r/AITAH • u/Sea-Yam8314 • 2d ago
AITAH for not helping my husband with his children more
When my husband (35m) and I (30F) met he insisted that he was not looking for a mother for his children. He said his kids have two parents, and he’d only want someone who can be a positive role model to his kids, who would treat them well. I never wanted children of my own, but I like children, so I agreed.
We dated, got married, and I let them move into the home I own outright. We have been married for the last two years. My husbands ex wife has had two additional children since we got together, and she hasn’t really been a great mother to their shared children. My husband and his ex wife have three children together.
I work a lot, and in my spare time I like to go to the gym or hang out with my friends. My husband has been complaining lately that I don’t watch his kids for him often enough so he can have some free time too. His ex wife has given him almost full custody because she’s too busy with her new babies.
He also wants me to start cooking for the kids and not just myself, and doing their laundry, driving them to school, etc. This is all kind of coming out of left field for me. I’m not allowed to discipline the kids at all, and he made it clear when we got together that I was not to be a mother figure in anyway. I already let them live in my house for free, saving my husband roughly 24k a year that he was paying in rent before. So not only does he want me to provide financially but also do the sucky parts of parenting, with no reward?
We have a strong prenup and I’m honestly considering using that.
1.1k
u/Cursd818 2d ago
NTA
Remind him that he told you he wasn't looking for another mother for his children, and you have no interest in being their maid. He can use some of the 24k he is saving to pay for childcare if he wants some free time, or he can leave. Those are his only options here. If he keeps making digs and trying to force you to sacrifice your time off so he can have some for free, then remove the first option and just tell him to leave.
592
u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 2d ago
But have this conversation away from home or when the kids are gone. They don't need to hear it; they've been through enough.
→ More replies (1)149
u/TootsNYC 2d ago
yeah, I feel bad for those kids.
→ More replies (2)67
u/BuddyPalFriendChap 2d ago
They seem to have a mediocre father and an absentee mother. Poor kids.
18
u/TootsNYC 2d ago
Nobody wants them around. Mom sent them away; Dad wants free time from them; dad’s wife doesn’t want the burden.
→ More replies (9)34
650
u/churchofdan 2d ago
He's going back on his word because his situation has changed and he's a little too comfortable in your house. Just remind him what you did and did not sign up for and if that's now a dealbreaker, he knows where the door is.
73
u/wander-to-wonder 2d ago
I think it’s crazy they don’t have something set up where he is contributing monthly to ‘rent’. Whether that is mortgage, house up keep, house emergencies.
→ More replies (4)40
1.3k
u/SeaworthinessDue8650 2d ago
Use the pre-nup. His ex has her do over kids and now he wants you to pick up her slack.
Let him figure everything out on his own.
→ More replies (8)374
u/LindaBelchersPickle 2d ago
He probably already has another victim on the back burner he can go and cry to. He seems the type to do whatever he needs to avoid what he doesn’t want to do. My guess is she’s someone he works with and is in her early 20s.
104
u/MeasurementNatural95 2d ago
That was my thought exactly. He will be looking for some strange because wifey is so mean to him.
→ More replies (10)68
308
u/MyToothEnts 2d ago
NOPE he doesn’t get a free babysitter. If you’re not an authority figure, you’re not going to be their maid. NTA.
→ More replies (53)
517
u/tonyrains80 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA. You need to remind him that they are HIS kids not yours. This is a common theme with men who have children and get remarried. Many of them are LOOKING for a stand-in mom because they don't want to put in the hours it takes to raise their own kids.
Don't fall for this. Tell him that he said he's not looking for a mother for his children. He can go hire a nanny, cook, and a maid with the money he's saving by living in your house to do the work he's asking you to do for HIS kids.
Edit: Men AND women will sometimes look for a spouse they can get to take care of children, provide money so they don't have to work, etc.
147
u/OneLessDay517 2d ago edited 2d ago
Lots of men are like this at many stages of life. Some men want a sugar momma, some men with kids need a maid/babysitter, lifelong bachelors need a hospice wife when their health starts failing..... it's all about how a woman can be useful to them.
Edited to add: women do this too, absolutely! I just speak from my experience as a woman whose long ago ex needed a hospice wife and thought I was still as stupid as I was at 20!
34
u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
My mom is at a retirement home and says every old man is looking for a nurse or a purse.
10
→ More replies (25)8
u/BojackTrashMan 2d ago
Saving 24,000 a year suddenly and not using any of it to provide yourself with child care for some time off is absolutely crazy!
She married him based on the expectations he put forth and even within that she's being so financially generous that he should easily be able to hire some help with savings that massive.
She said apparently he's deeply irresponsible with money as well! I don't know who this man pretended to be or what he actually brought to the table other than nice feelings, but it sounds like he's a complete loser and I'm glad she said she's got a strong prenup. Sounds like she's going to need it.
I feel bad for the kids. Not because of the way she is behaving but because they have two parents who don't want to bother parenting them.
→ More replies (1)
173
u/LouisianaGothic 2d ago edited 2d ago
His ex wife has given him almost full custody because she’s too busy with her new babies.
