r/AITAH • u/ChocolateForward2858 • 5d ago

AITAH for suspecting my wife of doing something awful at her friend's bachelorette week in Mexico? She spent virtually 0 money and took no pictures.

I am in the middle of probably the biggest crisis of my adult life and I can barely think so I apologize in advance if this comes across as really weird or rambley.

My wife went to Mexico last week for a friends bachelorette party and aside for the plane ticket, the hotel and the first days food and drinks--she didn't spend a penny all week. I mean on the credit card it's as clear as day that on Monday up until about 9pm she was buying dinner, stuff at the hotel shop, drinks at the bar, souvenirs and then at 9pm she didn't spend another cent the entire week until she was at her layover airport in Dallas. She says it's because her friend took over and paid for everything. I guess this is plausible but it still is giving me a funny feeling.

What is worse is that my wife is a person who posts her entire life on instagram on tiktok (mostly instangram) but if she does anything from get a latte to picking the kids up at school, she will post it either as a picture or as a story. The last thing she posted on tiktok was that trend of people "jumping" into their vacation from the airport and after that her social media is blank. I was kind of keeping an eye on it because I was excited for her to go on the trip and again I guess it's plausible but it gives me a funny feeling. When she got home I said I can't wait to see all the pics she took and she really blew me off and said that she just didn't feel like taking pics that week.

She has also been incredibly distant and last night she said she just felt like sleeping on the couch because the AC hits better (this is 100% true) but I swear I heard her talking on the phone in the middle of the night. When I got up to check on her I accidentally tripped over the dog and made a huge racket so when I got downstairs she appeared to be asleep.

i brought all of this up this morning and said I'm not accusing her of anything but all this put together is making me feel uneasy. I wasn't trying to bait her or fight with her, just get my feelings on the table. She said you are a major fucking asshole for bringing this up on her first day back at work. I said I wasn't trying to pry, just communicating with her and she said "your commuincation is prying and I am not discussing this with you ever again." She then took the kids to summer camp and left.

AITAH?

Edit: so I realized that her texts probably sync to her ipad so i just checked. It took me a while to figure out the passcode but I did but there was an imessage at 9:15 the night she got to the resort from a number with no contact info that said "ok, i'll meet you in the lobby. Is the app you said signal?" I looked up signal and it's kind of like whatsapp. The ipad doesn't have signal on it.

Edit 2: If you have been following my comments, you've seen that my sister is coming over and she's an insane internet sleuth and is relentless when it comes to this cheating stuff. She also scares me a bit so I'm hoping this isn't a mistake. I'm going to probably stop responding for a while so we can talk and she can do her thing. I am numb but she can do this. Thanks for everyone and the nice comments and the reality check, its not looking good.

Edit3: she cheated my sister was able to get lots of info from the real estate guy and my wife denied it at first but then admitted it. Sorrru it took so long to update but I’m numb. Have literally 0 idea what to do now.

Edit 4: for people looking up our personal stuff…we don’t live in Lubbock nor does my wife work for the Lubbock school system. We grew up in the area and went to college there but have long since moved to another community. Please don’t try to research this as you may hurt someone who is totally not involved. I’m getting lots of advice to delete this and I don’t want to but I may have to.

Edit 5: I know people really want updates and we've been talking, arguing, screaming, threatening all day long. I'm more confused than I was this morning that's for sure. But I'm also confused, exhausted, sad, upset, nervous, and I don't know what to do. I did make a preliminary appointment with a family law attorney tomorrow to talk about protecting assets and how to navigate the legal way ahead regardless of what I chose to do. I will say that there's s subreddit that this was cross posted to and it may be the most toxic group of people I've ever seen online and I feel really bad for those people. As for the privacy issues, no one has figured out who we are. That's not a challenge by the way. I'm very tired and i doubt people are still invested but if there's still interest I can update either on this post or a new in a few days. I'm really hoping to sleep tonight. My sister still has the kids and they are having a blast and went to the lake with her boyfriend's family today so I'm glad they are in good hands.

