r/AITAH • u/WideCorners • 6d ago

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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u/moooooolia 6d ago

You wouldn’t get it, he was saving her! You wanted him to offer a safe space and comfort without getting his dick wet!?

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u/linerva 6d ago edited 6d ago

We know full well that many men wouldn't have given a shit what her relationship was like unless it was a woman they had an interest in fucking.

I love how he says he "admitted full fault" as if simply admitting it was obviously his fault for destroying his family and fucking a random coworker who confided in him...somehow fixes anything or is enough to make it up to the daughter whose life he destroyed at the time, and whose faith in him and in relationships he shattered.

Like, you can admit fault all you like, your wife and child still had every right to be extremely angry with you as a result of your 100% selfish extramarital dick wetting.

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u/Charliesmum97 6d ago

I'm endlessly fascinated at the passive voice cheaters use when discussing their affairs. 'Things just escalated', like he wasn't making a conscious decision to have sex with another person.

And OP, you 'sensed' a distance growing between you and your daughter. And you did exactly WHAT to try and save the relationship? Because it sounds like you're putting the blame squarely on your betrayed ex wife and your hurting teenaged daughter and not actually taking responsibility other than 'oh yeah, my bad. Oh well.'

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u/MedicJambi 6d ago

You know now that you say it it stands out. It's exactly what my aunt did. She also took advantage of a coworker in a physically abusive marriage. The man would show up with black eyes to work. Well she offered the sympathetic shoulder to unload onto and she took advantage of him and had sex with him.

She used, and uses this passive voice bullshit to downplay what she did. She even has the audacity to blame the man she took advantage of for her cheating.

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u/linerva 6d ago

I'm sorry you're related to her. She sounds like an AH who blames everyone else for her poor decisions.

And I'm glad that we can agree that it's taking advantage whether it's a man or woman in the abusive relationship.

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u/Charliesmum97 6d ago

Crikey. What a cow.

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u/scabbylady 6d ago

….and he fought her all the way to the bedroom obviously. Still at least it only happened once because he’d have made sure she couldn’t force him again.

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u/Ms_Emilys_Picture 6d ago

Taking advantage of someone doesn't have to be forcible assault or rape. The paralegal who handled my divorce case made me sleep with him under threat of adding $5,000 to my bill.

My former boss assaulted and harassed multiple women. He didn't have to hold us at gunpoint because we needed our jobs.

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u/Charceart11870 6d ago

Watch the doubling of the double standard.... When it's perpetrated by a woman, no one really raises an outrage about it, and actually some even support it saying you go girl, get that greener grass you deserve it, when a woman cheats & destroys the family unit, leaves for someone else, but when it's perpetrated by a guy, it gets outraged upon, and it will be talked about how men do this and destroy families etc, as if only men do and only women don't.

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u/viviolay 6d ago

looks around for people supporting the aunt

sees none

sees upvotes for the comment acknowledging the aunt was messed up

sees comment calling aunt a cow

Do you guys actually hear yourselves sometimes and pay attention or do you always say “double standards” regardless of what’s actually happening? Being perpetual victims even when you’re not getting victimized is just….yea.

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u/CheezeLoueez08 6d ago

They don’t read. They just get excited there’s an opportunity to bring up gender pointlessly and comment blindly. They don’t care.

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u/viviolay 6d ago

I’m just really getting tired of it. Every single flipping AITAH thread has them. It’s like at this point it should be considering derailing - they should just make a “double standards” subreddit so everyone else can actually engage with the situation at hand instead of their abstract often non-existent hypotheticals. Then they can just squawk at each other and get whatever validation for their victim complex they’re looking for.

It’s so annoying.

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u/CheezeLoueez08 6d ago

Absolutely. There are times when it’s a relevant point to bring up but from ppl like that it’s not. It’s never from a genuine place.

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u/madbricky66 6d ago

That's it in a nutshell. Professional victims gathered virtually to commiserate with one another as they dramatically plot how to get even with their own families as antagonists responsible for their self-inflicted agony. Resentments are drunk as a poison that only hurts themselves.