r/AITAH • u/Few_Relative4595 • 4d ago

UPDATE AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend after she nearly killed both of us?

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dpz91n/aitah_for_ghosting_my_girlfriend_after_she_nearly/

So the past couple of hours have been insane, honestly. Before the actual update, I just wanted to sort some things out: * I've seen people talking about this post being rage bait or fake. Honestly, I wish it was, but I actually needed to hear some opinions on what happened. * Some people talked about me having anger issues: this is not true at all, I never snapped at her like this for tickling me (let along hitting her or anything like this), but in the rage of the moment, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I might consider myself to be a calm person, but that doesn't mean I will laugh and giggle through stupid stuff. * The actual crash happened at a speed that could've killed us if I swerved in the wrong direction (I was driving on a country road, and could've frontally hit a car coming from the other direction, as the speed at which the crash happened was around 40mph/65kmph) * The tickling part and childhood trauma: I've mentioned that to my (now) ex-girlfriend around 3 months into our relationship, but as many pointed the obvious, I wasn't dating the sharpest tool in the shed and it took me a while to realize it, so I guess I might be a bit dumb as well lol. * I think I might've misused the term "Ghosting". In my head, telling her to get out of my house was already a clear sign of our relationship status.

Now, to the actual update:

After reading nearly all the comments, I took the decision to send my ex a message where I told her we should meet face-to-face. Some people suggested that I should file for a lawsuit, but my ex is still in uni and her parents can barely afford helping her. She obviously has done an insanely dumb stunt, but I don't want to punish her parents for it. The car is in the process of getting fixed and I can afford it without major financial issues. Still, I took screenshots of her messages in order for me to have some proof in case the situation escalates.

So, we met earlier at a coffee shop. She looked as if she's been crying for a long time, but it didn't change my mind at all. What shocked me was the fact that she leaned in for a kiss when she saw me, as if nothing happened. I stopped her and told her that we need to have a serious conversation. I explained that what happened wasn't because of the car itself, but because of her disrespecting my boundaries and not thinking for a second about what might happen if she did that thing. Besides that, I also felt disrespected by the fact that her best friend came knocking at my door to demand things, despite not having any rights to do so, which led me to ask my ex if she told her best friend the truth or if she lied about the situation.

She said that she only told her friend that we had a small car crash and I'm pissed at her. Hearing that made me feel disappointed as hell, but I did my best to remain calm. I told her to tell the real story to her friends and family, and she raised her voice and told me that I'm accusing her of being a liar, something that led to a 15 minutes discussion about how the crash was solely her fault and how she put our lives at risk.

I asked her if everything's clear to her about our situation and her response was "Yep, 100%, can we go home now?". That honestly shocked me. I told her that there's no way we can be back together and I suggested she should be more careful and considerate with her future partner. Her reaction was all tears, shaking, begging me to reconsider my decision, but I just can't look at her the same. I explained again that for me it wasn't a small mistake she made, it was a full-on stupid decision that shouldn't be done by an adult, as it could've resulted in something deadly.

She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. I denied and told her that she's too selfish to even realise that she broke my trust and disrespects me by saying this crap.

I left the coffee shop feeling like I've been talking to a wall, but at least I can't say that I didn't try to have a conversation. An hour ago her mom texted me asking what happened and I told her everything. I said that I don't want any money from them, but the only thing I'm asking is for my ex to keep her distance from me. She apologized for what her daughter did and wished me all the best. As for her friend, from my understanding she just came to my house without talking with my ex on wether she should do it or not, so I guess she just tried to be the main character in this whole story.

Right now I'm preparing for work, but my chest isn't heavy anymore. In case anything will happen in the future, I'll keep everyone updated, but I hope it won't be the case lol.

Thank you for helping me navigate this weird situation and thanks for all the kind messages. Hope everyone stays safe!

Edit: Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected, but I came here with the desire to get some perspective on my situation and be as transparent as possible, I never intended to post this story for votes or anything like that.

10.1k Upvotes
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1.7k

u/North-Reference7081 4d ago

you made the right call. sounds like nothing was really registering with her. it's one thing to make a mistake and be completely apologetic and learn from it, but from your description, I don't think she was gonna learn anything.

572

u/ZaraBaz 4d ago

I'm glad her mother and him had a chance to talk. She sounds reasonable, unlike the daughter.