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u/Revolutionary_Let716 5d ago

Agree. I understand being a little upset about bringing something so heavy up right before the first day back at work but to say we won’t ever discuss again or deny it? Sounds very much like gaslighting and avoiding. Having been through something similar I would say there is something going on.

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u/Amateurwife_shhh 5d ago

Absolutely, her reaction is a huge red flag. He's right to be suspicious.

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u/-Nightopian- 5d ago

Red flag is an understatement here.

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u/ZaraBaz 5d ago

Signal is a very privacy centric app. If she downloaded it in this specific situation, it was to hide what she was doing there.

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u/userfakesuper 5d ago edited 4d ago

Thing about signal app is that you can set a "destroy upon reading" time limit. including a custom time setting. If she has that set up all private messages are long gone.

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Update: She cheated. See Op update at bottom of his post.

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u/ThinRedLine87 4d ago

You can set this in pretty much all messaging apps. I think WhatsApp and Facebook support this too. Signal specifically isn't really the red flag to me, it's the switching to another form of communication.

WhatsApp in the same context would be equally suspicious

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u/TimMensch 4d ago

Yeah, I use Signal on a regular basis to talk to friends and family.

But suggesting someone switch to it in a situation like this is all kinds of sus.

And the last edit shows that, yes, it was cheating.

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u/userfakesuper 4d ago

Awww shit. We all knew she was cheating, but to have confirmation from OP is heartbreaking.

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u/fitcheckwhattheheck 4d ago

Exactly what I was thinking. Shit is perfect for that sort of thing.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 5d ago

You get a forensic copy of that phone, and I PROMISE you it’s sitting in a hidden database somewhere.

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u/JUST_AS_G00D 4d ago

That’s not how it works, Signal saves nothing. They have and consistently tell the alphabet boys to get fucked.

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u/kuschelig69 4d ago

Signal saves everything in a sqllite database: https://rado0z.github.io/Decrypt_Android_Database

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

Exactly. Just like Snapchat.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

It’s exactly how it works. Digital Forensics is my background.

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u/JUST_AS_G00D 4d ago

Even if the messages are set to self delete?

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

Well, that’s tricky. I honestly don’t know.

If you delete an SMS/MMS/iMessage it goes into a separate “folder” until it’s physically removed from the device by the user.

So, it’s POSSIBLE. I would have to test the capabilities of the app. I would have to look back at my app testing for my Mobile Forensics class because I think I started with WhatsApp and pulled the data and I didn’t find anything of value. It might have even been SnapChat. I’ll check right now actually as I still have that all in a OneDrive folder.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

So I checked and I actually did WhatsApp. I remember switching to a different app because there was nothing of value. I can’t remember if there were actual databases there or not but were just empty. I SHOULD still have the AXIOM .eo1 image of my test phone I used, so if that’s the case, I will check it again after work (5pm) and see what information was there.

Sorry, I have ADHD so I flush shit easily if it doesn’t interest me or grab my attention in a specific way. I CAN however email my old instructor who works R&D at Magnet Forensics and ask him. He’s VERY knowledgeable on Mobile Forensics. He may have even told me that I “wasn’t going to find shit” for WhatsApp.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

If it was subpoenaed by a grand jury, then I would definitely put my faith in it.

As I said in another reply, I’m personally basing it on the opinion I have of big tech. I just want to make it clear I’m not an expert, even though I have the background, and am not trying to present anything as fact.

If I have unintentionally done so, I apologize and I will try to right the wrong.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

Also, I just took a look at the link. While I realize nothing is absolute, I would definitely put my faith in that and say it’s good enough for me to believe.

I guess it’s just hard to accept that this data is nowhere to be found and is only accessible by the users who have the key to the encryption. Technology is wild.

I DO know that apps like this provide a HUGE roadblock for digital forensics.

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u/mamatomato1 4d ago

What is a forensic copy of a phone?

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

A forensic copy (image) of a phone is when you make a copy of all the data or just the data you want from a phone.

So the data is pulled off and made into a copy to preserve the integrity of the evidence, that way when the Analyst examines and analyzes it, the original doesn’t change at all.

