r/AITAH • u/Kll-ian • Apr 29 '24
AITAH for distancing myself from my mother after she told me to “man up” because I was “holding onto the past” TW SA
So years ago when I was around 11 I was a SA’d while staying at a friend's house. Before it had happened, I was originally a very social kid. I was open about everything and believe it or not I was SCARED to lie. Even about the littlest things. After it had happened I became the complete opposite. I became introverted and only stayed close to one friend, and rarely went outside. Social anxiety also crept up on me and I (ngl) still struggle with it today. I also became rude and secretive.
When I told my mom it had happened she said nothing. She just stared at me and asked “Well what did you do for it to happen?” Since I was only 11 at the time I didn’t understand what she meant by this and was confused. Afterward, she said nothing else and continued to watch TV.
So now onto the main part. About a year ago after I had a panic attack I decided to tell my mom that I was still struggling with the aftereffects of what had happened to me. I told her about how I was scared to be in the same room with someone the same gender as me but way older. I told her about how it would feel like they were watching me, and how I’m scared to wear shorts or anything that shows my skin (still struggle with this one). She got mad when I told her this and told me “Seriously? You’re a man, Killian, you need to act like one. This shit happens almost every day to millions of women and you don’t see them complaining. So man the fuck up and grow a pair.” I was DUMBFOUNDED. I just stood there. I didn’t even say anything. Just stood there.
Throughout the next couple of months I did nothing but attend school and go to sleep as soon as I got home. I was hoping to avoid all contact with her, which was kinda hard considering the fact that we lived together. Whenever she made dinner I would stay in my room and not eat till I woke up, this would be around midnight or later. After a couple of months of doing this, she lashed out at me and asked why I was being such a shitty son. She asked why I never speak to her and why I can’t be like other sons. She asked why I’m always complaining about shit instead of thanking her for putting a roof over my head and feeding me.
This might be a habit of mine but I just stood there. Again, and didn’t say shit. Later I called my aunt and we spoke. After about a week I had all my things gathered and I moved in with her ( where I’m staying now). My mom had no problem with this since the last thing she said to me was, “Come back when you learn how to not be a pussy”. Recently she contacted me saying she was sorry and that she didn’t mean any of the things she had said to me. She said that she was just fucked in the head after her mother (my gma) had passed away (forgot to mention that I’m sorry).
So AITAH for not speaking to her and not properly opening up to her? I feel that I’m partly at fault because I know that I’m an extremely conservative person and I wasn’t being considerate of what she might’ve been going through.
Thank for reading through all of this🩵
EDIT: Guys I don’t care if I have to stay up late to be able to respond to all of your comments. I’ll respond. And all the promises I make—I PROMISE—are not empty. I mean them wholeheartedly. I will try my best to respond with the most gratitude I can express through words, but I’m not really doing so well so bear with me!! 🤍🩵🤍
UPDATE:
I can’t get help.
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u/Famous-Composer3112 Apr 30 '24
NTA.
Your mother should have a warning stuck on her forehead with a skull and crossbones on it, because she is pure poison. Who the hell tells their own kid to "man up" about something that serious? And implies it was their fault?
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
I love this so much. I’m sorry I found the first part humorous. I actually laughed a bit. But I completely agree, thank you for understanding me🩵🩵🩵
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u/Remarkable-Low-643 Apr 30 '24
Yes this happens to women and women do complain. There's been a whole movement out there. Which rock has she been sleeping under?
There is a reason certain countries have spaces only for women. It's not because we are porcelain dolls. It's because we are afraid. It shouldn't come to this but it has.
It's people like her that constantly dismiss women's concerns. People like her will tell women to carry weapons or learn self defence instead of actually focusing on the problem. People like her enable abusers. And she is now doing this to you.
She is singing the same hateful thing that is tailored towards male victims even if less in number. She is part of the problem.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
I wish she was more open minded and actually cared. Turns out there’s a lot of things she couldn’t care less about. Thank you for pointing this out, I agree as-well. Shame those who tell people that it’s because of the clothes they wear or try to blame them at all. It’s not right. Thank you for sharing this🩵🩵🩵
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u/Remarkable-Low-643 Apr 30 '24
Please don't take this as a sign of your manhood. You are strong because it takes strength to speak up about this shit. She is on the other hand the problem. Anything she says, always remember this and it automatically devalues her words.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
You are so kind. Thank you, I’ll do this. I’ll remember it. Thank you so much for your advice🩵🩵🩵
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u/ProfPlumDidIt Apr 30 '24
NTA. Your mother is a shitty parent and a shitty human being and your life is far better without her in it.
She may have said the words, but she isn't really sorry. People who are legitimately sorry don't make excuses for the shitty things they did.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
You’re actually so right, thank you for providing me with this perspective. This actually changed a lot omg🩵🩵🩵
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u/HaruspexListener Apr 30 '24
She's also an abuser, stay away from her.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
I will, thank you so much🩵🩵🩵
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u/Nervous_Explorer_898 Apr 30 '24
9 times out of 10, when an abuser shows back up in your life asking for forgiveness, it's because they want something. I bet if you asked around you'd learn she either needs financial assistance , needs an organ donor, or a combination of the two.
Even if this isn't the case, I'd stay far away just to be safe.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Don’t worry I will. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m not gonna lie I chuckled a bit on the “organ donor” part😭🩵
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u/dsking Apr 30 '24
It's not always a big ask. OP living at his Aunt's house long term will raise questions. The longer he's away, the more likely the real reasons will come out. She's trying to pull him back in so she can control the narrative. Appearances first.
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 Apr 30 '24
NTA
OMG your egg donor is vile. I would never talk to her again.
Can you imagine how she might treat your future partner or future kids?
