My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/Charliesmum97]

I'm endlessly fascinated at the passive voice cheaters use when discussing their affairs. 'Things just escalated', like he wasn't making a conscious decision to have sex with another person.

And OP, you 'sensed' a distance growing between you and your daughter. And you did exactly WHAT to try and save the relationship? Because it sounds like you're putting the blame squarely on your betrayed ex wife and your hurting teenaged daughter and not actually taking responsibility other than 'oh yeah, my bad. Oh well.'

[u/mj561256 → u/Charliesmum97]

Not to mention that the daughter is actually completely valid in feeling betrayed in her own right???

When men with families cheat, they aren't just harming the wife

He blew up his daughter's entire world, exploded her trust in him, all while making the woman that GREW HER AND RAISED HER feel like that

To then not actually make any attempt to repair what he broke and instead say oh it was all my wife's fault, her being hurt turned my daughter against me, completely forgetting what made her upset in the first place

[u/Sir_PressedMemories → u/mj561256]

I divorced my wife of 22 years after she cheated on me, again for the 5th time, but this time made it so completely obvious and in my face that I was left with no choice.

Actually, I had a choice, when she came back from her cheating vacation she took I begged her to go to therapy with me and repair this relationship.

She said no.

So I filed for divorce. I told her I was doing so. I had the sheriff serve her papers while the kids were not here.

I did everything I could not to involve the kids.

However, the 4 times she has taken them out since she left in February she has done nothing but trash-talk me about how I stole the house from her and everything. I never even asked her to move out, during our mediation she offered to move out if I paid her a lump sum of money. And I realized then I had not even thought about her moving out, but clearly, she was ready to leave.

And now, I stole the house from her, etc. Our oldest child, 20, knows the truth, at least knows she cheated. But the two younger ones, 17 and 12, I have not and will not tell, they do not need to know. They ask but always get the same answer, "Mom and I grew apart over time, it was no one's fault, and she wanted to be on her own for a while, no one, especially you kiddos, is at fault."

Now, I have no idea if she has told them she cheated yet or not, but she sure as shit has had a string of "Momy's really good friends" since she left.

If they ever find out, it won't be from me.

[u/mj561256 → u/Sir_PressedMemories]

I will say that this is probably the better way to deal with it, to not tell them

However, there are obviously individual circumstances and situations that may make this route worse for the child

For example, OP says that him and his daughter were really quite close. If there was a situation where OP paid less attention to his daughter during the affair, in that situation saying "it's not you, he's the one in the wrong here" may save your child from permanent self esteem/mental health issues that can come from a previously close parent suddenly not being there for you

Kids also pick up on this shit, so there's a possibility that the daughter may have even figured it out by herself, at which point you wouldn't really want to lie to their face since they would then feel betrayed by you also when they found out

And she also would've picked up on it if her mother seemed incredibly distressed

The daughter finding out about the affair in the first place is a non issue here because even if the optimal outcome is being able to divorce amicably without them finding out, that's not always possible

[u/Sir_PressedMemories → u/mj561256]

I am 100% positive that both of the younger kids know she cheated. I have heard their conversations with friends, but I will never tell them myself, and I will never badmouth their mother in front of them.

We were together for 22 years, and I would like to say that they were great, but the reality is that they were not. I held on way longer than I should have and forgave more than anyone should ever have to forgive because I wanted that family I never had.

I wanted that time with my family, that bit of "perfect family life" that I had dreamed about since I was a child, that I had watched others have while my own home life was an abusive father who my mom finally got away from when I was 7 but the courts ordered me, being a minor, to go back to him one weekend per month where he made it clear that if he could not get to her, he would get to her through me.

I met this beautiful girl one day after breaking up with a girl I had found out was married and I was the other man, that devastated me. She was sweet, she was charming, she listened when I talked, and she did not care that I was at times broken or that I had PTSD from the military, she liked me for who I was. And that acceptance was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I know now, all these years later and wiser, that she took her mother's words to heart "Find a man who can make money and use him for all he is worth, cause that's all he is worth."

Our first Valentine's day, not even 3 months after we got together I found her at her ex's house, "hanging out" when she had lied and said she was at home and I came home to surprise her with a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant.

I held on and stayed, we had no children then, I should have left, but I believed her when she said they were just hanging out and she did not want me to worry so she lied to me.

She would spend the next 22 years lying about things I would come to find out, stealing from the family, cheating on me repeatedly, and through it all I would swallow my pride, forgive her and "wipe the slate clean" and start fresh with her as she asked me to.

There were good times, sure, but not enough to outweigh the pain she caused.

Wow, sorry, I kind of got deep in the woods, there, I apologize.

Suffice it to say, I am much better off now, and so are the kids, and even our pets if I am honest, there is just a much more relaxed atmosphere around here.