My Fiancé broke up with me after 13 years, what do I do now?

[u/Human-Inflation-4392]

I (F 27) have recently split up with my Fiancé (M 29). We have been together for 13 years. Things have been a little weird between us for a while, I thought we were happy, despite typical couple arguments, nothing major, we were still planning our wedding as we had the date booked and everything. Things finally came to a hault after we went on holiday together and again despite having a nice time, i felt like i was on holiday with a friend, not a partner. Now let me be clear, I am so in love with this person, like i truely believed this was my soul mate, so despite thinking it felt a little platonic I tried to push it out my mind. We finally arrived home from holiday and his distance continued. I couldnt explain it, it felt like he was slipping away. Eventually i confronted him and asked him what was going on, he said he was fine and to drop it. I perssisted and said "I just feel like you don't love me anymore" to which he said "I have love for you..." and i said "but you're not in love with me?" And he agreed. My heart sunk, it honestly was the worst thing i've ever heard, it was horrible. I sobbed, told him we were soul mates, he said "that makes me so sad to hear, cause i really don't think you're mine". Again another dagger to the heart, i was crushed. We have a mortgage together, a dog and a wedding planned, i kept thinking about everything i stood to lose, it was too much to comprehend. I managed to persuade him to try couples counselling, we did, i thought it was going great, we'd been going for a month, but just last week he decided to tell me that his feelings arent changing and he just doesnt feel the same anymore and that its time to let go. I cannot afford the house alone, he wants to sell, i do not. Im gonna have to live with my mother who lives in a flat, so the likely hood of me getting to keep our dog is slim.

I feel like he's taken everything from me, i feel lost, like mentally, im coping, im seeing friends, im trying to keep busy, but i feel so lost in the fog. When does it get easier? What should i be doing to help myself? No contact is hard when we currently need to discuss the house, wedding and dog, theres a lot of things to sort. I just wish I didnt ever have to see him or speak to him again, but all these connections make it difficult. He also keeps saying how he wants to stay in touch and be friends. I keep reminding him how i cant do that as i still harbour very intense love for him so seeing him and hanging out wouldnt help me move on easily. He just keeps saying how im a special person who even if he doesnt love he would really like to keep in contact with. And i get it, the idea of not speaking to him ever again is scary, but i feel like i need to cut contact in order to get over him. Please give me advice on what to do, and tell me it'll get better, im really struggling with the idea of feeling like im starting my whole life over at 27. I realise that is still young, but having never dated before i am TERRIFIED of it, the idea of sleeping with someone else is so scary, and the idea and being vunerable all over again to risk someone else breaking my heart.

Sorry for the long post, I feel like i'm spiraling...

TLDR: My Fiancé broke up with me after 13 years and wants to stay friends. What should I do & when will it get easier?

[u/RickySpan15h]

I think you’re off to a great start realizing that it isn’t healthy to have any type of relationship with him moving forward. That is correct. You situation is tough because you own a secure asset together (the house) which is going to have to be either sold to you or sold on the market it sounds like. This will require maybe some communication with your ex at some point without the need for divorce you won’t have an attorney who could do all of this for you without having to talk to your ex which sucks because it isn’t an option. It maybe possible to perform a sale without seeing or talking to your ex through a Realtor I would look more into that. Atm I would focus on maintaining the no contact and working out the sale of the house by yourself. Reality is you won’t feel like the break up is officially over until you finalize and divide all your property. So get this done as soon as possible so you can start to move on and heal. It will be hard but you are capable of doing this!

[u/Immediate_Tie3891]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this…such an incredibly difficult situation all around.

I’m 27 as well, and almost 4 months post breakup from an ex of 3.5 years…we had similar plans/circumstances to you all (plans for marriage, house together, etc) but with much less total time. My thoughts:

-It absolutely does get better. I was in a funk for weeks post breakup, and am just now starting to get back to relative emotional normalcy. The healing process is not fast nor linear.

-Strict no contact has helped tremendously with my healing process. I understand your situation is quite complex with the house/dog/wedding, but if I were you I’d stick to as minimal contact as possible and eventually try to get to a point where you can completely cut contact.

-Seek out therapy/friends/loved ones so you have somewhere to vent your emotions. Don’t keep everything bottled up.

-Find some new hobbies/things to take your mind off the situation. For me, I started religiously working out, I picked up reading, and I’ve been working on professional certifications for my job.

-Set some goals for yourself to focus on. One for me was running a 5k. The training for this and accomplishing it did wonders for my confidence and self esteem. Get some wins where you can!

-Him asking to be your friend is honestly insulting. There’s NO* chance of that being healthy for either of you considering your history. As well, he wants his cake and to eat it too, not marry you but still keep you around as a possible option. Incredibly unfair. Standing up for yourself and setting a boundary that this is not ok is the right path. You said it yourself that you can’t do it.

