UPDATE AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend after she nearly killed both of us?

[u/Few_Relative4595]

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dpz91n/aitah_for_ghosting_my_girlfriend_after_she_nearly/

So the past couple of hours have been insane, honestly. Before the actual update, I just wanted to sort some things out: * I've seen people talking about this post being rage bait or fake. Honestly, I wish it was, but I actually needed to hear some opinions on what happened. * Some people talked about me having anger issues: this is not true at all, I never snapped at her like this for tickling me (let along hitting her or anything like this), but in the rage of the moment, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I might consider myself to be a calm person, but that doesn't mean I will laugh and giggle through stupid stuff. * The actual crash happened at a speed that could've killed us if I swerved in the wrong direction (I was driving on a country road, and could've frontally hit a car coming from the other direction, as the speed at which the crash happened was around 40mph/65kmph) * The tickling part and childhood trauma: I've mentioned that to my (now) ex-girlfriend around 3 months into our relationship, but as many pointed the obvious, I wasn't dating the sharpest tool in the shed and it took me a while to realize it, so I guess I might be a bit dumb as well lol. * I think I might've misused the term "Ghosting". In my head, telling her to get out of my house was already a clear sign of our relationship status.

Now, to the actual update:

After reading nearly all the comments, I took the decision to send my ex a message where I told her we should meet face-to-face. Some people suggested that I should file for a lawsuit, but my ex is still in uni and her parents can barely afford helping her. She obviously has done an insanely dumb stunt, but I don't want to punish her parents for it. The car is in the process of getting fixed and I can afford it without major financial issues. Still, I took screenshots of her messages in order for me to have some proof in case the situation escalates.

So, we met earlier at a coffee shop. She looked as if she's been crying for a long time, but it didn't change my mind at all. What shocked me was the fact that she leaned in for a kiss when she saw me, as if nothing happened. I stopped her and told her that we need to have a serious conversation. I explained that what happened wasn't because of the car itself, but because of her disrespecting my boundaries and not thinking for a second about what might happen if she did that thing. Besides that, I also felt disrespected by the fact that her best friend came knocking at my door to demand things, despite not having any rights to do so, which led me to ask my ex if she told her best friend the truth or if she lied about the situation.

She said that she only told her friend that we had a small car crash and I'm pissed at her. Hearing that made me feel disappointed as hell, but I did my best to remain calm. I told her to tell the real story to her friends and family, and she raised her voice and told me that I'm accusing her of being a liar, something that led to a 15 minutes discussion about how the crash was solely her fault and how she put our lives at risk.

I asked her if everything's clear to her about our situation and her response was "Yep, 100%, can we go home now?". That honestly shocked me. I told her that there's no way we can be back together and I suggested she should be more careful and considerate with her future partner. Her reaction was all tears, shaking, begging me to reconsider my decision, but I just can't look at her the same. I explained again that for me it wasn't a small mistake she made, it was a full-on stupid decision that shouldn't be done by an adult, as it could've resulted in something deadly.

She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. I denied and told her that she's too selfish to even realise that she broke my trust and disrespects me by saying this crap.

I left the coffee shop feeling like I've been talking to a wall, but at least I can't say that I didn't try to have a conversation. An hour ago her mom texted me asking what happened and I told her everything. I said that I don't want any money from them, but the only thing I'm asking is for my ex to keep her distance from me. She apologized for what her daughter did and wished me all the best. As for her friend, from my understanding she just came to my house without talking with my ex on wether she should do it or not, so I guess she just tried to be the main character in this whole story.

Right now I'm preparing for work, but my chest isn't heavy anymore. In case anything will happen in the future, I'll keep everyone updated, but I hope it won't be the case lol.

Thank you for helping me navigate this weird situation and thanks for all the kind messages. Hope everyone stays safe!

Edit: Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected, but I came here with the desire to get some perspective on my situation and be as transparent as possible, I never intended to post this story for votes or anything like that.

[u/Miliean]

My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets.

The really sad situation is that this kind of behaviour can be corrected, by doing exactly what OP has done. This kind of thing happens to children and adults who are allowed to live as children who never face consequences for their actions. No matter what they do it's always "it's ok, you didn't mean it, I forgive you" and so they are never forced to look at their own actions and make actual changes.

OPs Ex is young enough that she has a chance here. She may come to look at this situation and make changes to the way she behaves in the future. But it's only the ending of the relationship that can force that evaluation of her life. It's a potential benefit to her next boyfriend, unfortunately.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/Miliean]

I don't think her behavior is caused by garden variety neglect. she probably has a personality disorder. and needs serious medical intervention. if so she and her family need to go to therapy to learn how to correctly deal with such a disorder.

