My ex has a good heart but was a textbook avoidant (childhood trauma, push and pull, withdrawing when faced with emotions, trouble expressing love, breaking up seemingly out of nowhere when faced with big steps in the relationship, etc.). However, at the beginning of the relationship, he was so incredibly charming and loyal, which also seems to be typical for many avoidants. At the moment, I can't imagine knowingly dating another avoidant in the future. Looking back at your past relationships or dating experiences, despite a possible honeymoon phase, were there any early signs of your ex being an avoidant?

Hey everyone,

I never thought I'd be posting here, but I guess life has a way of throwing curveballs. Last week, my partner of 3 years broke up with me out of the blue. They said they needed "space" and that they felt we were "growing apart." I was heartbroken but tried to respect their wishes.

Fast forward to yesterday, and I find out through mutual friends that my ex is already seeing someone new. It's only been a week! I can't wrap my head around how they could move on so quickly, especially after everything we shared. We were planning our future together, talking about trips, even discussing moving in. And now, they're already with someone else?

I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. I can't eat, can't sleep, and every little thing reminds me of them. It's hard not to compare myself to this new person and wonder what they have that I don't. I feel worthless and discarded, like I never meant anything at all.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you cope? Right now, I just feel so lost and confused. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading. ❤️

Feel it. Cry your heart out. Reach out if you can’t stop yourself. You’ll get tired of it eventually and that’s when you’d feel like you need to help yourself. After that, you’ll get better, take care of yourself, and love yourself even more. Just go through it.

It helps if your ex pushes you away 😂 that’s veryyyyyy tiring. It gets tiring to be rejected lol.

I know everyone says this and it’s cliche and the last thing you want to hear when dealing with a breakup. But im here to say to trust the breakup. Trust that it’s protecting you from something you are likely unaware of. I went through a series of difficult breakups and asked why for years and even blamed myself.

Both of my exes are married. One of them still reaches out to me and expressed his disgust with marriage and wants to meet up and sleep with me. The other one is currently trending on social media because he is on his 4th wife in 4 years. Jumping from marriage to marriage leaving a trail of broken families and hearts.

So I say this to say that although you might be in pain trust that breakups are usually for very valid reasons and sometimes for your protection.

ive broken up two months ago. I was talking about relationship problems with my friend. Somehow it got to a point that i was reminiscing about the things he said to me. Made me think about him again while i am slowly moving on.

My favourite is “you are my kyrptonite” 🫶🏻😭 “I know i have you, i know i have someone to go back to, i know i have someone longing to meet”

One day you’re going to meet a man so brilliant and handsome you’ll be swept off your feet. You won’t see it coming, but you’ll feel it immediately - a pull you can’t escape, a connection formed so quickly you won’t be able to question it. It will feel incredible and absolutely fated, like the universe led you to this very moment, like you’ve manifested a human perfect for you in every way.

And he will promise you the world, and he will mean it, and he will love you like you’ve never been loved before. He will be kind and vulnerable and he will inspire you and show you a life you didn’t know you needed. He will anchor you as you turn your life upside down to be with him, and it will be hard and stressful but he will promise to be by your side. You’ll feel scared but loved and excited, and you’ll feel sure.

Then he’ll get scared and pull away, and you’ll be anxious, but he’ll try and reassure you. You’ll see him try so hard but it will never be enough because the expectations are too much for both of you. You’ll feel his distance until he breaks your heart in the most unbearable and painful way you can imagine. That light in you will fade into a darkness you feel you’ll never come out of. All of that love you have for him will have no where to go. You’ll question yourself, your worth, your actions, your life - and you’ll find out he’s suffering too, worse than you, and that he has no one to care for him like you do. You’ll worry about him at the cost of yourself, and you’ll want to sacrifice everything to save him because that’s what love means to you. That’s what you promised him, and him to you, yet he won’t be able to accept your love. He won’t be there for you anymore. He will never give you the closure you will feel like you need, until you find it in yourself.

You will have lost your person, your favorite human in the whole world, the dreams and the future and the life you planned will dissipate into nothing. And you’ll face this alone, and it won’t even feel real, even though everything will remind you of him. Of what you could have been together.