Stay away from her. You are an orphan. That woman is no mother. She is a disgusting human being.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Aww all of you guys in the comments are making me cry😭😭🩵🩵
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 Apr 30 '24
Sending you internet mom hugs
I can also promise you that no sane mother would hurt her kid more because of grief. In fact, when my parent died it made me want to hold my kids tighter and love them more
Stay with your aunt GUILT FREE. Be KIND to yourself. NEVER let that emotionally abusive creature back into your life. Anyone who could do what she did to you could not "get better" without YEARS of intensive intentional therapy. I don't think that putrid human is capable of doing that
I am so happy you have an aunt you can lean on.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you so much. I’m sorry that I can’t word out my gratitude the way I want to. Words feel like my worse enemies right now. Thank you. So so so so much. I wish I could say it another way and express my gratitude more emotionally🩵🩵🩵
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 Apr 30 '24
I think you are using your words just fine 💙
Please keep us posted while living your best life 💙
Updateme
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u/TheLeadSearcher Apr 29 '24
NTA - Your mom is toxic and abusive and you are better off staying away from her. In the meantime, why not go to the police and have your abuser arrested? You don't know how many other victims are out there, maybe you could prevent someone else from becoming a victim.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 29 '24
BTW im Not pretecting him by saying “I’ve known him for years” I just thought to mention that since I find it sick that someone I’ve known since I was like nearly a toddler had done something like that to me
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u/drbarnowl Apr 30 '24
Honey no one thought that. The majority of people who experience sexual assault are assaulted by someone they know and trust. And while I know nothing I can say will make you feel better whatever that evil monster does is not because you didn’t stop him. You were a child who was failed by a lot of different people. You are not to blame for any of the evilness in this situation.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you so much for understanding me. I promise I’ll try to focus on getting myself some help. I also want to try to become open again, Y’know? Thank you🩵🤍🩵
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u/drbarnowl Apr 30 '24
It’s alright sweetheart. Just be kind to yourself. Just because something horrific happened to you doesn’t mean it was your fault. I think sometimes when bad stuff happens our minds try and find something or someone - anyone - to blame. Because if someone is at fault then it gives you back a false sense of control. Like if you had done x/y/x then this nightmare wouldn’t have happened. But the truth is sometimes awful stuff just happens and the only people to blame are the monsters that commit those awful acts.
The worst moment of your life will always be a part of you but it doesn’t define you. You are not less than or weak because of the actions or choices of someone else.
(Idk if I’m making sense but take care of yourself honey)
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Don’t worry, you made perfect sense. I promise, wholeheartedly that I’ll get myself some help and cut my mother off🩵🩵🩵
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u/PresentMath3507 Apr 30 '24
Please know that what happened to you doesn’t have to define you. Processing what happened is so hard but it’s so worth it. You can’t yet imagine the good stuff that life has for you on the other side. This is not all there is and your mom is so wrong. Please don’t let her back in until you have discussed it with a therapist.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you, I promise I will keep my distance from her and focus on me and my health. Thank you so much for caring, I really mean it.🤍🩵🤍
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 Apr 30 '24
I'm really sorry that pos bully violated your trust!!!
I can totally understand your anxiety in terms of other men. I'm sure with the proper supports and counceling you can get past this! You're so much stronger than that scumbag!
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u/Kll-ian Apr 29 '24
The abuser was someone I’ve known for years and after it had happened he moved to Africa to go live with his family. I wish I could’ve done something.
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u/Mickeynutzz Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24
I hope this pedophile’s family members in Africa are aware of what he is and know that they need to protect children and keep them SAFE from him !! I wonder if his children know so they can keep grandchildren & others safe….
Even if the police cannot locate & prosecute him. I want to spread the word to everyone that will possibly listen a warning to never leave any child of any age alone with him ! !
OP - I am SO sorry you experienced trauma from this person and then were met by additional trauma by your Mom’s AWFUL reaction. I pray for your mental health recovery - Therapy WILL help ! 😀
You are brave to speak up and tell your story !! You DID the correct thing by telling her Mom. Unfortunately, she failed you.
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u/Adventurous-Fig2226 Apr 30 '24
Your mother is a monster. You would be wise to cut contact with her altogether. She does not care about you and is apparently a hyper-selfish hellbeast. Each thing she said to you is more unforgivable than the last. Anyone who treats any trauma victim the way she has treated you is a worthless piece of shit you don't need in your life. There are serial killers who would have been kinder to you about this than your egg donor was. I know it's hard, but you need to reframe her responses in your mind as the toxic, evil abuse that it was. Nothing she said has the slightest amount of validity. I don't care what else she has done in her life, the way she treated you makes her a bad person. Period.
Trauma is trauma. SA is SA. The idea that your gender makes you unworthy of having or expressing feelings is toxic garbage and it always will be. You're human. You're allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to express those feelings. And you deserve kindness and help, because nothing that happened was your fault. Not the assault and not your mom's horrific treatment of you.
Please ask your aunt to help you get into therapy. In the meantime, there are mountains of therapy resources on YouTube. Start with learning about mindfulness. From there, branch out into more specific topics. Keep a journal if you can. Try and keep to channels by licensed professionals.
Be safe and protect yourself emotionally from your mother. You deserve a home where every part of you is welcome.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh my..I don’t even know how to say thank you. All of these comments are bringing me to tears especially yours. Just the fact that you took the time out of your day to type this makes me feel so I don’t know a word, or how to describe it. But I am extremely grateful. I hope you live an amazing life. I hope you get through any hardship blocking your path. I’ll be sure to focus on my well-being, I couldn’t thank you enough.🤍🩵🤍
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u/KlenDahthII Apr 30 '24
Your mom probably realized “I abandoned my son because he was upset at being raped” isn’t going to play well publicly - and now that you live with your aunt, people will ask..
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Don’t worry, Not even my aunt knows. After telling my mom and the way she reacted I’m kinda scared to tell anyone else. A couple years ago I told a close friend and they said something like “you’re literally a dude, no one cares enough to do that to a guy”. I mean I see what the meant but it’s kinda made me feel bad Y’know?
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u/KlenDahthII Apr 30 '24
Honestly? I know you don’t want to, but you should tell your aunt. She needs to know why you’re living with her, so she can act in your best interests moving forward. If she doesn’t know how bad it is, she might be more open to things like your mom trying to force reconciliation.
I know it’s your business, and you can keep it to yourself if you want to: I’m just saying she’s not going to judge you for it, and she’s going to be in a place to make better decisions if she knows the situation she’s making decisions about.
