, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I might consider myself to be a calm person, but that doesn't mean I will laugh and giggle through stupid stuff. * The actual crash happened at a speed that could've killed us if I swerved in the wrong direction (I was driving on a country road, and could've frontally hit a car coming from the other direction, as the speed at which the crash happened was around 40mph/65kmph) * The tickling part and childhood trauma: I've mentioned that to my (now) ex-girlfriend around 3 months into our relationship, but as many pointed the obvious, I wasn't dating the sharpest tool in the shed and it took me a while to realize it, so I guess I might be a bit dumb as well lol. * I think I might've misused the term "Ghosting". In my head, telling her to get out of my house was already a clear sign of our relationship status.

Now, to the actual update:

After reading nearly all the comments, I took the decision to send my ex a message where I told her we should meet face-to-face. Some people suggested that I should file for a lawsuit, but my ex is still in uni and her parents can barely afford helping her. She obviously has done an insanely dumb stunt, but I don't want to punish her parents for it. The car is in the process of getting fixed and I can afford it without major financial issues. Still, I took screenshots of her messages in order for me to have some proof in case the situation escalates.

So, we met earlier at a coffee shop. She looked as if she's been crying for a long time, but it didn't change my mind at all. What shocked me was the fact that she leaned in for a kiss when she saw me, as if nothing happened. I stopped her and told her that we need to have a serious conversation. I explained that what happened wasn't because of the car itself, but because of her disrespecting my boundaries and not thinking for a second about what might happen if she did that thing. Besides that, I also felt disrespected by the fact that her best friend came knocking at my door to demand things, despite not having any rights to do so, which led me to ask my ex if she told her best friend the truth or if she lied about the situation.

She said that she only told her friend that we had a small car crash and I'm pissed at her. Hearing that made me feel disappointed as hell, but I did my best to remain calm. I told her to tell the real story to her friends and family, and she raised her voice and told me that I'm accusing her of being a liar, something that led to a 15 minutes discussion about how the crash was solely her fault and how she put our lives at risk.

I asked her if everything's clear to her about our situation and her response was "Yep, 100%, can we go home now?". That honestly shocked me. I told her that there's no way we can be back together and I suggested she should be more careful and considerate with her future partner. Her reaction was all tears, shaking, begging me to reconsider my decision, but I just can't look at her the same. I explained again that for me it wasn't a small mistake she made, it was a full-on stupid decision that shouldn't be done by an adult, as it could've resulted in something deadly.

She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. I denied and told her that she's too selfish to even realise that she broke my trust and disrespects me by saying this crap.

I left the coffee shop feeling like I've been talking to a wall, but at least I can't say that I didn't try to have a conversation. An hour ago her mom texted me asking what happened and I told her everything. I said that I don't want any money from them, but the only thing I'm asking is for my ex to keep her distance from me. She apologized for what her daughter did and wished me all the best. As for her friend, from my understanding she just came to my house without talking with my ex on wether she should do it or not, so I guess she just tried to be the main character in this whole story.

Right now I'm preparing for work, but my chest isn't heavy anymore. In case anything will happen in the future, I'll keep everyone updated, but I hope it won't be the case lol.

Thank you for helping me navigate this weird situation and thanks for all the kind messages. Hope everyone stays safe!

Edit: Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected, but I came here with the desire to get some perspective on my situation and be as transparent as possible, I never intended to post this story for votes or anything like that.

10.1k Upvotes
  • permalink
  • link
  • reddit
  • reddit

95% Upvoted

847 comments sorted by

View all comments

4.4k

u/RocketteP 4d ago

Boundary issues aside (which is also a huge red flag), tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid. You’re better off and I hope she continues to keep her distance. Make sure to change any passwords she may know of yours.

1.8k

u/ZZartin 4d ago

Yeah the fact that it's still not clicking with her that she could have killed both them is a much bigger red flag.

