r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 7d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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u/MameDennis1974 6d ago

Ain’t nothing like a dead beat narcissist claiming to be the one victim in a situation he created for himself.

“I wAS hELpiNG mY Co WoRKER gEt oUT of aN AbuSiVE MaRRIage!”

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u/intoon 6d ago edited 6d ago

I helped two women leave abusive men. I never slept with either. How much of that affair was just an ego boost for him plus taking advantage of a broken person in a dangerous situation. If he’s really the savior he thinks he is, the victim coworker would have stayed with him. This man is delusional

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u/Lady_Caticorn 6d ago

He could've asked his wife if the coworker could stay with them while she was leaving her husband. He could've looped his wife in and they could've together found a way to help his coworker. So scummy that he slept with her and put her in danger instead.

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u/ValorousUnicorn 6d ago

Also, imagine a world where a woman with a perfectly non-violent working-man husband wants 'an out', because they are bored and want excitement. Said woman may claim abuse when canoodling someone else, to entice them in with a 'cute little victim' routine.

Realize you live in that world, and rethink this situation, just two assholes fucking each other for fun and thrills, justification is always made after the fact.

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u/ToiIetGhost 6d ago

No thanks, I’m going to believe women when they say they’re so badly abused that they need help to escape their abuser. But you have fun with your incel pretzel logic fun little hypotheticals.

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u/00365 6d ago

Tbf, this isn't a woman narrating the story. It's a man. So, yes, "believe women" is good and helpful, but even if you believe what is being said, it's neither a woman nor a reliable narrator speaking.

We genuinely don't know if the woman in his story was bring abused. We just don't know.

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u/SprayDefiant3761 6d ago

It wouldnt change him being an AH anyway.

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u/ToiIetGhost 6d ago

He was speaking generally and being an incel. “‘Cute little victim’ routine”? The word routine signifies a known pattern of women who lie about abuse. The word cute makes light of victims. Just two (of many) problematic things in his comment.

If he said that OP is an unreliable narrator (the type of person who’d make up a story to justify his actions), that’d be different.

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u/SprayDefiant3761 6d ago

Then you still shouldnt fck em you dumb dumb. That was HIS choice. Also, who tf is sexual attracted to people in abusive marriages. Are you sick?

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u/ValorousUnicorn 4d ago

Never said he should. The OP is a dumbshit, and all kinds of people have savior complexes. I would argue almost all men go easy on morally corrupt women and female criminals because men are hardwired to feel protective of them.

This is why women in media that are shy and demure are supposedly the creme of the crop, the MC is always saving the shy princess from the evil guy.

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u/SprayDefiant3761 3d ago

Ah, that is why most crimes commited to woman are by man... becaus they have a saviour complex and are hardwired to feel protective of woman.... sure.....

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u/ValorousUnicorn 2d ago

What?

Reevaluate your context.

You are white-knighting so hard, you are taking a third party accound of some woman, whom if she DOES exist, you assume the OP whom thinks he is doing her a favor by cheating on his own wife to 'help' her, you then assume that HE put her in further danger because the PERCEIVED threat to her is now higher.

So already you ASSUME 2 men have power over a woman's decisions, and she has no equity. Then some rando points out this makes no sense, you take the OPs side, thinking women need saving, but denying men have a savior complex.

Go figure out your fucking grammar, then your fucking 'argument'.

Fucking a victim of abuse is not a hero moment, no matter how much you or OP want it to be.