They’ll then plug it into a forensic tool (software) like EnCase, Cellebrite, Magnet, etc. and sift through it to analyze the data.

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u/kevin9er 4d ago

Some bullshit someone who watches a lot of CSI things exists

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u/Embarrassed_Feed9068 4d ago

Creating a digital image of a device is 100000% a real thing. I am an investigator (not forensic) and routinely retain another company to do this for my files. I can lawfully only request they produce information relevant to my investigation, but the entire device’s data is captured.

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u/CCG14 4d ago

It’s absolutely a real thing. However, it doesn’t change the messages may be deleted and there’s no way to recover them. Signal and WhatsApp are both designed so the company doesn’t see or have access to the messages.

It’s why Signal was and is being used by the far right to coordinate their bullshit in the US.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

Messages aren’t deleted from a phone until you PHYSICALLY delete them.

For instance, if you just hit delete on a message on an iPhone, it will sit in a database until you physically go to the recently deleted messages and remove it. Even then, forensic tools have a chance of carving the deleted data and recovering it. It doesn’t always work, but it CAN.

Most of the time it’s not going to happen, since phones use flash storage now.

Most people know to go and delete them from recently deleted, but you’d be surprised at how many people are still dumb as shit and don’t know to do this.

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u/CCG14 4d ago

Signal has an auto delete option.

Signal and WhatsApp specifically have end to end encryption on their apps so THEY DONT HAVE ACCESS to the messages.

It’s not the same as an iPhone.

Per Signal:

State-of-the-art end-to-end encryption (powered by the open source Signal Protocol) keeps your conversations secure. We can't read your messages or listen to your calls, and no one else can either. Privacy isn’t an optional mode — it’s just the way that Signal works. Every message, every call, every time.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

I should have species. I was talking about SMS/iMessages.

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u/CCG14 4d ago

Per WhatsApp:

WhatsApp's end-to-end encryption is used when you chat with another person using WhatsApp Messenger. End-to-end encryption ensures only you and the person you're communicating with can read or listen to what is sent, and nobody in between, not even WhatsApp. This is because with end-to-end encryption, your messages are secured with a lock, and only the recipient and you have the special key needed to unlock and read them. All of this happens automatically: no need to turn on any special settings to secure your messages.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

This is not true. I promise you they sit in a database somewhere.

If you think big tech is just getting rid of their info, think again.

And it wouldn’t be the first time that they release inaccurate information to the public.

Edit: when I say “database” I don’t mean it has to sit on your phone. I mean THEY have a database it’s being backed up to.

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u/CCG14 4d ago

Per signal:

State-of-the-art end-to-end encryption (powered by the open source Signal Protocol) keeps your conversations secure. We can't read your messages or listen to your calls, and no one else can either. Privacy isn’t an optional mode — it’s just the way that Signal works. Every message, every call, every time.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

You’re a fucking idiot.

I have a BS in Cyber Forensics and Security.

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u/kevin9er 4d ago

I had access to the iOS source code and root access for years. I know the people who invented iMessage and I’ve read the source of that too. I know what files are on the phone and what can and can’t be read by law enforcement. I can’t say anything about signal but I’m pretty sure that’s open source and nobody would allow a “hidden database” to be written to disk that undermines the entire point of the project.

Oh but you have a degree so I’m the idiot.

Tell me where this database is, what format it’s in, what’s the schema, or are you just making stuff up.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

So, I was calling you an idiot because you were insisting that I was some fan of CSI with no experience.

iMessages are generally stored in an SQL-Lite database in the iPhone itself. Recently Deleted messages are stored in a different database until physically removed by the user from the “Recently Deleted” folder on the iPhone.

So I have no proof of said hidden database for things like WhatsApp, SnapChat or Signal. This is speculation and opinion on my part.

Let me clear things up:

I will sometimes make speculations and present them as fact. This is something that I likely do because of my ADHD and I will skip parts of context with my brain. This DOES NOT excuse my speculations. My speculation of a hidden database is based solely on my opinion of big tech.

So, it’s my fuck up that I jumped to a conclusion and provided no evidence for it. I would have to test the data and then pull it from the phone to analyze it and see how these apps operate.