If you were offered an experimental drug that has a 5% chance of killing you.. would you take it blindly? No. Would you take it if you knew you had terminal cancer and a 5% chance of dying is 95% better than your guaranteed death without the drug? You’d guzzle them down like skittles in the Sahara.
When your aunt took you in, she became your guardian. By not telling her, you’re just forcing her to make decisions blindly on your behalf. That’s not good for you, it’s not good for her, and it might end up being bad for your relationship.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know I was doing that. I promise I’ll tell her and try to get help. I’m sorry
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u/KlenDahthII Apr 30 '24
Don’t apologize. Like I said, it’s your decision. I only mean to tell you why it could be better for you, despite being harder for you.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you, I will try to get help from my aunt today. I just hope I’ll be able to fall through with it🩵
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u/Individual_Respect90 Apr 30 '24
NTA. This is the female version of toxic masculinity where females think men shouldn’t have any feelings and nothing should affect you. This whole men shouldn’t cry nonsense has pretty much destroyed so many people. Suicide rates in male are so high because most men are afraid to even talk about what hurts. Stay with your aunt your mom is dismissive and shouldn’t be a parent.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you for bringing this up, I completely agree with you on this one. And thank you for caring enough to comment this🩵🤍🩵
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u/Individual_Respect90 Apr 30 '24
Yeah of course if you even need a random person to get something off your chest let me know. Stay strong my friend and good luck!
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Apr 30 '24
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh my god thank you. Thank you so much. That’s all I’ve been saying and all I can say. I really don’t know how to express how much I am thankful for this through a couple of words. Thank you. Really🩵🩵🩵
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u/blucougar57 Apr 30 '24
NTA.
One of the most insidious things about SA is the victim blaming. And telling you to ‘man up’ is beyond fucked up. Women often don’t complain because they are not believed, or told it must be their fault. Your mother just proved that sad fact, multiple times over.
I sincerely hope you get the support and help you need through your aunt and I’m sorry you had to suffer in silence for so long.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you so much. Really. I agree entirely with you. Victim blaming just isn’t okay. And I promise I’ll try to get the help I need🩵🩵🤍🩵🩵
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u/blucougar57 Apr 30 '24
You are far stronger than you likely realise. You’ll work your way through this, I honestly believe that.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you so much for believing in me. Thank you for giving me hope, thank you thank you thank you!!🤍🩵🤍
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u/aj0457 Apr 30 '24
https://www.rainn.org/ RAINN is the national sexual assault hotline. You can call or chat for free confidential support. You can download the free RAINN app that “gives survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones access to support, self-care tools, and information."
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u/twilipig Apr 30 '24
NTA, and as a mother I’m disgusted and horrified on your behalf. So I’ll mom you for a moment: this wasn’t your fault in any capacity. You did nothing wrong. Your mother should NOT have said the shit she said to you. It was inappropriate, disgusting, and misogynistic (misandrist?) You should have never heard those words leave her lips ever. I don’t care if she was going through her own shit, she’s a mother. You push your feelings aside when your child’s hurting and she failed you constantly. I’m so sorry you were failed. Please please please talk to your aunt about what your mother said and what you went through. You deserve love, support, and resources. I’m proud of you for being so open and mature. Virtual mom hug 🫂
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh my god. You don’t know how much I needed this. Thank you thank thank you. I wish you the best and I promise I’ll get help. I promise🤍🩵🤍
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u/rjainsa Apr 30 '24
One thing you could do is, from the privacy of your room, call a sexual abuse hotline and talk to someone there. That might be a useful first step.
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u/mizjennjenn Apr 30 '24
NTA!!!! You were a child who has been horribly wronged and your mom failed you as a parent. She’s TA.
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u/Terrible_Session_658 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24
Your mother enrages me. Please take it from this Internet stranger - if my daughter had been in your shoes and I had said what she said, my husband would serve me ASAP and file for full custody, and he would be right. This has nothing to do with gender. It has everything to do with being a sh*t parent and an abusive person. Just because she is female and didn’t lay hands on you doesn’t mean it wasn’t abusive. The fact that you stood there without responding doesn’t surprise me - did you know that freezing is a well recognized trauma response? Hearing that from your mother must have been excruciating, especially given everything you are dealing with, and personally would have really screwed with my head if it had been me. And I’m sorry, women get raped all the time and don’t complain? WTF. Women get raped and are never the same after, because sexual assault is a really difficult, awful thing to go through. It is a big deal. It is an unforgivable violation and frankly even after the fact not everyone makes it through. I have seen it. The fact that you are feeling the way you are and acting the way you are is a totally understandable AND COMMON reaction to what you are living through. Your mother is just wrong, on so many levels. Please take this to heart: you did nothing wrong, you owe her nothing, everything that you describe thinking and feeling and going through is the understandable and predictable result of the violence you have survived. This thing that happened, it isn’t yours, you didn’t make it, YOU DIDN’T CAUSE IT, but you have to carry it. I am so sorry. I am so glad th you have your aunt - do you think that she’d help you find a therapist? It might help to have someone to talk to. And can I just close an overly long comment by saying that I am just so impressed by you, putting one foot in front of the other with all this weight on your shoulders and so little support. Please know that in the end you are worth all the struggle, and if it helps this mom is rooting for you. I can see how much strength you have and I just know there is something better waiting for you at the end of it all. You just have to hold on and do the best you can.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you, it’s 1:02am so I’ll get some sleep after I respond, I’ve been responding to these for hours hah! This is probably the third time I’m responding to someone say something like this but I am extremely sorry. For not knowing how to respond. I hope you know how much this is helping me, how much it’s lifting off my shoulders. I would walk to the moon and back just to find a way to respond to this so You could understand how truly amazing this made me feel. Loved, cared for, noticed, believed. It’s so relieving. So thank you..for everything you had just said. I promise to get some help, and to distance myself from that woman with the title of a mother. ( sorry if there are any major spelling mistakes, my eyesight is bad right now!!) HUGS🫂🤍🩵🤍
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u/Terrible_Session_658 Apr 30 '24
I hope that you wake up refreshed and recharged - sleep is really healing. The feeling that you felt when you went to sleep is the feeling that you deserve to feel every day. I hope this sinks in - the way that you are being treated is so completely and utterly unacceptable that a bunch of internet strangers wanted to see you defended, even if it is just in an internet chat. You are worthy of support and respect and love and safety just for being you, and there is nothing that you need to do to earn it. I certainly appreciate such kind and heartfelt words, but there is no apology needed - you owe me only so much as you feel is important. Give yourself a little grace and take a little space for yourself to breathe, and know that everything you said was just fine. I hope good things happen today and I am rooting for you.
