r/AITAH • u/throwingawayylater • 5d ago
I (F22) think my boyfriend (M26) is mad at me for “cheating” TW SA
I was SA’d by my (former) friend. she (F25) had a knife i assume only to intimidate me with which she did nick me with (on accident? Still not sure. the knife scared me so i just.. let it happen) but she was saying really sweet things to me the whole time which was conflicting, after it was over i just remember crying myself to sleep while she held me. the next day she was awake before i was and acted like nothing happened, so i left quickly and we never interacted again.
A few examples of my relationship since the assault:
When i was done telling my bf about it, the first thing he said to me was “you regret the sex and cheating or do you actually think she violated you? Why didn’t you just fucking leave when it started?” I insulted him and said maybe the knife had something to do with why i didn’t think about leaving. I apologized later and he just scoffed.
When i had nightmares about what she did to me happening in more violent ways, he always just stared at me when i’d wake up crying but he never said anything and when i’d move towards him for comfort he’d lean or sometimes fully move away.
He’s kept physical contact to a minimal and it feels like he’s disgusted by me. He hasn’t even kissed me since, and he won’t tell me how he feels when i ask if something is bothering him. It’s been a few months now.. It feels like i’m living with a mute roommate rather than a partner.
Back to how i mentioned she was talking to me during it, when i told him what happened i was still trying to make sense of it all so i told him the things she said and last month in the middle of an argument he said one of the exact same things she said to me and he said it in her native language.. I’m kinda fluent but have never spoken it in front of him and my bf has no connection to the language at all so i’m guessing he took time to learn how to say those things. I froze and kinda just zoned out for a while which stopped the argument.. but now anytime i bring up anything about our relationship he’ll repeat something she had said to me during the assault so it cuts the convo off.
AITA? I understand yelling at him when he asked me questions could definitely make me the AH, but i apologized for that and i also don’t think i cheated but based on the way he first reacted maybe he still thinks i did?
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5d ago
Firstly, I’m so sorry that you experienced this and I don’t think any of this makes you the asshole.
You say you let it happen, and I just want to let you know that freezing is a perfectly normal and really common response to sexual violence.
Sexual violence of any kind is traumatic and your boyfriend’s line of questioning was disgusting. For him to just scoff? Then for him to treat your night terrors as if they’re something to ignore?
AND HE’S PURPOSEFULLY REPEATING THINGS THAT WERE SAID TO YOU DURING YOUR ASSAULT?
Get out of there, please. His response initially was disgusting, but what it has spiraled into is really abusive, damaging behaviour. He’s punishing you for you having been sexually assaulted. It speaks volumes about him.
If you’re not already seeking some form of therapy after this, I would really, really recommend it as it gives you a safe space to work out some of the trauma.
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u/MyFianceMadeMeJoin 5d ago
I want to add some context on top of this. Everything u/AnalogueSurrounds said is correct. In addition to all this, there’s a phenomenon known as betrayal trauma. When something terrible happens to us, like it happened to you, we look to those closest to us to help regulate our nervous system and return to a feeling of safety. Sometimes instead of care or comfort, they betray us in a way and this compounds the trauma, makes it harder to be resilient, and creates a complex trauma where there was a simple one.
The most common example of this is a child being abused by a parent where the other parent allows it to happen or worse still denies it is happening. What she did to you is awful, and I’m so sorry it happened, but what he did will be just as difficult to work through in the future.
You’re NTA and you should leave him and seek out a therapist familiar with complex trauma as soon as you’re able. In the mean time, be as kind to your body as you know how to be. Rest, be gentle, move but not too much. I wish you healing.
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u/GoGoBitch 5d ago
You say you let it happen, and I just want to let you know that freezing is a perfectly normal and really common response to sexual violence.
I want to add that, even if you don’t have a freeze reaction, choosing not to fight back against someone who is sexually assaulting you to avoid further violence/bodily harm is a rational response and does not constitute consent. If someone puts a knife to your throat and threatens you to do something, that’s coercion.
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u/Common_Marsupial1920 5d ago
Thank you for saying this. My heart breaks for you, OP. There's only one way for the SO of a sexual assault victim to behave, and that is absolutely not it. There's better men out there, I promise
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u/QuietWalk2505 5d ago
I think he is a beast with no emotions.
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u/Mysterious-Wasabi103 5d ago
I think he's an insecure little man who somehow got his ego bruised by the fact his partner was sexually assaulted/raped. He doesn't seem to think she was assaulted because he's either assuming that she wanted it and/or deserved it.
Either way, OP needs to get out of this relationship. I know it's tough especially after what happened. OP wants emotional support, but he's not capable of giving that.
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u/e_bunnygurl 5d ago edited 5d ago
As someone who has experienced SA. Please please please listen to this comment above.
Edit: was half asleep and reciever is just what my brain came up with first. Sorry
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u/littlebitfunny21 5d ago
'Survivor' is often the term used for people whonhave experienced SA and don't want to be called a victim. I hope that helps.
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u/ShortLocksmith85 5d ago
"SA receiver" made me cringe. Generally if you are receiving something like a package you are taking it willingly. I get your need to not be a victim and maybe lessen the trauma but for some of us that term is going to feel very wrong. I know you did not call OP that this time but I could see someone getting very offended if you did call them that. We are allowed to label ourselves how we want but not everyone is going to be okay with the term.
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u/e_bunnygurl 5d ago
Criticism 😔 made mee feel awesome. Thanks
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u/ShortLocksmith85 5d ago
It wasn't criticism. Sometimes our brains process in a way that at the time feels right for us but we can't see how it makes others feel. Given the context of the original post and how her BF is acting a term that helps you process could have sent OP into more of a downward spiral. I wasn't trying to criticize you personally. We all were dealt a shit hand and need to work through it. OP is just at an early and confusing stage still making her sensitive and vulnerable to triggers.
