UPDATE AITAH for ghosting my girlfriend after she nearly killed both of us?

[u/Few_Relative4595]

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dpz91n/aitah_for_ghosting_my_girlfriend_after_she_nearly/

So the past couple of hours have been insane, honestly. Before the actual update, I just wanted to sort some things out: * I've seen people talking about this post being rage bait or fake. Honestly, I wish it was, but I actually needed to hear some opinions on what happened. * Some people talked about me having anger issues: this is not true at all, I never snapped at her like this for tickling me (let along hitting her or anything like this), but in the rage of the moment, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I might consider myself to be a calm person, but that doesn't mean I will laugh and giggle through stupid stuff. * The actual crash happened at a speed that could've killed us if I swerved in the wrong direction (I was driving on a country road, and could've frontally hit a car coming from the other direction, as the speed at which the crash happened was around 40mph/65kmph) * The tickling part and childhood trauma: I've mentioned that to my (now) ex-girlfriend around 3 months into our relationship, but as many pointed the obvious, I wasn't dating the sharpest tool in the shed and it took me a while to realize it, so I guess I might be a bit dumb as well lol. * I think I might've misused the term "Ghosting". In my head, telling her to get out of my house was already a clear sign of our relationship status.

Now, to the actual update:

After reading nearly all the comments, I took the decision to send my ex a message where I told her we should meet face-to-face. Some people suggested that I should file for a lawsuit, but my ex is still in uni and her parents can barely afford helping her. She obviously has done an insanely dumb stunt, but I don't want to punish her parents for it. The car is in the process of getting fixed and I can afford it without major financial issues. Still, I took screenshots of her messages in order for me to have some proof in case the situation escalates.

So, we met earlier at a coffee shop. She looked as if she's been crying for a long time, but it didn't change my mind at all. What shocked me was the fact that she leaned in for a kiss when she saw me, as if nothing happened. I stopped her and told her that we need to have a serious conversation. I explained that what happened wasn't because of the car itself, but because of her disrespecting my boundaries and not thinking for a second about what might happen if she did that thing. Besides that, I also felt disrespected by the fact that her best friend came knocking at my door to demand things, despite not having any rights to do so, which led me to ask my ex if she told her best friend the truth or if she lied about the situation.

She said that she only told her friend that we had a small car crash and I'm pissed at her. Hearing that made me feel disappointed as hell, but I did my best to remain calm. I told her to tell the real story to her friends and family, and she raised her voice and told me that I'm accusing her of being a liar, something that led to a 15 minutes discussion about how the crash was solely her fault and how she put our lives at risk.

I asked her if everything's clear to her about our situation and her response was "Yep, 100%, can we go home now?". That honestly shocked me. I told her that there's no way we can be back together and I suggested she should be more careful and considerate with her future partner. Her reaction was all tears, shaking, begging me to reconsider my decision, but I just can't look at her the same. I explained again that for me it wasn't a small mistake she made, it was a full-on stupid decision that shouldn't be done by an adult, as it could've resulted in something deadly.

She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. I denied and told her that she's too selfish to even realise that she broke my trust and disrespects me by saying this crap.

I left the coffee shop feeling like I've been talking to a wall, but at least I can't say that I didn't try to have a conversation. An hour ago her mom texted me asking what happened and I told her everything. I said that I don't want any money from them, but the only thing I'm asking is for my ex to keep her distance from me. She apologized for what her daughter did and wished me all the best. As for her friend, from my understanding she just came to my house without talking with my ex on wether she should do it or not, so I guess she just tried to be the main character in this whole story.

Right now I'm preparing for work, but my chest isn't heavy anymore. In case anything will happen in the future, I'll keep everyone updated, but I hope it won't be the case lol.

Thank you for helping me navigate this weird situation and thanks for all the kind messages. Hope everyone stays safe!

Edit: Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected, but I came here with the desire to get some perspective on my situation and be as transparent as possible, I never intended to post this story for votes or anything like that.

[u/Ok-Reserve6251]

Even without the trauma, someone who tickles someone repeatedly despite being told not to is a massive asshole. A boundary is a boundary, regardless of the reasons for it, and someone who violates a boundary doesn’t get to ask their target to justify it.

[u/Svihelen → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

I mean my issue isn't even the tickling boundary per say.

It's the who the fuck tickles someone driving a car issue, ya know?

Thats like car safety 101, don't fuck with the driver.

[u/Ok-Reserve6251 → u/Svihelen]

No, ticking after someone has clearly told someone it isn’t welcome is a major asshole move. Doing it and causing an accident with it, then getting mad with “it’s just a car!” takes it to 11 and 12, respectively.

[u/Servo__ → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

Agreed. I have a similar sensitivity to tickling and tickling him in the car is egregious and beyond stupid, but OP would be justified even if she only did it while they were watching TV. I've had to set the same boundary before, and I've stopped seeing someone because they refused to respect it.

