My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

[u/WideCorners]

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

UPDATE:

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

[u/Simply_me_Wren]

Also, he swapped stories with his child only to then say FU kid. Perhaps this is why mom said reach out, she knew he was a jerk and figured the kid could understand why no contact is sometimes the best choice. Massive gaping AH.

[u/Known-Professor1980 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

I found this the most AH part of the story. I think there is a subconscious or even conscious retaliation here. O.P said it hurt when the daughter cut them off and then this seems like a retaliation of OP now getting to cut her off and in control of the situation.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/Known-Professor1980]

Yeah. Like Finally I can tell you my life’s better without you. How heartbreaking for everyone involved. OP: I’m sorry it hurt so bad you were emotionally crippled. I hope you’re able to reflect and move forward.

[u/Momof41984 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

It is so messed up and sad. Like ya ex is the AH if she trashed the dad to his kid because that is never ok. The kid is half if both of you so they hear half of them is trash and unlovable. But the daughter was 15, which is already a pretty tough time and they are not always the most reasonable, rational beings in those years. Even one not witnessing their dads fall from grace and the imploding family can be down right nasty and hard to communicate with for much longer than the first year he even tried. My mom says I was feral from 13 until I returned to my human form and could resume reason and rational thought at 19 or 20. So bailed out of state before her brain was even fully developed but still acts like this when she calls. Trying to punish her and the innocent grandchild for his hurt that he has nursed for decades because his teen didn't know how to handle big emotions and issues. Not like her parents lead the way for her! Ugh and while I have hope with the update it just made me feel so sad. He sounds like a depressed alcoholic/ drunk who wants to be the victim and is desperately trying to be a hero for banging his coworker even though it destroyed lives. Like wtf did I just read!!! The lack of self awareness. And the poor daughter. Oh thanks mom you used me to punish dad for 17 years and then he doesn't give a damn about me or my kid. Just ewe brother ewe.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/Momof41984]

All of it is just so heartbreaking. I hope they find a way forward.

[u/AmazingEnd5947 → u/Known-Professor1980]

OP/parent never grew up. His daughter was a child when this occurred. She still passed his maturity level.

[u/Lindseye117 → u/Known-Professor1980]

The part that got me was he felt nothing, NOTHING, for his daughter after all those years. A parent never hates their child. Wtf...

[u/Dardengore → u/Lindseye117]

No one said it was hatred except you. This man has lived 17 years without them and is in his 60’s, some people accept their lot in life and while lonely they don’t wish to change their life, especially at his age. They’d rather live with the emptiness in their chest knowing they fucked up, “punishing themselves” rather than start working on themselves when they’re so close to death. I’d also argue a woman who was 15 and is now 32 with a 12 year old child is absolutely not the person he would call his daughter, so he was unsure if he should even open those old wounds up for a complete stranger (personality wise.) Some people, in the face of losing everything (wife and daughter), just give up. If my wife left me and our son said he hated me and didn’t want to see me or talk to me, and I put a year into trying with 0 headway, I’d give up too. I want them to be happy and if me being out of their lives makes them happy, I’ll sit and suffer while they get to be happy because that’s what I want.

[u/throwratoomuchtodo → u/Dardengore]

60s is not “so close to death” my god. Modern medicine exists. The amount of time he lived without them, he likely has at least that much or more time left to either continue to be a lonely asshole, or grow up into half the adult his daughter has proved to be.

[u/jcythcc → u/Known-Professor1980]

You're right

[u/Next_Preparation8728 → u/Known-Professor1980]

Plot twist - imagine if the daughter found out that he has nobody but the dog and sister who apparently also has nobody and they seemingly recently inherited a habitable house overseas and he is moving there in just 4 months never to return and decided, I need to get back in the will. 🤣

[u/Zekezip89123 → u/Known-Professor1980]

Turn about is fair play.

[u/[deleted] → u/Simply_me_Wren]

[removed] — view removed comment

[u/Silly-Violinist-6239 → u/[deleted]]

Repeat this, you were a child and reacted how a child would.

[u/mmeIsniffglue → u/[deleted]]

I hope you can forgive yourself some day <3. You made the decision that felt most right to you at the time. may she rest in peace

[u/delusionaldachshund → u/[deleted]]

I try not to resent my dad

You shouldn't resent your dad in the least. He never cheated and he was honest with you.

You should appreciate him. You needed the truth and he gave it to you.

HE did the right thing.

[u/mrblonde55 → u/delusionaldachshund]

To be fair, the father wasn’t being “honest” with anyone. He told his child about the affair (and I’d bet anything his rationale was “they are old/mature enough to hear the truth”), while at the same time pushing that the child has no contact with their mother (which is saying “I am the parent and I know what’s best. They are too young/immature to make their own decision on this.”).