Supporting your partner to raise kids is one thing, picking up the slack for a deadbeat is another. Is this custody arrangement formal? If yes, is your husband claiming child support which he can use towards childcare so that he can have his free time? He can't on one hand state you are not a parent figure and not allowed to discipline his children and then on the other expect you to take up all these roles (meal times and pick-ups) which at the best of times requires a firm hand. This would only foster an environment where you are a maid to these children.
EDIT: Forgot to add NTA
42
u/Hour_Exit_2914 2d ago
Yes, if his ex is offloading almost all the custody on him, then she should also be responsible for child support. Which could also go into paying for housekeeping or childcare costs.
→ More replies (1)8
210
u/kmflushing 2d ago
What does he say when you remind him of your prior agreements involving the kids?
→ More replies (1)390
u/Sea-Yam8314 2d ago
He said things have changed, and he thought I would become more maternal over time. He didn’t think that our agreement would last for forever.
590
u/gameboy330 2d ago
So he basically was lying 🤥 he was always planning on making you a second class step parents who has to take care of the kids but you can't discipline them and they won't respect your authority.
114
u/Sharp_Replacement789 2d ago
Yeah, he has shown himself to be a liar. Take that information as you will.
40
177
u/kmflushing 2d ago
Second class step parent exactly. All the work, sacrifices and responsibilities with none of the rewards or recognition.
→ More replies (2)33
u/Marie1420 2d ago
second class step parent.
You’d think there’d be a term for this, much like there’s the term bang maid when it entails chores.
32
12
148
94
u/henchwench89 2d ago
Yeay he always planned for you to take on mother duties. He lied to keep you around
84
u/Demanda_22 2d ago
And there it is. He’s outright admitting that he lied to you when the two of you set expectations for the marriage. In what other ways might be be manipulating you?
→ More replies (1)72
u/UnusualPotato1515 2d ago
The audacity! Men like him are always looking you for free maid & nanny to their kids. That was always his plan!
Kick his entitled ass out & dont fall for any guilt-tripping because his kids have two living parents.
68
u/AgonistPhD 2d ago
So he locked you down under fraudulent premises. I'd bail, honestly. Throw the hobosexual and his kids out.
53
80
u/kmflushing 2d ago
Things have changed... For him. Not necessarily for you. I think you need to decide exactly what you want,what you're willing to give, what you want in return and let him know. Then discuss where to go from there.
But no, you'll not going to suddenly "step up" just because he wants your help and decided to change his own rules.
43
u/BlackNighon 2d ago
So he’s a liar. Thats what it comes down to. A liar, bad with money and lazy.
You enforce that pre-up NOW, OP.
105
u/Corfiz74 2d ago
"So you openly admit to manipulating me into marriage with a false agreement you had no intention of sticking to? Wow, when you take the mask off, you really DO take the mask off."
I don't really agree with the majority of folks here who immediately tell you to throw the whole man and his spawn out, and blame you for getting married in the first place - as if a whole relationship and person can be reduced to the 3 aspects you want to complain about in a reddit post. That's toxic reddit for you.
But the fact that he doesn't want to give you any real authority over the kids/ involve you in decisions, but just expects you to do the dirty work, is pretty mind-boggling. Like, either you are a full stepmom with rights and responsibilities, or you aren't - but not this mix in between that gives him full authority, but keeps you around for the menial labor. Those are HIS kids and HIS responsibility - and you are really kind and gracious for letting them live rent-free with you, he should already be happy about that. I'd make that very clear to him - and if he continues to complain and whine and be resentful, he can just go get his own place again and do everything on his own.
→ More replies (2)26
22
u/Sauce_Addict85 2d ago
So he lied to you, expecting you to change from the beginning. And now indirectly making it about you not being maternal
25
u/Open-Bath-7654 2d ago
Bingo. He didn’t ever mean it. He told you what you wanted to hear and assumed you’d change your mind and be cornered. You’re not cornered, and this isn’t going to get better. Ever. Time to activate that prenup and kick all 4 of them out of your house. Imagine how much easier, more peaceful, and more fun your life will be without all of this.
37
u/rowsella 2d ago
I would insist the children's mother take her children 50% of the time and he insist she coparent with him. That lightens his load. They have a mother. He lied to you and honestly, that could be a dealbreaker. I guess living in close quarters with his children did not endear you to the idea of being mother. Your house, your rules.
20
u/Falafel80 2d ago
She also mentioned in another comment that the mother is a stay at home mom. It’s all the more reason to insist on shared custody since she isn’t giving him financial help to raise the children alone.
20
u/Egal89 2d ago
So he was kinda trying to child-trap you with his kids. Gosh I hate it when people like him don’t take other peoples choices serious. So he wants to change you. You should consider to tell him, that you won’t change your mind and that he needs to find someone else to mother him and his children.