[u/Eolond → u/Servo__]

Exactly! Doing something to someone after they've told you that they dislike it is just you being an asshole. Even if said thing is "harmless" (a lot of people excuse tickling for some reason).

If someone says "I don't like when you do X to me," just...don't do X. Why so many seem to have issues with that concept is beyond me.

[u/TayaLyn → u/Servo__]

Seconded. My ex kept trying to gaslight me with the tickling saying “oh but you’re smiling” and completely ignoring that I was begging him to stop. Well he finally stopped after I kicked him in the balls twice. Anyone who refuses to listen to a request for no tickling is just an asshole not worth your time.

[u/Tiny-Werewolf1962 → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

No, tickling someone while driving is an asshole move even before being told "hey, don't do that again."

replace tickling with a flash bang. same thing. it's a dangerous AF thing to do in the first place, the first time.

[u/BojackTrashMan → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

I agree. I find it to be an enormous red flag when someone blatantly refuses to respect your consent regarding your own body when told over and over

Translated out, this could mean a few things:

"You don't like it and I don't care if you don't like it, because I like it, so I will force you"

"You don't like it, and that's the appeal for me. I enjoy that you don't like it. It gives me pleasure to see you uncomfortable and distressed, or I simply enjoy exercising power over you."

"I don't think this is a big deal, so if I don't see why something is important to you, I won't respect your feelings around it. Even if it involves your own body".

All of these are BAD.

[u/henrebotha → u/Svihelen]

I've learned a new word this week and I'm going to use it for the first time in this conversation:

The breakup was overdetermined. Repeatedly violating a partner's boundary is sufficient reason for a breakup. Also, interfering with and distracting someone who is driving a vehicle is sufficient reason for a breakup. Either reason by itself would have been relationship-ending; remove one, and you are still left with a breakup. Overdetermined.

[u/Ranra100374 → u/Svihelen]

Yeah, they could have been paralyzed or killed in the worst case scenario.

In a non-life threatening scenario at home watching TV it's still an asshole move but at least there's no chance of anyone dying.

[u/reveling → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

And violating a physical boundary is abuse.

[u/ghjkl098 → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

yep. It’s just flat out abusive. And that’s before the car accident

[u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

I'm not 100% sure if it's a real thing, but I was told that this forced tickling behavior is a sign of abusive tendencies.

[u/ghjkl098 → u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty]

It isn’t “abusive tendencies”. It is flat out abuse.

[u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty → u/ghjkl098]

You're right on that.

[u/We_Roll_This_Stone → u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty]

Can be, yeah. It tests how much you're willing to put up with having your bodily autonomy taken from you.

[u/Expert-Amoeba-6091 → u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty]

It is a real thing. Growing up, I had a sister who watched over me while parents worked. She was 15 years older than me. Mean does not even start to describe her. She loved to hit hard for punishment and “tickle me” to tease me. Tickling became torture when I repeatedly asked her to stop. She felt it was funny and did it longer. Fast forward to first husband. He not only hit hard, but used verbal abuse and kicked me. He loved to tickle me because he knew how much I considered it torture. Thankfully, he found a girlfriend and moved on.

[u/Pimp_Daddy_Patty → u/Expert-Amoeba-6091]

Geez that's brutal.

[u/ThatScaryBeach → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

Tickling is assault to someone who doesn't want it. My stepdad used to do it to the point of pain. I dreamt of the day I would be big enough to beat the f out of him. Fortunately for him, my mom divorced him for having an affair with a community college freshman.

[u/Humble-Violinist6910 → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

Yeah, it’s a consent issue. Not joking. 

[u/SweetLorelei → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

I was scrolling hoping to find someone saying this.

[u/Tfuentexxx → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

Please, try to keep tickling a girl who repeatedly tells you NO, and you will quickly be on jail for Sexual Harassment. That will never happen the other way around. Police will laugh at the man's face.

[u/Tattycakes → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

I did this once in my teens, once, because we were stupid kids and thought that someone saying they really didn't like being tickled was an open invitation to pin them down and tickle them, for the lulz. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time (or right, depending on how you view it) and got a flailing foot to the face and a fat lip. Never did that again. And even then I've never been fucking stupid enough to distract someone while they're driving.

[u/GiraffaRappa → u/Ok-Reserve6251]

That’s the part that is crazy to me. When we were dating, my fingers accidentally startled my husband once and he thought I was about to tickle him. He told me how much he hated tickling and I promised him I would never ever do that to him. We’ve been together for years and I’ve never tickled him, and my husband has affirmed to me that I haven’t even done it accidentally (which is a win to me because that was the point)!

If she cared, she would have made a point not to cross his boundary that he clearly set multiple times. Makes me wonder wtf the point of it all was. Like was she doing it because she was raised to be a bully? Were her boundaries pushed so much as a child that she couldn’t see this as abuse? Was it for attention or power? Or was she always a bull? Why did her mom seem accepting and rather than surprised? Weeeeiirrddd.