329

u/Even_Budget2078 4d ago

Sounds like mom knows her daughter, too. Probably heard OP's story and was like "yep, sounds like daughter, sigh"

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Tfuentexxx 4d ago

You now what, even all those things I can forgive (boundary breaking, stupid behavior). Some people do stupid things, we are human and make mistakes. However, what ended things, for me at least, is having to convince her to take accountability of her actions and even failing at it. He say it himself, he was talking to a wall, you can have a relationship with someone like that. Is not just apologizing from the mouth to outside, but taking accountability and repenting on your mistakes is what makes you move on from them. This girl seems like a spoiled brat.

14

u/Leopardodellenevi 4d ago

The kind of spoiled brat with parents bleeding themselves on work so she can have the best life without knowing or recognizing the effort.

32

u/Witchgrass 4d ago

Imagine if it had been a minivan with babies in it and not a guardrail. This is the living breathing definition of an airhead.

-1

u/JerrySmithIsASith 4d ago

having to convince her to take accountability of her actions

If my understanding of the average modern tik tok feminist is correct, holding someone accountable for their behavior is incredibly toxic patriarchy.

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u/TheKidPresident 4d ago

Do you have 2 accounts or did you just copy-paste the reply to another comment

1

u/Witchgrass 4d ago

Because she only thinks of herself and I'm sorry doesn't really mean anything. It's just something she has to say to get back to normal. She's probably not used to actually having to face lasting consequences.

1

u/ShowerEven1875 3d ago

Yeah, and hopefully mother can knock some sense into her daughter’s head. It’s just unbelievable that a supposed adult doesn’t realize that tickling someone WHILE THEY ARE DRIVING is not something that you do. SMH.

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u/alansar5 4d ago

True, her mom's response shows where the real maturity in that family lies.

-17

u/RaiseIreSetFires 4d ago

No she doesn't or she wouldn't have the reckless moron she has for a daughter. They raised her to be a POS. Mom is partially to blame for all of this.

28

u/Marlon1139 4d ago edited 4d ago

Really? From the mother's response, it is possible to say that she has common sense, her daughter quite the opposite. Not every fault on a human being is due to their parents. Some people like OP ex can be a POS even if her parents went above and beyond to raise them as decent human.

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u/AdhesivenessCalm1495 4d ago

Yep. Some kids intentionally choose not to listen and act on what their parents say or teach them. It's called being selfish with no self-awareness. Straight ego and you can't tell these types nothing!

11

u/BahnMe 4d ago

Here’s a secret: people are born with innate personalities and character traits. No matter how hard you try you can’t reverse some of the undesirable ones. You can love them and train them in how to act in society but they’re not robots.

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u/UnidirectionalCyborg 4d ago

I’m going to disagree hard with you here. I have two amazing parents and three siblings.

I know my parents did everything they could to give us all love and respect, all while teaching us morals and responsibility.

It all clicked for three of us. For one it just never did, despite mountains of extra effort in terms of time, attention, emotionally, and financially. I can honestly say they tried everything, sparing no effort or expense.

Everyone has innate traits that they’re born with — some good, some bad — and good parents do their best to bring out the most of the good and minimize the bad. Not every kid who turns out the wrong way is a direct result of their parents messing up.

7

u/JakeDC 4d ago

Parenting doesn't work that way. It isn't perfect.

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u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago

As a mother of two girls, my daughter's ex would pretty much have to do something illegal for me to have the audacity to call them after a break up. That's some weird ass parenting behaviour and only serves as backup, smaller red flags compared to the enormous one OPs ex was waving.

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u/craigiest 4d ago

It sounds like the mother’s call was a real blessing. OP is reassured that the ex’s distorted, responsibility-denying version of events isn’t the narrative others believe. Having OP’s perspective, the mom is in the position to better support the ex in learning from her mistakes and respecting boundaries in future relationships. 

2

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago

You have a point but it's still weird AF

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u/UnidirectionalCyborg 4d ago edited 4d ago

Maybe the mom simply likes the now ex-boyfriend and knows her daughter’s worst tendencies and traits. A phone call after a sudden breakup when your only source of information is from a presumably known unreliable individual sounds reasonable.

Edit: spelling

6

u/TryUsingScience 4d ago

Yeah honestly, I'd be relieved to have my recent ex's mom call me. I liked her and I'm sure my ex is telling her all kinds of crazy lies about me because that's what my ex does.

The ex's mom calling OP is way less strange if she already knows her daughter is a liar and is trying to find out just how far her daughter has strayed from reality this time.