I understand that these are some of the most highly charged emotional situations you can face, but if we are discussing what’s “right”, telling them the truth, then telling them how to feel, isn’t it.

[u/illustriousocelot_ → u/mrblonde55]

OP also said he refused to see his mother so, short of dragging him to her, what was the dad to do?

He’s no more to blame than the mom in the main post, who supposedly trashed her cheating ex to her daughter.

[u/mrblonde55 → u/illustriousocelot_]

I’m assuming that the information about the affair was immediately followed by his “opinion” that OP cut contact, based off of the resentment they mentioned. If I’m wrong about that I stand corrected, but to me it sounds like dad poisoned the well right off the bat.

And if the mom in the main post really did trash dad to the daughter, she does carry some blame for that IMO. Your kid isn’t your therapist. That being said, I wouldn’t trust OP’s word on that subject.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/mrblonde55]

Same. We have an unreliable narrator. However, even at face value, ESH, except probably the daughter not reaching out until 32. She’s going through some shit and tried to reconcile with a parent, then got totally shit on. I feel bad for her.

[u/mrblonde55 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

Yeah I don’t think I could come up with any scenario where I’d blame the daughter. At best (assuming the mother didn’t turn her against OP), she legitimately felt betrayed by her dad and was upset with him. His giving up on trying to repair the relationship after one year (when she was 16) probably didn’t help much either.

I see OP updated the post and is taking responsibility. Although I do find “the come by anytime during the next four months before I leave forever” a bit strange.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/mrblonde55]

Eh, we have planes, and it gives daughter and granddaughter an opportunity to experience their culture first hand through visits.

[u/mrblonde55 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

Maybe strange was the wrong word. “Funny” (in a dark humor kind of way) might be better. “Yes. I’m sorry, let’s reconcile after a lifetime apart…by the way, Im moving away forever in four months.”

TBH, this may be for the best, as it will force both of them to rip off the bandaid and get past the most awkward parts ASAP so they can make the most of the next four months.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/mrblonde55]

Hello stranger, just to clarify I said probably excepting the daughter. She waited over a decade to reconcile, and then was shit on immediately, I feel bad for her. In no way does that say I think a child was the AH. I was more stating how hard it had to be to wait half your life to reconcile only to be shot down immediately.

[u/Simply_me_Wren → u/delusionaldachshund]

You can tell the truth without beating someone with it.

My mother’s a drug addict, I raised her kids for her, our boys had zero clue the issues I had with my mom until they were grown. My oldest was 19 before he figured it out and dipped to the military, my youngest is 22 and we started talking to him when I found out he had started having his own drug issues, and was doing them with her at about 17. He’s got a family now and has really turned his life around for the most part.

All those times of, you’re not my mom, I want my real mommy, why won’t you let me go with my mom, when’s mommy coming home? “I’m not sure honey, I’m sure she’ll come home when she can, do you want to go to the basketball park, or the duck park?”

Did they misunderstand, and blame me? Often. Did I tell them our mom was a junky whore out there spending the money her high school daughter earned to keep the kids fed because she sold the food stamps? No, because you can tell the truth without beating them with it. You keep it appropriate to the age and you try to be delicate.

[u/Invisible_string93 → u/delusionaldachshund]

13 year olds don’t need the truth

[u/illustriousocelot_ → u/[deleted]]

Why would you resent your dad? You should thank him for telling you the truth. Honesty is best.

[u/LateNightPhilosopher → u/Simply_me_Wren]

It's like he let her have a whole corporate job interview and then hit her with the ol' "We've decided to go in a different direction at this time"

Like bruh it's your daughter.

[u/8008zilla → u/Simply_me_Wren]

I agree. My mom did this to us and I have had zero contact with her ex-husband for a very long time for the girls and lately it’s been minimal because he’s staying with my other family.

[u/Useful-Sun7128 → u/Simply_me_Wren]

“gaping” AH 🥴😅 this thread is giving me life rn because yes to all of this. What a douche. I hope the daughter exiles his dumbass back to the hell he deserves to be in for shitting on people his whole life. Sometimes people really dont deserve relationships because they shart on all the ones the universe gave them and here’s their karma. I love that he had the audacity to send her the link to this thread … if she can read all these responses and STILL want to connect with this AH then damn she’s damaged af and looking for more. You will never heal in the environment that broke you… but then to expose her daughter to this kind of energy… that’s irresponsible. I hope she opens her eyes and protects her kid. This man has no remorse, no morality. He’s a literal POS parading as a dick savior 😂 gtfo.