UPDATE: AITA for “performing” in front of the camera my mom forced me to have in my room?

[u/Xtwa]

Hello everyone, as you know from my last post, I jerked it in front of a surveillance camera my mom put in my room, as a way to really get the message across that I wasn’t going to take that type of treatment.

So today, after I got off from work, I sat down to have a conversation with my mom. Initially, she ignored me and tried to avoid talking about my smooth strokes, but my dad intervened and insisted that we address the situation.

Firstly, I apologized for my actions. While some of you believe I did nothing wrong, I recognize there were better ways to communicate my frustration that didn’t involve tricking my mom into seeing me butt naked with a log in my hand.

However, I emphasized that her treatment towards me has been unfair and unnecessary. At 17, nearing adulthood, I believe I deserve more privacy and trust, not less. My dad supported me, pointing out that approaching the issue with more openness could have avoided this situation altogether.

My mom surprised me by apologizing too, admitting that she feared losing control over me and worried I might "fall from grace" like my older brother, who has gone NC with our family due to his views on Mormonism. She confessed that she had already begun arranging a marriage for me in an attempt to keep me grounded within the church, which has only added to my anxiety.

Sorry that there were no crazy new moments in this update, but I feel like these stories are much better when there is an honest, good ending. It just goes to show how many problems can be fixed with good, honest communication between one another.

Oh and also, I’m going to speak to my sister soon and if anything interesting happens I’ll leave another update.

TLDR: I became the smooth stroke king in front of a camera my mom installed in my room to assert my privacy. After a long conversation, she apologized for her actions, fearing I might stray from our religious community like my older brother.

[u/HelloJunebug]

I was raised Christian. My husband was also raised Christian. The only thing we respected from our parents once we became adults was waiting to live together until we got married. Which I regret. We were 22 when we got married. I wish we would have lived together prior. And wish we would have waited to get married. I see people now getting married at 22 and I’m like wtf it’s sooo young haha we are 36 now and been through a lot. Definitely wasn’t easy dealing with all that plus parental pressure that young. I imagine your mom wants you to married super fast, so you’ll be “safe” and “locked down”.

The thing is, your parents made their life choices, whether they caved to family pressure or not, you should have the same opportunity to make your own life choices. Mormonism is a dangerous religion and it’s hard to see that from the inside. You don’t know what your mom went through to “seemed to turn out ok”. I learned a ton about my parents once I moved out and had some space. It’s really so different than we think.

I’m not talking out of my ass or from a place of judgement, just from experience with friends and family who had to get out for their own health and safety.

[u/[deleted] → u/HelloJunebug]

Young people want to have sex. If they are waiting until marriage then they will marry young. I lived in the Bible Belt for 20 years where my boys mainly grew up. So many of their friends got married the second they graduated college…all of them virgins. Safe to say my kids will not be marrying that young. Lol

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/[deleted]]

The women in my family tend to go through husbands like water because they marry for sex even after the first rotten match. I have been married once. He was an asshole. He died during our divorce so technically I am a widow. I will never be married again. Mostly because of the paperwork making it hard to get safe if I screw up my choices. It is tragic to me how religion and appeasing people can cause so many generations of bad choices

[u/[deleted] → u/FirebirdWriter]

I’m sorry about your marriage and even if he was an asshole that still had to be hard.

My mom’s side is Irish Catholic and the divorce rate in our family is insanely low. I told my mom “That’s not necessarily a good thing. Some of you are miserably together but that damn Catholic guilt makes you stick it out at all costs.” Geeze.

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/[deleted]]

It was hard. My family decided to try and make me return to a man who tried to murder me a few times. They finally got the message at my uncle's funeral. Most also were in denial about my being disabled in part due to the family bullshit and my marriage. They wouldn't let me get close to my aunt and blocked me in. 30 people telling me what a whore I am for getting divorced and how evil I was for not having children with a man who already had children. I had just gotten past the point where abuse has you convinced you should go back and I let myself be defiant. Defiance is a consistent thing in my life and it usually ends well for me.