607

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

you’d think she was actively trying to just not listen or get it through her head, like jesus

453

u/SaitamaHitRickSanchz 4d ago

My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets. If anyone who is reading this has the same problem as OP's ex you better take this next statement to heart: if you can't listen to other people and consider their feelings or respect their boundaries and you're not willing to develop self awareness and seek mental health help for your severe behavioral issue you can expect for every single one of your personal relationships to end in disastrous failures. Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this.

158

u/Miliean 4d ago

My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets.

The really sad situation is that this kind of behaviour can be corrected, by doing exactly what OP has done. This kind of thing happens to children and adults who are allowed to live as children who never face consequences for their actions. No matter what they do it's always "it's ok, you didn't mean it, I forgive you" and so they are never forced to look at their own actions and make actual changes.

OPs Ex is young enough that she has a chance here. She may come to look at this situation and make changes to the way she behaves in the future. But it's only the ending of the relationship that can force that evaluation of her life. It's a potential benefit to her next boyfriend, unfortunately.

100

u/SaitamaHitRickSanchz 4d ago

Yup. My ex-wife was in her late 30s when we met and mid 40s by the time I divorced her. I told her many, many times how much her behavior hurt me, how I would have to leave if she didn't stop. But she just kept hurting me anyways and then complained I was just being dramatic or was too unforgiving and that was the real problem between us. She got a decade of forgiveness while being reminded of my boundaries, and once I had enough and she made it clear I was nothing more to her than an emotional garbage can, I was out.

0

u/TomatoTrebuchet 4d ago edited 3d ago

I don't think her behavior is caused by garden variety neglect. she probably has a personality disorder. and needs serious medical intervention. if so she and her family need to go to therapy to learn how to correctly deal with such a disorder.

32

u/SLRWard 4d ago

Can we collectively knock it the fuck off with playing armchair psychiatrist and trying to diagnose someone with mental disorders based on a story not even from the person in question? It is wildly fucking inappropriate to do that shit.

1

u/TomatoTrebuchet 3d ago edited 3d ago

Dude, this isn't a clinical setting nor is "probably" a diagnosis. Also quit being so freaking ableist by saying people with mental disorders can't be acknowledge just because it's posted on the internet. if you need to do some research to understand that this isn't a wild random guess, please read "Loving someone with BPD" by Shari Manning PHD.

ironically I didn't even do any "armchair psychology" nor did i even remotely come close to diagnosing someone. cause some sort of "personality disorder" is not a specific diagnosis. it's so incredibly fucking inappropriate for you to insinuate that i did. I get it, you see something even remotely similar and you have a knee jerk reaction. you're not actually capable of identifying what I actually did. you probably witness the world like a pile of mash potatoes and only seeing things in vague concepts.

There is a 0% chance that I will stop trying to help people gain access to mental health resources. if you think my phrasing is inappropriate then give me better phrasing. if you think we should all die in a pit never getting help because gaining access wasn't done with enough documentation form higher learning institutes to satisfy you then you can go eat rocks.

I'm going to leave the actual diagnostics to psychologists. but that doesn't mean I'll stop pointing people to appropriate resources.

2

u/Time_Eater23 3d ago

In my opinion both of your are right.others explain this better than me.

1

u/TomatoTrebuchet 3d ago

I will admit my first comment wasn't as fleshed out to give people the sense I know what I'm talking about. People didn't seem to have any problem with my other comments that implied I have personal experience with people with BPD and have put some effort into studying the condition. tho, that's why I was speaking more in general and not specifically in this thread of thought

2

u/Beneficial_Shop_5721 19h ago

the other person is right, it is not “ableist” to say that random people on the internet shouldnt be slapping personality disorder labels on strangers theyve not only never met, but literally havent even spoken to. there are reasons why a person could behave like this that arent personality disorders…and no, personality disorders are not easy to spot through a one sided story that involves people you dont know personally.

your comment was absolutely an “armchair psychiatrist” comment and you are not doing mental health awareness ANY favors by labeling random strangers with whatever buzzword psychiatric diagnosis pops into your head. comments like yours only help normalize all of the other nonsense comments where people accuse their exes or other peoples’ exes of having personality disorders (or whatever else) without having even a fraction of the information necessary to make such a claim. it’s just increasing the confusion and misconceptions around these disorders, and that is not helpful for anybody.