19
u/Avebury1 2d ago
OP to husband. I told you that I didn’t want to be a parent. It is not my fault that you assumed that I would change my mind. It is your fault that you lied to me and now expect me to step up and be your free nanny. It is clear now that we have different expectations in life and are no longer compatible. It is time for you to start looking for somewhere else to live and we go out separate ways.
15
17
u/Fast_Register_9480 2d ago
And now he wants free time so he wants you to give up your free time? Out of curiosity is he trying to be equitable where he gets some free time back but you still have a good chunk of free time, or does he just expect you to sacrifice the majority of your free time so that he can have as much free time as he wants?
15
u/Internal-Student-997 2d ago
There it is. He trapped you. He literally just admitted it. He had no intention of parenting his own children. He just thought you'd cave and take on his responsibilities for him eventually.
You know - like a good woman is sUpPoSeD tO do.
12
u/Fuzzysocks1000 2d ago
So he was pulling a bait and switch. He's an idiot and you are smart for not falling for his BS.
12
u/Low_Monitor5455 2d ago
OOOOHHHHH. So he lied. Have you read up on the term bang maid yet? This is your life. Your ONLY life. He doesn't sound great....he doesn't sound like much of anything. He could have used this opportunity (you) and strived for more. Instead he is happy to do less, be less, accomplish even less. Pretend you like you A LOT. Pretend you are your friend and you care about that life. What would you tell a friend you care for to do?
11
u/MyRedditUserName428 2d ago
So he admits that he lied and tried to manipulate you into becoming his bang-nanny?
10
9
9
u/6bubbles 2d ago
Gross. Thats deal breaker stuff right there. He was hoping to manipulate you into being mommy. Does he… add anything to your life? Cause id want my house and space back at this point.
8
u/Seraphinx 2d ago
Ooooh boy. He had no intention of keeping that agreement after marriage, and he's annoyed you're not falling into the role like he assumed you would. He'll get resentful and probably cheat to get back at you, because that's what pathetic powerless men do when they can't control their women.
→ More replies (46)19
177
u/Broutythecat 2d ago
Narrator: he was, in fact, looking for a free nanny for his children.
→ More replies (1)
55
u/Nomoreroom4plants84 2d ago
NTA Expecting you to watch kids that you aren’t even “allowed” to discipline? That don’t even make sense. Tell him to go shit in his hands and clap.
93
u/KnightofForestsWild 2d ago
NTA "You said yourself that I am not their parent. Now you want to task me with all the responsibilities of a parent without the authority of one. Screw that, buddy boy. Not happening in this universe."
→ More replies (1)12
u/Few_Address3591 2d ago
"Now you want to task me with responsibilities of a parent without the authority of one" - very well said.
85
u/ServiceGreen4507 2d ago
So he’s broke, and wants to pawn off his 3 kids so he can do jack shit. If you help he will put it all on you. He will go out all the time while you mother his kids with some hag who can’t be bothered to raise her own kids. Run to an attorney’s office, and say goodbye to him and his kids.
25
u/Fit-Particular-2882 2d ago
DO NOT GET PREGNANT! If he sees you trying to leave he’s going to get romantic and then you’re going to get the inevitable Murphy pregnancy and be stuck like Chuck.
We can all universally agree that being Chuck sucks!
→ More replies (1)
90
u/lovebeinganasshole 2d ago
So when the ex gave up most of her custody isn’t she now paying more in child support? And if so can’t he hire a nanny?
And no he did not think you would become more motherly, he didn’t count on the ex flaking.
Without all of the kid stuff what is your marriage like?
90
u/Sea-Yam8314 2d ago
She’s a SAHM. She has no income. Her and her boyfriend aren’t married. He gets almost no child support. He makes 30k a year, he definitely can’t afford a nanny.
146
u/TeenaF 2d ago
The Ex is still financially responsible to pay child support even if she isn’t working. In Florida the courts automatically calculate minimum wage (more if non working parent has a degree/skill) and she would be responsible for paying it regardless. He should look into it.
→ More replies (4)30
u/Affectionate_Care938 2d ago
Yes, that is how it works. But a SAHM would probably end up paying about $150 a month. It would vary, but almost certainly wouldn't cover a nanny.
→ More replies (4)34
u/TeenaF 2d ago
No but it would force her to get a job (making more than minimum wage) and then he would need to request a “Review “ with CS. They would grant it b/c its considered a substantial change. Her financial obligation would increase OR she would decide to start parenting more to avoid paying CS. Either way would help the fathers end.
→ More replies (1)15
u/Affectionate_Care938 2d ago
I doubt it would force her to work. She has other children that she is staying home with. But yeah, it would make sense for her to keep them more. I just know someone who pays CS as a SAHM and I know it's not a lot. They calculate an SAHP's income as if they were making minimum wage.
13
u/TeenaF 2d ago
I’ve witnessed a few similar situations and the SAHM’s partner/bf/spouse’s became resentful that they had to pay the CS. So the SAHM was told to go to work or take their kids more. One of the SAHM’s ended up working full time b/c childcare wasn’t needed (kids were older) and her CS was increased since she made a lot more than minimum wage. Had she just been a more involved parent she probably still would have been a SAHM. The other 2 situations got state paid childcare contingent on them working full time or enrolled in school/technical school. They both worked full time and also got their CS increased from the original minimum wage calculations.
