UPDATE AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend after she nearly killed both of us?

[u/Few_Relative4595]

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dpz91n/aitah_for_ghosting_my_girlfriend_after_she_nearly/

So the past couple of hours have been insane, honestly. Before the actual update, I just wanted to sort some things out: * I've seen people talking about this post being rage bait or fake. Honestly, I wish it was, but I actually needed to hear some opinions on what happened. * Some people talked about me having anger issues: this is not true at all, I never snapped at her like this for tickling me (let along hitting her or anything like this), but in the rage of the moment, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I might consider myself to be a calm person, but that doesn't mean I will laugh and giggle through stupid stuff. * The actual crash happened at a speed that could've killed us if I swerved in the wrong direction (I was driving on a country road, and could've frontally hit a car coming from the other direction, as the speed at which the crash happened was around 40mph/65kmph) * The tickling part and childhood trauma: I've mentioned that to my (now) ex-girlfriend around 3 months into our relationship, but as many pointed the obvious, I wasn't dating the sharpest tool in the shed and it took me a while to realize it, so I guess I might be a bit dumb as well lol. * I think I might've misused the term "Ghosting". In my head, telling her to get out of my house was already a clear sign of our relationship status.

Now, to the actual update:

After reading nearly all the comments, I took the decision to send my ex a message where I told her we should meet face-to-face. Some people suggested that I should file for a lawsuit, but my ex is still in uni and her parents can barely afford helping her. She obviously has done an insanely dumb stunt, but I don't want to punish her parents for it. The car is in the process of getting fixed and I can afford it without major financial issues. Still, I took screenshots of her messages in order for me to have some proof in case the situation escalates.

So, we met earlier at a coffee shop. She looked as if she's been crying for a long time, but it didn't change my mind at all. What shocked me was the fact that she leaned in for a kiss when she saw me, as if nothing happened. I stopped her and told her that we need to have a serious conversation. I explained that what happened wasn't because of the car itself, but because of her disrespecting my boundaries and not thinking for a second about what might happen if she did that thing. Besides that, I also felt disrespected by the fact that her best friend came knocking at my door to demand things, despite not having any rights to do so, which led me to ask my ex if she told her best friend the truth or if she lied about the situation.

She said that she only told her friend that we had a small car crash and I'm pissed at her. Hearing that made me feel disappointed as hell, but I did my best to remain calm. I told her to tell the real story to her friends and family, and she raised her voice and told me that I'm accusing her of being a liar, something that led to a 15 minutes discussion about how the crash was solely her fault and how she put our lives at risk.

I asked her if everything's clear to her about our situation and her response was "Yep, 100%, can we go home now?". That honestly shocked me. I told her that there's no way we can be back together and I suggested she should be more careful and considerate with her future partner. Her reaction was all tears, shaking, begging me to reconsider my decision, but I just can't look at her the same. I explained again that for me it wasn't a small mistake she made, it was a full-on stupid decision that shouldn't be done by an adult, as it could've resulted in something deadly.

She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. I denied and told her that she's too selfish to even realise that she broke my trust and disrespects me by saying this crap.

I left the coffee shop feeling like I've been talking to a wall, but at least I can't say that I didn't try to have a conversation. An hour ago her mom texted me asking what happened and I told her everything. I said that I don't want any money from them, but the only thing I'm asking is for my ex to keep her distance from me. She apologized for what her daughter did and wished me all the best. As for her friend, from my understanding she just came to my house without talking with my ex on wether she should do it or not, so I guess she just tried to be the main character in this whole story.

Right now I'm preparing for work, but my chest isn't heavy anymore. In case anything will happen in the future, I'll keep everyone updated, but I hope it won't be the case lol.

Thank you for helping me navigate this weird situation and thanks for all the kind messages. Hope everyone stays safe!

Edit: Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected, but I came here with the desire to get some perspective on my situation and be as transparent as possible, I never intended to post this story for votes or anything like that.

[u/Environmental_Exit19]

Good for you. She's not even mature enough for a relationship if she can't even take accountability for her own actions.

[u/TrainingFilm4296 → u/Environmental_Exit19]

That "can we go home now?" was crazy to me. She has the mind of a child. Couldn't even fathom the idea of him not wanting to be with her after not only stomping on a previously placed firm boundary, but also could've resulted in serious injury or death.

I hope someone shows her these threads, but then again, who knows if she's even capable of self-reflection.

[u/strega42 → u/TrainingFilm4296]

Sounds like my ex, who had the attitude of "if I make the right mouth noises, she'll stop bitching and things can go back to normal"... where normal = ignoring everything I said and pretending there's not a problem.

OP, you dodged a bullet.

[u/Environmental_Exit19 → u/TrainingFilm4296]

Right? And who tickles someone who she knows doesn't like it, WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING?

[u/ElectricalTeardrops → u/Environmental_Exit19]

Abusers pushing boundaries to see what else they can get away with.

At least, that's what I think. I can't fathom why else she'd blatantly violate her partners repeated boundaries, especially to put them in a dangerous situation.

[u/Erparus → u/ElectricalTeardrops]

I wouldn't go as far as to label her an abuser. She may simply me immature and oblivious to her own effect on the world around her and lack impulse control.

[u/ElectricalTeardrops → u/Erparus]

I don't think an abusive person necessarily intends abuse.

Her refusal to accept any accountability throughout, ignoring personal boundaries, putting them both in a dangerous situation, and gaslighting him afterwards (treating him like he's massively overreacting) is all abusive behavior. If she does nothing to address it, she's an abuser.