[u/SLRWard → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

Can we collectively knock it the fuck off with playing armchair psychiatrist and trying to diagnose someone with mental disorders based on a story not even from the person in question? It is wildly fucking inappropriate to do that shit.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

Dude, this isn't a clinical setting nor is "probably" a diagnosis. Also quit being so freaking ableist by saying people with mental disorders can't be acknowledge just because it's posted on the internet. if you need to do some research to understand that this isn't a wild random guess, please read "Loving someone with BPD" by Shari Manning PHD.

ironically I didn't even do any "armchair psychology" nor did i even remotely come close to diagnosing someone. cause some sort of "personality disorder" is not a specific diagnosis. it's so incredibly fucking inappropriate for you to insinuate that i did. I get it, you see something even remotely similar and you have a knee jerk reaction. you're not actually capable of identifying what I actually did. you probably witness the world like a pile of mash potatoes and only seeing things in vague concepts.

There is a 0% chance that I will stop trying to help people gain access to mental health resources. if you think my phrasing is inappropriate then give me better phrasing. if you think we should all die in a pit never getting help because gaining access wasn't done with enough documentation form higher learning institutes to satisfy you then you can go eat rocks.

I'm going to leave the actual diagnostics to psychologists. but that doesn't mean I'll stop pointing people to appropriate resources.

[u/Time_Eater23 → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

In my opinion both of your are right.others explain this better than me.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/Time_Eater23]

I will admit my first comment wasn't as fleshed out to give people the sense I know what I'm talking about. People didn't seem to have any problem with my other comments that implied I have personal experience with people with BPD and have put some effort into studying the condition. tho, that's why I was speaking more in general and not specifically in this thread of thought

[u/Beneficial_Shop_5721 → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

the other person is right, it is not “ableist” to say that random people on the internet shouldnt be slapping personality disorder labels on strangers theyve not only never met, but literally havent even spoken to. there are reasons why a person could behave like this that arent personality disorders…and no, personality disorders are not easy to spot through a one sided story that involves people you dont know personally.

your comment was absolutely an “armchair psychiatrist” comment and you are not doing mental health awareness ANY favors by labeling random strangers with whatever buzzword psychiatric diagnosis pops into your head. comments like yours only help normalize all of the other nonsense comments where people accuse their exes or other peoples’ exes of having personality disorders (or whatever else) without having even a fraction of the information necessary to make such a claim. it’s just increasing the confusion and misconceptions around these disorders, and that is not helpful for anybody.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/Beneficial_Shop_5721]

The abalist comment is more of a joke. I was just annoyed the person screeched at me that was fairly unrelated to what I actually said and ment. I'm not all that commited to that claim. I just know someone somewhere has made that claim and has gone on a rampage of claiming that. cause you know, the internet has nothing new on it.

but we can agree that claiming its definitely not a mental disorder is the equivalent of claiming you went through the diagnosis process hundreds of times. if you can't know its a specific mental disorder you also can't know its not some mental disorder. anything other than claiming "indeterminate" is essentially unethical. Personally I think there is a higher chance there is considering the information available. there is at least enough information to suggest that evaluation would be a recommended course of action.

[u/SLRWard → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

I'm sorry, but it's not ableist to tell someone to stop assuming mental and/or medical disorders in a person you have never met nor have any information other than a story from a third party. I'm not saying don't acknowledge people with mental disorders. I'm saying don't assign mental disorders to people you don't know. You literally accused a complete stranger of having a "personality disorder" that "needs serious medical intervention" based of a fucking Reddit post. These are your words not mine:

she probably has a personality disorder. and needs serious medical intervention.

I'm sorry you have loved ones with BPD or other personality disorders. But not everyone who is a fucking idiot has a personality disorder. Sometimes they're just a fucking idiot. It doesn't help anyone by deciding there's a mental illness causing the stupidity and saying they need serious mental help.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

Well, go research personality disorders. They aren't that hard to identify at least a reasonable concern that should be checked out further.

is there just some sort of stupid linguistically feature I forgot that would suddenly make you realize I wasn't talking in absolute certainty?

to me assuming no one has a mental disorder and just saying people with likely mental disorders are just stupid/idiot seems ignorant and abalist to me. isn't that kind of thinking exactly what causes people to try to steal crippled people's mobility aid because they don't look crippled enough?

interesting enough, I'm autistic and its really really common for autistic people to be upset with NT people screaming that no one has disorders especially people who are so painfully obvious have something going on with them. and to anyone with any semblance of an ability to observe it just looks like pure blind insanity. to the degree that we should start considering NT a severe mental disability categorized with an inability to observe obvious signs of things occuring around them.

so what NT code did I brake that made you think I was misidentifying a very obvious pattern? did I forget to announce that I have studied the subject so I wasn't assuming? or is it just rude to point out evidence of a likely condition and even people writhing around on the floor screaming about seeing all sorts of creatures is incorrect to point out as obviously having hallucinations cause I didn't do it in a hospital with a specific hallucinations identification degree? is this because you guys know you all lie so extensively that you can only trust someone who went though a program to prove they aren't lying about being able to identify these things?

seriously you guys don't make any sense and its maddening. and when I do this exact same thing with autistic people. we don't get up in eachothers faces to scream about how they violated a social rule. we actually assess the information available to see if its a reasonable assertion and what could actually be claimed with confidence and what shouldn't be said because the data doesn't actually support said claim. is that just one of your disabilities? not being able to engage in honest discussion of factual information?

