TIFU by trying to do something nice for my mom's 50th birthday.

[u/Ok-Vermicelli-4674]

This happened last week but for context, my mom and me (18) don't have a close relationship, but she does have a close relationship with my younger half siblings which hurts. She can have candid and fun conversations with them but with me, it's like she always has a wall up when I try to talk to her. It doesn't only end at conversations.

They can go for lunches/dinners without me. They go on day outings and she justifies it with the fact that I am older and probably wouldn't enjoy it. The worst was probably on Christmas day last year. I woke up to the sound of the car driving off. They went to spend the day at my stepdad's mom's house. I spent Christmas by myself reading a book.

I've spent so much time wrecking my brain trying to figure what I'm doing wrong as it hasn't always been this way. I do well at school, I do chores, I cook, I babysit my siblings when she needs me too. Her 50th birthday was last weekend. She was really looking forward to it. Had a whole dinner planned with close friends and family.

I took all my savings and bought her what I thought was a really nice necklace. I asked opinions from everyone I could and took her taste into consideration too. It cost me $500 (well it was 479) and I also had it wrapped and included a box of chocolates. During the dinner party I was really excited and nervous to give it to her. When it came time to open her presents. She was ooing and aaing at all of them and, she even got tearful thanking everyone.

When it was time for my gift, she opened it and with this disgusted look on her face she said something along the lines of its nice thanks. I felt so small but I just tried to forget about her reaction. I thought maybe I was reading too much into it. That was until I saw my stepdad's sister wearing it the other day. Turns out my mom gifted it to her because she it wasn't her style and didn't like it. I died a little inside. I don't think she even ate the chocolates because I saw the kids eat them.

TL:DR I bought my mom an expensive necklace and she decided to gift it to my step aunt.

[u/illimitable1]

This is not your error. Your only error here is throwing yourself after this person who isn't really interested in having a relationship with you.

I am as old as your mother, literally. I can tell you that sometimes we don't get what we want from our parents. My parents went to the grave without telling me that they liked me or were proud of me. I wanted that so much.

Since you weren't getting what you want from your mom, figure out other ways to get what you're looking for. Find other adults to relate to. Family of choice is always an option if family of origin fails. Most of all, whatever is missing from your mother that you wish you could have from her, figure out how to give that to yourself.

The person who is fucking up here is your mother. Don't spend more time than you have to throwing pearls before swine. Some people don't know what a good thing they have with their children or child. That's not your fault.

[u/Longjumping-Pick-706 → u/illimitable1]

I’m proud of you. For your kind heart and your girth of knowledge you gave bestowed on this child. 🩷

[u/Bobozett]

This is not your FU. Also leaving you alone for Christmas is one of the vilest thing a parent can do to one's child.

Good news is that you are 18, you have your whole life ahead of you. It is time to start looking for your "own tribe/family".

As for your "mom", do not expect anything from that woman. Start treating her like she treats you. I would suggest a $5 gift card for Christmas.

[u/SummerAndTinklesBFF]

I’d be livid about that necklace and demand it back if she doesn’t want it, and make a point to tell her how much it cost. She probably thinks its < $100

How rude of her, she sounds awful. I’m sorry.

[u/Budget_Bookkeeper_59]

Man that really sucks. You went all out to make her day special, and she kind of brushed it off. It's tough when u're trying to connect, and it feels like there's a barrier there. Just remember, ur value isn't defined by her reaction. Maybe it could help to have a heart to heart with her when you're both ready.

[u/Travelgrrl]

I hurt for you, darling. All I can think of is that your mother has resentment towards your father and she subconsciously takes it out on you. Or maybe the arrival of your sibs shoved you to back of her mind. Or maybe your age makes HER feel old. Whatever the cause, it has NOTHING to do with you, and should not affect your self worth.

You seem like you have a lot on the ball. Are you heading off to college in the fall? If not this year, plan for the next. GTFO of there as soon as you can, for your own mental health. When you're back for holidays, try to set your expectations low as far as her reactions to you. Graduate and move away.

You deserve far, far better than that!

[u/pandgea]

Hey kiddo, mom here. I can't imagine being that rude to my child. Ever. You didn't FU, your mom is acting horribly. Do you have any contact with your dad, maternal or paternal grandparents? Or aunts/uncles who are blood relatives? If you do, and its not a toxic relationship they may be able to provide you with more emotional support than your own mother.

I am also concerned for you because at 18, a lot of abusive/uncaring parents are unwilling to provide any longer for their children and may ttry and turn them out on the streets. Have you graduated HS already? Do you have a job/path forward? Looking at college/trade school/armed services? Make sure you are keeping your eye on what comes next because your mother probably won't.

And lastly, if you ever need a kind word, r/momforaminute has it in spades.

[u/relliott15 → u/pandgea]

Ha! I didn’t see this, I literally just commented asking OP to visit r/momforaminute - such a great community ❤️

[u/monkey_trumpets]

I'm sorry your mom is so unfeeling. I would suggest asking her outright why she is treating you so dismissively, and depending on what she says go from there. If it's something that makes sense then maybe you two can figure things out, even if it takes time. If not then just stop doing anything nice, and work on becoming independent.

[u/RexIsAMiiCostume]

Don't throw everything you have into someone who will never return those sentiments. I know it's really hard to not have the approval of someone so important in your life, but she really just is not worth that effort.

[u/Relaxocet]

Half siblings. You are paying for the sins of your father.

[u/Longjumping-Pick-706]

I’m so deeply sorry. You did not fuck up. You did something any real mother would be so absolutely proud and blowed over by. Her reaction and regifting it is so bizarre and distasteful to me. My kid can give me a rock (and he does) and it brings tears to my eyes.

This isn’t on you at all. It’s on your mother. Who for some unknown reason, has decided to treat you like shit. This is her loss and she should be embarrassed.

I love you sweetheart. With all my heart I would be proud to call you my child. You deserve better. 🩷💕💜

[u/relliott15]

Everyone here has been so kind, and you deserve that kindness OP. I hope you are able to see how kind and special YOU really are, and if I can make a suggestion- head on over to r/momforaminute and see if you find some peace there. It’s a great place to talk to other older women who would looove to tell you all about how awesome and bad ass you are!!

Edit: Also, your mom sucks and it’s 100% not your fault.

[u/Smilerwitz]

Get it back and return/sell it to help fund a down payment on an to apartment, because it's time to leave that house sweetness. You deserve better and she's clearly not willing or able to give it to you, but I hope you are able to cultivate self with based on your own interests and successes and leave your birth mother in the past where she belongs. All my love to you.