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u/Imaginary-Yak-6487 Apr 30 '24
As a mom of a grown son, that I protected with my life when he was young. I’m horrified that your mom said these things to you. That’s just unimaginable to me that a parent would say something like this & blame their child. I hope you’re getting the help you need. Good on your aunt for having you stay with her.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
If only I had someone like you to grow up with. Thank you so much. I promise, if I muster up the courage I’ll ask for help🩵🩵🩵🩵
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u/Character-Tennis-241 Apr 30 '24
NTA
You need help, counseling, therapy. Without great counseling and therapy it's extremely hard to heal. Geez it's extremely hard to heal with proper counseling/therapy!! It doesn't matter that you are a male. You were SA'd! Someone stole your peace, your autonomy, body, mental and physical.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
I’ll try to get help I promise. Thank you for worrying and caring enough to say this. Thank you so much🩵🩵🩵
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u/Unseen_Unbiased1733 Apr 30 '24
NTA and there is no NONE AT ALL excuse for your mother’s terrible behavior. She cannot possible use your grandmother’s passing to be unsympathetic for over a year!!! I’m really sorry for what happened to you and I am especially even more sorry that your parent let you down when you confided in her. That is objectively terrible.
Edit: TELL YOUR AUNT. and if she doesn’t react the way strangers on this forum are reacting, find someone else you trust. There is a right way to help you get thru this! Take care of yourself please.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
I promise, with the entirety of my heart I promise to try and get help. Thank you for caring, I really mean it🩵🤍🩵
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u/Upset_Scar_2886 Apr 30 '24
Nta. Yeah it does happen to millions of women and millions of women are scarred by it. Your mother is a fucking idiot.
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u/silverboognish Apr 30 '24
NTA. I’m sorry your mom is horrible. Please distance yourself from her for your own wellbeing
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u/Zestyclose_Quote_568 Apr 30 '24
NTA
I was abused as a child and had a similar reaction from my parents when I tried to get help. I am so sorry. None of this is your fault.
I would suggest having as little contact with your mother as possible, and look into EMDR therapy if you can afford it.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh no, I hope you are doing okay now. Even better, amazing. I hope you were able to overcome the difficulties you had to endure. And thank you, I will look into it🩵🩵🩵
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u/Inkdkaijudude Apr 30 '24
NTA. Her telling you to "man up" and "grow a pair" is the worst thing a mother can say to her own child after experiencing trauma from SA. Seriously, it's because of shit like this that many don't report it and keep it bottled up inside.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Yeah. When she said that it honestly did make me question myself. Because compared to a lot of other boys I’m very feminine. From my hair to my face.
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u/Smart-Story-2142 Apr 30 '24
I really wish I could give current you and 11 year old a hug. None of what she has said or done is ok, this includes while dealing with grief. It’s unacceptable and so cruel. You deserve so much better. It’s ok to be feeling the way you do and doesn’t make you any less of a man. I do suggest you try therapy (I suggest someone who works with victims of abuse) do this for yourself. This way you’ll be able to work through everything and maybe heal a little bit. You deserve to be happy and doing everything you can to get there is not selfish. This may include having to cut people who don’t/won’t support you out of your life. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get this support from the moment you told your mom. If I met a child who had this done to them I would go scorched earth on anyone involved, this includes kids I know and those I don’t know. NTA.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you so much. Really really. I mean it. I promise I will try to get me some therapy 🤍🩵🤍
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u/ratdigger Apr 30 '24
Um, did your mom have two moms and did one of them die when you were 11 also? She can shove that excuse...somewhere. There is no excuse in the world for what she did then and what she did now and now making excuses for what she did, there's no excuse for her not taking responsibility for her shitty responses.
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u/DawnShakhar Apr 30 '24
NTA.
I am so sorry for what you went through. First of all the SA, but perhaps even more than that, the denial of your feelings by your mother. That is really traumatic, and messed up your whole life.
As for your mother: She behaved wrongly all along the way:
First, when you first told her about the SA, she not only ignored your feelings, but victim-blamed you.
Secondly, when you brought it up again, she dismissed your feelings and accused you of failing to cope, comparing you to women who were SAed.
And finally, when you stopped talking to her, she blamed you for being a bad son, claiming you owed her for putting a roof over your head and feeding you.
Well, here is the reality:
First: you were not at fault. Not in any way. You were a child and you were assaulted.
Second: people who were SAed need help to cope with their feelings. The first thing they need is validation of their trauma and assurance that it wasn't their fault. This goes for men and women. Women who are sexually assaulted and who don't get support and help often develop extreme emotional problems and mess up their lives.
And finally: your mother gave birth to you. She owes you basic care. That includes a roof over your head, food, clothing, education and emotional support. Her claiming that you owe her for the first two, and her denying you the last, is failing to do her basic job as a mother. That is on her. She can blame you as much as she wants, but you are not at fault - she is.
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u/Busy-Act-105 Apr 29 '24
Ngl I’m usually all for making up for your parents but moms sound like a super bitch (sorry if that offended you)…. But that you don’t deserve that shit fuck her stay with auntie
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u/strega42 Apr 30 '24
NTA, obviously.
You can also start by talking to a therapist about the trauma of your mother dismissing you, when you needed her most. It can absolutely take time to develop a good rapport with a therapist. You don't have to start with your biggest trauma right out of the gate.