-The dating pool at 27 is scary and I feel your pain being single and having to start looking again. However, just like us, there are others out there like us going through similar things! Focus this energy on bettering yourself for now…and get serious about the dating scene when you’re at a good place to move forward.

I promise you it will get better!!! I hope this helps.

[u/Traditional_Peak_409]

My heart goes out to you fully. I was the one who ended my relationship a little over a year ago with my ex who I dated all through my 20s (5 years). I ended things, not because I didn’t love him, but because I knew marriage was next and I felt like he only loved me as a friend. And even though he swore that wasn’t the case, I knew deep in my heart he didn’t love me in the way that would last a lifetime. You know, that gut feeling us girls have that haunts us on our quiet nights? The grief I felt had so many layers, it felt like a hole I could never get out of.

The reason I share this with you is because I believe it may be helpful for you to fully process your situation at all its levels.

The time it takes to heal is ambiguous and you will never be able to put a timeline to it. I oddly found peace in this. You stop looking for the day you wake up and feel okay, you just one day wake up and feel better than the last.

The love you showed in fighting for this relationship is something a lot of people don’t have, that in itself says a lot about your heart. To a lot of other people’s point, you will find love again. It always comes to you when you least expect it.

Take time to find things you’ve always wanted to learn. I found myself working on myself and loving myself through self care. You now can take the love you were pouring into someone else and pour it into yourself.

I know the new circumstances and change feel like insult to injury, but these are just things that are going to make you stronger. Just like running that extra mile before your heart gives out, it SUCKS, but you feel so much stronger after.

10 years from now, you’re going to look back at this point in your life, with someone who shows you love in ways you never imagined. You’re going to look back at this relationship, remember all the love and lessons it taught you. And remember what a strong and resilient women you are to have powered through an extremely devastating time in your life.

Whether you are religious or not this quote has always resonated with me “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”

What we think is best for us is based on what we know now and not of what’s in store.

[u/Amazing-Caregiver255]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My partner ended things for the same reason after 11.5y and I have gone/am going through a lot of the same.

Go no contact, and avoid maintaining a friendship. You need to detach so you can move on one day. Take care of yourself and find the small things that give you joy. Do some of those everyday. Rely on your friends if you can. Do therapy if you can.

It's horrible, it takes a long time and a lot of effort. Some days I feel better, some days it's like your life has ended. It's been a few months for me. Although I still cry and feel like crap many days, I'm better now and I will be much better than what I am now. It'll be the same for you.

Hang in there. You're much stronger than you think rn. Feel free to DM if that'd help.

[u/boonhuhn]

Almost the same situation like you are in. To be honest, i still don't know how to handle the situation. We had one of the best summers last year in 10 years of us being together. A dog was in plan, our wedding was in plan. We never had big issues, but had a rough time with new jobs and other stuff going on. So we kinda drifted apart...we both dont know why and how.

I cant think of being with anyone else...but being 32 doesnt make things easier.

If you need someone to talk, just hit me up. Were in a pretty same thing there :(

[u/mizzmars]

I'm in the same boat as you. My ex 40M ended things abruptly and said he loved me but was not in love with me anymore. And hopes we stay friends. 😒 I had not suspected a thing as he always told me I was his best friend and I was the best thing that happened to him. But he then ended things and said he was feeling this way for the last 6 months but was telling me how lucky he was to have me in his life. Very confusing. It's been a month since the break up and I am struggling as well.

I too am trying no contact but we have a car and a condo together. So we have to stay in contact to figure out all that shit. Which I hate. I just don't want to talk to him anymore. He's hurt me so bad and totally blindsided me.

I've been journaling a lot and feeling my feelings. I cry A LOT. And created a sad song playlist to listen to. I started therapy. And I'm now taking anxiety medication for sleeping and for the day because it's really bad for me right now. I suggest you go the doctor if your having overwhelming feelings with anxiety or depression. I also am trying to stay active and go to the gym. I've also been taking advantage of any hot days and sun tanning at the lake with a book or a I journal. Trying to get that vitamin D in as well. Keep staying busy. Go visit friends. Take yourself out on date and bring a book or journal, whether you go to your favorite restaurant or just a nice little Cafe. I like to dress up and do this. It's nice to see yourself all done up and just be. It'll be hard. Very hard. But we can get through this. It will take a lot of time. But during this time we need to now love ourselves. ❤

[u/IcyYouThere]

You shouldn’t think of it has starting your life over again. You’ve been living your life, but now there are changes, gaps, and new perspectives. You can only take steps one day at a time to rediscover yourself and the rest of your life going forward. Don’t feel rushed, take your time to mends the wounds and reclaim your grace. Appreciate yourself and what you’ve been through, what you’ve learned. Once ready, seek adventure, seek thrill, seek to explore once again.

Best,