[u/the_gabih → u/ElectricalTeardrops]

Yep. A lot of abuse doesn't come from a place of active malice, but simply not thinking of the other person as a full person with thoughts, feelings and boundaries.

[u/ElectricalTeardrops → u/the_gabih]

Exactly. And being dumb or immature isn't an excuse. Especially not for adults in adult relationships. "She's a bit immature" works if she has trouble managing her emotions or if she has some dumb takes occasionally.

It doesn't cover repeatedly violating boundaries and acting like you have a right to do so without consequence. It definitely doesn't cover violate boundaries, but up the stakes by making it dangerous

[u/BoxProfessional6987 → u/the_gabih]

She seems so childish I honestly don't think she can. She never developed a theory of mind. Hell she seems to have issues with cause and effect

[u/Wonderful-Impact5121 → u/ElectricalTeardrops]

This is always a massive issue, in my mind, when people discuss abusers and their behavior.

I’d honestly argue that the vast vast majority of abusers in human history are not doing it in a super intentional, calculated, Machiavellian way.

It’s like how Reddit tends to talk about cheaters like they’re 100% banging someone else and only thinking about their partners emotional pain the entire time. No physical orgasms, just enjoying the sadism. That’s it.

Which is silly.

The common traits and behaviors of abusers are typically the result of their overall character, their biases, their emotions, their knowledge, their culture, their sense of how things “should be”, their selfishness, their poor emotional intelligence or coping methods.

But when you describe different cycles of abuse it inherently sounds very intentional.

… and then people in abusive situations process all of that. But they’re intimately in that situation. They know their abuser pretty well and lot of the time, rose colored glasses or no. And they can pretty reasonably assess that it’s not a calculated intentional thing. And a lot of the time they’d be right.

You don’t have to plan out getting defensive, then aggressive, slapping your girlfriend and yelling… then genuinely (in the moment) feeling like you went too far and did a bad thing and your girlfriend is going to be more hurt and upset than usual… so you start being nicer, doing things for her, because you did kinda go too far maybe and let your emotions go away… until you don’t care enough to even remember it happened and it becomes normal.

It’s one of the most common cycles in abusive relationships and I bet a monkey could replicate that, let alone a human being and all of our weird emotions. Doesn’t require conscious scheming.

And because all of the literature generally makes it sound intentional it’s easier for people to dismiss.

Because their partner is an abusive emotionally unstable asshole with controlling entitled beliefs sometimes… but it’s clearly not likely intentional. So maybe there’s a chance, maybe they are working on it and they’ll get better like they said the last 3 times. Life’s a journey and all that shit.

[u/ElectricalTeardrops → u/Wonderful-Impact5121]

100%. I think there's an innate desire to separate abusers and their actions into an "other" category. We don't want to think that it's applicable to ourselves. It's difficult to be objective, because abuse tactics are often stemming from emotions that most people have to grapple with at some point. The feelings behind abuse are often valid - the problem comes when those feelings are used to justify and perpetuate abuse.

Which is why it's so important to recognize the behavior, the impact, and when to take accountability.

[u/Erparus → u/ElectricalTeardrops]

You know, you're absolutely right. As a survivor myself I need to work on my positionability and responses to language.

[u/eastbaymagpie → u/ElectricalTeardrops]

Gaslighting implies she knows what she's doing. She sounds like a massively self-centered idiot who has zero understanding of the impact of her actions. She probably isn't intending to be abusive but at the end of the day it doesn't matter -- she's not capable of change right now and he's well rid of her.

[u/ElectricalTeardrops → u/eastbaymagpie]

I personally don't think a person has to know the definition of gaslighting to do it. It doesn't matter whether she knows better. It matters how she made him feel. He's being gaslit because he's being made to feel like he's overreacting to a very extreme situation.

It doesn't have to be conscious or intended on her part. There's plenty of "villains" in plenty of stories that think their actions are perfectly morally acceptable.

[u/__Fappuccino__ → u/Environmental_Exit19]

Right??!

Andplusalso who tickles someone who she knows doesn't like it, WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING?

[u/smashteapot → u/Environmental_Exit19]

Idiots with poorly-developed empathy. She just sounds thoughtless, as if she hasn't really considered his boundaries because they're different to hers.

[u/CodifyMeCaptain_ → u/TrainingFilm4296]

Right after saying she 100% understood like lmfaooooo oh my god

[u/PurpleAntifreeze → u/TrainingFilm4296]

Yeah this was just mind boggling, I don’t think reading will help this person figure anything out.

[u/pppjjjoooiii → u/TrainingFilm4296]

I wish everyone in this thread would stop giving this behavior a pass as though it’s some kind of innocent naivete. 

She’s been straight up lying and gaslighting at every point throughout this situation. “Can we go home now” wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was her implying “you’ve got your stupid and irrelevant rant out of the way, now can you shut up and forget about it”. It was her final attempt to just strong arm him back into the relationship. 

[u/Amberleh → u/TrainingFilm4296]

This stuck out to me as well. I'm a teacher, and this is the EXACT thing that 4th-7th graders say after getting lectured. Specifically those ages, not any older. It's very alarming to be coming from an adult, even if she is a young adult who's brain likely isn't full developed.

[u/BoxProfessional6987 → u/Amberleh]

She doesn't seem to understand cause and effect.

[u/unholy_hotdog → u/TrainingFilm4296]

She's not even SORRY. She may not only be immature, but psychotically selfish.