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u/Thisisthenextone 5d ago
Well, that is still criticizing. You just don't mean it maliciously.
Definition:
to find fault with : point out the faults of
You are pointing out a fault in that comment that you want fixed. That's criticizing. You're not wrong for doing it, just don't pretend like it's not what you're doing.
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u/Typhoon556 NSFW 🔞 5d ago
Him re-traumatizing you by learning phrases in another language that your attacker used is one of the more diabolical things I have heard in this type of situation.
I hope you can find someone who will actually love and support you.
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u/N0t_Dr3amy 5d ago
The fact he took time to even learn that instead of learning or caring for his gf speaks volumes.
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u/Exhausted_Platypus_6 5d ago
No suggesting about it. This screams abuse, manipulation and control. He's a disgusting waste of space.
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u/QuietWalk2505 5d ago
She endured trauma! She was at her most frightening moment of her life! Has he ever showed you care, respect? Look at him. He is a beast with no emotions. NTA
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u/I_DOM_UR_PATRIARCHY 5d ago
NTA. Your BF is a real mess of a human being. You should take the opportunity to find a better one.
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u/suhhhrena 5d ago
Yeah this is….abhorrent. Leave. This man is purposely triggering you and essentially believes you cheated when you were assaulted. This is insane. NTA.
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u/EmberSolaris 5d ago
Don’t insult the human race like that. He’s more like the useless scum that grows in my pond.
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u/Amazing_Newspaper_41 5d ago
First of all NTA. You didn’t cheat, you got raped.
Your bf’s argument with why didn’t you leave is very ignorant. A very common reaction in women when they are SA’d is to freeze. It’s an evolutionary reaction which aims at getting the women through the situation without getting killed.
Your bf is now emotionally abusing you, because he is angry and probably doesn’t believe you were SA’d and it wasn’t consensual. He might even be angry you put yourself in that position. Anyway… none of his feeling are justified, nor do they justify the emotional abuse he is inflicting on you now.
Probably it would be best to leave him.
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u/Efficient_Tomato1860 5d ago
you’re bf is literally verbally and mentally abusing you. NTA leave him!!! and please go talk to someone who will actually provide you support and that you trust or a therapist. i hope you’re okay, and i’m so sorry that happened to you, sending you love💗💗💗
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u/Orsombre 5d ago
Leave him. That man is using your trauma to control you. He is an abuser. Pack discreetly your stuff, make sure he cannot go after you and block him everywhere.
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u/deathtoallants 5d ago edited 5d ago
File a police report for the SA incident even if some time has already passed. It’s possible that your bf doesn’t believe that it happened against your consent if you showed no interest in going to the police after the attack.
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u/Missy_went_missing 5d ago
She should file a report, yes, but because that assaulter needs to be punished, not to convince that bastard she calls her bf! Kick him to the curb yesterday!
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u/NaturalWitchcraft 5d ago
Reporting rape often only serves to revictimize the victim and she shouldn’t do so solely to convince this asshole that she was raped. If he doesn’t believe her, their relationship is already doomed. She should report it, yes, but on her own terms, not to prove anything to crazy dude.
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u/PsychadelicFern 5d ago
This is so true and I wish more people knew this! I was SAd maybe 9 years ago and reported it 5 years ago. I was initially believed but then police dropped the case stating there was a lack of evidence even though they never looked at my phone which I repeatedly told them had evidence on it. It was almost as traumatic as the assault itself tbh
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u/Educational_Gas_92 5d ago
Additionally, there would be no traces on her body since she was assaulted by another woman. It would only be her claim and her word against the other woman's. She could do it cause it would at least leave a precedent, but she should not hope for a conviction.
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u/Diniland 5d ago
Wouldn't it be better for it to be on file incase the rapist re ofends?
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u/Educational_Gas_92 5d ago
I agree, and if op can find the emotional strength, she should do it. She just shouldn't have the expectation of a conviction, especially if the rapist doesn't re offend, her next victims don't report her, or she moves away.
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u/Llama-no_drama 5d ago
Reporting a rape is EXTREMELY traumatising. When I tried to report mine the cop wouldn't even take the report, because he "wasn't going to let sluts ruin a young man's life". Mid-2000s. Word for word.
My friend reported her ex for raping her, the trauma caused a suicide attempt. The police came to her hospital bed to force her to recant, because "no one would believe her since they'd already had a sexual relationship." He claimed raping her in a Starbucks bathroom was consensual. This was in 2010. She died by suicide less than a year later.
Reporting a sexual assault is traumatic, and for a best case scenario of MAYBE putting the abuser away for a couple years. I support any survivor in choosing not to do that to themselves.
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u/Zestyclose_Panda_576 5d ago
I’m unsure who is worse in this story. The person who raped you or your bf
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u/Frenchiesmom73 5d ago
I absolutely think the boyfriend is worse. Not saying that the rapist is a horrible person, but the boyfriend is even worse!
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u/Charmingbeauty5562 5d ago
You are NTA. You suffered trauma, you were SA’d and now your boyfriend is traumatizing you all over again and emotionally abusing you.
You need to do 2 things - get a counselor so you can get some help. And 2, get the hell away from the monster you are with. He’s questioning you, accusing you of cheating, and repeating phrases probably to see how you’ll react. This isn’t love, this is abuse. Run 🚩
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u/No_Tomatillo1553 5d ago
The appropriate response to someone telling me they were scared and intimidated into sex they didn't want (Raped. It's rape.) is to be revolted with the perpetrator and supportive to the victim. It's to comfort you and do whatever you need to feel safe. Space if you need it, company if you need it, walking you to your car/home at night, picking you up from work/school so you don't have to take the bus/train or walk if you need it, going with you to therapy if you don't want to do it alone, etc.
It's most definitely NOT to tell you you must have wanted it or deserved to have that happen. The perpetrator and your (hopefully ex) boyfriend are the assholes.