You’ll grasp at anything to feel a connection, to feel like you mattered. But every time you reach out, when you try to care for him, you will hurt yourself. You will struggle to accept the loss but I promise it will get easier in time. You’ll remember how much he loved you, all the amazing things he said about you, all the reasons he fell for you in the first place. How he blew up his life to be with you, too - those things are all still true. You are still worthy of a love like that. But you need to let him go.

So take care of your little heart. That heart that loved so much, so hard, and trusted so quickly. Your heart that put everything on the line for a love that felt too good to be true until it was. One day that heart will love again, and you’ll be healed, and you’ll be glad you met him even though he once shattered your heart into a million pieces. Because he showed you what it feels to be alive again, he woke you up, and now he’s giving you purpose - to find yourself again. And that is a gift.

Broke up with a girl who i was dating for the past 3 months. She randomly started ghosting me for a week and then sent a text message saying she wanted to end the ‘relationship’ we had. With no explanation whatsoever. I did not respond at that time and just said ‘okay’. I was hurt and disappointed which is why i did not react to the message. 2 months later i started thinking about her a lot and the time spent together. Another month later i sent her a text telling her how badly i missed her and that i cannot think of anything else whether its work or at home. She told me that she was sorry to break up out of a sudden without an explanation and that i did not deserve it. But the worst part was yet to follow. She also told me that she’s dating someone else now and hopes i find someone too. This BROKE ME APART. I asked her since when? She said since April, which is the same month she broke up with me in. I felt devastated and everything hurt so bad. I can not concentrate on work, at home or at the gym. I keep going back to our conversations and keep seeing our pictures again. It kills me to think about her being with someone else in her life. Sharing good moments together, going out and having sex. It hurts me to think that someone else gets to kiss her everyday and make love to her. Its so hard to get over this feeling. I had put in my full effort with her. I did nothing wrong. I took her out to dates, shared experiences with her and gave her small gifts etc but it still turned out this way. I’m still going by my routine and doing everything as usual. Working out and going to work etc. But she occupies my mind 90% of the time and i can not get over it.

How were you guys able to stop hoping that your ex might come back? I can’t stop hoping although I know that there isn’t any chance that my ex is coming back.

My avoidant ex, who broke up with me harshly and clearly stated he wanted no contact, just called me out of the blue (basically to once again vent all his reasons for breaking up, with no reflection on the pain it caused or the emotional side of things). I regret picking up. If anyone wants to vent about what they are or were going through with their avoidant ex, comment or DM me. I hope you feel better soon!

Its been a month for me. She cheated on me and when she broke up with me she said I was good in bed than the person she had sex . It totally shattered me. I begged her to stay. I cried like for a month. Still I have dreams about her. but then i asked myself a question . Are you really crying because you want her ? or are you crying because you have to let her go? for me the second question was the answer. and it has helped me a lot. I think people dealing with the same situation should ask themselves this question. Even if you forgive them and get back together, that will be more painful than breaking up. Every second when you see the person youll get flashes. Either you lose yourself or you lose them in my case it was her. Let them go, cry because you lost a person not because you want them back.

Before my breakup my body felt something was wrong before I did. I was breaking out a lot, shedding an abnormal amount of hair, body was more tense, and would have inconsistent sleep.

After the breakup, not only am I emotionally doing well, but my body feels so much better. My face is clear from acne, I haven’t shed huge chunks of hair anymore, I feel less anxious and rigid. Even my family said that I looked like I was glowing months after the breakup.

Was wondering if this has happened to anybody else.