You aren't alone, OP. I have several male friends who were SAed in foster care. Adam Paul Steed has been very public about being SAed by a Boy Scout leader in the 90s. Terry Crews has talked about being assaulted as an adult in Hollywood, and how it traumatized him. The reactions you describe sound very familiar to me, which is kind of horrifying (I mean, that it happens enough for people to be familiar with it is just awful), but I do hope that knowledge brings you some reassurance that you're being very normal.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Oh my god. Thank you for this. So much. This is probably the third comment I’m screen shotting today. I love this. Thank you so much for doing this—for taking your time out of your day to type this. I wish you the best in life. I hope you have a good rest of your day🤍🩵🤍
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u/flyingt0ucan Apr 30 '24
Oh my god, your mum's reaction is so horrible. I am sorry that you asked for help and instead got this answer. :(
What happened to you is not your fault. It's completly normal to react like you to such a thing. I myself am a women who experienced similar stuff and I absolutly feel similar. It's serious trauma and it needs time to get over it. But you can heal from it through time and therapy. It will get better.
Don't listen to your mum, she is having some really fucked up ideas about masculinity, I guess. And also about SA in general. You are so strong for resisting those wrong messages and leaving this environment.
I hope you can heal 🩵
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 Apr 30 '24
“Come back when you learn how to not be a pussy”.
Uhh... no. ☝️ Stay away from her.
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u/Tiny-Ask-7807 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24
First of all : you should be really proud of yourself for moving out. It is huge and a first step and is the proof you need that you will get better because you were able to make this move to survive
You are strong.
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u/agemsheis Apr 30 '24
NTA, all the way. Your mom reminds me of my older sister. Extremely narcissistic and abusive. Once, after she really hurt me bad one time, I stopped talking to her for a while even though we lived together. She only apologized randomly one day because she realized she couldn’t use me anymore if I held that against her. I have no doubt in my mind that’s why your mom is apologizing. She has a house all to herself that she has to take care of the upkeep on her own, she wants to take advantage of you again.
Abusers don’t get better until they really admit their problems and go to therapy to change it. If my sister had done that, maybe she’d still be alive today. I highly recommend staying away from your mother until she actually changes. But you are under no obligation to go back to her just because she’s your mother. You don’t need to keep people who hurt you.
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u/lavaeater Apr 30 '24
Y'know, that sounds absolutely awful. A consequence of a very disturbed relationship with sex and consent perpetuated through history. You didn't deserve or make this happen in any way.
You are right to distance yourself from your mother and instead seek to be with people that give you love and care, that we all deserve. Your mother too, as well, of course, because that attitude does not come from nowhere... but that is her journey, not yours.
You can forgive her, but you need to protect your self worth from her hurting and abusive comments.
I wish you love.
NTA.
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u/Scruffersdad Apr 30 '24
I’m so sorry that you had to experience that. I was also SA’d, at about 7/8 yrs old. I told no one until I was in my twenties. I wish I had. Please seek therapy to help with this. It will infect every other area of your life if you don’t, and trust me, the sooner therapy the better. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your aunt about it that’s ok, but do seek help. I’m doing well now, but it’s occasionally still a struggle. Best wishes for your journey forward.
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u/Scruffersdad Apr 30 '24
Ps- just a thought- you might want to give your aunt a heads up as your mom might try to use your experience against you when you start to get help.
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u/AspirantVeeVee Apr 30 '24
Holy crap, I'm so sorry any of this happened to you. No, you are NTA. I can't beleive your mother could be this abtuse and cruel. How can she act like that after you were assualted? I'm glad you have an aunt that is there for you.
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u/AngelsOfLust Apr 30 '24
NTA. This is what men and boys are facing, female toxicity. I had a similar experience but was less serious. Also be careful when disclosing experience to potential partners
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u/intrepidstoic Apr 30 '24
Honestly it sounds like the reaction of someone who themselves were SA'd, and never got the help they needed to deal with it. Which by no means excuses what she said, just a thought
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u/Square-Singer Apr 30 '24
So AITAH for not speaking to her and not properly opening up to her? I feel that I’m partly at fault because I know that I’m an extremely conservative person and I wasn’t being considerate of what she might’ve been going through.
Opening up means vulnerability. Vulnerability requires trust. Trust needs to be earned.
She did her best to destroy any trust you had in her, on very important occasions and in very vulnerable situations.
It really doesn't matter what she's going through in this context. If she demads you to be a "good son", she should start being a good mother first. She's the adult in the room, and it's her highest duty to make sure her kids are/kid is safe.
She totally failed there.
NTA at all.
I am happy to hear you have an aunt who is not an utter asshole and helps you out.
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u/Hethinno Apr 30 '24
Your mom is a fucking bitch and should be ashamed of herself, she does not deserve to have you in her life. NTA
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Apr 30 '24
Bro my mother is basically the same.
Fuck her. You'll be off better.
Mine likes to act like i don't suit for her as well.
I've paid for about 5 holidays and trips for her in the past 2 years costing me around 6k or so. Things like spa days, weekend breaks etc.
Apparently I still don't do shit, I'm lazy, I'm a cunt I'm this I'm that.
Honestly bro just ignore these salty cunts. You do you.
They'll the ones that will piss their pants eventually, just like your mother did.
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u/procivseth May 01 '24
NTA. Did you mom try to give herself a free pass on demeaning your trauma by citing her own? Your mom's not just insensitive, she's a hypocrite making lame excuses.
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u/RobertoAN95 May 01 '24
Dude im really sorry! Seems like your mom cant accept her own failure to protect you! And she really needs some therapy! Stay with your aunt and work hard to move past these issues! Lets goooooo
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u/RafflesiaArnoldii May 01 '24
NTA
Your mother seems very cruel & extremly neglectful.
Cutting her off seems like a very self-loving decision.
I'm so sorry that on top of this awful thing happening to you you had to deal with nobody caring about the suffering it caused you for so long.
Also what does she mean "it happens to women & they dont complain" - they get traumatized too.
If you're having ongoing problems because of this (which is pretty common & not your fault) maybe consider going to therapy and/or taking up meditation.
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u/Civilengman Apr 30 '24
Great show of courage. Good job on getting out of there. Find some counseling and support and work on this so you can get through it. It will not go away on its own.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 Apr 30 '24
You're going to be much happier in life if you cut all contact with your mother. Get some therapy to help you deal with what happend to you.