[u/SLRWard → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

No thanks. I don't need to research personality disorders to not blindly assume someone I don't know and have never met or even spoken to has a mental disorder. I have multiple members of my family with diagnosed personality disorders. I know damn well to leave diagnoses to professionals and not some rando who read a book and thinks they're an expert.

But congrats on, again, assuming someone's mental status on the freaking internet, genius. You don't know shit about me, but are assuming I'm NT. Good job. Thanks for proving again that you really don't know shit and like to put labels on people out of nowhere based off insufficient evidence and blind conjecture.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

So you admit I'm not doing it blindly. okay. but its interesting that you know what mental disorders are and still blind to them.

also I was using allistic and NT interchangeably I won't be so inpercise going forward. so I'm assuming you're not autistic. which would explain some deficits in pattern recognition.

and I feel better that you're probably blowing up at me because of personality disorder instead of actually understanding what I said. I tend to be a hyper rational person, so I run into that conflict with people who have personality disorders quite often. so I'm going to assume we miscommunicated and you went nuclear.

[u/SLRWard → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

Nope. You are 100% doing this blindly. And clearly don't understand what "blindly" means.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

That is your opinion. I think it's possible to pattern recognize. I don't know how you think registering anything works if recognition isn't possible. how are you even reading?

and i have 100% acknowledged that I don't have enough information to diagnose anyone. because that is a matter of certainty. I have not expressed any level of certainty that should be considered diagnosing. I don't know why you are putting me on that high of a pedestal. I'm defiantly not.

[u/SLRWard → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

You cannot recognize patterns when you do not have sufficient actual data to actually observe a pattern from. You're making assumptions based off insufficient evidence and claiming it's pattern recognition. I'm not putting you on a pedestal, I'm calling you a jackass for making assumptions and acting like it's ok to make guesses about people's mental state.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

There is 100% enough info to recognize a pattern. not enough for a diagnostic criteria. but enough to say there is probably something worth looking into further. how do you think people even get referred to psychological evaluation?

then you're just wrong about me, wrong about what a guess is, and wrong that I am making assumptions that are beyond the evidence available. and wrong about what I am even claiming.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/SLRWard]

Keep in mind, you're not using full sentences when just saying the word blindly. that means you are impregnating it with a concept and accusing me of not knowing what concept you are using without properly explaining your meaning.

if you mean to accuse me of blindly diagnosing people. you're banetly lying because I have repeatedly stated that I am not diagnosing anyone. at most you can say that my phrazing is leading to miscommunications that is lending to other people assuming things I'm not doing. which is fair, but actually have that conversation. you'll just get more hostility when you assume people are doing things and meaning things without trying to see if an understanding of what was ment can be attained.

[u/MrRobot_96 → u/TomatoTrebuchet]

Nah he’s right you jumped to conclusions pretty quick there. She could just be young and ignorant we don’t know her.

[u/RedSkelz42020 → u/MrRobot_96]

Idk the fact the girl almost killed them and thinks everything is fine means either she does have a mental illness or shes dumb as fuck and out of all the mistakes ive made in my 25 years of life NONE of them had the potential to kill anyone.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/RedSkelz42020]

those are not mutually exclusive. being mentally ill and dumb as fuck is a pretty scary combo. I believe that is often called a karen.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/MrRobot_96]

:) fixed my original comment to make it less easily confused to be read with the subtext of a diagnosis. no idea why that kind of subtext is even seen as legitimate way to read anything. but maybe I'm missing the fact that most doctors use their authority to emotionally pressure their patients to take their comments more seriously. correct me if I'm wrong.

[u/TomatoTrebuchet → u/MrRobot_96]

sorry, but I don't mind jumping to potentially useful information. its not my place to tell other people it definitely will be useful or not to them. I can't engage with the information for them, I'm not them. nor do I care to confirm how right or wrong i ended up being that's not a particularly good use of my time.

But what if you are jumping to conclusions? should people just live their lives with everyone telling them they are just young and dumb and be suffering thinking they just are bad at things when they actually have a disorder and if someone just said "hey, this might be useful information for you" it would have solved a lot of their problems early on in life. but we just have to suffer because its considered rude to help people gain access to information that is useful to them. and maybe its only as useful as learning about the world. people are mature enough to make that decision for themselves.

I think people are too busy at thinking in absolutes. and implied comments that just aren't there.