0

u/TomatoTrebuchet 16h ago edited 16h ago

The abalist comment is more of a joke. I was just annoyed the person screeched at me that was fairly unrelated to what I actually said and ment. I'm not all that commited to that claim. I just know someone somewhere has made that claim and has gone on a rampage of claiming that. cause you know, the internet has nothing new on it.

but we can agree that claiming its definitely not a mental disorder is the equivalent of claiming you went through the diagnosis process hundreds of times. if you can't know its a specific mental disorder you also can't know its not some mental disorder. anything other than claiming "indeterminate" is essentially unethical. Personally I think there is a higher chance there is considering the information available. there is at least enough information to suggest that evaluation would be a recommended course of action.

1

u/SLRWard 1d ago

I'm sorry, but it's not ableist to tell someone to stop assuming mental and/or medical disorders in a person you have never met nor have any information other than a story from a third party. I'm not saying don't acknowledge people with mental disorders. I'm saying don't assign mental disorders to people you don't know. You literally accused a complete stranger of having a "personality disorder" that "needs serious medical intervention" based of a fucking Reddit post. These are your words not mine:

she probably has a personality disorder. and needs serious medical intervention.

I'm sorry you have loved ones with BPD or other personality disorders. But not everyone who is a fucking idiot has a personality disorder. Sometimes they're just a fucking idiot. It doesn't help anyone by deciding there's a mental illness causing the stupidity and saying they need serious mental help.

0

u/TomatoTrebuchet 1d ago

Well, go research personality disorders. They aren't that hard to identify at least a reasonable concern that should be checked out further.

is there just some sort of stupid linguistically feature I forgot that would suddenly make you realize I wasn't talking in absolute certainty?

to me assuming no one has a mental disorder and just saying people with likely mental disorders are just stupid/idiot seems ignorant and abalist to me. isn't that kind of thinking exactly what causes people to try to steal crippled people's mobility aid because they don't look crippled enough?

interesting enough, I'm autistic and its really really common for autistic people to be upset with NT people screaming that no one has disorders especially people who are so painfully obvious have something going on with them. and to anyone with any semblance of an ability to observe it just looks like pure blind insanity. to the degree that we should start considering NT a severe mental disability categorized with an inability to observe obvious signs of things occuring around them.

so what NT code did I brake that made you think I was misidentifying a very obvious pattern? did I forget to announce that I have studied the subject so I wasn't assuming? or is it just rude to point out evidence of a likely condition and even people writhing around on the floor screaming about seeing all sorts of creatures is incorrect to point out as obviously having hallucinations cause I didn't do it in a hospital with a specific hallucinations identification degree? is this because you guys know you all lie so extensively that you can only trust someone who went though a program to prove they aren't lying about being able to identify these things?

seriously you guys don't make any sense and its maddening. and when I do this exact same thing with autistic people. we don't get up in eachothers faces to scream about how they violated a social rule. we actually assess the information available to see if its a reasonable assertion and what could actually be claimed with confidence and what shouldn't be said because the data doesn't actually support said claim. is that just one of your disabilities? not being able to engage in honest discussion of factual information?

1

u/SLRWard 10h ago

No thanks. I don't need to research personality disorders to not blindly assume someone I don't know and have never met or even spoken to has a mental disorder. I have multiple members of my family with diagnosed personality disorders. I know damn well to leave diagnoses to professionals and not some rando who read a book and thinks they're an expert.

But congrats on, again, assuming someone's mental status on the freaking internet, genius. You don't know shit about me, but are assuming I'm NT. Good job. Thanks for proving again that you really don't know shit and like to put labels on people out of nowhere based off insufficient evidence and blind conjecture.