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u/RegularCompany7287 Apr 30 '24
You didn’t deserve what happened to you with the SA and your mother completely abandoned her responsibilities when she didn’t help you when she found out. She is a horrible human, do not go back to her, do not make yourself vulnerable to her. She is a cunt and an abuser. She is only thinking about herself. Stay with your aunt and stay safe.
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u/Idonotgiveacrap Apr 30 '24
NTA. Your mother has shown over and over again that she's not a safe space for you to open up and talk about delicate things.
You're not at fault for what happened to you, and your mother didn't show support when you told her about it. You should stay with your aunt if you feel safer and loved with her.
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u/sheissonotso Apr 30 '24
NTA
Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. The one person you should always be able to count on failed you so, so hard. I can’t ever imagine saying something like that to my son. Honestly, I don’t know if I’d be able to restrain my self from violence if someone assaulted him. I hope your aunt treats you with respect and shows you love and compassion. And remember it is not your fault. Any of this! You are a survivor and will thrive one day! If you need anything, your Reddit family is here for you. You are better off without your egg donor, she is a hollow person who deserves all the loneliness in the world.
Much love and healing.
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u/AymeeDe Apr 30 '24
Your mom sucks big time. Mine didn't take me for therapy either. Since I was so young (4-5), her theory was that I would just forget it ever happened. When it happened again, I didn't even bother to tell her. Your mother dismissed your pain & took no responsibility to help you. I'm so low contact, it's not funny. I suggest that you get therapy just to help get the poison out. Try low contact, your mom seems not a nice person. The pain will never be forgotten, but therapy with the right person can help make the pain lighter to carry. All the best for you
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u/PotentialAmazing4318 Apr 30 '24
I'm so sorry that you weren't supported and loved by those who actually owed that to you. Of course, you'll have a hard time healing without that. Please see a therapist for cptsd. Hugs.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Apr 30 '24
NTA. I’m so sorry what happened to you when you were 11 and that your mother never helped you deal with it. I’m sorry also that she continued to give you grief over it for years later. Her lack of response when you were 11 is compounded even mire by her hurtful words years later. I hope you are receiving counseling and help through this.
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u/ManliestMan92 Apr 30 '24
Ah right using a bereavement to justify a shocking response to a shocking incident that took place against OP? My friend, as soon as it’s possible, absolute NC with this ‘mother’.
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Apr 30 '24
NTA at all! You did NOTHING wrong and absolutely nothing to deserve this, let’s be clear. You needed your mother for guidance and protection and she just disregarded your pain as if it never happened. Honestly, you need to cut off all contact from her until she gets the help she needs and I truly hope you can find therapy to help you process, cope and heal through something so horrific and undeserving that happened to you. I hope you will find a way through your pain and find your power.
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u/WilliamTindale8 Apr 30 '24
The idea that the passing of your mom’s mom caused her to treat her child cruelly is ridiculous. Stay with your aunt. Your mom deserves to be without you in her life.
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u/Crafty_Special_7052 Apr 30 '24
NTA, regardless if your mom was grieving over her own mother passing away that does not give her the right to speak to like that or say what she did. That is just awful. And she did you wrong back when you were 11. She should have been going to the police to report your SA and put you in therapy. I’m so sorry you went through that and still dealing with the after effects. I hope you get the help that you need.
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u/BitterDoGooder Apr 30 '24
NTA. Your grandma dying has nothing to do with how your mother treated you, and your mother treated you brutally. There is nothing in the world that can justify what she said when you were little and what she said to you now.
I wish you only good things going forward. How you treat your mother is on her, not on you, but you do get to decide to keep someone this cruel away from yourself.
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u/Artlearninandchurnin Apr 30 '24
Keep your head up. You are valid and your feelings are valid.
Im just going to say it: your birth giver is a piece of shit and I would go no contact with her.
She had one job to protect you and she failed while letting it slide.
Stay with your aunt. Please get professional help and do not let it fester any more.
Form positive relationships with people who will help you through these times.
You're an amazing person and dont let anyone else tell you otherwise.
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u/Potential_Noise3738 Apr 30 '24
There's ways to try and instill the toughness and courage to persevere in people who have been through trauma...
This is a textbook way of NOT doing that.
Distancing yourself was a smart move.
Find space, peace, and happiness. Then decide what's next with relationships like what you have with your mother.
You come first now. Heal up. These battles can be fought later.
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u/Negative_Reading_600 Apr 30 '24
“I wasn’t being considerate of what she might’ve been going through.”
WHAT!! TF 😡 WAS she going through?????????? Her child told her that he was badly hurt and that was her answer to her CHILD!! Nah whatever sorry excuse she comes up with now isn’t ever going to be good enough, the best thing you did was get away from her…her reaction of calling you and apologizing is her way of saying she doesn’t want to be alone..TOO BAD!! hope you are in a better place, forget her she is NOT your mother because a MOTHER doesn’t act that way!!! 😞
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u/DreamingofRlyeh Apr 30 '24
NTA
It is not weakness to be hurt by something traumatic. And it is not unmanly to be effected by crime. Your mother's treatment of you and disregard for your pain and needs is horrible. You are not at fault for the assault or for not magically getting over it. You were a child, and your mother failed you
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u/Grandmafelloutofbed Apr 30 '24
Tell her to woman up. People die all the time, especially men. She needs to get over her mother death, what a pussy bitch. Use that on her.
NTA, I hope this isnt real. Imagine blaming an 11yo for being SA? Good god.
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u/JuniorFix3344 Apr 30 '24
I'm so sorry for your experience. As a mother to a 2 year old boy, I simply cannot fathom this reaction. I would be devastated for what he'd gone through, but relieved he felt like he could confide in me. I would never abuse that trust, or tell him to get over a horrifying trauma. I'm glad you have your aunt, stay with her as long as you can. Don't go back, you deserve so much more. And while I'm not your mother, as a mother in general, I'm very proud of you.
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u/Used-Cup-6055 Apr 30 '24
This makes me sick that your mother said this stuff to you. Please get into some counseling if you aren’t already and I’d suggest your mother get into some for herself as well. I’m glad you have your aunt.