I am sorry all that happened to you. I can't tell you how to live your life, but you definitely deserve to be safe, healthy, and happy. You deserve a partner who values you as a person as like a base level bare minimum, but you really deserve someone who lifts you up, cherishes you, and listens to you. Someone who is kind, gentle, patient.
Even just grooving along on your own will be an enormous improvement to what these weird douches are doing to you, possibly in cahoots. If you haven't read Why Does He Do That?," I strongly suggest doing so (once you are away or just somewhere he can't monitor you, like at the library, from a physical book, vs online or ebook). He might have a keylogger, cameras, or audio on phones/tablets/PCs, the home, or cars, so I do want to gently suggest being careful what you say/do. I'm not even there and he strikes me as a bad dude. Not a dumb guy, not an emotionally immature guy, but a ticking timebomb of a guy. *Be safe, OP. You deserve all the good things.**
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u/GlitteringFrost 5d ago
NTA. You were raped by someone you trusted and cared about, and when you trusted and were brave enough to tell him about the attack, he punished and used the information to abuse you. He's awful. I hope you have someone you can talk to who is supportive and caring. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
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u/2dogslife 5d ago
OP, you need therapy because what happened to you is deeply traumatic. If you reach out to a rape hotline, they can help.
What you described as your BF's behavior is equally twisted - he is using you being a victim to get his way. That's morally repugnant behavior. I would reconsider your relationship with him.
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u/Mental-Woodpecker300 5d ago
He is psychologically abusing you op and deepening your trauma from the SA.
For your own mental health you need to leave him.
Using things she said to you as weapons against you during arguments is sick and fucked up. He has no empathy for you whatsoever and instead is making himself the "victim" and minimizing what you went through by calling it 'cheating'.
This is wrong on so many levels OP. Please leave and get help.
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u/Wasabiipea 5d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your bfs behavior honestly makes me terrified for you. Its truly sick that hes repeating things your attacker said. Do you have a family/womens crisis center near you? They often have advocates for victims of SA and relationship abuse that will point you in the direction of some help.
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u/SamMac62 5d ago
I already added a comment, but I just want to let you know there's a national Hotline in the US that provides support and help finding local resources
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u/zadidoll 5d ago
He’s a loser. You were sexually assaulted by intimidation. That’s not consent. That was outright rape. Please press charges.
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u/safelix 5d ago
NTA. I can understand not being able to process such a serious event and asking insensitive questions at first. No one teaches to deal with these things, but all that has happened next is totally unacceptable.
If you're not equipped to deal with such a serious matter, then leave, but don't stay with the other just to torture them because of some twisted notion that they cheated when they were literally r*ped.
End the relationship, find a therapist, and hope you bounce back from this.
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u/Dependent-Ganache199 5d ago
Either he’s lowkey psycho or a sociopath or just doesn’t love you. When my girl was raped she didn’t want to have sex and I never pressured her or looked at it as cheating. I was just there and always made sure to comfort her and let her set the pace.
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u/Merkilan 5d ago
This sounds like you are already used to being put down and made to feel insecure which is why you are questioning yourself when attacked. I think your boyfriend is your worst enemy.
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u/TheFirstCyberianFaux 5d ago
Firstly, dump him as he has shown he will be a horrible long term partner. Second, I am going to play a guessing game on the two reasons I think he is acting like an ass: 1. He is disgusted that you had sexual contact with someone of the same sex and/or sees you as used (less pure) or 2. He believes that you made up the assault to cover up cheating and are secretly into women more than him because you mentioned that she said sweet things.
One reason is more likely than the other and I will let you all decide which is which. Either way, leave him or you will never recover from the trauma as he is now connected to it by his behavior afterwards. Don't want to leave him? At least get therapy until you are in a somewhat mentally better place and can bring yourself to do so as you two will not work out anymore. He doesn't care about you the same way as before it seems and is likely staying to not look bad for leaving.
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u/fixxer_s 5d ago
Get away from both of them, seek SA trauma counselling. Feel no guilt in making these decisions. Survive and thrive.
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u/SevenDogs1 5d ago
He doesn't care how deeply he hurts you, just so he wins an argument. He's not trying to resolve a situation, he wants to win. His ego is shallow and more important than the relationship. Immature, selfish.
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u/SamMac62 5d ago
Oh girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Not only were you assaulted, but your man is revictimizing you by treating you like it's your fault (which is actually really common)
Please listen to the people here telling you what he's doing is wrong and abusive.
There is FREE help available
Please get in touch with a "rape crisis center" today! You can easily find the one closest to you or call/chat with the National Hotline (assuming you are in the US)
They have trained people who answer their phones/are available to chat 24/7
They all offer free counseling and legal representation (if needed)
You can decide about filing a police report after you talk with the staff at the abuse center
It doesn't matter how long it's been or whether or not there is physical evidence of the assault
you are not alone
National Sexual Assault Hotline. Free. Confidential. 24/7.
~ Women's Health Nurse Practitioner & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (I'm the medical professional who meets a victim after an assault to gather evidence)
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u/anxiouslyastray 5d ago
EXCUSE ME? That man is a disgusting waste of space, the way he speaks to you and putting in so much effort just to hurt you instead of trying to comfort you speaks volumes about the type of person he is. Leave that Ahole.
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u/tomowudi 5d ago
NTA - I am appalled by your boyfriend's behavior. You should press charges against that former friend, because that is so incredibly fucked up what she did to you.
I think that losing both of these people is the best thing you could do for yourself. He's a terrible person for actually retraumatizing you by taking what you told him as a means of shaming you. Unacceptable.
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u/DawnShakhar 5d ago
NTA. But your BF is TA - he's horrible, abusive, victim blaming. You went through hell, and he's piling it on you. Please leave him now, and do it safely. And get into therapy - you deserve healing.
