My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/minorkeyed]

Sounds like you have some unresolved anger toward your father. Ever tried understanding him and using empathy? Or is the pain still blinding your wisdom?

[u/Resident-Bluejay2801 → u/minorkeyed]

Missed the mark there. This is why using psychology based on one comment doesn’t work. Thank you for your false and condescending concern, but my relationship work my father was resolved 5 years ago and he’s a wonderful grandfather as well. If it wasn’t for my empathy and understanding, I wouldn’t have forgiven him. People screw up. That isn’t the main problem.

My anger is towards dads like this who think it’s the child’s responsibility to make amends with them. He fucked up. He should have spent more than one year attempting to make it up to his child.

[u/minorkeyed → u/Resident-Bluejay2801]

Why should he have? To appeal to your narrow, self serving morality? People aren't capable of endless suffering and different people have different tolerances for pain. Just because a person disappoints you by not living up to your expectations does not make them wrong or bad. Even parents can only endure so much hurt before they must leave. A child's pain is not the only pain that exists or matters, that's incredibly narcissistic, especially for children who are adults. Growing up means accepting your parents are also people with limits and can suffer because of your choices as their child.

[u/CharlieLeo_89 → u/minorkeyed]

What an utterly ridiculous comment. She was a child, and he’s the father. He destroyed his family with his own shitty, self-serving behavior. What he did was wrong and bad. He should’ve spent as long as it took, years if necessary, begging his daughter for forgiveness and doing everything he could to make it up to her - and even that still wouldn’t be enough.

[u/minorkeyed → u/CharlieLeo_89]

If it can never be enough, why do it? Children aren't always worth the effort. Some of them deserve to be left to their choices.