I’d be very cautious letting your mom back into your life.
NTA. Take care of yourself.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Don’t worry I’m distancing myself from her. Thank you so much for caring. Hugs🤍🩵🤍
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u/bippityboppitynope Apr 30 '24
NTA. Your mom needs to be cut off from contact. She is horrible. I am so sorry this happened to you, and I am so sorry you got such a crappy mother on top of it.
Do you have access to mental health care? You would probably benefit from talking to someone.
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u/StrangerReason Apr 30 '24
Ladies! Listen to uncle Stranger.
Acting like this mother is not exactly mom of the centuary material, and responding like this wins you complete dissociation from your children when they get older. Don't start sending your kids messages begging them to "not be the child from the devil" and various out of context bible versus when that time comes, you brought it on yourself.
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u/CulturedGentleman921 Apr 30 '24
"This shit happens to millions of women every day and you don't see them complaining. "
This vile bullshit came out of the mouth of a woman???
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u/WildLoad2410 Apr 30 '24
Number 1. It's not your fault you were SA'd. I used to be a legal secretary for probation and I had to read and proofread all the reports before they were submitted to the Court. Sleepovers are where a lot of kids are SA'd which is why I never let my stepdaughter go to any. Number 2. Yes, a disproportionate number of girls and women are SA'd as opposed to boys and men. However, that doesn't negate or invalidate what happened to you. And most of us still have problems because of it.
I'm wondering if your mom was SA'd and received a similar response from someone or from her family. It doesn't mean her response to you wasn't shitty but it might explain why she feels the way she does.
I'm proud of you for realizing she's not a safe person for you and for finding some other place to live.
You haven't said if you're going to therapy or not but I recommend you do. You were traumatized and may have PTSD. It's not going to go away on it's own.
Your behaviors are trauma and survival responses. It's completely understandable why you changed and are now doing what you do.
Girls and women become hyper vigilant too once we realize that a lot of men are unsafe and it's impossible to know who's actually a good guy and who's just pretending. Some men are obvious but some are wolves in sheep's clothing. I ended married to one and had no clue.
I would talk to your therapist about learning how to set and enforce boundaries with your mother. You can tell her this is a subject you don't want to discuss with her anymore as she's made her feelings about it quite clear.
Another option is to go low or no contact with her. It sounds like you've gone low contact with her already.
Your mom sounds toxic to me. I don't if she'd ever go to therapy or family therapy with you but most toxic parents don't change.
You can try to have a conversation with her and tell her how she's hurting you and that's why you moved out. And if she doesn't change or gets worse, then you can go no contact with her.
I learned to manage my relationship with both of my parents who were toxic and abusive in different ways. Don't speak to them often and don't share any personal information with them. Keep the conversations short and casual. Never stay at their house if you're visiting. If this is the route you want to take.
The most important thing is your mental health. Please go to therapy to help you heal the trauma.
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u/efrendel Apr 30 '24
NTA. Don't think of it as distancing yourself from your mother, think of it as distancing yourself from a toxic individual whose behavior and words compromise your emotional well-being. Get into therapy/counseling, get better, and become the most extraordinary human-being you are capable of becoming.
!updateme
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u/OneTwoWee000 Apr 30 '24 edited Apr 30 '24
Your mother sounds like a monster. She didn’t care you were SA’d. She did nothing to protect you, had zero empathy for your trauma and pain.
F that lady. She doesn’t deserve the title of mom. She’s someone you should never talk to again.
I’m so sorry for what you went through OP. I hope you find peace and are able to rebuild your life.
Edit: Talk to a guidance counselor and work towards the courage to tell your aunt what happened to you.
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Thank you, I will definitely do so🤍🩵🤍 thank you so much for your concern I will most definitely get help🤍🩵🤍
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u/Relevant_Ad_69 Apr 30 '24
First of all I am so sorry you went through that and equally as sorry that you didn't have much of a support system to help deal with it, even tho you reached out to the one person who SHOULD HAVE helped you. You are obviously NTA, regardless of how genuine her apology is, you were forced to live with that for your most formative years. I can relate to feeling trapped as a kid in an unhealthy family home, and given the extent of what you went through I can only imagine what it must have felt like having nowhere else to be. I hope you are in therapy now, that should have been something she did for you immediately, and I wish you the best of luck in moving past this.
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u/AmyrlinEgwene Apr 30 '24
I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. No child should ever have to go through what you have, and no mom should ever act this way. You were so brave to speak up, not only once, but twice, and her response infuriates me. Imho, you should stop considering her your mom, because she is NOT worthy of that title.
Sadly, many people go through various types of SA. Myself included. And even more people experience abuse in different forms, both men and women. Myself and my husband included. None of this makes any of what you went through matter any less. Just because other people experience the same or "worse" does not mean your trauma is less valid. Some people seen to think that way, so I just wanted to make that clear.
I agree with everyone telling you to tell your aunt. Of course there is no way to know how she will react, and there is a possibility she will react badly as well, but if she is even just a tiny bit of a decent person, she will support you and help you however she can! If you need a place to vent, the internetparents sub has a lot of nice people as well, but online forums cannot help you as much as therapy.
I want you to know that playing tetris has been proven to help people lessen the chance of ptsd after traumatic events. In many ways you are still experiencing trauma, so maybe look into that? Either way I hope you get some help and that your aunt can be your supporter as well. Based on all your comments, you seem to be a very kind and compassionate person! BIG NTA btw. Take care, and please update if you feel up for it ❤️❤️
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u/Kll-ian Apr 30 '24
Don’t worry, I plan on updating today, depending on if I muster up the courage to tell her today. I’ll try, I may not be able to do it so please bear with me!!! But thank you so much for saying this. And caring. I really really appreciate it. And I’m sorry I couldn’t reply earlier, I’m trying my hardest to reply to every comment so they know about the gratitude I feel towards them. Though it might be a little hard!! But thank you, so much🤍🩵🤍
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u/Lovetojah75 Apr 30 '24
It’s giving your mom is trailer trash or something. You must be from a “traditional” part of the world/ country where book learning is not that important. And I can tell you thank god at least can see through the idiot fog. Your mother however I’m sad to report, is very much not out of it. She is a simple person who frankly does not have the emotional maturity to be a parent and very much not equipped to help you through this. I don’t know what else to tell you other than buckle down, improve yourself so you can heal. Speak to whoever you know whose actually willing to listen until you can afford therapy. Avoid that brain dead uterus of a mother you have and do better for your children. Learn from her stupid asinine mistakes. We break generational curses, nobody else buddy. I’m wishing you all the best, from one son of a fucked up not go to therapy parent to another.