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u/MyLilPiglets 5d ago
One of the worse things to have to endure after a traumatic experience are the questions, passive aggressive comments or suggestions as if you just "let it happen".
Your boyfriend is doing all of these things to you and making you feel bad for feeling bad about it.
Please do not speak to him about your SA anymore as it seems to be escalating your trauma. If you have supportive family, please go to stay with them instead and get out of that relationship.
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u/Parking_Bid_9442 5d ago
I’m sorry for what you have gone through, please leave your boyfriend and cut contact with the friend who did that to you. Try theraphy if you want.
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u/Desperate-Size3951 5d ago
i am so sorry that happened to you and i know it will be hard to make such a big change after a traumatic event but you need to leave. it will only get worse. its clear he doesnt believe or respect that youve been assaulted and is even angry enough to use abusive tactics against you to make you upset. please be careful.
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u/2ndBestAtEverything 5d ago
NTA and please get yourself out of your abusive relationship. I'm terribly sorry to hear that any of this is happening to you.
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u/Apollo_Dragon777 5d ago
You're are not the AH. Your boyfriend is and so is your former friend who I think should be reported for SA. You didn't cheated. you didn't sleep around. You had a knife to your neck and violated by someone you thought you could trust. If he can't see that, then dump him. You nor anyone else deserves to be victim blame and label something you're not. You're a victim of SA, not a cheater. I am terribly sorry that this happened to you 😢 but you don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone, not your ex friend, and most surely not by a bf who treats you like crap because he can't get his head out of his ass long enough to figure out there a difference between cheating and assault. Key word being lack of consent.
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u/Independent_Goat88 5d ago
Leave. Fuck your boyfriend. Get as far away as you can! Don’t apologize to him YOU are the victim and your boyfriend is a cunt.
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u/Net-Administrative 5d ago
NTA I think this is one of those cases where you guys should break up 😭 I'm sorry you had to endure that, and the fact that he learnt how to say those words just to trigger you is horrible
If he doesn't start being supportive soon I would think about leaving
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u/Ok-Boysenberry4029 5d ago
He triggered you on purpose, please leave. He probably wants to hurt you in worse ways. NTA
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u/throwaway2019ugh 5d ago
I got SA’d when I was 19. I told my boyfriend about it and instead of caring about me at all, he said he had to think about the fact I hadn’t told him for a few days as I tried to process it, then went and told all of his friends what happened. I assume they told him it wasn’t cheating because it was literally SA. But whatever they said, he “forgave” me for it and we unfortunately stayed together another 2.5 years. Your bf is an asshole. You deserve someone who cares about you
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u/Responsible-Type-525 5d ago
NTAH and MENTAL ABUSE, leave him. Now, please.
He's going to keep doing it.
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u/AAAAHaSPIDER 5d ago
Please please please dump your boyfriend. He is blaming and shaming you for being raped at knifepoint.
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u/Bitter-Fishing-Butt 5d ago
time to bounce and find yourself some better people, bc these ones suck
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u/haikusbot 5d ago
Time to bounce and find
Yourself some better people,
Bc these ones suck
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u/rodeodave2008 5d ago
NTA… I’m sorry for what happened to you… your boyfriend should be totally supportive and patient
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u/Jollydancer 5d ago
NTA Dump the guy. He is making your trauma worse on purpose. He is not your friend and definitely doesn’t love you.
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u/EmberSolaris 5d ago
Make him your ex asap and get the hell outta there hun. His behavior is abusive. You are nta here in any way, shape, or form.
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u/PlateNo7021 5d ago
NTA, you went through something traumatic and know your boyfriend is using that against you and blaming you for it (it was NOT your fault). You're in an abusive relationship, your next steps should be looking to leave that relationship as soon as possible. Also seek professional help to try to help you with your trauma and consider reporting the woman too, she deserves to be in prison.
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u/Cuddlycatgirly 5d ago
Please get out of that relationship ASAP!! YOU ARE BEING ABUSED after assault, please please get out.
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u/straightarrow1969 5d ago
Ma’am, I gotta ask, was your boyfriend born stupid, or is it something he had to work at? You didn’t mess around on him, you were S Aed. I’d dump his moronic butt if I were you.
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u/igotquestionsokay 5d ago
You didn't zone out. You disassociated from trauma. This is really serious. Please get away from this abusive man and seek some counseling for your assault.
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u/Vicodin-ES 5d ago edited 5d ago
And these are the Days of our Lives…You must be Bold and Beautiful and follow your Guiding Light because you are Young & Restless and only have One life to Live and almost ended up in the General Hospital
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 5d ago
You’re the one who should be mad at him, not the other way around.
You were assaulted with a weapon and he’s calling it cheating. He’s ignoring your trauma and intentionally doing things to trigger you.
You need to get some therapy and get the fuck away from this asshole.
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u/Vile_Legacy_8545 5d ago
All the NTA YTA stuff aside please tell me you reported the assault to the authorities... because that is my #1 concern for you and anyone who comes into contact with this person here.
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u/EuphoricEmu1088 5d ago
Break up with this fucking asshole. I'm fuming on your behalf.
Talk to someone for support or help or whatever https://ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html
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u/Mysteries-And-More 5d ago
He is TA for doing this. You told him about your trauma and he is using it against you. Please be kind to yourself and leave. It is most likely going to be impossible to ever trust him in the future anyway. Someone should never take your most terrifying moments and use them to hurt you. Please care for yourself enough to leave. ❤️
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u/InternationalBid7163 4d ago
If you're in the U.S., please call 1800656HOPE, and you will be routed to your nearest sexual assault center. They can talk to you over the phone or have you come in for counseling. All services are free no matter your income. Rainn.org is the national website. Turning an assault on you is one of the worst things a partner can do. It could escalate to him sexually assaulting you also, so be aware of this possibility
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u/Educational_Gas_92 5d ago
NTA
I'm troubled by the fact that he would repeat things she said in her language. Perhaps he doesn't believe that you were assaulted because you are both women (you were assaulted and he is being absurd and insensitive).