Im f22 and my now ex just turned m22. I genuinely don’t know how to truly feel about it all when I don’t even know what happened myself. One moment me and him were fine, planning for our future and then not even a movie time frame later— he falls off the face of the earth. I’m thinking something bad happened, maybe he was hurt or his phone broke. Until I decided to go on his Facebook and I seen some girl called him at 4am? So I texted her and she was one of the type of girls to think it’s brownie points to get w someone else’s guy. By all means after she sent me pictures I was like you got it girl, that’s yours. Cus mine wouldn’t do me like that. I never cheated on him. Never was disloyal. I was so in love w that boy, when he would go to work? I’d wait for him and just tattoo myself. We did just about everything together. Wake up. Shower. Eat. Game. Travel. Go to work. Cry. Laugh. That was my other half, if you saw me you saw him. Then I had to move back south and he was not able to come. Physically and legally he couldn’t leave where he was. I feel like bad I not blown up his families phones, he never would have told me. But what’s not making sense to me is how he got caught and HE got angry? In my head I was confused and hurt because where is all this energy coming from. I say I love you and hours later we hate me? We haven’t spoke since. He wouldn’t answer my calls. Or text. I thought was he did was he did cus he’s lonely. When you’re stuck somewhere and can’t leave. All day every day then yeah I don’t agree but I can understand. It just makes me feel silly because while I am over here stuck on the fact that my fiancé is gone and I’m trying to get myself out of a hole in got put in because of him. He’s “dating” the girl he cheated on me w? It all just seems like fake bullshit and I’m not being delusional . The way that boy would go to hell and back for me is why I find it hard to believe there’s not more to all of this I just don’t know it cus I’m states away. But I have a tendency to give people more credit than they deserve. We had made a promise to each other that we were gonna better ourselves more so in a few months when we met again it will work w out a doubt because we healed what we needed to work on , took care of our priorities and got to start over. But men can’t love when they don’t love themselves. Still don’t give someone the right to cheat on someone that drove half a day just to be w them. I’m not a lover girl, I’m for my females but him? He made me love him and ways I didn’t think I could and I feel from the bottom of my heart it wasn’t one sided. He would do anything for me and did. Then all of a sudden he’s just gone? Makes no sense. But it is what it is

I feel disgusted at myself for loving a man like him. I cant even fathom what happened to me, and what did I even see or made me fall in love with my ex?

All he does is play his video games

he’s in welfare program and spends almost half his money for weed and tobacco

no sense of responsibility

Even cleaning his house is a big issue for him

he doesn’t have the motivation to be a better person or even look for a job because why would he? when the government is supporting him

he always tells me that he knows what he can offer,

…. being funny and intelligent

yeah sure. I mean… what else?

well SOMETIMES he does pay attention and listen and care about my venting in life.

I used to NEVER date those kind of guys tbh. i dont even know what has happened to me. I guess as soon as he won me over “honeymoon phase” he started showing his true colors

I (F 27) have recently split up with my Fiancé (M 29). We have been together for 13 years. Things have been a little weird between us for a while, I thought we were happy, despite typical couple arguments, nothing major, we were still planning our wedding as we had the date booked and everything. Things finally came to a hault after we went on holiday together and again despite having a nice time, i felt like i was on holiday with a friend, not a partner. Now let me be clear, I am so in love with this person, like i truely believed this was my soul mate, so despite thinking it felt a little platonic I tried to push it out my mind. We finally arrived home from holiday and his distance continued. I couldnt explain it, it felt like he was slipping away. Eventually i confronted him and asked him what was going on, he said he was fine and to drop it. I perssisted and said "I just feel like you don't love me anymore" to which he said "I have love for you..." and i said "but you're not in love with me?" And he agreed. My heart sunk, it honestly was the worst thing i've ever heard, it was horrible. I sobbed, told him we were soul mates, he said "that makes me so sad to hear, cause i really don't think you're mine". Again another dagger to the heart, i was crushed. We have a mortgage together, a dog and a wedding planned, i kept thinking about everything i stood to lose, it was too much to comprehend. I managed to persuade him to try couples counselling, we did, i thought it was going great, we'd been going for a month, but just last week he decided to tell me that his feelings arent changing and he just doesnt feel the same anymore and that its time to let go. I cannot afford the house alone, he wants to sell, i do not. Im gonna have to live with my mother who lives in a flat, so the likely hood of me getting to keep our dog is slim.

I feel like he's taken everything from me, i feel lost, like mentally, im coping, im seeing friends, im trying to keep busy, but i feel so lost in the fog. When does it get easier? What should i be doing to help myself? No contact is hard when we currently need to discuss the house, wedding and dog, theres a lot of things to sort. I just wish I didnt ever have to see him or speak to him again, but all these connections make it difficult. He also keeps saying how he wants to stay in touch and be friends. I keep reminding him how i cant do that as i still harbour very intense love for him so seeing him and hanging out wouldnt help me move on easily. He just keeps saying how im a special person who even if he doesnt love he would really like to keep in contact with. And i get it, the idea of not speaking to him ever again is scary, but i feel like i need to cut contact in order to get over him. Please give me advice on what to do, and tell me it'll get better, im really struggling with the idea of feeling like im starting my whole life over at 27. I realise that is still young, but having never dated before i am TERRIFIED of it, the idea of sleeping with someone else is so scary, and the idea and being vunerable all over again to risk someone else breaking my heart.