But, I will reiterate. I’m not some fan who watches CSI. I have a degree in this shit. This doesn’t mean I am the know-all-be-all of this information. I am a human, and I sometimes make biased statements with no evidence to back it up. It seems I have dug myself deep in this thread by making such statements. That’s on me. I’ll air it out, be an adult and admit fault.

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u/kevin9er 4d ago

We good bruh

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

Also, it seems that I did not re-read my statement to provide context to myself before replying to a lot of this shit. I just did so. Scroll back up and see my reply to myself.

I’m not claiming it sits in a database that you can analyze and pull useful information. I’m saying it sits in a database, encrypted or not, and doesn’t disappear into thin air.

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u/BlackflagsSFE 4d ago

So let me reply to myself and clear things up.

What I mean is that the data is not forever lost. It’s sitting in a database, likely encrypted. If you don’t have the key to this encryption, you’re not going to be able to know what the information is, and I doubt you are brute forcing it.

I don’t mean that you can just read messages and these apps are lying.

Let me also be clear and say I have been all over the place. I’m ADHD as fuck (not an excuse) and I tend to impulsively reply to shit without re-reading what I said prior for context.

You will find a database with information for these “destroy upon reading” apps. Whether or not it’s encrypted and you can analyze the data usefully is an entirely different subject.

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u/LolaLinguini 4d ago

Bingo. Soon as I saw the wife downloaded Signal to communicate with this person unknown to the husband while she was at this resort I knew. Thats a HUGE red flag.

Add on to that the over the top aggro way the wife responded to OPs query and you have a gaslighting cheater.

I spent 8 years with mine. He was living a complete double life for that whole time, and the cheating behaviors he was doing are all right here in this man's unfortunate post.

I hope he gets his stuff in order and consults a divorce attorney so she doesnt clean him out.

Cheaters suck. 😡

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u/aoskunk 4d ago

Even if she hadn’t cheated her communication is unacceptable and incongruent with a healthy relationship. Man 8 years, how are you?

I cheated on a girl once when I was a young teen. It was the worst mistake I ever made for a long time. Was a huge learning experience though and I have never even entertained the thought of doing that to somebody again. I’ll never cheat on anyone. If I want to sleep with somebody I ask my partner. Trust is what a relationship is built on. It’s the most important thing and it is difficult to repair.

Fortunately for that teen girl she moved on and seem to get over it quickly. Of course I don’t know the scope of damage I may have done. It seemed though that my actions actually ended up hurting me the most. I really loved that girl and I was devastated over losing her for years. My brain not being finished developing is the only explanation I can come up with for my behavior. I don’t know what I was thinking. Except maybe that I didn’t really take the time to think. I was just so flattered that this second beautiful girl also wanted to sleep with me and it was the girl I’d been obsessed with for years.

Ideally it never would have happened. But if it had to I’m glad that I made that fuckup early and learned from it so as to never repeat it.

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u/ZaraBaz 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/oMANDOGo 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/Direct-Complaint-434 5d ago

RemindMe! 1day

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u/Daydreaming_Bitch 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/Surprised_Sloth72 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/HossNameOfJimBob 5d ago

Remind me! 1 day

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u/s_360 4d ago

Remindme! 1 day

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u/Jehovah_Nissi 4d ago

Remindme! 1 day

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u/Ok-Net-2113 4d ago

Remind me! 1 day

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u/Dopeaz 4d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/Hot_Ad_3968 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/weagy 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/Lower-Establishment6 5d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/BlackflagsSFE 5d ago

RemindMe 1 day

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u/Adept-Beat-8711 4d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/Reverseflash25 4d ago

RemindMe! 1 day

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u/fitandhealthyguy 4d ago

Remind me! 1 day

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u/bluedaddy664 4d ago

It is sometimes easier to communicate through WhatsApp or other messaging apps in Mexico and other foreign countries.

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u/NotReallyJohnDoe 4d ago

Signal is also free from government surveillance. I use it with a lot of my friends just for that purpose. Not hiding anything, just don’t want to share with the government.

Wanting privacy by itself is not automatically suspicious.