You need to have a very serious discussion with him. If he cannot show compassion and love for you, you are probably better off without him.
None of the things that happened were your fault, I want you to know that.
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u/darnitdame 5d ago
She doesn't need to have a serious discussion with him. That has already occurred. He's already shown that he has no compassion or empathy for her, and is actively retraumatizing her by using words her attacker used. He does not love her or care about her. It does not matter what he believes about what happened. His viewpoint doesn't matter on any of this. He has shown that he isn't going to listen to her except to acquire things he can hurt her further with. She needs to be working on getting a new place or kicking him out, depending on whose apartment it is, and ending the relationship.
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u/Educational_Gas_92 5d ago
I think you are right. He has acted in a callous way, I feel sorry for op.
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u/grouchykitten1517 5d ago
She doesn't need to talk to him, she needs to run as fast as she can. The guy is learning another language so he can retraumatize her again and again, he's a psychopath.
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u/Agile_Impression4482 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nta. Leave that boyfriend. He is a useless piece of shit. You deserve so much better. Please seek professional help so you can work through this in a safe way. I am so so sorry this happened to you
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u/LimitOk5951 5d ago
NTA leave your ahole bf. You're going through way too much let alone his crap on top. I hope you get some time to recover a little, it's all quite traumatic sounding
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u/Travisty47 5d ago
What happened to you is awful. What your bf is doing to you is very bad, and is causing more emotional trauma.
- Report the SA to the police.
- Breakup with your bf. That relationship is over.
- Confide in someone you trust/who loves you to help you through this.
- Seek counseling. Most likely law enforcement will be able to assist with that resource.
- Keep your chin up., pray, and surround yourself with supportive people.
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u/TheRealWildGravy 5d ago
Very easy NTA,
Traumatizing thing happened, boyfriend mad for no good reason.
Good luck, I hope you will be able to deal with all of this. I wish you the best.
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u/No-Resolve-9907 5d ago
You where basically raped and he has no compassion listen sweetheart get the f out of there he don’t love you or he would help you get over it I get I must be hard for him but not as hard as it is for you leave him and do you get ya self back to a happy human then find someone who is going to care for you
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u/DevilsAdvocate8008 5d ago
1st if you haven't already you should report that person to the police because if not you are partially responsible for her doing that to other women in the future because if she gets away with it she will do it again. 2nd I have seen a very similar story except a man was raped by a woman friend at knife point and it was weird how many more comments were victim blaming the man, saying he should have fought back or that men cant get raped and other horrible stuff.
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u/Maleficent-Mirror991 5d ago
NTA. Break up and hook your boyfriend up with your friend they seem perfect for each other.
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u/Dense-Complaint9953 5d ago
Your BOYfriend is no man he is an insecure a boy, leave him find a partner that treats you like you deserve. You are not the asshole, you are not the problem. You were assaulted it’s not your fault and your Boyfriend is a pos for treating you that way. Either he needs to grow up or he doesn’t deserve to call you his girl.
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u/lalalajahehe288382 5d ago
oh this has made me so sad to read you are NTA!!! your bf is a horrible person
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI 5d ago
You didn’t let it happen. She had a knife.
Your boyfriend is trash. Make him your ex.
NTA
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u/Kroncc 5d ago
If my wife or girlfriend was raped at knifepoint, I would spend the rest of my life in prison. As a man I simply can’t understand blaming you for it. He is choosing himself and his feelings over you and your feelings without considering what you went through and are going through today.
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u/Callie_jax 5d ago
Freeze is a 100% valid body response to sexual trauma.
I’m sorry he’s treating you like that. You trusted him to tell him, you didn’t have to tell him about it.
I hope he becomes more understanding. Or yall end things. This isn’t something you want to relive over the years if he tries to throw it in your face or hold it against you. You don’t deserve that.
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u/rebel-archetype 5d ago
You need to leave. Like right now. He is sick and not the person for you. The fact that he thinks you're the one who did something wrong is just insane. He doesn't comfort you or try to help you, in any way, heal from a traumatic event. He is not the person for you. This will not go away and he won't change.
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u/Interesting_Chef_896 5d ago
Did you report it to the police? If you want to be credible, you start there
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u/ItsAcunaMatata 5d ago
NTA. You were assaulted and threatened with a weapon! That is not cheating. Your boyfriend's behavior of blaming the victim is horrendous! Also, the fact that he learned how to say the things she said to you during said assault in another language is deeply disturbing. Sounds like just a way to get back at you and try to hold your "cheating" over your head because he thinks you're at fault.
The biggest act of self kindness you can do for yourself right now is to dump the trash (your boyfriend) and go talk to a therapist.
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u/Excellent-Vast7521 5d ago
Get out-, he isn't concerned about your feelings, or helping with what you have been thru. Partners support each other/
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u/Guilty_Honeydew_7714 5d ago
Press charges on her , save other people from that. You’re the victim and in regards to him he’s wrong but he probably is thinking if a man did it you would press charges but since you haven’t with this woman then in a weird way he believes it was consensual. He hasn’t left despite thinking it’s cheating because he’s conflicted on what to believe but his coldness towards you leads me to believe he is leaning towards cheating. This was a CIS woman correct?
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u/Tasty-Explanation-86 5d ago
People on here are mad at her boyfriend , but not the woman who allegedly sexually assaulted her . Reddit truly is a strange place .
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u/LoveMyMraz 5d ago
Of course we’re mad at the woman. OP addresses that they are no longer friends, so we can assume that bridge has been burned and she is seeking safety. OP is now actively being re-traumatized by someone who should be her biggest comfort. There’s no dispute that the woman is a monster-we’re trying to assure OP that her bf is also a monster.