→ More replies (0)

0

u/MrRobot_96 3d ago

Nah he’s right you jumped to conclusions pretty quick there. She could just be young and ignorant we don’t know her.

5

u/RedSkelz42020 3d ago

Idk the fact the girl almost killed them and thinks everything is fine means either she does have a mental illness or shes dumb as fuck and out of all the mistakes ive made in my 25 years of life NONE of them had the potential to kill anyone.

1

u/TomatoTrebuchet 3d ago

those are not mutually exclusive. being mentally ill and dumb as fuck is a pretty scary combo. I believe that is often called a karen.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/TomatoTrebuchet 3d ago

:) fixed my original comment to make it less easily confused to be read with the subtext of a diagnosis. no idea why that kind of subtext is even seen as legitimate way to read anything. but maybe I'm missing the fact that most doctors use their authority to emotionally pressure their patients to take their comments more seriously. correct me if I'm wrong.

1

u/TomatoTrebuchet 3d ago

sorry, but I don't mind jumping to potentially useful information. its not my place to tell other people it definitely will be useful or not to them. I can't engage with the information for them, I'm not them. nor do I care to confirm how right or wrong i ended up being that's not a particularly good use of my time.

But what if you are jumping to conclusions? should people just live their lives with everyone telling them they are just young and dumb and be suffering thinking they just are bad at things when they actually have a disorder and if someone just said "hey, this might be useful information for you" it would have solved a lot of their problems early on in life. but we just have to suffer because its considered rude to help people gain access to information that is useful to them. and maybe its only as useful as learning about the world. people are mature enough to make that decision for themselves.

I think people are too busy at thinking in absolutes. and implied comments that just aren't there.

44

u/shredditor75 4d ago

This breakup is either going to be the best thing that ever happens to her or just a bump in the road.

30

u/TryUsingScience 4d ago

Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this.

Sadly most of these people won't. They'll go through life bemoaning the fact that everyone they meet victimizes them, because that's how they see it.

I have an ex like this, too. I think most people do by their 30s if they've dated an average amount.

18

u/SaitamaHitRickSanchz 4d ago

Hah I didn't mention my ex-wife did that but obviously she did. I was abused consistently by her thoughtless behavior ten years and was clear and consistent in what the consequences we're if she didn't stop abusing me and somehow she still made herself out to be the victim when I filed for divorce. Unfortunately for her I was 100% over her bullshit behavior by then. I provided her with amazing insurance and support she could've used to seek mental health help and she chose not to and to keep abusing me. I'm an idiot for how long I stuck it out for but at least I got out eventually.

17

u/TryUsingScience 4d ago

I hear you. I got out of my relationship sooner than that but it still took me longer than it should have.

Every week now, I hear new stories about completely out-of-pocket shit that my ex did to other people that they never told me about because they expected me to stick up for my girlfriend. It feels like everyone knew she was a problem but me. And it's not like I didn't know. I just kept making excuses.

10

u/Fun-Fun-9967 4d ago

agree - there 's some invisible line of stupidity ( which is how I see it) out there where once someone crosses it, I just can't even look at them anymore, let alone co-exist.

2

u/MarigoldCat 4d ago

You're not wrong. I had a friend exactly like this.
She didn't respect my boundaries, and I walked away with no intention of ever going back.
I know she's been trash talking about me to other people.
Now that I've pulled away and gotten some clarity, I know that people with this mindset will often surround themselves with people who literally think they can do no wrong.
I describe it as a cult mindset.

OP has been lucky in so many ways throughout this mess.

116

u/Pete_C137 4d ago

And she made it sound like he was the ah. “We got in an accident and he got mad at me.” Then shows up just to great him talk but not really listening Ava in the end she just wants to go home with him. She was not there to make things right. She was there to let him make things right as if it was all his fault.

108

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

All she was willing to hear was “it’s okay I forgive you, let’s go home together now.” But her only telling her friend it was a small accident is what would have really set me off. Not only are you disrespecting me, you’re misrepresenting me to others so you’re looked at more favorably, as if you made no mistakes in this situation. She needs to grow the hell up.