I listed their divorces, marriages, number of children that resent them for their upbringing and emulated me going to college (first one in my family), and listed all the early deaths in the family from domestic violence and untreated disability. I emphasized how everything wrong with me is genetic. Then went "Ee are at a funeral. Have you just been pretending to be good people or did you at least talk to Aunty?" The way they got out of my way like they melted was amazing. My aunt actually thanked me for that and admitted she had been unable to successfully leave my uncle. She also has fertility challenges and my refusal to pretend that's my fault awoke something in her. I eventually had to go no contact with everyone to be safe but she was surprised when I understood why she stayed. For one women didn't have much ability to work when single when she was a young adult, for two she was married at 16 or 17. For three? Abusers work very hard to make us dependent so we can't. She expected me to be angry she was speaking ill of the dead. I don't believe in that. If someone's an asshole why should I pretend they were a saint because they died? My uncle did a ton of good for me that laid the groundwork for my independent streak sustaining despite some things that no one alive knows about except me now. I have out lasted most of my abusers and enemies. He was someone who was abusive because he didn't have any coping skills vs a conscious choice. This doesn't excuse what he did but it does make it complicated to discuss. When I told her I believed her and that I knew people like that put on a different face for those not close family there everyday she was so happy. I don't know if she actually called a therapist after but I tried.

The hard things sometimes are the things we need. No one needs abuse mind you but I needed to defend myself and to point out that they're upset I wasn't following the rules. It was why when I tried dating and chose a toxic person again I didn't go on a second date. I remembered my aunt being so proud of me and so hopeful she could live on her own on his pension. She did take some financial literacy courses with me so I know she was proactive for a while. It was however not safe because she kept giving my mother my new address and phone numbers and my ex magically turned up. So I had to let her go too. She apologized and admitted she couldn't withstand my mother's manipulation. Few can. Diagnosed narcissist things. My father is a diagnosed sociopath. This was one of the things I listed for why they're pitiful. I had neither parent and still managed to get therapy and try to make a life. They had marriages and regret.

That date? It's been over 11 years. My partner was a new friend at the time and supported me when I went nuclear and pushed him out of the social group. A few backed him even with it being one date and somehow with 6 hours to sleep before he went off the rails I was cheating. The idea we were not exclusive without a conversation and that anyone else in my life was up to me was too hard for them. I decided to not date until I met some goals. I did but I also already found my chosen family and figured out that it's how we argue with someone that is a fantastic test for healthy. So I didn't even have to date after. I have not experienced depression except for tiny windows since I cut my family off. It went from treatment resistant to moderate within a month. So it's absolutely worth the hard parts because they are where we learn what strength we already had. The abusers like to claim they made us stronger. That's an abuser lie because if we take credit for it? They cannot manipulate us.

I wanted to put out there that it can get much better when you leave. Especially with therapy. Also in my case very sassy and very smart cats. Apparently I am such a cat person that even my landlord pushed for me to keep my current cat after two years no cats because I was not up for more grief at that time. Whatever the key things are for whoever is reading this will be different but they're the effortless relationships and hobbies. The ones that leave you content. For me that is cats, nerdy people, and letting myself play. The rest of life has its challenges but meeting those other needs means I can deal with the hard stuff and get back to the good and happy.

[u/[deleted] → u/FirebirdWriter]

Damn, girl. So happy that you took all of that hurt and turned yourself into a badass.

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/[deleted]]

Thank you. I am proud of myself for succeeding. The way I used to envision what this would be like was far from accurate. My life is wonderful because of doing the work. It's so much better than I could have dreamed and while there's challenges? This is a part of why I try to encourage people to try making a change. One step at a time and I climbed a mountain and built a palace made of happiness.

[u/[deleted] → u/FirebirdWriter]

Yes!!! We need to take accountability and get out of victim mode. Nobody else will change especially not abusers. Good for you!!!

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/[deleted]]

I think it's okay to acknowledge we have been hurt. Making being victimized something bad puts the blame on the victim. I understand your intent but I would rephrase that as taking accountability for our healing vs getting out of victim mode. It's lumping people who are not yet coping with trauma for whatever reason be it fresh or not having access to coping skills and putting them into the same category as people who claim everything they do not like is someone being abusive to hide their abuse. Again I appreciate the sentiment and am for celebrating our success it's just an easily misunderstood phrasing

[u/[deleted] → u/FirebirdWriter]

I was talking about myself and you because we were victims. That put us in the mode to expect others to change which in part is why you flounder in hell too long. The only way out is if we take accountability to figure ourselves out which is not at all self blame. It’s doing the deep work to figure out what got is in the mess in the first place and why we attracted unhealthy people, healing and getting strong enough to not only leave but not get into that shit again. But you are right. That could be misconstrued easily.

[u/FirebirdWriter → u/[deleted]]

Yeah and I honestly don't expect people to change as a direct result of abuse despite doing a lot of work to change so my own outcome was "Trust no one they never do the work." I struggle with any lies even white lies more than most autistic as a result too. I really appreciate you clarifying because I was worried you were going the self blame thing. Maybe a good wording would be something like post trauma status quo? We need to make sure we don't stay in the post abuse state as an alternative?