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u/handyandy808 5d ago
She should file charges against her assaulter, for her own sake as well as other potential victims.
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u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo 5d ago
Sounds like he doesn't believe you were raped, so he treats you like a cheater.
Just leave.
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u/Datttguy 5d ago
From an outsider's perspective, this sounds heated.
Your BF might think you created the situation and are using the SA accusation to make yourself blameless.
Anyway, space and distance (physical and emotional) are a good idea.
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u/Libertarian-dissent 5d ago
Please leave him immediately. You don't need that and I'm sorry this happened to you. Not having support from anyone can be the loneliest thing in the world. Please get support and consider talking to a therapist
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u/Casehead 5d ago
Jesus Christ. NTA. Your boyfriend is obviously abusing you.
This has to be rage bait.
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u/PastelJude 5d ago
NTA, you being SA’d is NOT cheating! He is t being very sympathetic or caring about your situation at all and o my thinking of his own feelings, which is really messed up.
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u/Altruistic_Emu_8271 5d ago
HE'S PROBABLY WONDERING WHY YOU DIDN'T REPORT HER TO THE POLICE. that's why he considers it cheating, if she faced no jail time and you didn't arrest her he figures you must be cheating.
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u/WeirdAlba 5d ago
Leave him and block him, file a restraining order for the rapist, and find people who help you feel safe.
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u/Booziebunzz 5d ago
If he’s being spiteful and not understanding leave him. He’s being disrespectful and selfish instead of thinking about what you just went through. He’s not getting the bigger picture and only seeing it as “cheating” when it’s more than that it’s SA… it’s messed up the way he’s treating my you and talking to you. Don’t put up with it and leave and find someone that will be supportive and compassionate. I’m so sorry that happened to you ):
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u/NobodyofGreatImport 5d ago
He is not a caring boyfriend. He is your abuser. All the things he's doing aren't going to make you better, they're going to make you worse. Get out of there as soon as possible.
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u/lame_username2319 5d ago
Men who think sexual assault is either cheating or dirty are fucking crazy and you need to run! When I told my ex about my sexual assault as a literal child.... Later in an argument called me a whore and said I obviously enjoyed getting molested cause I was such a whore now I was obviously one then!
He use to accuse me of cheating calling me a whore getting mad for sleeping turns out WAIT FOR IT GUYS... He was cheating on me... Lol I never gave any reason for him to be like that... He would even get mad when he couldn't find anything in my phone!
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u/Big_Zucchini_9800 5d ago
oh my god NTA and your boyfriend is GARBAGE! He needs to be sent out onto one of those floating garbage dumps and set on FIRE!!!
You were raped by someone you trusted and then the person who should have comforted you instead blamed you and has weaponized your trauma against you MULTIPLE TIMES!!
You are having PTSD trauma responses to a traumatic incident and he has LEARNED YOUR TRIGGERS to INTENTIONALLY TRIGGER YOU! This is next-level emotional abuse. He has invented a new form of emotional torture and I really hope it doesn't catch on with the other abusers out there, because this is some sick twisted shit.
I'm so so sorry: he's not going to go back to being the guy you fell in love with. That guy is dead. Instead you have some invasion-on-the-body-snatchers/Men-In-Black-bug living in his skin suit and pretending to be your bf. You should NOT feel guilty about leaving the giant insect who is pretending to be your love and torturing you. You SHOULD make plans to financially separate yourself and get somewhere safe.
I'm going to say something very scary next, so please make sure you are in a comfy blanket for this part:>! if you tell him you want to break up, he will rape you. He will tell you that it is because this is "how you like it" and he will tell you afterwards that he did it to make you happy, to keep you safe, to give you the intimacy your relationship has been missing. Whatever he thinks you will believe to justify his desire to hurt you because you dumping him hurts his ego.!<
Please get yourself to safety before you tell him that you're not coming back. Get yourself a therapist who specializes in rape recovery, start working on EMDR, play tetris when you need to calm down and rewire your brain, and give yourself time to breathe and heal before you push yourself to love or trust again. There are great people out there who are NOTHING like your "friend" and boyfriend, and you deserve to have them in your life. It will take a long time before you will feel totally safe again, but you WILL feel safe again, and when you do it will feel like no time at all. It took my 2 years to even say the word rape after my assault and now it feels like the rape happened and I was over it the next day. You will get there! You deserve to feel loved, to feel safe, to really BE safe! Gie your future self the gift of a head start by taking action now.
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u/hadoyastopthis 5d ago
Your boyfriend is a destructive narcissist, and you need to end that relationship like yesterday.
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u/OkExternal7904 5d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. Sexual assault, in whatever form it takes, has happened to millions of women and men. It's not your fault and could never be your fault. It's the rapists fault, entirely.
The big problem here is with a boyfriend who lacks both empathy and sympathy. I'm sure you can find someone who possesses these characteristics and live a nice life.
However, you should file a police report for the assault. If for no other reason than your own well-being. But also, she's probably done this before and will rape again and she'll never be held accountable until someone reports it, making a paper trail. Why should she get away with being a sex criminal?
Dump the boyfriend today. Don't let another day of his volatile behavior continue. It's the first step in healing.
✌️ and ❤️ to a fellow traveler.
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u/Hallucinationsyren 5d ago
NTA. He's sick in the head OP. He's blaming you for your SA claiming you could have just left and that you cheated. He doesn't believe you were sexually assaulted nor does he give a shit. Now he's using the things she said at the time to make you relive it again and again to torture you when you guys argue. He isn't physical and doesn't even communicate with you. You did NOT cheat. You were assaulted. You need to leave your bf. He's not even human and even ignores your nightmares. Please ghost this POS OP. You need to get rid of him. He's so extremely toxic and abusive.