63
u/Unicorns-Poo-Rainbow 2d ago
Legitimate question: how did he live on $30k/year while paying $24k/year in rent?
→ More replies (4)14
23
10
→ More replies (10)11
u/NaturesVividPictures 2d ago
He makes $30,000 a year and gets no child support pretty much? Wow he must have thought he hit the lottery when he met you and married you.
49
u/SilentInstance682 2d ago
NtA just get a divorce nobody should be force to save a marriage to take care of kids that are not even there
66
u/Charming-Vacation-26 2d ago
"he insisted that he was not looking for a mother for his children" Fool me once, shame on you.
"He said his kids have two parents, and he’d only want someone who can be a positive role model" Fool me twice, shame on me.
"My husband has been complaining lately that I don’t watch his kids " He broke your original deal.
"He also wants me to start cooking for the kids and not just myself, and doing their laundry, driving them to school, " Hmmmmmmmm.
It sounds like the Fat Lady is Singing and Elvis has left the building on this relationship.
I imagine the bed room has gotten a little chilly as well.
Good luck , we all deserve to be happy.
43
u/2_old_for_this_spit 2d ago
NTA
He doesn't want a wife. He wants a bang maid/nanny. Start by going over his finances. He needs to arrange childcare, and you should be getting something toward rent. Remind him that you're not the babysitter and responsibility for the kids is up to their parents, not you.
You are housing a grown man rent-free. He's now demanding that you take full responsibility from the day-to-day needs of his children. You're working long hours to support yourself and provide for your future. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
→ More replies (2)
40
u/Putasonder 2d ago
35, 3 kids, poorly compensated, bad with money, expects you to do the cooking…
He must be shockingly attractive.
→ More replies (5)12
51
u/Im_JavaLuv_2008 2d ago
NTAH. He clearly stated that you would not be a substitute mother for his children. He does not want you to have a say in their upbringing, while expecting you to treat them like your own. Your husband is delusional! Let him be entirely responsible for his children‘s care. He made it plain that they were HIS children, not yours. Let him deal with them!
53
u/yourshaddow3 2d ago
NTA. I bet your husband, and anyone voting YTA, is also the kind of man who demands paternity tests at birth because a man would be traumatized by raising another man's child.
But it's always expected of women.
→ More replies (3)
33
u/SweetBekki 2d ago
NTA - So your husband lives with you rent free and wants you to give up YOUR free time to not discipline his kids while watching them so that he can relax? I think your husband's perception of role model and mother figure is very blurred. He basically wants you to do everything a mother figure does but without the title and discipline. He can't have it all. He's made it very clear that he's the only parent in your household so he doesn't get to pick and choose. Tell him to get the f**k out of here and raise his own damn kids.. the audacity🙄 Ask him to read the comments.
Please let us know the outcome
16
u/FoggyDaze415 2d ago
NTA. He wants you to do the parenting work but not actually discipline? Use the prenup and get out.
Also usually when a man who says I'm not looking for a mother for my kids what they are saying is "I want a nanny I can fuck"
14
u/ActuaryAmbitious9341 2d ago
He doesn't want you to do motherly things, but wants you to do motherly things. Is he not listening to himself?
29
35
u/CrankyNurse68 2d ago
No he’s not looking for a mother he’s looking for a maid and nanny
→ More replies (1)21
10
u/SarahIsJustHere 2d ago edited 2d ago
As for him asking you to take on all parental tasks but not have any parental authority... that is just absurd and he's an idiot.
As for the two of you... are you both really so naive to think that you could have a child-free relationship when he isn't child-free?
How do people, who don't want anything to do with kids, justify getting into a relationship with a person who has kids? Like... they have kids. Eighteen years is a long time. You're gonna hafta take on parental responsibilities. Period. Especially if they're in your home. You really only cook for yourself?
You should definitely divorce, idk why you two agreed to this nonsense, unachievable arrangement in the first place.
→ More replies (3)
11
u/Sammakko660 2d ago
NTA - tell him that it is an all or nothing. If you are expected to parent in the sense of doing all the chores (by the way IMO, they should be doing age appropriate chores) then you get to discipline too. You are not taking over the role as mother, but stepmothers do often get more of a say that a "role model"
27
u/HeartAccording5241 2d ago
Tell him his kids got 2 parents and you are a good role model by working he can take care of his own kids
20
u/Carolinamama2015 2d ago
When you say considering using the pre-nup, does that mean you are thinking about divorce? NTA either way, he made it clear you were not their mother but wants you to do all the motherly duties because his ex isn't being the mother she could be.
It's definitely not your job to let your husband off the hook, so to speak, when it comes to parenting
22
u/Dazzling_Ad_2518 2d ago
I admire your lust for punishment. And I can't with these men that are quick to set boundaries and conditions, but when the going gets tough, they turn back to you for help. Kick them out or tell him to get a babysitter.
