r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 7d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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u/linerva 6d ago edited 6d ago

We know full well that many men wouldn't have given a shit what her relationship was like unless it was a woman they had an interest in fucking.

I love how he says he "admitted full fault" as if simply admitting it was obviously his fault for destroying his family and fucking a random coworker who confided in him...somehow fixes anything or is enough to make it up to the daughter whose life he destroyed at the time, and whose faith in him and in relationships he shattered.

Like, you can admit fault all you like, your wife and child still had every right to be extremely angry with you as a result of your 100% selfish extramarital dick wetting.

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u/Charliesmum97 6d ago

I'm endlessly fascinated at the passive voice cheaters use when discussing their affairs. 'Things just escalated', like he wasn't making a conscious decision to have sex with another person.

And OP, you 'sensed' a distance growing between you and your daughter. And you did exactly WHAT to try and save the relationship? Because it sounds like you're putting the blame squarely on your betrayed ex wife and your hurting teenaged daughter and not actually taking responsibility other than 'oh yeah, my bad. Oh well.'

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u/Medical_Honeydew_968 6d ago

In his defense he did try for a whole year before he gave up. Oh well only my flesh and blood I hurt 365 days should fix it.

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u/aggieemily2013 6d ago edited 6d ago

I wonder what "trying" looked like.

I'm no contact with my parents. Their "trying" looked like telling me what to do because they knew what was best for me and my trauma wasn't real. My dad sent a funeral card for my grandma who had died the year prior as a guilt trip, a simple happy Easter text, and a text demanding I tell my sister I forgive her because they've enabled her addictions and think I can fix it. My mom has sent three messages in three years, none acknowledging why I went no contact or taking accountability. The fourth was her giving up and saying she was relieved.

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u/Medical_Honeydew_968 6d ago

I'm sorry you have to go through this at all. People truly don't understand how bad parents can be. I'm happy you are strong enough to go complete no contact.

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u/madbricky66 6d ago

I have the oldest daughter pouting in her miserable corner right now trying to punish my wife and me for nearly 8 years now. Apparently losing her infantile fantasy about real-life families, addiction, and the aftermath in recovery resolved into "no contact" to work out her mental health. Except when mom was in a medical crisis twice now to use her medical expertise. Her mother is clean now and we are in the twilight of our years surviving TOGETHER. I thought exposure to Alateen might help teach her that addiction illness strikes both ways in families. Treatment for her co-dependence and that healing herself was desirable....with us as a family on the same road. Didnt happen, instead, she found others to commiserate with and villainize me for not being in control of the situation, as if! She seemingly has chosen the path of a wounded animal to go off and dramatically pay me back for not being a Disney movie family. The manipulations are not subtle either, trying and failing to separate us and enlist siblings to join in canceling Dad for every holiday. Now there are no holidays even as siblings. Such poison resentment is, that is drunk to hurt others! It has succeeded in my great emotional pain over her loss in my life and a split family. I futilely hope for reconciliation while not contacting her. Next year we move to assisted senior living, hopefully. I'm terminally ill fighting for my life and her window to reconcile is maybe closing and any chance to work out issues with a living person may expire. This infantile desire to hurt your parents seems to be a common theme and not even remotely useful to one's well-being. The reality of real families is all too often broken people trying to be whole again, couples trying to stay together and preserve family, and loyalties to flesh and blood kept no matter the resentments. I resolved my issues with my mother and her mistakes decades ago, over her actions leading to divorce in 1970, a half-brother, and a depressed father. It was forgiveness both for my sanity and to have peace and relationship with a mother as she is, not as I wanted, forgiving her failings as a human being just as we hope others would forgive us. Love is hard to find and canceling anyone in a family is reserved only for active abuse, not over resentments of fantasies destroyed.

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u/aggieemily2013 6d ago

i ain't reading all that. i'm happy for u tho. or sorry that happened.

Edited to add: I read enough to know I just wanted to tell you to fuck off in a funny way. You don't know shit about my circumstances.

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u/PAHi-LyVisible 5d ago

I would love to hear your eldest daughter’s side of the story, as I’m sure it would be very enlightening.🫖💅

Perhaps you might benefit from some time spent reading the Blue Book.