r/AITAH • u/midnightanglewing • 24d ago
AITAH for not sharing my reception with my older sister
Dyslexic & on mobile
Me & my partner are doing a renewing our vows is a few weeks. My older sister got married in court a week ago only telling 3 people then dropping it on Facebook. Everyone asked where her reception will be & she said she send out invitations soon. Yesterday I visited my mom with her sence I can't drive due to medical reasons. On the drive there she bring up her wedding & say she can't afford a reception. She drag on about the entire 45 minute drive there about it. I just stayed quiet as I knew what was doing. We had a good visit with my mom & left. On the way back she starts talk about me renewing my vows & how lucky I am to afford it. About 15 minutes into the drive she comes up with idea of doing a double reception so she can celibate her marriage with everyone at the same time. I told her no as she wouldn't be able to contribute to it & I wasn't going to front the cost for her. She acted like I didn't say anything & just started talking about changes I need to make to "fit both of us" & a fair split guest list. I just said I will not be sharing my reception with you. By the time she dropped me off she had a plan to entirely change the reception to her liking. I just told her I will not even invite her if she continues to push for this. She just says ok & speeds off. Today I woke up to an invite to "her" reception same time & place as mine on facebook. She even post about how kind I was to give her the chance to celebrate her marriage with everyone. I replied to the post saying that I never agree to that & she wouldn't even be allowed there anymore. Some people are now calling me AH for not just sharing the reception hall. It's a splite between my family on if I'm an AH or if my sister is over stepping.
TLDR: My sister want to take over my reception & I refuse to share an even I'm paying for. I have several people saying I'm the AH as it's not my wedding only renewing vows & she can't afford a reception after her court wedding. Am I the AH for not sharing the reception with her.
Edit: I have security already & have a in person meeting today (day after post) with them to discuss the guest list & the possible ability of the uninvited one. Security was already part of the plan even before this incident due to other unkind family members who are not invited so what's adding one more. The only reason I still talk to my sister is for my mother's sake & I will continue to be low contact with her unfortunately. Thank you for your kind worlds. I was starting to to think I might just be AH but then realize most people who are saying are people who wouldn't have been invited in the first place. I will update after the reception as there several people requesting it.
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u/Ok_Snow_5320 24d ago
NTA also, if you have vendors, set up passwords with them lest your family decide that it's a joint reception.
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u/gastropodia42 24d ago
NTA
A lot of people just have reception at home or a potluck in a park. She can have her own reception, she just wants to steal yours.
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u/Hey__Jude_ 1d ago
Sounds like she can't handle her sister (OP) is getting attention and she's not. Double yikes.
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u/Olsson223_ 24d ago
NTA. Your sister is overstepping by trying to hijack your event. She can have her own celebration, even if it's more modest. You shouldn't have to share or change your plans, especially since you're covering all the costs. Let people think what they want; it's your event, not hers.
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u/PersonalityEqual6334 24d ago
NTA, cancel this event and do it in a year or two... if you paid anything that can't be refund back just make sure she can't BS by saying you canceled so she can take it. Anyways, let people think whatever they want, since they know she can't afford the event, why don't they just offer it to her?
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24d ago
Indeed. In fact, you can respond that throwing her a reception that she can't afford would be a great wedding gift for them to give her.
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u/Magdovus 24d ago
Time to lay it down, publicly.
Talk to the venue. No changes to be made without your approval, IN PERSON. Same with all vendors.
Hire security. In the US, you can get off-duty cops. If you do, provide endless coffee and cake and if any of their colleagues on duty drop by, they get some too. You will immediately be intensely popular with the local police.
Blow this shit up with high explosive. Or Facebook. Facebook is probably easier. Tag everyone she tagged, tag everyone you know, she knows, the priest doing her ceremony - everyone. Tell them that your sister is trying to steal your vow renewals. As such, she is uninvited. If anyone wants to disagree with you, you welcome comments. Uninvite them too.
Give security a list.
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u/midnightanglewing 24d ago
Then venue I'm going has thier own security. I have a meeting with them tomorrow to inform then of the uninvited guests to look out for & have set the guest list in stone.