9
9
10
u/cameltoebikini 2d ago
You said he only makes $30k a year, and that if he and his kids weren’t living with you, he would’ve paid $24k in rent. I would assume the $6k left over would’ve gone to energy, utilities, food, and transportation ($500/month).
You also said the ex-wife is a stay at home mom, therefore has no money to pay child support for those three kids. The ex has two more kids with her current bf and dumped the first three on your husband.
HOW DO YOU CARE FOR A FAMILY OF 5 ON NEGATIVE DOLLARS???
If you’re not making this story up, he’s clearly using you for a place to stay rent.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Mother-Rule-3825 2d ago
Single men with children usually have an easier time dating because typically they are not the primary caregiver, and it seems he used this to his advantage while courting you to sell you the fantasy. But I caution ANYONE who is dating a single/divorced parent who is not the primary caregiver to be honest with themselves about could you handle being a full time step parent is your spouse’s situation changes. If your answer is no that don’t make you an AS that’s just make y’all incompatible.
NTA
9
u/Amazing-Wave4704 2d ago
So... not the stepmom. just the maid. breadwinner. chef.
use that prenup NOW.
29
u/scienceislice 2d ago
The reality of marrying a man with kids especially 3 kids is that you are going to end up doing some work; even if neither of you thought it would be that way. He probably thought his ex would continue to parent them but now she isn’t and he probably feels like he’s drowning and wants some help from his partner. If you aren’t allowed to discipline them then you absolutely should not lift a finger to help any of them, because that’s also a recipe for disaster.
I personally wouldn’t jump to a prenup but you do need to have a come to Jesus talk with him - the circumstances with his ex have changed. Tell him that he needs to get his finances in order and hire a babysitter/nanny for extra help. He’s saving a boat load of money in rent by living with you, I’d remind him of that.
→ More replies (9)9
u/Friendly-user97 2d ago
I mean he is a father! How do single mother do it alone?
It’s not like he is a kid.
→ More replies (12)
17
u/Mathkavky 2d ago
When my ex and I remarried (was 37 and my ex was 46) we allowed each others spouses to parent and discipline the children. My husband (who was childless) is allowed to discipline them. He deserves the right to do so in our home as does the kids’ stepmother. This was something I felt was part of the marriage since I wasn’t always going to be home when he was. He should be allowed to live comfortably in our home (which was mine and the kids for 9 years before we married and he moved in) and make decisions for the minors in his care. I don’t care if they call him “dad” or their stepmom, “mom”. We’re a team in this now and that’s what counts. My ex and I had a horrible end to our marriage, but it isn’t about us and we worked on getting along for the kids sake. It helped me to set boundaries for myself and work through my resentment and anger toward him. It helps that his wife is fantastic and a great mother (so I told him not to mess it up). But really, why did he set those boundaries in the beginning? In your home too? Might as well pretend the non-parental spouse is a side piece if they can’t help to raise the kids to be good adults. Why marry someone then if they can only be the “fun” in the kids’ lives? I think your husband was completely unrealistic and should rethink the long term if he can’t handle it now. And you are NTA as he set the terms and you openly stated your desire to not be a parent. This is so frustrating to read about when the bio-parent changes their mind when it’s not working the way they ideally thought it would in their mind.
6
u/GladysSchwartz23 2d ago
Congratulations! You married into a job: unpaid nanny.
(I would ditch this fool if I were you.)
8
u/corrygan 2d ago
NTA. I'd meet him with " you said that your kids have 2 parents". And, no matter how much I loved those kids, that would be the hill I'd die on.
This is about him not wanting more responsibility. What would happen if he was a single parent? What would happen if he had to pay the rent somewhere and provide for 3 kids?
As far as I could understand, he'd want you to do the hard and heavy tasks, but you can't discipline the kids, teach them or act in a parental role, in any way. Honestly, think about yourself and your wants and needs.
13
u/Friendly-user97 2d ago
NTA
You communicated with him. You both agreed you would not be a mother/nanny. You already are helping him save 24k a year.
If he doesn’t respect your previous decision that you made together, then maybe you should divorce him.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/MentionGood1633 2d ago
Life is tricky and sometimes spouses do things they didn’t want to, but he wants you to do the work (laundry, cook) without any input (not allowed to discipline) so that he can have fun (free time).
I would try marriage counseling though first, but NTA.
5
u/Sea-Mud5386 2d ago
Oh boy, a hobosexual master class!
So this loser won't let you discipline the kids, but wants you to be their babysitter and maid, while he squats in your house and squanders his money? Gee dude, when you have three kids, you don't get the same kind of free time as someone you insisted would not be the mother of those kids.
This has train wreck written all over it. You need to go see a lawyer about how the prenup will play out, so you can pull the trigger the next time he decides to be a dick about this.
8
u/Adventurous_Tree3386 2d ago
NTA but you fell for his lies. Of course he just wanted extra support to raise his children since his wife doesn’t sound capable. You fell for it.
What does he actually bring to this relationship that is desirable? It sounds like he only brings extra costs, work, and stress.