-5

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago

Perhaps but her daughter is an adult no? So, really, it's absolutely none of her business. I'd be livid if my mother had ever overstepped like this. Ridiculous imo (and it's just my opinion, so there's no need to get all upset at me).

7

u/AP_Cicada 4d ago

The ex's parents probably coddle her, as evidenced by her inability to accept she did anything wrong or that there would be consequences.

0

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago

DingDingDing!!!

0

u/UnidirectionalCyborg 4d ago

Are they coddling her or are they continuing to try to guide her and help her become a responsible adult though?

I don’t know if you’re a parent, but as a parent myself I don’t envision deciding that my responsibility as a parent ends just because my child is now technically an adult, especially if one of my children is struggling to behave as a responsible adult once they’re technically in adulthood.

It seems some people here are very quick to blame her parents for her behavior when all we know is that she is behaving poorly.

1

u/Alas-In-Blunderland 1d ago

The fact that the mom called OP makes me wonder if this isn't her first rodeo... Suspect OP's ex may have been a daddy's girl who was forgiven anything after tears and tantrums..

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u/Witchgrass 4d ago

Sounds like she was calling thinking they might have to pay for the damage. I'm sure she was calling to get the truth of the accident knowing whatever story her daughter was spinning didn't make sense.

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u/Even_Budget2078 4d ago

Can you imagine how your stomach would drop when you found out that a car accident was not just a minor bumper thing, but that your kid *tickled* the driver going 40 mph??

7

u/Bice_thePrecious 4d ago

This is what I was thinking. Imagine having to tell your potential suiters that your last partner broke up with you because you tickled him while driving.

Of course, she won't say that. She'll spin it to make it sound like he randomly stopped the car and told her to get out of it and his life.

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u/Teldori 4d ago

This was my thought when he said he told the mom he didn’t want any money from them. She may had to pay for her daughter’s behavior before.

2

u/CutesyCakez 4d ago

How old are your girls? How long have they been in relationships? When your daughters have dated someone for a substantial amount of time, you’re also creating bonds with that person too. Her calling doesn’t mean she’s betraying her daughter… If her daughter has been crying nonstop about the situation, is depressed over it or whatever, it makes sense to gain the other persons perspective to maybe even try to help the daughter with the closure that she may need. Clearly in this situation her daughter is refusing any accountability… Maybe she is even trying to assist there as well.

3

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago edited 4d ago

I just think it's overstepping bc I,myself, would never have wanted my mother calling my bf (or exbf) under any circumstances. Okay, maybe I'm the weird one here. Ofc if he called me, I'd speak to him, but I would never initiate a call to talk about their breakup. They're not 12yo

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u/Even_Budget2078 4d ago

I don't think you're weird at all, but it's not really clear what the mom knew. It doesn't sound like the daughter understood he was breaking up with her, so who knows what story mom got, but it doesn't sound like she would have known they'd broken up if daughter didn't get that. I don't have kids, but if my brother told me that SIL had gotten into an accident and was super mad at him and blaming him for it, I would probably call her. I realize that's a SIL and not boyfriend, but still, I can see where mom calling in this situation is not necessarily overstepping.

2

u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 4d ago

The daughter is either pretending to be obtuse or is really dumb AF. Either way, he dodged a bullet

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u/Teldori 4d ago edited 4d ago

I figured you were projecting. You’re not being weird, but you’re also not being sensible.

I have a daughter too. When she was college aged, if she would have come home crying “mom, he dumped me and kicked me out” I would have asked her what happened, and if it was nothing serious, I’d have consoled her and told her to move on. This is part of being an adult. If there were details like “we swerved and ended up crashing” you’re damn right I would have called to find out what happened. There are potential financial consequences at stake, and not just for the car. A lot of college age kids are on their parent’s health insurance. From experience I know some injuries from car crashes don’t manifest right way and get worse over time. At this point, the mom was probably wondering if he was at fault since he was driving, and should be on the hook for any joint or back issues her daughter might have as a result.

If the ex didn’t tell her best friend about the tickling part, she probably didn’t tell her mom either. The situation merited a phone call for clarification.

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u/miladyelle 4d ago

You’re not the weird one. While it’s great in a story because we get perspective from another point of view, irl it’s a deeply weird and helicopter-y thing to do.

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u/brattydeer 4d ago

I had to call my exes dad because he was sending me stupid messages on insta saying he was dead and his dad was using his account.

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u/Fuzzy_Laugh_1117 3d ago

Absolutely valid (& entirely different).