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24d ago
NTA. A reception doesn't have to be a huge affair. She can rent a community hall for a couple hundred dollars and either self cater using cheap food, do potluck, buy deli etc. And most halls have a sound system for music.
You may need to add security to your budget for your renewal.
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u/midnightanglewing 24d ago
Already done as i have a few unkind family members who are not invited so security was already hired.
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24d ago
Perfect. I suspect they may earn their money. Your sister seems wilfully oblivious to anything you say.
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u/SteampunkHarley 24d ago
Also there should be a proper guest list to check at the door. This way, not just sissy is turned away but also anyone she may have invited
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u/midnightanglewing 24d ago
I got a meeting to tomorrow to talk to the security team. It will have a list of invited guests & a watch list for those I know might show up uninvited.
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u/midnightanglewing 24d ago
They mostly likely will even if she doesn't show up. I plan to treat the team after the event to a couple packs of beers or what ever they like to drink as a thank you to them after the event.
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u/Ok_Ring_3261 24d ago
NTA - WTEF? Do not budge on this - if people are so concerned let them throw her a reception
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u/Pretty_Meet_432 24d ago
NYA and to the naysayers harping in your ear about letting her hijack the reception: I’d tell them if it bothers them so much they needn’t bother coming either. OR if they really want her to have her dream reception, they can fork out the moolah and subsidize the reception for her
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u/Sweet-Interview5620 23d ago
NTA please post on face book and link it to her post that
This event is YOUR vow renewal and not your sister who is now dead to yous wedding reception. That in fact she will not be allowed anywhere near your event nor in your life again. That you Will never forgive her for thinking she can hijack your occasion and make it her own by going behind your back and just announcing it. That she would betray you like this simply so she can steal a free reception and as she couldn’t let you have attention even for your vow renewal. That if anyone has the audacity to tell you that your selfish for not allowing her to steal you and your husbands day and money which you had to save hard for. Then they are free to not attend, that your sure your sister will be delighted to know that they condone her behaviour and are agreeing to financially pay for her to have her own event.
That you are warning people now you will have security at the event to ensures sis cant gain entry and anyone who comes and tries to your spoil your event may as well stay home.
That you and your husband want only those family and friends who truly love you both there. That even if it means less people are there it will just make it more intimate and special to you for those who do come.
That you are posting this publicly to make sure its clear your event is not your sisters wedding reception. By posting it saves you having to make hundreds of phone calls to everyone to explain. That please know you will not accept any calls from people trying to guilt or shame you as you have done nothing to be guilty of.
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u/Luluderpkitty 24d ago
Updateme
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u/Apprehensive_War9612 24d ago
NTA you told her no multiple times. Uninvite her & get security because no matter what you say she will make it about her. Probably show up in a wedding dress. And even if she doesn’t TRY- there is no way to keep your family from gushing about her new marriage.
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u/SubstantialHighway57 24d ago
NTA: cancel it. It is better not to have one than to have it hijacked.
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u/DavidtheMalcolm 23d ago
Just update your page and make it clear that your sister has been engaging in emotional blackmail. Also, slash her tires before the event.
Also, you need to go no contact with her over this.
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u/teresajs 23d ago
NTA
Contact your hall and vendors and password protect your plans. Hire security to check that people who show up are on your guest list. Security will be worth the extra few hundred dollars.
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u/Ginger630 2d ago
NTA! It’s YOUR event, not hers. She can save up and plan her own reception and not hijack yours
Tell anyone agreeing with her to give her money so she can have her own reception.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 1d ago
Your sister needs a harsh life lesson. I would pay cash money to see when she shows up and security escorts her off the premises kicking and screaming like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Do what you have to do to keep her away, otherwise, you're enabling her narcissistic entitlement. NTA
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u/give-me-awards 24d ago
NTA. Your sister is out of line trying to hijack your special day for her own benefit. It's your vow renewal, not a joint celebration. She needs to learn boundaries and respect your decisions. Stand your ground.