7
u/NJ2CAthrowaway 2d ago
Remind him of that early conversation and HIS rules for you regarding his children and let him know he has two choices: 1. Parent his own damn children here with you, OR 2. Parent his own damn children somewhere else.
8
u/SufficientCow4380 2d ago
Honestly? I think it was unrealistic to marry a man with minor kids and expect not to have to do some parenting (cooking, transportation, etc.) Sure he talked a good game but that was because he wanted something. And you wanted what he was selling. Now that you know it's different, you need to decide. Accept the new role of stepmother, or divorce him. It sucks that he lies and his ex is a crappy mom but that's the way it is. I'm glad you got a prenup.
Eta: The bad with money thing is also a red flag. He's dropped his bills by $2000 a month by moving in and has nothing to show for it!
8
u/Dizzy_Eye5257 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA. I say this a divorced mom and as someone who would have taken on someone else’s children when I was younger…
Also, I would never expect/ask a partner to parent or care for my kid without a lengthy discussion and agreement and understanding.
He’s expecting all of this without a conversation first or a discussion? Lol, no. He expected you to change your mind, while he changed the dynamics. That’s not how this works.
I’m cool with adjusting things, but he’s their father and he needs to be doing this, or letting you step in as an equitable parent/partner.
He doesn’t get a maid out of this. He can employ a babysitter/nanny.
9
u/Tranqup 2d ago
NTA. Glad to hear you have a prenup, as it may come in handy. The agreement re child care, child rearing, etc. was set prior to the marriage. Now he wants to change the agreement. Those are his children, and he will just have to figure out a way to take care of the responsibilities associated with caring for them. If he wants to renegotiate the division of child care - he needs to discuss that with the actual mother of those three children, not you.
What if he was still unmarried at this point and living in his rental apartment/home? How would he manage the extra demands on his time? He would either have to adjust his work schedule so he could do the school drop offs, he'd have to do meal prep on the week-ends or otherwise learn quick and healthy dinner meals, he'd be helping the kids at night with their homework, doing laundry, etc. All the things I did as a single mom. He gets no sympathy from me. He can either figure it out and understand that his free time will be limited for several years, and be the best dad he can during that time. Or he can continue to whine about you not taking on the parenting role when you two previously agreed that you would not be doing so.
7
u/JinkieKittie 2d ago
NTAH 1. So he didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t interested and just assumed you’d eventually want to care for his kids 2. He and his children are living for free in your house - if anything, HE needs to be taking more housecare off of your plate to reciprocate this very generous stance on your part 3. You can’t discipline but you can take care of all theirs needs and they can treat you however they want until dad comes in to correct behavior? 4. The reasons that you wanted to marry him, are they still present? 5. I feel like he’ll use you until there’s nothing left and he’ll move on to leech from someone else. 6. ✨employ that prenup sooner than later✨💛
7
u/King-Red-Beard 2d ago
Your husband is an ass for not keeping his word and eventually pushing his children on you despite your agreement.
You're delusional for marrying a man with three kids, moving them all into your home, and expecting to take no responsibility for them.
14
u/slowjackal 2d ago
Yeah,he didn't lie technically.
He isn't looking for a mother per se. He just wants a free maid /nanny.
This isn't going to work in the long run.
I get that 3 children are exhausting for a working parent but he needs to figure this out with his ex,not you.
They can jointly contribute for a nanny and a professional helper to cook etc.
Either this or you walk away while it's still early for you to rebuild your life.
6
u/PurpleStar1965 2d ago
Eh, NTA
Tell him to hire a Nanny. Period. If you are “not allowed” to discipline the children there is no way you would be able to look after them even if you wanted.
But I think you were both unrealistic when you married a man with children. There is no way to live in a house with children and not be involved with them, not become a part of their lives. You can’t live in an impenetrable bubble with the kids outside of it. He can’t expect you to not correct the kids, especially if they are tearing up the house or hitting each other.
You two need to sit down and revisit boundaries and expectations regarding the children.
→ More replies (1)
5
6
6
u/bansdonothing69 2d ago
I’m going to give you the advice people give men when they make this same post, because for some reason no one is telling you. You are an absolute buffoon if you thought you could marry someone with kids, move those kids into your house, and then expect to not play a roll in parenting them. You should have seen this coming from miles away.
6
u/Medical_Sky_1072 2d ago
So he doesn't want you to be a mother for his kids he wants you to be their maid... I know that ultimatums are not good but I'd give him one; hire help with your money or use the prenup. You are getting literally nothing out of this relationship that I can see.
5
u/Babbott50-410 2d ago
Remind him he did not want you to be anything but a positive role model for his kids. You are not a nanny, maid or chauffeur and if he wants those jobs done then he needs to figure out how these things get done. You need to him that he lives in your house rent free so he should be able to get a nanny to help him or he can leave
5
u/doov1nator 2d ago edited 2d ago
The rest of this is no big deal, but if you're not allowed to discipline his kids, they shouldn't be allowed in your house. End of story.
