My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/Simply_me_Wren]

Yeah. Like Finally I can tell you my life’s better without you. How heartbreaking for everyone involved. OP: I’m sorry it hurt so bad you were emotionally crippled. I hope you’re able to reflect and move forward.

[u/Momof41984 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

It is so messed up and sad. Like ya ex is the AH if she trashed the dad to his kid because that is never ok. The kid is half if both of you so they hear half of them is trash and unlovable. But the daughter was 15, which is already a pretty tough time and they are not always the most reasonable, rational beings in those years. Even one not witnessing their dads fall from grace and the imploding family can be down right nasty and hard to communicate with for much longer than the first year he even tried. My mom says I was feral from 13 until I returned to my human form and could resume reason and rational thought at 19 or 20. So bailed out of state before her brain was even fully developed but still acts like this when she calls. Trying to punish her and the innocent grandchild for his hurt that he has nursed for decades because his teen didn't know how to handle big emotions and issues. Not like her parents lead the way for her! Ugh and while I have hope with the update it just made me feel so sad. He sounds like a depressed alcoholic/ drunk who wants to be the victim and is desperately trying to be a hero for banging his coworker even though it destroyed lives. Like wtf did I just read!!! The lack of self awareness. And the poor daughter. Oh thanks mom you used me to punish dad for 17 years and then he doesn't give a damn about me or my kid. Just ewe brother ewe.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/Momof41984]

All of it is just so heartbreaking. I hope they find a way forward.