53

u/PuzzyFussy 4d ago

That and her flippant response of can we go home now is pissing me off. She truly does not care about anyone but herself. So glad op realized this girl is clearly not quality relationship material and broke it off.

31

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

she saw the conversation more as a chore she had to get out of the way before they got back together, she wasn’t taking in anything he was saying. it’s crazy that she kept going back and forth from sobbing hysterically to starting a screaming match. hope op feels a HUGE weight lifted off his shoulders, she was bad news

8

u/Charming-Industry-86 4d ago

All of her pisses me off!

1

u/LiloBilloChillo 3d ago

all of this in a nutshell LMAO

9

u/UrbanLegendd 4d ago

Judging by her reactions in this conversation I think she truly believed that was her thoughts on it.

133

u/shredditor75 4d ago

That is what's happening, commonly referred to as denial.

72

u/work_work-work-work 4d ago

I don't know what a big river in Egypt has to do with this

23

u/RighteousSchrodd 4d ago

Why did you bring up the Ganges?

27

u/MoneyTreeFiddy 4d ago

I know my rivers, so I can confirm. Source: Am a zon.

10

u/RighteousSchrodd 4d ago

Nice.😂

2

u/Electrical-Act-7170 4d ago edited 4d ago

The Ganges is in India, not Europe.

They have the cutest little crocodiles there. Google gharial, they're adorable!

3

u/RighteousSchrodd 4d ago

Omigod you're right, I'm an idiot. I'll check them out, thanks for the rabbit hole.

2

u/Icewaterchrist 4d ago

That's India.

41

u/InfiniteRosie 4d ago

"Yep. 100%. Can we go home now?"

Biiiiiiiiiiiitch.....

14

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

LIKEE does she think everyone is just going to plainly accept her shitty attitude??

14

u/InfiniteRosie 4d ago

Unfortunately, I think so. And she doesn't even see how shitty it is. Maybe this breakup will be a rude awakening for her. Or more likely someone else down the road gives her one. If she doesn't cause a crash first.

14

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

that’s another thing, she does not understand how reckless her mistake was. i’m just worried for anyone that has to deal with that from her in the future. i can’t imagine being so self absorbed that you refuse to take accountability for your extremely ignorant behavior, and even LIE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED to others so you’re looked at more favorably and not put to blame. i just really hope something gets it through her head and she learns, this could have ended in op not even being here to post this at all.

19

u/InfiniteRosie 4d ago

That is the most infuriating, wanna-slap-you, insulting thing about it too. She insists she did nothing wrong and is the poor little baby. But has to lie about events to everyone around her so they confirm she is the poor little baby.

But she knows she has to lie. So somewhere...deep, deeeeeeeeep, down, she knows she fucked up. But she does not have the self-awareness, introspection, or common-fucking-sense to be able to recognize that she knows she's wrong.

It's the most infuriating thing about these kinds of people.

9

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

overall it’s just sad because more likely than not, these people do not change. like we’re able to watch them be completely unaware of their own actions in real time, with no desire to change or understand other perspectives :T my sister is like this, i’ve given up on trying to encourage her to change. learned it’s just how she’ll always be. those people make you want to avoid them as much as possible, and when they end up with no one around them, they wonder why the others chose to leave, instead of realizing the problem is themselves

1

u/Alas-In-Blunderland 1d ago

Tbh I kinda disagree that she doesn't understand. Everything about this girl screams 'problem child who tantrumed their way out of accountability' and has carried that formula into adulthood.

I've seen this behaviour before... deliberately needling someone to the point they either flip or quit, then becoming a human faucet to make themselves the consoled victim, complete with selective density.
In her mind, that's how she confirms that someone loves her - the degree and regularity of shitty actions and boundary pushing that she can get away with.

I'm so glad that OP exited stage left AND told others the truth. She'll no doubt be in brat mode with her friends and family tho.