7
u/Nice-Lock-6588 2d ago
If you do not want to care for his children, you should not. People do it, when they actually want. He saves money by not paying rent, but you are not kids mother, so it is up to him to deal with it.
8
7
u/Im_done_with_sergio 2d ago
He could always take the kids to their mother when he needs free time. NTA
5
u/_darksoul89 2d ago
Unless you're looking after literal babies, it is not fair nor actually possible to be expected to watch children without being allowed to discipline them. They basically know you have no authority over them. Plus, you made your terms clear from the beginning. NTA
6
u/Several-Network-3776 2d ago
I think you need to remind him of what you had agreed upon when you got together, and if he wants you to become an unpaid babysitter then he can get his own place and be a single father.
5
u/2015juniper 2d ago
Maybe he can get child support from his ex and then be able to hire a Nanny and help you out financially with wear and tear on your house. Or just divorce him
6
u/Ok_Friend9574 2d ago
He laid the ground rules for this, does he need reminding of them? If you could see in to the future that this situation (the him getting full custody and expecting you to step in the way he asked) would it have changed you decisions leading to the relationship or not? What are you willing to do for his kids?
Know the answers to these questions then sit him down and have an honest conversation with him and try and talk it out. He doesn't get to move goal posts without any discussions about it, mainly because you're not psychic to know his expectations have changed.
NTA
5
u/Prudent_Valuable603 2d ago
Sounds to me you need to go over the prenup details with him. He needs to understand he’s living rent free with you. He needs to understand he straight up told you he didn’t want you to mother his children. I don’t know if this relationship is worth saving, but it sounds to me like you need to tell him to go take a hike. You are young enough to find another person to have a serious and deep meaningful, respectful relationship that focuses on the both of you.
5
u/WnderWooman 2d ago edited 2d ago
Tale old as time. Woman/man doesn't want children. Was told by woman/man not to worry, they don't have to have any responsibilities.
Things change, death, abandonment, new family, etc. The only people who suffer here are the children getting tossed to and fro.
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE CHILDFREE SHOULD NOT DATE/MARRY WOMEN/MEN WHO HAVE CHILDREN!!!
Life happens. What did you expect?
EDIT: And that's why I'll NEVER date a man with children. Because I've never wanted children.
7
u/avatarjulius 2d ago
NTA
If he wants free time their mother cab watch them. Honestly time to cash-in the prenup. He clearly wants a another mother for his kids.
6
7
u/Sensitive_Method_898 2d ago
Nope. You don’t have to make it work. He reneged on the deal. Time to pull out the pre nuptial and give him 30/60 days to exit. “No one destroyed my quality of life but me. “ You looking back with regret on the past, decades from now ….unless you live life from your heart in the present and with no fear. Paraphrasing Eckhart Tolle
6
6
u/Huge-Shallot5297 2d ago
Nope.
You're not their parent, so you don't have to do parent-y things, and frankly why would you want to?
Either your husband uses some of the money you're saving him (and presumably not paying in child support if he has nearly 100% custody of them) to hire childcare help, or he ships them back to their mother's.
Or, easier than all of that, pull out that prenup and he can go back to $24K a year PLUS for rent.
5
u/Bad-Bot-Bot-23 2d ago edited 2d ago
NTA.
You gave your conditions. He's not respecting them. If he's not respecting the agreement, and you're not willing to change your terms, time to dissolve the agreement.
22
u/BaffledMum 2d ago
Mostly, I don't blame you. Except for the cooking for yourself and cooking nothing for other people in the house. That's kind of cold.
That being said, it does not sound as if you and your husband are compatible and you should probably call it quits.
→ More replies (9)
10
u/rcade2 2d ago
Both AH, or really, just naive.
You both should have known what happens. You don't marry someone with kids if you don't want kids. He shouldn't have married knowing you didn't want to deal with kids.
I mean, why did you let them move in? That was just dumb. There is no good way out, now.
5
u/tonttufi 2d ago
NTA
I guess he was just telling you anything in the beginning of the relationship. Not out of evil spirit. Just for not losing you. He might not know what he means when he says you won't be the mother.
You are a psychological parent anyway.
Not allowed to discipline? That's stupid. The live under your roof and eat your food.
5
u/caritovilla 2d ago edited 2d ago
The majority of your comments are that you do not need his money. Understood. And it would not have been an issue if he had left things as they were. However, he is now demanding a change in the relationship dynamics from you without any more contributions from him.
You are only 30 and have great things going for you. Don't understand why you would settled with a guy who does not contribute financially (you did not clarify yet what his financial contributions are considering there is one of you and four of them). There should be more expenses for electricity, water, etc. becuase there is one of you and four of them. Regardless, He should be paying for those in their entirity in lIeu of rent.
You have not clarified what chores he wants you to do. Cleaning Kitchen, bathrooms, kid's rooms, common areas, doing their laundry, the cooking, transportation, should be his responsibility because they are his kids. You are not their maternal figure at all and do not want to be in a position where you might feel disrespected and not being able to act.