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u/thaigoodlife Apr 30 '24
NTAH- I was repeatedly SA'ed when I was 9-10. I knew then that I couldn't tell my parents because my dad was not a safe person. He was and is volatile. I never knew if he was going to blow up and blame me or if he was going to hurt the 15yo boy that was assaulting me. So I did the worst thing I could have done- I told no one and kept trying to stop the abuse on my own.
I would highly suggest you talk to your Aunt or to a counselor at school and see if they can arrange for you to have regular counseling with someone who specializes in sexual abuse in children.
And yes, stay away from your mother. She is an emotional abuser. She is only making things worse for you. You need helpful people around you, not more kinds of abuse.
I wound up using drugs and alcohol to deal with the emotions I was having as a result of the abuse. That was a complete disaster. Things went from bad to worse.
Find out if there is any kind of support group in your area with people your age who have gone through the same thing. It's a lot more common than you think.
Good luck
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u/Vast-Description8862 Apr 30 '24
NTA, first off, women are speaking out all the time now so that logic is BS. Second, men get SA’d. I’m one of them. It doesn’t own me, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t pop in my head every once in a while. Maybe you should tell your mom to stop crying because she’s not being told you love her everyday and that she’s the pussy. Obviously that’s the nuclear response. Give her a chance, but make it clear if she tries to downplay what happened to you again she’s gone.
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u/Amazingamazone Apr 30 '24
I totally support what the others mention: happy that you are taken care of by your aunt, treat yourself to help- you deserve it.
Some insight I'd like to share, and it is very important you understand it is not an excuse but an explanation that might help see that what she did was not personal to you, even when it was directed to you.
How your mother reacted might have been projection, as in that she was SA as a child too and had to 'man up' herself to deal with it, so why shouldn't she expect the same from everyone else? Plus, to deal with it, she would also have to face her demons. Watching tv is a great way to not deal with them.
This kind of brokenness is very toxic, so it is good you saved yourself by living elsewhere. However, this insight may help you like it helped me, to separate the action and the target. She would react the same if you would have been a girl, or another sibling, or human for that matter. As in, it is NOT you as a person, it is how she deals with the world).
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u/twoAsmom Apr 30 '24
NTA A few weeks ago I had my 21 year old nephew over to help me move some furniture around and we got to talking about his step mom/my sister and what she was like around his age. One thing led to another and he confided in me that he had been SA’d and he told his parents (my sister and brother in law) about it and that he was having trouble in school because of it, she told him to “man up”. When I tell you that I have never been more disappointed in my sister in my life, it’s an understatement. What a vile and disgusting thing to say to ANYONE, let alone your CHILD! Ugh, my blood is still boiling. I cannot tell her I know this, as I keep everything my nephew says to me between us, but I will never look at her the same. Your mother FAILED you. I am so sorry about that. And I am so sorry that she continues to make such terrible decisions as a parent. You need to do whatever it takes to heal yourself, as much as possible, from the SA, before even thinking about opening back up to your mother. That is our number one job, as mothers, to support and protect our children. If we cannot do that, we do not deserve the job of being their mom.
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u/Live-Ad2998 Apr 30 '24
Your mom is an irresponsible parent, she blamed you for becoming a SA victim, did nothing to expose the abuser, and has not a scintilla of compassion or understanding
NTA
I would disown her, you would have lost nothing but ongoing manipulative guilt trips.
Losing her would be a win.
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u/Dont_Hurt_Me_Mommy Apr 30 '24
This is textbook toxic parenting. Instead of being loving and supporting, she shamelessly shamed you.
She's not sorry for what she did to you. She's sorry she's facing consequences.
Continue distancing yourself from her. She will not help you heal!
For your sake, I hope you find the support to help you heal. Remember, you are a strong-willed person who has endured past a severe trauma. You have nothing to be ashamed of!
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u/Quick-Moose4511 Apr 30 '24
First and most importantly you are so far from being the asshole here that I can not even describe it.
I want to preface this by stating that I do not intend to belittle the SA of women in anyway but it may come across as such and I Apologize if thats how yall take it.
Yes millions get assaulted....its a constant problem but you know who has more available resources....women....if a woman and man both tell you they were SA'ed in a club who are you more inclined to believe?
We as men even still now are constantly expected to live in this fucked middle ground where we can not outwardly express things without there being an issue,but are expected to be emotionally available for our loved ones. we get told to "man up" through shit that if a woman or child spoke about would get them support and understanding on a regular basis.
Your mother deserves a swift kick somewhere unpleasant as there isn't an excuse for ignoring your child's abuse and that stands no matter the gender, age, or reasoning.
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u/MamaKit92 Apr 30 '24
Oh hun I’m so sorry your mom said such vile things to you. As a mom myself I can’t imagine ever saying that to ANY survivor, let alone my own child. Please don’t think for another second that it was your fault. The blame lies squarely on the creep who hurt you. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone. From one survivor to another, I promise you that it can help.
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u/Vegetable_Luck692 Apr 30 '24
As a mother I am disgusted by your mom's reactions. I can't believe she would say such horrible things to you. She was blaming you, chastising you, degrading you, and ignoring your needs.
I hope living with your aunt provides you with stability, love, and respect. Your mother should have let you tell her everything, comfort you, support you, and get you the help you need for your mental wellbeing.
Some moms are narcissistic and are only worried about how they appear to others. None of this was your fault. There is nothing wrong with having emotions and needing support. Please don't think that your mom is right in saying what she said...it was disgusting. I hope you'll be able to stay at your aunt's long term and that you can avoid seeing or talking to your mom. Please go low contact with her and when you can go no contact.
I wish nothing but the best for you ((hugs))