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u/Snoo_59080 5d ago
You need to leave this man IMMEDIATELY! No normal, logical, loving person would ever ever ever ever ever ever ever evevevevevevevevrrrrrrrrrrrrrr do or say anything like this. Evil. And YOU apologized?!
What you experienced was a very normal reaction to a very frightening situation. Your bf is beyond evil.
You leave him and get therapy. NTA
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u/Agreeable-animal 5d ago
NTA and he’s purposely triggering you. He is abusive and you need to make a plan to get out
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u/LorenzoStomp 5d ago
If your BF really thinks you cheated, why is he still with you? Shouldn't he have dumped you for being a dirty little cheater? But he didn't, because he knows what happened to you wasn't cheating and wasn't your fault, but he's an abusive piece of shit and he's overjoyed to have something to hurt you with. Why else would he go to the trouble of learning a phrase he knew would upset you in a language he doesn't speak? Dude's really putting the work in to try to hurt you as much as possible. He does not love you and he does not respect you. You need to leave him, because that is not going to change and it will get worse. Any nice thing he ever does for you, any apology, any claim that he cares or that you are hurting him by leaving is only a trick to get you to stick around so he can hurt you more. Leave.
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u/Significant_Planter 5d ago
NTA and you just realized your boyfriend is a piece of trash that blames you for sexual assault! Dump him! I'm sorry but would he be jealous if it was a dude that did it to you? Would it still count is cheating and sex?
This man is a piece of trash on a whole new level of low and this is Reddit! Please get yourself a therapist and get away from this guy! He's going to make your recovery and healing so much worse!
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u/Mama_Trash_bat 5d ago
Leave him, this person is a narcissist and doesn't care about your feelings.
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u/BendersDafodil 5d ago
Just because an abuser is complimenting you with sweet nothings, doesn't mean it's okay for them to do things against your will.
For example, if I held you at knife-point and said "...you have the prettiest eyes and face I've ever seen. But you better give me all your money, wallet and purse, or I'll cut you will be injured!". That doesn't excuse the robbery, however complimentary I am, right?
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u/Sure-Ingenuity6714 5d ago
You need to leave this absolute idiot of a person right now, they sound like a scumbag!! Using the words of your abuser against you is one of the sickest things I have ever heard!!
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u/Geebuster 5d ago
NTA. So sorry to hear about what you went through.
As far as your boyfriend goes, leave that trash. I couldn't imagine doing those things to my partner if she told me she was SA'd. Absolutely disgusting.
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u/ProblemWithMyBrain 5d ago
NTA, you need to get out of this relationship asap.
It’s crazy that people on Reddit say “Reddit always say break up” but like literally look at this, this boyfriend is one of the most disgusting human beings to ever exist, repeating what your SA said.
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u/davidcornz 5d ago
It's cause he doesn't believe you were raped. Like I'm not trying to sound like I'm blaming you. You were raped she had a knife.
But Like your story also doesnt give us any Context as to why you were in bed with her did he have concerns about her. Did she ever show interest in you and your boyfriend knew about it.
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u/Expert_Holiday_6412 5d ago
Did you never go to the police and report what happened to you. It’s a crime, but if you didn’t I think your boyfriend believes it was you being forced to cheat because you didn’t get the person arrested for what happened.
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u/Glum-Environment-240 5d ago
First, sorry this happened to you. That must have been and still is a terrible thing to happen to you. If it brings you comfort, please make a report. Second, it sounds like you have ptsd which is very understandable after these situations. EMDR helped me a lot but it can be very hard and you need a solid support system, which your boyfriend doesn't sound like. Your boyfriend probably doesn't see it as assault/rape since it was woman to woman but it was rape and it wasn't your fault. You are not to blame here and if ye doesn't see it that way, please leave him. He can't deal with it and will not take away your feeling of doing something wrong. Again you DIDN'T do anything wrong.
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u/PuffinScores 5d ago
You think you may be TA? Girl, open your eyes. You are NTA and you need to exit this relationship because you might not be safe.
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u/Future-Engineering68 5d ago
alot of people don't now how to deal with trauma, let alone another person's trauma so it's a difficult situation, some people lack empathy and awareness, you said you never contacted the friend again but did you file a report with th police or even attempt to have the person who violated you arrested? Those things may play a part in the reason he would feel "betrayed" not that his reactions or actions are justified and like any partner he would shut down, just my thoughts
I hope you get the help and environment needed to heal and move on from your experience
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u/Dast1982 5d ago
Did you report this? To police? Cuz if you didnt any one with a knife can get your concent, srry to be abrupt; but i dont get it if you didnt.
I think his behaviour comes from this, you cant get the victim treat if you are not one.
As far as he knows the knife thing could have been made up. Srry for not pating you
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u/Pendurag 5d ago
You were assaulted, go press charges. Your BF isn't supporting you, and is holding it against you, he has a lot of growing up to do. Talk to a professional, this is some serious trauma that could follow you through the rest of your life. Take care of yourself, I'm sorry you've had to deal with the assault, and an asshat BF.
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u/Azurescensz 5d ago
LEAVE HIS ASS OMG! Holy fuck? What kind of person reacts that way to being SA’d? You are absolutely not to blame.