It is not about the money and how you do not need it. A man is supposed to be the giver in a relationship(literally and/or figuratively) in order for us women to feel protected and safe. It is what we should be striving for. It does not mean we do not work or are not financially independent by the way. This guy is only taking.
OP, if he continues with his demands despites your many NOs, move on.
4
u/I_need_a_date_plz 2d ago
Sounds like you married a deadbeat that should have never moved into your home. What exactly does he foot financially? Does he even pay for the groceries for his kids?
4
u/Christinebitg 2d ago
In my first marriage, I had a step-daughter, and I went from 3rd grade into high school with that kid.
Unless you are given equal authority for discipline, do not allow yourself to become the maid, chauffeur, and chief go-fer.
And not just theoretically. You will know if you have that authority when your husband backs you up, instead of siding with one or more of his kids. I tolerated that BS, but you don't have to.
And just an oh-by-the-way, I got dumped after I put my ex through college.
My gut feeling is that your situation is not headed anywhere good.
4
u/Otherwise_Village_69 2d ago
You're not the a$$hole for not helping your husband more with his children, especially considering the agreement and understanding you had when you first got together. Here’s why:
When you and your husband started your relationship, he clearly stated that he wasn’t looking for a mother for his children, but rather a positive role model. You agreed to this because you like children but didn’t want to be a mother yourself. This mutual understanding was the foundation of your relationship and marriage.
Your husband’s current expectations for you to take on more parenting responsibilities, including cooking, laundry, and driving the kids to school, contradict the initial agreement. It's unfair for him to suddenly expect you to take on these additional roles and responsibilities, especially when you were not prepared for them.
You’ve already made significant contributions to the family by providing a home, which has saved him a substantial amount of money. Adding the duties of a parent without any prior discussion or agreement, while also being unable to discipline the children, puts you in an impossible position.
It’s understandable that your husband might feel overwhelmed with the increased responsibilities, especially with his ex-wife being less involved. However, this doesn’t mean it’s fair to shift those responsibilities onto you, especially without any prior agreement or discussion.
It might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your boundaries and the expectations within your relationship. It’s crucial to remind him of the initial agreement and express how the sudden changes are affecting you.
If he cannot understand your perspective and continues to push these responsibilities onto you, it may be worth considering the terms of your prenup and the future of your relationship. Ultimately, your well-being and happiness are important, and you should not be forced into a role you did not agree to or are comfortable with.
You are not the a$$hole for standing by the initial terms of your relationship and protecting your boundaries. It’s important to ensure that both partners are on the same page and respect each other’s roles and responsibilities within the relationship.
If all else fails then exercise the prenup..
→ More replies (1)
4
u/Misswinterseren 2d ago
The longer they’re living with you the more entitled they are going to be to your money and your time. I understand that you were clear when you came into this relationship, but those boundaries and the words that he said we’re not real. he does want a mom replacement he does want someone to take care of his children, financially emotionally, and physically. He wants you cooking and cleaning and watching the kids. Choose yourself. NTA
5
u/Djinn_42 2d ago
My husband has been complaining lately that I don’t watch his kids for him often enough so he can have some free time too
The very first time he said that I would have had a serious sit-down. I would have brought up how he made it very clear that he his children have 2 parents already, etc. and you agreed to marry him because that's how you wanted it also. If he wants to change that arrangement, he's on his own.
Assuming you did that at some point already and he's still complaining, I guess it might be time to use that pre-nup. Good luck! NTA
5
u/Suchafatfatcat 2d ago
NTA but naive. There really isn’t a path forward here because you (rightfully) don’t want to be a full time caretaker of children. Thank goodness you have that pre-nup.
5
u/imasitegazer 2d ago
NTA, if he wanted to he would and he even could, but instead he’s blowing that $24k while mooching off of you.
Sounds like he never addressed the reasons his first wife, which was probably part of why you have a prenup. Part of you saw the potential for this to happen.
You seem to be the only adult in the house.
4
u/Tangled_Up_In_Blue22 2d ago
NTA. He's living rent free in your house with his three kids and he now expects you to be the maid, the cook, and the nanny. I'm experiencing second-hand fury at his audacity. He pulled the ol' bait and switch on you, OP, to give himself a comfortable life.
Prenup time!
4
5
6
u/just2quirky 2d ago
If he basically has fully custody, he should be getting child support.
Personally, my rule is if I can't discipline the kids, then they're not allowed in my house. I pay half the mortgage so I get a say in what goes on in this house. If you don't trust me to discipline your kids (and I mean setting and enforcing rules, giving timeouts, grounding them - nothing corporal or unreasonable), then you don't trust me to be alone with them. It's all or nothing. I refuse to do chores or spend my free time being a babysitter for no pay. If he wants you to do parental roles (assuming you're okay with it), then you get ALL parental rights. Otherwise you're handcuffed - the kids won't listen or won't respect you because you can't do anything, only dad can. Why would you ever want to be in that position?!?
5.2k
u/throwawayindelulu 2d ago
Well, if he's saving money by living with you, he could hire a babysitter to help him.