2

u/Charming-Industry-86 4d ago

I don't think narcissists can be fixed.

3

u/Sunbeamsoffglass 4d ago

Yes. It’s clearly worked so far in her life. This is the first time she’s actually being held accountable for her actions that’s why it’s so hard for her to understand.

2

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

it’s just sad to see honestly because that’s true

12

u/TomatoTrebuchet 4d ago

I had an ex with Borderline personality disorder. and that is the exact way conversations worked with him.

2

u/FirebirdWriter 4d ago

My diagnosed narcissist mother is this way. If they take responsibility for this they might have to accept the rest of their ridiculously toxic behavior. So she despite an email detailing everything including pointing out she admitted it? Has no idea why I am no contact and I had to cut off everyone in the family to be safe.

3

u/user_name_checks_out 4d ago

you’d think she was actively trying to just not listen or get it through her head, like jesus

Jesus did that too?

6

u/LiloBilloChillo 4d ago

LMAO i mean maybe, but i didn’t mean him himself ehehe

1

u/BauranGaruda 4d ago

Repeat that please…I didn’t hear what you said…

98

u/shard746 4d ago

She just straight up doesn't believe it. I've met people like her, to them nothing is ever really a big deal, because their immature brain doesn't understand that certain actions have immensely serious consequences. These are the people you see getting mutilated or dying from the most brain dead actions that baffle you.

15

u/Longjumping-Map-6995 4d ago

It's like they can't even imagine what it would look like 30 seconds into the future after their actions.

13

u/JerrySmithIsASith 4d ago

to them nothing is ever really a big deal

A slight modifier: nothing bad THEY do to OTHERS is ever really a big deal. I'd bet that she'd be a lot less cool with a situation where somebody else badly wronged her.

11

u/TomatoTrebuchet 4d ago

I suspect the issue is that they have an incredible difficulty in predicting what could happen. the only information they have to go off of is that they weren't hurt severely. so basically they have proof that it wasn't that big of a deal and worrying about anything worse that was very likely is exaggerating.

there is quite a bit of translating you have to do to communicate with people like her.

8

u/NarwhalTakeover 4d ago

You described my former best friend. Former, for that reason.

6

u/shard746 4d ago

I feel you, I had to cut some people off as well. It is simply impossible to coexist with them, because they always end up destroying both themselves and others around them eventually.

1

u/SnooPets8873 3d ago

I think they also can’t accept things that don’t fit their world view. Like this girl has probably been raised being told she is so sweet and funny and nice. She can’t accept fault because “I am someone who nearly killed my bf with my inconsiderate and stupid behavior” is not how she sees herself. Like parents who insist with horrified tone that they aren’t abusers even though their behavior matches abuse because that’s not the kind of person they are.

15

u/HyenaSerious3000 4d ago

reminds me of the woman who was trying to figure out when she was gonna be able to go back to school after killing someone with her car. the officer couldn’t get her to understand she had just killed someone

7

u/Susie4672 4d ago

That was so hard to watch.

3

u/SnooPets8873 3d ago

Well she was also wildly drunk which didn’t help

5

u/Corfiz74 4d ago

Yeah, she is really striving for that Darwin Award!

5

u/juliaskig 4d ago

She's either very stupid, or very dense, or both.

4

u/EtTuBiggus 4d ago

20 year olds are dumb. She can’t even drink yet.

3

u/PorkyMcRib 4d ago

I think, in her mind, they are already married, forever, and ever, amen. There is simply no wrong that She can commit that would be so awful that it would end the “marriage“.

1

u/Beth21286 4d ago

She just doesn't give a f*ck. She can't claim to be ignorant or naive after OP spelling it out. The fact that she already lied to her bestie proves she knows she did something wrong. She is honestly too immature or frankly too stupid to grasp what she did.

1

u/stevejobed 4d ago

She may be dumb 

1

u/Pixelated_Roses 3d ago

So she's not only a boundary stomping cunt, she's a braindead cunt.