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u/Dat1payne 5d ago
I know everyone on Reddit jumps on the leave him train but girl, seriously. Leave him!!!!! Take care of yourself. Please, from one victim of SA to another, it does not go away if you ignore it. Please find someone you can talk to, a best friend, your mom, a therapist something and try to find some comfort. Your boyfriend should have comforted you. He won't get better with time either. When someone shows you who they are, believe them! He has shown you he cares about about himself and his biased views more than an actual human who was ASSAULTED. WTF
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u/Loud_Duck6726 5d ago
NTA... you are in an abusive relationship with your boyfriend. You were SA and deserve nothing but kindness and support. Please get rid of him and get counceling ASAP
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u/TheAlienatedPenguin 5d ago
OP, you deserve a partner who is compassionate, who loves and respects you. Absolutely NOBODY asks to be sexually assaulted. Not a single person can tell you how they will react, they might think they know, but they don’t. I’m sure you have heard of “fight or flight” well freeze is right up there as well. Think of the scared rabbit, a lot of times they just freeze in place, too terrified to do anything. It is a normal response. Then there was the knife, you had no idea of it was going to be used or not! Honey, you were absolutely terrified! On top of experiencing this, you return to your partner, who you love and trust, and tell him what happened. Just wanting him to home you and love you and feel protected. Instead you get a jealous insecure asshole. On top of it, he won’t let it go! You are in the midst of receiving psychological warfare! You do not deserve this. Absolutely NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. I don’t give a flying fuck if he is mad, he’s mad at the wrong person! You did not ask for this or cause this! You deserve better
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u/Jumpy_Onion_6367 5d ago
He doesn't believe you at all. He truly believes you cheated and has lost all faith and trust in you. It's best to end it cause the only thing to do would be press charges.
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u/Content_Flamingo7285 4d ago
dumb his ass and get some help for yourself. i’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/LSekhmet 4d ago
You are definitely NTA. Your boyfriend is. Your former friend also is. Dump your BF and see if you can find a counselor to help you process the sexual assault you endured from your ex-friend. (That your BF can't see this was a SA is absolutely horrifying. Dump him.)
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u/yeahegg1 4d ago
Your "boyfriend" is a terrible, insecure person who can not comprehend that sexual assault is real. Break up with him immediately, report the assault and get a restraining order for your assaulter, and get help ASAP.
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u/DrakenMaul 4d ago
He is acting like he was a victim of cheating when you were assaulted. Do you NEED more information than that to leave him. Please do your self a favor and leave him and possibly find someone to talk to about your trauma
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u/Melekai_17 4d ago
What in the world is wrong with your boyfriend? Please dump him now so he cannot continue to traumatize you further and get into therapy. What happened to you was in no way your fault. You are NTA. Also consider reporting the woman to the police.
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u/SlimegirlMcDouble 4d ago
There's no grey area with a whole ass KNIFE involved! Even with the amount people don't take SA seriously in the world, I think it would be extremely hard to find someone anywhere who agrees with this man. What a horrifyingly grotesque excuse for a person he is.
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u/Random_Reader_83 3d ago
OMG, GET OUT OF THERE ASAP.
He's not believing you, he's underestimating your trauma, and he's being PURPOSEFULLY cruel.
End it for your own mental sanity and wellbeing.
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u/Zestyclose_Lake_4288 3d ago
Why didn't you pepper spray her? You should carry pepper spray if you don't, can't trust anyone ever
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u/P0snevermore 1d ago
I don't like to throw the common reddit answer of leave or dump him but yeah this guy is s disgusting pig and you need to leave him immediately. Please seek professional help. You did nothing wrong
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u/Elly_Fant628 5d ago
Please please leave him. Give yourself time to heal, have some fun, and you'll find somebody better...it won't be difficult. THIS IS ALL ABUSE!!! Also he's demonstrating a horrible mind set. If you stay this will go on forever. He will get worse. I can't stop thinking "What if he forces her into a threesome with her abuser"....because he's definitely that nasty.
He's destroying you mentally and psychologically and he's showing he'll go to any lengths to hurt you. You didn't enjoy the attack, you didn't want it,byou didn't cheat. If you can, get therapy from a counsellor who specialises in SA, but who can help you in other areas.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but now you can and will save yourself
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u/grouchykitten1517 5d ago
Your bf is emotionally abusive and kind of an evil pos I don't know why the hell you would still be with someone who uses your SA to shut you up.
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u/az-anime-fan 5d ago
NTA
First of all your BF is a selfish self centered prick. Time to move on, you don't need someone in your life who is telling you what you're feeling isn't what your feeling.
- the problem I had from my SA was that I got aroused against my will by the assault. this fucks with your mind in ways you're only starting to experience. You will need to see a psych doc to get past the feelings of guilt and shame you're going through. furthermore Please report her assault. My mother did not report the female perpetrator who assaulted me; and I know no one takes female sexual predators seriously, but the knife makes what she did a felony even if they don't believe the SA accusation, and even if nothing comes of it, at least there is a police report on the books about her behavior so that next time perhaps the victim will be taken seriously.
I don't know what else to tell you, only don't do what i did. and ignore it for 30 years and let it fuck with my life in ways i'm still uncovering.
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u/Kitchoua 5d ago
I'm sorry, I couldn't even read it till the end, didn't need it. He's garbage, and you should NOT have apologized for "insulting him".
You didn't "let it happen", you tried to survive. Its not always about making decisions, sometimes your body reacts on its own and this time it decided that the best course of action was not to provoke the person wielding a KNIFE. You did what you had to do. You got raped and he belittles you for it, it's inexcusable, irredeemable.
Go back to him, take your apology back and walk away from this. You need to process being a rape victim and being mocked for it is NOT going to help long term. It's so ridiculous it stinks of ragebait, but in case anyone real needs to read this: if your instinct tells you you got raped, maybe you were. Don't let someone else dismiss it.
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u/Tiamat_fire_and_ice 5d ago
Your boyfriend mimicking the things that woman said while she was assaulting you is one of the grossest things I’ve ever heard in my life — and I’ve heard a lot.
He’s mistreating you and you need to dump him. That’s number one. Who cares if he’s “mad”? He’s trash.
Secondly, get some professional help to help you deal with your trauma. You don’t want to have nightmares for the rest of your life. You deserve a better life than that.
Lastly, I think you should file a police report against that woman. She assaulted you and held a knife to you. She might do that to someone else. Putting a stop to her behavior might also bring you some closure and peace.