Sorry for the long post, I feel like i'm spiraling...

TLDR: My Fiancé broke up with me after 13 years and wants to stay friends. What should I do & when will it get easier?

Seems everyone's an "avoidant". Everything someone doesn't like about their ex is a "thing narcissists do". I hear terms like "addict" and "alcoholic" thrown around with very little to back it up in the story.

There's this need to pathologize everything.

These are all good terms to understand and be watchful for, but not everything is a symptom of something. Sometimes people are just self obsessed, disloyal a-holes who use people and abandon relationships (either by dumping, neglecting or cheating, etc.).

And while I'm just venting... when did it become okay here to say what "women" or "men" do as if they aren't individuals?

I don’t know if this goes against the rules, but I just want to say there should be a special place in hell for partners who emotionally cheat on their partners and hangout with people behind their backs. I couldn’t even fathom lining someone else up before I would break it off with my significant other. Complete disrespect.

Feeling super low and wanting to send a happy birthday text to the ex that will almost assuredly be unwelcome. But what if he really wants to hear from me? For context I broke up with him in the most dramatic of ways due to finding evidence of infidelity… I know right? Why try? Where’s my dignity? I’m just so sad and alone and missing the everything that we shared… help me :(

It's like everything's out of sync. You're trying to keep it together, but some days, it feels like you're barely hanging on. Your place feels empty without them. All those plans you made together, now it's just you. Nights are the hardest; you miss their laugh, their warmth. It's tough facing friends, pretending you're okay. But you keep going, one day at a time. Maybe one day soon, it won't hurt so much. For now, it's Netflix and ice cream, trying to remember who you are without them.

If so what was the outcome?

Finally realizing how desperate and stupid I keep looking. Idk how many times they have to keep telling me they don't want me before I understand it. I keep breaking no contact hoping they'll change their mind. But no. I just keep pushing them further away. Give me strength to let go!

So I got broken up with recently, and I’m not too sure what the reason was. For context, we had been dating for around a year and a half.

Before this everything seemed okay, and then it happened so suddenly. I had to take a trip out for 3 months, which put us in different time zones. I didn’t get a lot of time to communicate to her, but I did my best. A month and a half in she broke up with me over a text message telling me that she needed time for herself, and that she can’t forget my past mistakes. I know I messed up badly in the start of our relationship, but I did put the effort to change for her. I understand the reasoning though, and I respect her decision. I just kinda wish there was a way to work through this issue or that she had just called me instead.

My reaction to the break up has exactly been healthy either. I’ve been crying for the past 3 days thinking about her. Every time I think about her I just get the urge to text her and beg her to give me another chance. We did so much together it’s just kinda hard to accept that this is how it ends. I know it’s not right to reach out, but the urge to text her is too strong. I still love her

I cant seem to go a minute without thinking about the chance of us getting back together. We joked and always said maybe in the future, "anything can happen" - I dont think I could live with myself or her if she decides to see other people? I would stand and wait for the relationship to come back (obviously working to become a better person) but is it worth it?

We were together for 3yrs, broke up a year ago. We’ve not talked since the breakup.

I sent her a message about 6 months ago and she left me on read.

She meant a lot to me and I still care about her and hope she’s doing well. I don’t want to seem mean and cold or like I don’t care about her.. But I also want to be respectful of myself since she never responded to my message.

I would also like it if we could be friends/on good terms in the future when we’ve both healed.

Not sure what the right thing to do is?

So any tips? I have slept with one person, me and that person are no longer together, and he was awesome in bed. So now it’s been awhile and I just wanna have good awesome sex, how though? :/

It’s so weird, I know I shouldn’t and while I was in the relationship I didn’t but now I literally see him as the most amazing person, I think he is the most attractive person ever and just so amazing and that I was so lucky to ever be with him. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t help it?